Justin Bieber can no longer be nude

To be fair to Bieber, you should be able to do what you like in what should be a private place, with your private places, but this just sounds wrong:

Now, Bieber has told Access Hollywood that he felt "violated" by the incident. "My first thing was like…how can they do this?" he said. "Like, I feel super violated. Like, I feel like I can't step outside and feel like I can go outside naked. Like, you should feel comfortable in your own space… especially that far away".

"I don't feel I can go outside naked" doesn't sound like a problem - indeed, "I feel I can go outside naked" is the sort of thing your Uncle said just before he stopped being invited around for Christmas. It's not the small penis, it's the long lens that's the problem, surely, and that remains a problem even if you were swaddled like a new born in a snowstorm, Justin.

Mirror struggles with naked pictures not of Liam Payne

The picture of a bloke who might look a bit like Liam Payne if you squint a bit has confused the poor Daily Mirror.

First, they struggled with the idea that the picture wasn't of him:

If the photo is genuine, Liam will not be the first celebrity to have images leaked of him against his will.

That's not, to be fair, untrue, but you might as well observe that if Liam Payne gave up music and became a vicar, he wouldn't be the first celebrity to shun fame in favour of holy orders. True, but pretty irrelevant, having ascertained that the photo, clearly, isn't genuine.

They're still confused now:

The photos did not appear on 4chan or Reddit and are thought to be unrelated to the recent hacking scandal sweeping Hollywood and Britain.

Let's just leave a second to process that the Mirror appears to suggest that appearing on 4Chan and Reddit somehow proves the veracity of a nude photo.

And, yes, it would be thought that the existence of a grainy lookalike shot had nothing to do with people's Apple accounts being hacked, because it's a totally different thing entirely, apart from being connected to photos and computers.

On which basis, tomorrow, the Mirror will be speculating that there's no evidence that this event is in any way connected to Lolcats.

Gordon in the morning: Louis Tomlinson and a naked man - together at last

One out of One Direction being woken up by a naked man? Apparently it's a security issue. Or, rather, that's how Gordon tries to report it:

SHOCKED One Direction star Louis Tomlinson was woken in a hotel room at 5am — by a NAKED man trying to get in.

How close to this being an incident was this, Gordon?

Worried Louis, 20, peered through his door’s spy-hole after hearing a noise and was alarmed to see the starkers stranger in the corridor.

So the "attempt to get in" seems to be "tried the door handle". But was this a rabid fan, desperate to rub his naked loins against Louis Tomlinson's soft, peachy flesh?

And it wasn’t a fan

It wasn't?

but a drunk member of the public looking for a LOO.

In summary, then, the lead story this morning is 'drunk man gets disoriented in hotel, tries the wrong door'.

Gordon in the morning: Take That split quietly

You might have thought that, given the way the return of Robbie Williams to Take That was tracked by Gordon, his departure would have created a bit more interest than a story buried half-way down the page.

It's not even Gordon who files the story, with Lucy Connolly instead picking up the tale:

X FACTOR judge Gary Barlow has revealed that Robbie Williams has once again left Take That.

Gary, 40, said the man band's recent reunion "ended perfectly" but they are back to being a four-piece.

And he insisted that some of their fans prefer the group WITHOUT 37-year-old Robbie.

Every inching towards the regrouping was met with a massive story, and yet he slips out the back door quietly with barely a word?

Gordon, meanwhile, has got a photo of some women showing their shoulders and decided that it's a naked picture of the Saturdays:

THE snapper who took this picture of The Saturdays is a clever bloke if he kept the bottom half for himself.

Rochelle, Una Healy, Frankie Sandford, Mollie King and Vanessa White could always use it as their Christmas card to their fellas.

They won't have to worry about any other presents if they include the whole image.

You realise, Gordon, you can have a photo taken of your bare shoulders without having to be completely naked, don't you?

Gordon in the morning: Triangle

Be warned: someone's sold Gordon a blurry, naked photo of Pete Doherty playing snooker.

For some reason, Smart slaps a triangle of snooker balls over Doherty's cock, which makes the running of the photo even more odd. You can't see Pete's penis, you can barely make out the face, and there's no real story stacking it up. It's just one really weak joke:

Thankfully there was no chalk lying around.

He might have applied it to the wrong cue.

Is there nothing so slight it won't go into the column, Gordon?

Pete Doherty naked. It's come to this.

The Saturdays try cheapening product to attract audience

Oh, dear. It turns out that there is something more dispiriting than a pop group doing a soft porn photoshoot to try and boost their career. A pop group desperately dropping hints that they'd love to drop their skirts:

The Saturdays have reportedly admitted that they would consider posing naked for Playboy.

