Robbie Williams: The Return: The rerun

Robbie Williams is hoping to rejoin Take That again.

The way he keeps popping in and out of the band, and with Gary Barlow's love of ten-pound-note, it might make sense for Williams to be put on a zero hours contract, so we can all skip the tortuous negotiations every time he finds a blank space in his bank statement ("in his diary").

Robbie Williams launches Christmas market surprise

Oh, what larks. The rump of tax-swerving middle-managers Take That are releasing an album today, called III (after the maximum rate of corporation tax they're prepared to countenance.)

But what is this coming from out of nowhere? It's a new Robbie Williams album:

Robbie Williams has announced a surprise new album. Under The Radar Volume 1, a collection of discards and demos that “cried out for a home”, is being released today, the same day as Take That’s III.

“[These are] loads and loads of songs that I’ve written that I’m incredibly passionate about,” Williams said in a handheld video to his fans. “I want you to hear them, otherwise they’re just going to remain in my computer!”

Robbie, it's the 21st Century. If your private files are remaining sat on your computer, that's probably a sign that nobody is interested in them.

It's like a battle for the number one slot. Except...

Although the digital edition won’t be available until 8 December, the CD version is on sale now. Williams is selling them exclusively through his website for £7.50 a pop, or £25 with an autograph.

... given the market for these records is clearly people whose search for a gift for older parents has dragged them into the back where Tesco racks the CDs, it's not really much of a battle. (It's also unclear if Williams' virtual selling of his CDs out the back of a van will be counted for chart returns, too.)

Take That split, a bit

It's turned out that Jason Orange is leaving Take That, the tax-avoidance scheme created by Gary Barlow and some accountants.

Orange issued a statement earlier today revealing that he found out he didn't really exist, and that he was created by Barlow "in order to claim child benefit. In light of this discovery, I must leave the band."

Talking to the media, Barlow was effusive in his farewell to Orange, praising what he'd brought to the band - "without Jeremy... Jason, Jason, we'd have... uh... oh, yeah, when we did that advert for Marks And Spencers, we'd not have been able to show off quite so many suits at the same time. And... well, we'd not have been able to call our album The Eight Legged Groove Machine. Although that wasn't us. But if it had have been, that wouldn't have been possible without James. Jeremy. Jason." Barlow concluded the statement by getting all present to sign a form allowing him to recoup the cost of providing Luncheon Vouchers for all of them.

Here's the actual statements:

‘I want to start by saying how proud I am of what we have achieved together over the years. However, at a band meeting last week I confirmed to Mark, Gary and Howard that I do not wish to commit to recording and promoting a new album. I have spent some of the best years of my life with Take That and I’d like to thank everyone who has been a part of my journey, including my band mates, who I feel are like brothers to me. Most especially my gratitude goes to all of the good and kind, beautiful and ever-loyal fans of the band, without whom none of this could have been possible.Thank you.’

‘At the end of The Progress Tour I began to question whether it might be the right time for me to not continue on with Take That. At the start of this year and with my full knowledge and blessing the guys began writing new material. There have been no fallings out, only a decision on my part that I no longer wish to do this. I know how much Mark, Gary and Howard enjoy writing and making music, and they know that they have my full support and encouragement to continue on with what is to be another chapter for the band.’ - Jason Orange

‘This is a sad day for us. Jason leaving is a huge loss both professionally and even more so personally. We first became aware of Jason’s reservations a couple of years ago but had hoped that by giving him the desired time and space he may begin to feel differently. This has not been the case and we now have to accept and fully respect his decision which we know hasn’t been an easy one. Jason’s energy and belief in what this band could achieve has made it what it is today, and we’ll forever be grateful for his enthusiasm, dedication and inspiration over the years.’ - Mark, Gary and Howard

Before popping that in the fax machine, Gary rang Mark and asked "are we sure that we've got the right one who's going, and it's not meant to be Jason commenting on Howard's departure?"

Gary Barlow would quite like to apologise

It's now three months since Gary Barlow and some of his chums were found to be "avoiding" tax by putting their money into a made-up scheme to allow rich people to shirk their responsibilities.

Gary has finally got around to sort-of-muttering an apology.

