Glastonbury 2013: It's all over bar the abandoned tents making a mockery of the festival's attempts to be green

From a long, long way away, that looked like the best Glastonbury in quite a while - especially if you put a hand over one eye and ignore the over-freighted Rolling Stones bit.

Sure, it edged ever closer into the belly of the establishment:

Delivering his regular Sunday morning press conference at 11am today (June 30), Glastonbury founder Michael Eavis confirmed that Prince Harry attended the festival on Saturday.

The 77-year-old farmer and festival organiser revealed that he told the royal he should stay up all night to get the best of the event: "I recommended that he should go through the night, because the nightlife is really what Glastonbury is all about," said Eavis.

Well, no, Michael; visits from heirs to the throne seem to be closer to what Glastonbury is all about these days.

Mind you, you've got love Eavis' apparent unawareness about Harry's reputation:

"At three in the afternoon, you won’t get it, will you? So I told him to get his taxi driver to come back at five in the morning and, you know what, he lasted until four in the morning, so he saw all the best stuff," he said.

Michael Eavis is the only person left alive who'd be surprised that Harry held his end up until the small hours of the morning.

Harry left eventually, though, mumbling that he didn't want to be around when Mumford And Sons turned up as "they make me feel common."

I'm not sure that Uli Jon Roth out the Scorpions coming on stage during the Smashing Pumpkins set made anything better, but it was probably the most inspired collaboration of the weekend. Except for that bit when it wasn't entirely clear if Kenny Rogers had just hallucinated having Sheena Easton on stage.

But I think we can agree that The XX won Glastonbury this year, yes?

Gordon in the morning: Unlikely tales from the frontline

Under Gordon's own byline, a clearly story constructed from the purest bollocks:

PRINCE Harry has been entertaining Army pals in Afghanistan by reading out extracts from Pippa Middleton’s new book on throwing parties.

No he hasn't, has he?

Gordon in the morning: Shooting his bolt

Gordon has Olympic-stroke-Royal news this morning:

USAIN BOLT isn’t just hoping for a gold medal from London 2012 – he also wants a tear-up with Prince Harry.

Really? A "tear-up", you say, Gordon? He's going to jump in a taxi, head up West with Harry and drink until he can cry out his own liver, then?

Usain said: “Harry is fantastic. I will invite him to my Olympic after party.”

Offering Harry the chance to pop round to a post-Olympic gathering isn't quite the same thing as plotting a "tear-up", is it?

Gordon in the morning: This is like That

We're knee-deep in the fawnathon for the Jubilee, and Gary Barlow is leading the fawning:

GARY Barlow has branded Prince Harry the “Robbie Williams of the Royal Family”.

I'm pretty certain that's treasonable, isn't it?

Oh, hang on, he means it as a compliment:

“Harry is the star of the Royal Family, he is the Robbie of the Royal Family.”

You can hear the unsaid here, as Barlow thinks "and I'm the William, the one who does all the work and gets overhsadowed by the gurning clown time after time... but I SHALL BE THE KING.. So, in your face, Harry/William."

Other members of Take That are, obviously, Prince Edward, I'm afraid.

Gordon in the morning: Harrying Harry

Apparently a young man went to a couple of Christmas parties this week. Gordon feels this is news.

Gordon in the morning: Wedding dj

Gordon's mysterious obsession with trying to recast Prince Harry as some sort of dancehall star continues today, with Mark Ronson 'revealing' that Harry knows something about djing:

MARK RONSON said: "He came to one of my gigs recently and he's totally clued up about my genre of music. He was requesting all these songs and he was dancing and getting into the spirit."

Okay, so Mark Ronson's "genre of music" is mid-market crowd-pleasing pop, but it's good enough for Gordon to extrapolate.

He asked for a song, did he? And he danced, did he?

Why, then:

PRINCE HARRY could probably do a decent job of DJing at his brother's wedding next year.

Yes. Yes. Assuming he can get out of helping Princess Anne putting the cold buffet out, that is.

Gordon in the morning: The royals are well-briefed

Buckingham Palace held an event for young people earlier in the week, where Prince Harry was given the role of the closest the Royals can do to 'youth'. Gordon Smart has decided that this proves that Harry is a Magnetic Man fan:

"While we were there, we met Prince Harry. He was well excited when he was introduced to Skream - he put his hand out and said 'Hello Skream, nice one!'

"Harry obviously knew who he was before he met him."

Well, yes. That's because he's surrounded by people whispering in his ear. Generally, royals don't approach people unless they know what's on the end of the hand they're about to shake. When Charles mutters "nice to meet you, Mr Badgerson, I hope things are fine at Mole Valley Valve", it doesn't mean that Charles is a Valve freak.

Really, this story is 'Harry is polite', however much a "royal aide" might be wheeled in to try and fatten the tale up:

A Royal aide confirmed Artwork's assumption, telling me: "It's no secret that Prince Harry loves his music. He goes to quite a few festivals and gigs, so it's not surprising that he recognised them."