"We always say, 'Never say never,'" said Rochelle Wiseman[...]

Una Healy added: "I would consider it if there was a way of sneakily covering your bits."

Yes. That might be missing the point a little. You're confusing 'being in a cheeky WI calendar' with 'appearing in a masturbatory aid'.

Frankie - who is probably the closest thing The Saturdays have to someone who could probably get a proper job doing something useful - appears to have missed the band meeting:

"Oh my God, no! I’d never do it. Definitely not nude. Never."

Not only did nobody seem to have told Frankie they were going to try and raunch up their image, but they forgot to fill her in on the band motto being 'never say never'.

She added: "I do think it can look nice if it’s done tastefully."

... when she realised that the rest of the band were giving her the look they usually wheel out during the 'who is this band's Jason Orange' game.

Erykah Badu: My tush? You couldn't handle my tush

Any suspicion that Erykah Badu's naked-on-the-knoll video was merely a publicity stunt designed to try and restart a career which had been sat for a while on the hard shoulder will now melt away as she tells Vibe it was actually just a political statement:

The singer also received backlash simply for disrobing in a video; online commentators suggested she was using sex to sell her music.

Badu scoffed at that notion, though.

"I look at some other videos. I'm not naming names, because I don't want that to be mentioned. There is the thing with sexuality," Badu told Vibe. "I'm naked for 13 seconds, and these people are naked the whole time and gyrating and saying come 'lick on my lollipop' and 'suck on my cinnamon roll' and, you know, suggesting sex. People are uncomfortable with sexuality that's not for male consumption. Could be 'cause I did it in public too. Do you think people would have been complaining if I had on high-heel shoes?"

Her protests are only slightly undermined by her whipping her clothes off for the cover of the Vibe as well. I expect that's there's some subtle point I'm missing.

Jay Elvis? Never heard of you

Normally, Gordon is quite keen to splash a non-story about JLS, but for some reason he's buried today's:

ASTON, MARVIN, JB and ORITSE are across the Pond recording their second album and thought they would go along to a Los Angeles Lakers basketball game on their night off.

But despite their single Everybody In Love getting airplay on US radio, they are still relatively unknown.

They tried to get VIP courtside tickets usually reserved for the likes of DAVID BECKHAM and LEONARDO DiCAPRIO but their request was denied.

Wouldn't you have loved to have seen that conversation? "What? You've been on the radio and you want free VIP tickets? My grandma's been on the radio. She's calling that Bill O'Reilly all the time. And she doesn't get in for free. Go queue over there for the paid tickets, Jay Elvis, and take your friends with you."

Elsewhere, Gordon Smart gets over-excited at the thought there might be naked photos of Kate Moss in existence, despite her being a model who has done dozens of naked shoots.

Bad news for Universal: Amy's apparently move back in with Blake. Next Winehouse album's doomsday clock moves from 'back end of 2012' to 'sometime, never'

Erykah Badu puts grassy knoll in a video

In what is almost certainly a serious political statement and not a naked attempt to outstrip GaGa & Beyonce's YouTube hits, Erykah Badu has shot a video which sees her taking her pants off as she walks towards the Grassy Knoll in Dallas.

The video ends with a Erykah Badu naked, lying on the ground, with the words, erm "groupthink" bleeding from her head. While actual tourists stare at her in a "should we call an ambulance or the cops" fashion.

There was only one man there with a camera, although some people claim there was a second guy shooting from the grassy knoll.

Rihanna naked photos 'worst thing ever'

You'd have thought that with the wringer Rihanna's been through this year, she'd be taking the lesson from Edgar that while you can still say it, you ain't seen the worst. But she has, and... it was the leak of the nude pictures which was the low:

R&B singer Rihanna has said the "humiliating" leak of naked photographs of her was "the worst thing that could possibly ever happen to me".

It is a pretty nasty thing to have happened - although, frankly, if you so much as think as attaching a photo of your underpants zone to a text message, you might as well just email a copy to TMZ these days, cutting out the shit of a middleman you'd mistaken for an intimate.

But it was even worse than you could imagine:

"It was humiliating and it was embarrassing - especially my mum having to see that. It was two days before Mother's Day, so I was nervous.

"I sent her flowers first before I called and then she texted me - when the world is against me she's always there supporting."

Curses - imagine ruining the two-days-before-Mother's-Day day for everyone. Is there no level to which people won't stoop? Couldn't they at least have waited until three-days-after-Mother's-Day, when parents are much more comfortable having their kids' vaginas smeared all over the internet?