After three months. It's true, there are some operations you'd wait longer for on the NHS, but that's partly because rich people like Gary Barlow put their cash into dubious schemes to avoid paying their share of taxes.

Still, three months in the making, so let's hear it, Gary:

Three months. Two tweets. He's been writing his apology at 35 characters a week.

Three months. And what do we get?

I want to apologise to anyone who was offended by the tax stories earlier this year

There's no need, Gary. Genuninely no need to apologise, as nobody was offended by "the tax stories". In fact, we were grateful for the tax stories.

It's your tax affairs you ought to be apologising for, chuckles. The idea of very, very wealthy men investing in a company designed to lose money just so they could keep a few extra pennies out of paying for the police, and roads, and schools - that's what was offensive.

Not that you were found out and some people wrote about it.

And what does "working to settle things with all parties ASAP" even mean? Maybe you're going to write a cheque to the Exchequer - although I suspect if you were, you'd be a bit more explicit about that - but that doesn't "settle things", because it doesn't undo the fact that, when the nation was passing the hat round to pay for things we all share, your first thought was to try and avoid chipping in.

And you can't even bring yourself to say 'sorry' properly.

Leave your OBE on the hall table and sod off back to your mansion, Barlow.

Twittergem: Barlow's OBE

My cartoon - I didn’t realise that the Conservative Party is a charity! #Barlow pic.twitter.com/0mrMJJlOaf

— Martin Shovel (@MartinShovel) May 12, 2014

That nice Gary Barlow has all our money

Ah, Gary Barlow. Isn't he lovely? Isn't he a lovely, lovely man? Isn't he just lovely, lovely, willing to help everyone?

Except when he, Howard Donald, Mark Owen and That manager Jonathan Wild are avoiding £20million worth of tax.

But he's lovely, isn't he?

In the past he has been praised for raising millions for charity in the UK.

Barlow’s fundraising efforts for BBC Children in Need included concerts with star names playing for free. In 2013 they raised over £1.7 million and were described by the BBC as “amazing”.

You see? He's lovely. Happy to help society by getting other people to give their money to try and patch up the holes created by people like him failing to fulfil their responsibilities. He's not a monster.

Lovely, lovely, Gary Barlow OBE.

Jason Orange hasn't avoided tax, although HMRC report that Gary Barlow's insistence that Orange is paid solely in mangelwurzels and turnips has always made it difficult to fix a rate at which he should be charged. Tax records show in 2012/13, Orange received a small tax refund in the form of three parsnips.

There's apparently something called "the Gary Barlow effect", which is leading people to wear more suits. According to the Telegraph.

Can the paper illustrate this 'Gary Barlow effect' by showing us pictures of men, usually more casually dressed, out and about on the town looking smarter than we're used to seeing?

Oh, hang about. Those might be two separate stories on the front page of today's paper. There isn't any suggestion that that is the Gary Barlow effect.

What is this effect, then?

"When you look at boy bands and television presenters, they all look smart. Look at Gary Barlow on New Year's Eve," Brian Brick, Moss Bros chief executive, said.

"Men are not just wearing suits for work, but going out in the evening. They are going out in a jacket and jeans. We have certainly benefited from that."

Men wearing jeans on nights out? There's a trend. Why haven't we heard more of this?

The trouble with this theory is that Brian Brick seems to be assume Gary Barlow is some sort of dangerous, wild rock figure who has embraced the suit as an act of counterintuitive rebellion.

More honestly, though, Gary Barlow is dressing like an accountancy firm's middle manager because that's kind of what he is, surely?

Just be thankful the Meerkats don't have a song...

The 20 most-played tracks on TV commercials last year? It's a chart:

Position Work Title Writer Advert Performed By
1 Over There George M. Cohan Go Compare N/A
2 Y.M.C.A Edward Willis, Jacques Morali, Henri Belolo Confused.com N/A
3 Eliza's Aria Elena Kats-Chernin Lloyd's TSB Elena Kats-Chernin (Wild Swans ballet)
4 Spinnin' Mike Lindsay, Corynne Elliott, Pat Marks, Jason Richards Sky Speech Debelle
5 Primavera Ludovico Einaudi Santander Ludovico Einaudi
6 The Universal Damon Albarn, Graham Coxon, Steven James, David Rowntree British Gas Blur
7 Shine Gary Barlow, Paul Donald, Paul Robson, Jason Orange, Mark Owen Morrisons Take That
8 Here Come the Girls Allen Toussaint Boots Sugarbabes
9 Rescue Me Carl Smith, Raynard Miner British Gas Fontella Bass
10 Have Love Will Travel Richard Berry LV Insurance The Sonics
11 Young Folks Peter Moren, John Eriksson, Bjorn Yttling Homebase Peter, Bjorn, and John
12 Bring Me Sunshine Sylvia Dee, Arthur Kent Coca-Cola Willie Nelson
13 Busy Olly Murs, Martin Brammer, Adam Argyle Marks & Spencer Olly Murs
14 Our House Graham Nash B & Q Amber State (cover of Crosby Stills & Nash)
15 Give a Little Love Damian Katkhuda Asda The Mostar Diving Club
16 The Snow Prelude No 3 in C Major Ludovico Einaudi Nationwide Ludovico Einaudi
17 Welcome Home Benjamin P Cooper Nikon Radical Face
18 It's a Good Day Dave Barbour, Peggy Lee Garnier Peggy Lee
19 Barcarolle Jacques Offenbach , Jack Byfield Barclays Arr: Keith J Blainville
20 Ain't No Mountain High Enough Nickolas Ashford, Valerie Simpson DHL Created by Paul Epworth ft Vula Malinga.

I'm sure the massive royalty cheque will be welcome for Speech Debelle, who most people won't remember from having won the Mercury music prize.

Gordon in the morning: Robbie Williams so desperate to be in Oasis he's trying to start a war with Blur

Does anyone really care what Robbie Williams thinks about Blur? Really? Tell us then, Gordon:

he singled out Alex for criticism after accusing The Sun columnist of “not being very nice to him”.

Robbie said: “Alex is the bassist in Blur — my nan could do that. All she needs is a new haircut.”

Let's not pause to reflect that being in Take That is a job so simple, Howard Donald is able to hold the role down, and just probe this further.

It turns out that Williams is carrying a grudge:

He explained he first met the band during a TV show appearance in Manchester with TAKE THAT when he was just 16. Robbie said: “From what I now know, looking back, they were suffering from a little bit of middle-class angst.

“I did feel like I was part of the s*** beneath their shoes for being in a boyband.”

There's a bit of confusion between class angst and artistic angst there, and there's the other possibility that maybe Take That, and Robbie in particular, were annoying back then. ("Back then".)

It all ends up with Robbie wailing that he's the victim here:

He said: “There is a lot of snobbery towards pop music, to me and pop in general — it’s kind of a despised art form.

“There’s a lot of ‘Check out that fat ****, he’d be nothing without GUY CHAMBERS.’

“I’m coming from a place of, ‘Hang on, I’m being picked on here, I don’t like it.’”

Actually, Robbie, pop doesn't need you to defend it; it's like KFC defending Fast Food: might be from the field, but not the best placed to argue the value of what they do.

And put your mind at rest, Robbie. Nobody says you'd be nothing without Guy Chambers. They also acknowledge that you'd be lost without Gary Barlow, too.

Gordon in the morning: Misjudgement

This morning Gordon carries an interview with Robbie Williams designed to promote Williams' new range of overpriced trousers. Except, somehow, it comes out like this:

How would anyone involved think it appropriate to build a 'buy some clothes' piece around somebody else's tragedy? I don't doubt the sincerity of the sentiments, but it feels incredibly tacky when written down with a final paragraph about Williams' new single.

Gordon in the morning: Barlow hugs the Lord

Given how toe-curling that Jubilee song was, can anyone be anything other than mortified by the news that celebrity tax-dodge-loopholer-exploiter Gary Barlow is teaming up again with Andrew Lloyd Webber?

The Lord explains:

"I’ve come up with the tune this time and he’s already emailed me with lyrics this morning. It hasn’t got a title yet.

“Gary’s going to be down in Majorca this summer and so will I, so we’ll get together and something will come out of it.”

It's not unusual for Brits to head to Majorca in the summer, making something unpleasant while they're down there; this one might take more than a bottle of Flash and a hosepipe to clear away.