Yes, after you've been to seven gigs your brain is upgraded so that you can instantly recognise anyone who is vaguely musical.

Prince Harry: He's like the Simon Cowell of aristocrats

Say what you like about The X Factor and all the other programmes that ape The X Factor, but at least they offer a chance to people into a field of human endeavour where success is too often based on who your parents are, rather than what you can do.

Isn't that right, I Blame CoCo?

So, the TV talent show: the last bastion of merit over inheritance. Sort-of merit.

There's something we can celebrate, right.

Hang on, What's this?

Prince Harry to host new British musical talent show

Harry? Seriously?

What's he bring to the table? "How do you get to Carnegie Hall?" "You instruct your father's driver to take you there."

Naturally, he isn't really hosting - the surprisingly named Linda Gentile pulls back from the headline almost straight away:

Today, August 18, it was announced that Prince Harry will be a guest of honor on a new TV series for BBC.

Ah, so hosting and guest of honour. Tell me, Ms Gentile - in your official role as "British Royal Family Examiner" - what will he actually be doing?

Prince Harry's and Goldie's show will go through Britain, looking for people who've had to overcome deep challenges. It will show later this year. The prince will choose 12 young people for a three day residential workshop, where they'll be mentored by musical experts such as Guy Chambers and Cerys Matthews.

The idea is to put together a performance for the prince and audience of invited guests at Buckingham Palace.

The British Royal Family Examiner? Does that have a ceremonial dress? Is it a medical thing, or an educational examiner? I hope it's not educational, as that would mean your main job would be going "well... there might be a lot of fails, there, but luckily your job only requires passing a DNA test. Don't look so paniced, your highness, I'm only joking about the DNA test."

Anyway, it turns out that from hosting the show, to guesting on it, Harry's role will be sitting around at the end, watching the winner and applauding quietly. On this basis, doesn't this mean The Queen hosts Britain's Got Talent?

Gordon in the morning: By royal apppointment

You've got to hand it to the British music industry - just when you think they've exhausted ways of making the Brits look fusty and out of touch, they come up with a whole new level of fustiness:

OUR music aristocracy will have to doff their caps at the Brit Awards - as real-life Royalty will be at the show.

Doffing caps? Really?

PRINCE HARRY, the most rock 'n' roll Windsor, will deliver a special happy birthday message.

If by rock and roll, you mean 'tends to get drunk and dress up like a Nazi', then perhaps. Although, you'd have to add the rider "since his Aunt Wallis died".

Though since the BPI thinks that rock means sitting in a room listening to an awkward speech by a member of the aristocracy, that would suggest Charles is the most rock & roll Windsor.

(Seriously, though: Eugenie, surely? If you must have someone with a bit of the divine right sloshing about their veins, wouldn't you go for Eugenie?)

Could the organisers make this decision any more awkward and embarrassing?

A Brits spokesman said: "The only previous time the show's had anything to do with royalty was when PRINCE accepted an award with Slave scrawled on his cheek."

If you're going to go for such a weak joke, wouldn't the multiple award wins by Queen trump a single prize by Prince?

According to Gordon, this is part of Harry trying to reposition himself:

Harry lining up with the Brits is a clear sign he wants to be seen as an ambassador for UK music.

Well, that would make sense. Musical performers are such shy, retiring types they'd hardly be up to going around the world drawing attention to themselves, would they?

Diana concert: What happened to the money?

You'll remember the Diana concert last year - no, no, you're thinking of the Live Earth one. This was the other one. The fundraiser. It pulled in something over a million quid.

So, how's the distribution of the cash been going?

Not well, according to the Mail:

Last week, the organisation's first audited accounts to the Charity Commission were revealed.

They show that despite raising £1.15million from sales of the documentary, last year's star-studded Concert for Diana in Wembley Stadium, charity polo matches and other donations, just £84,000 was handed over to projects such as children's homes, clinics and counselling centres in the first 18 months of the charity's operations.

Over the same period, £472,000 went on staff salaries, setting up an office in Lesotho, buying vehicles, creating a website and other activities.

The official explanation from Clarence House is that it doesn't want to be seen to be "splashing cash about". Except on salaries, of course.

Ricky Gervias and the first rule of comedy

Former new romantic popstar Ricky Gervais has been entertaining his famous chums again, reports The Sun:

PRINCES William and Harry sneaked into Ricky Gervais’ stand-up show — and roared with laughter at a joke about their gran WEEING.

Office star Gervais, 46, poked fun at the Queen’s toilet habits, despite knowing the two fun-loving royals were in the audience.

It's heartwarming to hear that Gervais' act has now caught up with that of younger comedians and, in particular, Ted Bovis' "famous people on the toilet routine" that always went down so well at Maplins.

And people think the Windsors are out of touch

Kanye West tells of a moment of terrible embarrassment with the Princes backstage at the Diana concert:

"One of them said 'I thought those glasses were bling' and the other one said 'It's Kanye West, they'd have to be bling.' I didn't have the heart to tell them that I'm the anti-bling."