The second time as... well, slight desperation

If you were about to launch an avant-garde fashion title, would you choose to effectively rework a two year old NME cover?

For next month's issue, they're going to get Miles Hunt to dress up like her out of DeeLite.

Yes, Beth Ditto naked again. Just like in 2007.

[Via Magculture]

Mozzer: My eyes! My eyes!

With the horrific possibility that to McFly, Lily Allen and Beth Ditto we might soon be welcoming people Googling for Morrissey naked - and with the strict warning that it's Not Safe For Anyone Who Has Recently Eaten - we're compelled to point to Morrissey-Solo's photo of Mozzer and his band nude, save for seven inch singles. With the words "click to enlarge" right underneath.

One of the band - on the extreme right - looks like he should have got a twelve inch remix. But it's fun with this sort of thing to spot the person who was least thrilled when they found out what the plan for the photoshoot was - I'm guessing the guy with the "oh, god, just take the bloody photo" look on his face to Morrissey's right.

With penises strapped to vinyl discs, there is some sort of needledick gag just waiting to be made, isn't there?

The picture is on the inner-sleeve of I'm Throwing My Arms Around Paris, if you'd like to enjoy it in the privacy of your own home without having to worry about those new rules on extreme online porn.

Aubrey O'Kane: Nothing left to hide

Danity Kane are, roughly, the closest thing America has to a Girls Aloud. Born on a reality game show, and destroyed by internal tensions. Okay, perhaps they're a bit closer to The Sugababes.

Anyway, Aubrey O'Day was judged to have been hogging the limelight, but if the hope of the remaining Danitys was that kicking her off the train would allow them to get some of the attention, it's backfired. O'Day is now running off to do Playboy:

"I've also done the cover of Playboyfor 2009," she said late in December. "For one of the months in 2009. I'm not gonna say it. ... It's gonna be a surprise. You know, I think that Playboy for me was one of the most liberating things that I've done as a woman."

For the record, shooting a moose with a stun-gun was the most liberating thing she did when she was a man.

I know what you're thinking: "It was so liberating" is a kind of stock, meaningless word-spurt that PR people usually tell women who've fallen on hard times to say. Perhaps, though, O'Day could explain a bit more clearly?

"You could never imagine how empowering it is to be nude in front of cameras and have people looking at you in that way and seeing you as beautiful."

Empowering. Liberating. Being in Playboy. Really.

Has anyone explained to O'Day exactly how people will be using her pictures?

Kanye plots to remove fans, pants

Kanye West has, rather quickly, been turning into the hip hop Elton John - still capable of the odd flash of brilliance, but mostly just grumpy and irrelevant. It turns out, though, that it's not because he's lost it. Kanye has a plan:

"I made a decision. I wanna make popular music, but I want less fans," he told writer Sean Fennessey when asked if was comfortable with fame. "I want the freedom of having less fans. It's like the freedom of having less money. If you have less money, you have less responsibility."

Wow, how lucky his fans are melting away. At this rate, by the middle of 2011, Kanye will have no responsibility at all.

Yes, you might well ask if Kanye has actually thought this through, and if the evidence of all human experience is that the more money you have, the less responsible you have to be. And, indeed, if Kanye wants to not have so much money, if he'd not be better off giving away the money he already has rather than behaving like a petulant twit at awards shows in the hope of making money less quickly in the future.

It seems, though, that once Kanye is poor enough to no longer be responsible, he's going to take his clothes off:

It's like Björk. If she wanted to pose naked, you'd be like, 'Oh, that's Björk.' But if I wanted to pose naked, people would draw all type of things into it. I definitely feel like, in the next however many years, if I work out for two months, that I'll pose naked. I break every rule and mentality of hip-hop, of black culture, of American culture."

Oh, yes - keeping fit and appearing naked in a magazine. That's never happened before in American culture.

Kanye then adds that he's aiming for 20,000 fans, although given that he thinks he's one of the greatest living lyricists of his age, losing so many followers will be a real challenge for him.

Mystery Jets won't take 'go' for an answer

The Leeds Festival managed to trip over its running times earlier today, winding up with the Mystery Jets ordered off stage after five songs.

The band weren't pleased, and scrapped with roadies as they tried to take their equipment down while they were still playing. Not effectively enough, though, as they still ended having their set cut pointlessly short.

More tributes to the organisational skills of Reading-Leeds: the main stage at Reading has had poor sound quality all weekend, which was 'beyond their control', reckons Melvin Benn:

"The levels on site are almost entirely dictated by the levels offsite," he explained. "The [local] council set levels by which noise, sound can't be above a certain decibel level on certain residential properties nearby [the site].