Gary Barlow: The white man's burden

If your toes curled at the "savages with spears" sequence of Gary Barlow's jubilee video, but were clinging to the hope it was well-meant but clumsy, I'm afraid it gets worse this morning as Gary Barlow gives an interview to The Sun in which he trots out the 'I saw a black person and thought they were going to eat me' line that you might have thought hasn't been seen outside a Punch pocket cartoon since the 1960s:

After travelling by canoe for six hours to the remote Pacific isle of Malaita, he was completely taken by surprise when he was surrounded by members of the clan wearing necklaces decorated with TEETH.

He told TV Biz how he was scared for his life and worried he would become the victim of cannibalism.

Gary said: “We were all white men and there were only eight of us.

“I really did think, ‘They’ve taken us all this way up the river and they could kill us and eat us alive and no one would know’.”

Just while that's sinking in, you might also want to ponder how Gary thinks you could be first killed, and then eaten alive.

Gordon in the morning: This is like That

We're knee-deep in the fawnathon for the Jubilee, and Gary Barlow is leading the fawning:

GARY Barlow has branded Prince Harry the “Robbie Williams of the Royal Family”.

I'm pretty certain that's treasonable, isn't it?

Oh, hang on, he means it as a compliment:

“Harry is the star of the Royal Family, he is the Robbie of the Royal Family.”

You can hear the unsaid here, as Barlow thinks "and I'm the William, the one who does all the work and gets overhsadowed by the gurning clown time after time... but I SHALL BE THE KING.. So, in your face, Harry/William."

Other members of Take That are, obviously, Prince Edward, I'm afraid.

Gordon in the morning: Mark Owen gets the electricians in

Apparently, Mark Owen is taking a new direction for his solo career. Gordon insists it will "surprise" fans.

Really? It's not just that he's looked around, found out what sells and is going to try and pour himself into an uncomfortable modish mould, is it?

A source said: “Mark’s excited about his new sound, it has a modern edge. People might not even think it’s him."

Ah, yes, "a source" - but don't worry, we know Gordon will have diligently worked behind the scenes to make sure this secret source was correct and not just made up a quote to fit the story.

You might wonder what value there is in a man whose main selling point is who he is making a record that people won't know it's him (he's working with Starsmith, by the way).

But then it turns out his main selling point isn't who he is, says "the source":

“His label are keen to get the stuff out – especially as Gary being on X Factor will shift the focus back on Take That.”

Good god, that's grim: "Mark, one of the people you work with is going to be on television; we really need to rush out a song in which you sound like Ellie Goulding to take advantage of that."

Still, Gordon's excited, as he sniffs a hint of one of his beloved chart battles:

With Robbie Williams working on solo material, too, there could be a TT chart battle.

So, that's a chart battle being predicted although at the moment, there's no release dates, not even a hint of anything near ready for release.

Both singers are expecting nippers so might not strike up a cash wager.

Maybe the winner could take ownership of a game of Hungry Hippos.

What? Is that a barbed comment about the pair of them putting on weight? Or is it just as random as it sounds?

Gordon in the morning: A quiet night in with a DVD

Even Gordon Smart struggles to find anything of interest on the Take That DVD:

YOU can tell Take That are producers on their Progress tour DVD – the most controversial moment is when Mark Owen admits to nicking Howard's chocolate eclairs.

Doesn't stop him filing a few hundred words on it, though.

Gordon in the morning: Ha ha, it's funny to call people gay

Gordon Smart has something of a scoop today, although he fails to recognise it. He was at the Q Awards yesterday:

CHRIS MARTIN has confessed Take That made him question his sexuality as a youngster.

The Coldplay star said his favourite bands growing up were "U2 and five handsome, strapping men from Stoke and Manchester".

With his tongue firmly in his cheek, he added: "I'm not afraid to admit it, they made me ask the question 'Am I gay?'"

It seems massively unlikely that Martin really did have U2 and Take That as his favourite bands growing up, and was just flattering people who happened to be in the room. It's also clear that he was trying to make something he might have thought was a joke.

But really, Chris? "I liked men making music - ha ha, it was like I was gay"? You can see the sort of audience that type of joke plays to, with Gordon slapping his leg and honking while stressing that it's okay - his tongue is in his cheek. He's not REALLY GAY.