What makes this timely is Jonathan Freedland's claims in yesterday's Guardian:

When Diana's sons strode on to the stage for that memorial concert, their ID badges hanging, roadie-style, around their necks, they bellowed: "Hello, Wembley!" Hard to imagine either their father or grandfather doing that.

Well, perhaps not onstage at Wembley, but there's a long history of royalty trying to seem at ease with young people by trying (and not really managing) to blend in - the Duke of Edinburgh Awards, The Prince's Trust, the Diana Concert are three generations of well-meaning attempts to connect with the kids on the street. And, as Kanye's anecdote shows, like their grandad and father, the Princes are willing to try to blend in - they're just not very good at it.

Have one's man take that for one

In what promises to be the most It's A Royal Knockout moment of the entire Diana memorial concert, The Sunday People are claiming that William and Harry are going to join Take That onstage for a bit of a song and a dance.

It might not happen, though: after all, if the Palace intervened to stop Harry dying in the middle of Iraq, surely they'll also step in to stop him dying on his arse at Wembley?

A Bad Night For Di

Not only did she come third behind Churchill and Brunel in the BBC Greatest Briton poll, but before the final debate kicked off Channel Five attempted to recreate her life through her record collection. You hope a bad wrong has been done to her, you really do.

They got Peter York to present - presumably because he co-wrote that Sloane Ranger's handbook sometime in the 1980's; on this basis, whoever ghost-wrote Adrian Edmondson's How To Be A Complete Bastard should have been doing the voiceovers for The Nazis - A Warning From History. Now, while the basic idea - that you might be able to get the measure of the man from the music he chooses to listen to - is a good one, the show suffered from three basic flaws.

Firstly, it relied on those elements of her record collection that were held in safe keeping by Paul Burrell (You remember, Your Majesty? Butler man. He told you he was looking after them for you. Do you remember?), which obviously strained the format before it began.

Secondly, Diana's musical taste has been picked over so many times, you could tick off the bands before they appeared (Duran Duran)?

Third, rather than use the music to try and imagine where Diana's head might have really been, they drew up ten artists she liked, made a list of what they know about Diana, and then joined up the two lists any old how. So, 'Rocking All Over The World'? Right, well, we know that they played that at Live Aid, and she "boogied" when Status Quo played it, and Prince Charles was wearing earplugs (this is meant to suggest he wasn't listening and was some way out of touch - but nearly all rock acts wear hearing protection, too) so that must show that they'd grown apart by this point as their reactions to Status Quo were different.

Trouble is, this supposes that Diana's reaction was like a young persons - whereas, at the time of Live Aid, dancing in an awkward geography teacher way to Status Quo smacked of middle aged, middle class values. Charles bored look was more in keeping with what the youth were thinking.

The programme was sloppy in other ways - "Most people believe [Lady In Red] was written about Diana" claimed York, which is rubbish - everybody has heard the story about how it was written for DeBurgh's bloody wife about six hundred times; it's like trying to claim that people think the original Candle In The Wind was written for Diana.

But where it scored was in the things it didn't set out to do. Once again it exposed just how dull, smug and self-satisified the old Radio 2 school are. Cliff Richard took the opportunity to moan again that he's not played on the radio, you know, and said "It's been said that 'Some People' [his song, not the Belouis Some track] was Diana's favourite song. She had very good taste" and then proceeded to tell a tale about how Diana, Harry, former Radio One DJ Mike Reid and he sat around jamming after a hard day's skiing.

Apparently, Harry asked for Great Balls of Fire, which Reid and Richard took as a request for them to sing, but we suspect may have been a call for judgement to rain down from God. Leo Sayer told a spectacularly immodest story about being told by Burrell that Diana would lock herself in her room and play one of his songs over and over again. Considering he was meant to be so discrete, Burrell seemed to blab an awful lot, didn't he? Sayer's reaction was to say "Wayne Sleep had already told me that." Nice. Locking yourself in with Leo Sayer is a cry for help if we ever heard one.

To try and provide some sense that she wasn't just a dumb blonde with godawful taste (Uptown Girl?) they tried to suggest she'd been developing an interest in classical music - because she had a Verdi album and went to see Pavarotti. Yeah, my Dad met Meatloaf in a toilet once. It doesn't make him Howlin' Wolf.

Then over to the Greatest Britons, where Lennon looked even more out of place amongst the others than he had when the list was just a list. Even Alan Davies, there supposedly to speak for the dead Beatle, admitted that he thought Shakespeare was better.

The most interesting aspects of the two shows were the copyright messages that snuck in. As the credits rolled for Greatest Britons, we were warned that "Imagine - Sole worldwide copyright of Yoko Ono" (or words to that effect) and during the Di doc, Nothing Compares 2U was doctored so that we never saw a glimpse of Sinead without the acknowledgement that it was Universal's property we were seeing. Self-aggrandising and unneccesary.