"They've set exactly the same level that they always set, but the atmospheric conditions [this year] has meant that the sound is staying low and hitting those decibel readings much, much earlier than normal. So we have to turn our levels down."

Oddly, Benn says he has a solution for next year - just one he hadn't bothered to put in place for this year, for some reason.

Meanwhile, when a fire broke out for the second day running at the Reading campsite, the fire engine trying to put it out got stuck in the mud - luckily, another engine was on hand to deal with the fire.

And - try not to picture this - Pink Eyes from Fucked Up stripped naked at Leeds. A brave NME reporter filed this report after peering through smoked glass:

During 'Vivian Girls', taken from the band's 2006 debut 'Hidden World', Pink Eyes, already stripped to the waist, took down his shorts and boxer shorts, tucked his genitals between his legs and faced the audience.

The singer then showed his naked buttocks to the cheering crowd.

They might want to leave the tickets for 2009 off the market for long enough to allow people to forget.

Doherty comes clean

Pete Doherty naked and dripping wet? How could anyone resist?

Oh. Yes. Quite easily.

If you really need Pete's guide to, erm, preparing for going out, get yourself over to YouTube. Reassuringly, you don't get to see his gnarly peppercorn.

We're puzzled as to who'd actually take lessons from Doherty on how to be clean - it's like skincare tips from Lemmy, isn't it?

[Thanks to Michael M]

Put them away, Boyz

Having a name like a gay porn magazine is one thing. Running a sales campaign like one? Quite another. Boyzone have removed all their clothes in a bid to try and interest punters in tickets for their comeback tour.

We're put in mind of those attempts to interest the public at large in opera and ballet by sending out fliers with photos of naked, lithe bodies on them; small print at the bottom warning "actual show contains no nudity." They might put the same wording on the Boyzone ads, although as an encouragement rather than a warning.

Contactmusic stresses it's not quite full-frontal male nudity:

The five bandmates are all completely naked for the ad, but they cover their manhoods with hats.

The website doesn't say if we're talking nightcaps or fascinators.

Mind you, Contact is incredibly trusting:

the years away from the top of the charts has done nothing to dent the quintet's sex symbol status - they all sport sixpacks and Adonis-like bodies in the new pictures.

We don't know if it's more touching that Contact thinks Ronan Keating was a sex symbol - he never quite made it to mathematic symbol - or that it believes advertising pictures are depictions of reality. We picture their staffers on the phone, bellowing "but why won't the tiger talk to us? They're happy enough to advertise breakfast cereals..."

Cheap thrills with Heather Mills

With almost perfect timing, a couple of days after Julie Bindel took a hard look at the naked-awareness raising photo campaigns (the nadir, of course, being Mel B stripping off to, erm, fight sex trafficking), the News of the World uncovers Heather Mills' photos for landline awareness that she, supposedly, shot in 1999 but which have - until now - been protected by the cloak of McCartney's lawyers.

The NOTW tries to suggest that there's something hypocritical about this shoot:

Mucca claimed in her book, Out On A Limb, that she turned her back on raunchy modelling aged 17. She said: "Posing topless just didn't satisfy me."

It seems stripping off entirely obviously did.

She clearly had no idea what she was doing, if she expected full-frontal, gynecological shots to be used generally, even in a good cause. And there is a big question over if stripping off clothes is always (or ever) the best way to draw attention to human suffering. But does the NOTW really think that a well-intentioned art shot by a professional model is analogous to the sort of work done to fill the DVDs and magazines sold in the classified sections of, erm, the News of the World?

Sandi Thom reveals marketing plan B

Since the "internet superstar" angle is a busted flush now, how on earth can Sandi Thom flog her second album?

Hey! How about naked pictures in a magazine? That'll work, right?

Debbie Gibson leads the new Electric Youth

Emboldened by her position as Cowell-like judge on an online talent show, Debbie - now Deborah, if you please - Gibson has established a camp for young people. The Electric Youth camp, of course.

Gibson believes her career means she's, like, Hannah Montana 1.0:

"I was like the Miley Cyrus of my generation and I have a lot of experience and knowledge to offer today's aspiring performers," says Deborah Gibson. "Working with young talent and helping cultivate their skills is extremely rewarding."

We're not entirely sure we'd choose Debbie - sorry, Deborah - Gibson - to guide our kid's career, as she drove into the ground quite quickly and wound up doing, well, this sort of thing:


Of course, when the Debbie Gibson pictures appeared in Playboy, they weren't quite so coy about her being nude.