It did get worse, though:

And drummer Larry Mullen JR didn't miss the open goal.

He had the crowd in stitches, joking: "Chris Martin, I have the answer for you — you are gay."

Yep. It's 2011, and Larry Mullen - one of the richest men in the world - thinks being gay is a punchline. And a room full of Gallaghers and Barlows honked their delight at such a witty retort.

Well done, Q. That's quite a party you threw there.

Gordon in the morning: Take That split quietly

You might have thought that, given the way the return of Robbie Williams to Take That was tracked by Gordon, his departure would have created a bit more interest than a story buried half-way down the page.

It's not even Gordon who files the story, with Lucy Connolly instead picking up the tale:

X FACTOR judge Gary Barlow has revealed that Robbie Williams has once again left Take That.

Gary, 40, said the man band's recent reunion "ended perfectly" but they are back to being a four-piece.

And he insisted that some of their fans prefer the group WITHOUT 37-year-old Robbie.

Every inching towards the regrouping was met with a massive story, and yet he slips out the back door quietly with barely a word?

Gordon, meanwhile, has got a photo of some women showing their shoulders and decided that it's a naked picture of the Saturdays:

THE snapper who took this picture of The Saturdays is a clever bloke if he kept the bottom half for himself.

Rochelle, Una Healy, Frankie Sandford, Mollie King and Vanessa White could always use it as their Christmas card to their fellas.

They won't have to worry about any other presents if they include the whole image.

You realise, Gordon, you can have a photo taken of your bare shoulders without having to be completely naked, don't you?

Cooking with Orange and apples

Esther Walker, who is sort-of Sue Perkins but in real life, has got a recipe blog where she serves up some tasty cookery with a slice of yarn.

Her apple and raspberry crumble recipe comes with a story about dating Jason Orange. The full thing is worth your time, certainly, but the original meeting is quite special. She was working at The Week:

"Hello," I said, wondering if he was lost.
"Hi, are you The Week?" he said.
"Yes we are," I said.
"I was wondering... can I have a look at one of your magazines? Only... I've heard good things about it but can't find it in any of the shops."
"Oh yeah," I said. "It's mostly subscription only. Come in and wait for a sec and I'll get you some copies."

This was during what Esther calls the "toxic dodo" years for Take That. It's more than likely Jason was bumming the magazines to keep him warm on the park bench at night.

[Thanks to Michael M]

Gordon in the morning: Robbie Williams tricked into bed by a lobster

With all the actual news, you might have missed the sorry tale of Take That being forced to cancel a gig after Robbie Williams fell ill.

Try to avoid the story, it's full of Smart laddisms that you probably won't have heard since you were about 12:

The Take That star has spent the past 72 hours running to the bathroom on tiptoes and shouting for his pal Huey down the pan.

Smart seems to endorse the claim that it was the lobster at the hotel Williams was staying at that gave him food poisoning. Given it looks like Williams only ate the crustacean on Friday night, it's either impressive how quickly the Danes have got to the root of the incident. Or incredibly brave of Smart to point the claw so early on.

Gordon in the morning: Mr Roarke! The plane, the plane!

Howard Donald has bought a seaplane, although he can't fly.

Yes, a seaplane. This might show that Donald has more money than sense, although you can't help feeling that might have been the case ever since his parents doubled his pocket money to 80p a week.

The Sun has a photo:

Just so you're clear, though:

Flight of fanciable ... how hunky Howard Donald may look in plane. We've added TT livery

Yes, it's another fabulous Sun mock-up.

Howard's plane story is filed by Colin Robertson, raising the intriguing possibility that Gordon might be down on Worthy Farm. Gordon has a suggestion about Glastonbury, too:

Glastonbury punters, and folk watching on the telly, can find out who's playing on what stage by downloading my Bizarre App, which features a special festival guide. The app is free for 30 days, then just £1.19 a month.

Righto - so, if you're at the festival, you might want to navigate round with an app designed to alert you to when Lindsay Lohan has filmed a commercial or Katy Perry has had a nipslip. If you're at home, you... er, would want to know who is on what stage when to... um, help with watching TV where the coverage is mostly recorded and not reliant on stages to navigate. £1.19 well spent.