A small round of applause

Hadley Freeman sticks up for Kate Moss in today's Guardian, and in the course of it says this:

I’ve heard and read plenty of tut-tutting about Moss’s alleged former drug use, with much headshaking about the global damage done by drug users and so on, and that’s just grand: well done on your “virtue signalling”, to borrow a useful term coined by the New Statesman’s Helen Lewis. Strangely, though, I very rarely hear such qualms expressed about, oh, let’s say, Noel Gallagher, who has talked frequently about his former cocaine abuse and yet now seems on the fast track to national treasure status, despite writing songs so boring I honestly believe they should not be played on the radio out of concern for drivers falling asleep at the wheel.

Kate Moss tries to scare Bieber straight

Elle magazine read it in The Sun, and have decided to run with the story even though they don't appear to believe a word of it:

If you can believe the British tabloids, the supermodel gave the Biebs a serious talking-to while they both were celebrating Riccardo Tisci's birthday. Bieber asked to be introduced to her at the party and expected the typical celebrity lovefest. That was not happening. "Kate had a huge go at him and told him he needed to behave,” a source told the UK's The Sun newspaper.

[...]

Even if this tabloid claim ends up being fake, we hope it eventually happens. Because if anyone can teach a big star to clean up his act, it's Kate Moss.

Yes. Yes, I'd certainly think of Kate Moss first when I needed someone to straighten out a musician. After the great work she did with Pete Doherty and all.

Brits 2014: The morning after

A couple of thoughts as the 2014 circus passes into history.

First: If Kate Moss mumbling something about Scotland is the most outrageous thing to happen, congratulations: your awards ceremony is officially moribund.

There is an interesting point, though: if Scotland does break from the UK, would it have an influence on the Brits?

Not really. None of last night's winners are Scottish. None of the performers were Scottish. I don't think any of the award presenters were Scottish.

Bowie might have been better off sending the message 'Scotland, join us' rather than 'stay with us'.

For the record, here's the full list of winners:
British Male Solo Artist - David Bowie

British Female Solo Artist - Ellie Goulding

British Group - Arctic Monkeys

British Breakthrough Act - Bastille

British Single - "Waiting All Night" by Rudimental ft. Ella Eyre

British Album Of The Year - AM by Arctic Monkeys

Best Video – One Direction

International Male Solo Artist - Bruno Mars

International Female Solo Artist - Lorde

International Group - Daft Punk

Global Success - One Direction

Critics' Choice - Sam Smith

British Producer Of The Year - Flood & Alan Moulder

Today just tried to draw the Arctic Monkeys on the Scotland issue, and got rewarded with one of those sub-Lennon "witicisms" rather than an answer. Their desire to not say anything upsetting confirms they've passed a certain point in their career - the Muse Horizon - where they just turn up with album after album that sounds a bit like the last one; the record business assumes they're some sort of edgy, alternative act; and everyone does very nicely out of this drifting along. Apart from the fans.

Finally:

#Brits2014 host James Corden interrupted a speech from Prince to take a selfie #r4today pic.twitter.com/TqxOCADL2H

— BBC Radio 4 Today (@BBCr4today) February 20, 2014

You can see Prince thinking "aaaand this is why I don't do this sort of thing."

Gordon in the morning: The price of fame

Understandably, Gordon has little time for Pete Doherty's explanation of why he's no longer with Kate Moss:

Pete insisted: “Maybe we could have lasted forever.

“When I met her she was just a girl from south London that I fell in love with. But it wasn’t an easy love.

“In a different world, at a different time – if we hadn’t become famous it might have worked.
“But with all the people around us it just couldn’t. They didn’t want us together.”

Gordon points out that it could also be something to do with him running out on an expensive drug rehab programme that Moss had sprung for.

You've got to love the claim that she was "just a girl from South London". Which is odd, because normally someone who is "just a girl from South London" wouldn't be holding a party in their ten bedroom, grade II listed Cotswold second home, would they?

Kate Moss is not a great songwriter after all

Remember when Kate Moss was hanging out with Pete Doherty? Of course you do. What you might have forgotten was at the time Pete was more-or-less in a band called Babyshambles who put out an album. It's more than likely Pete doesn't remember. I suspect he doesn't remember very much about those days.

Kate Moss had a writer's credit on three of the tracks, including for Baddie's Boogie. Mysteriously, though, that credit has subsequently disappeared.

I say "mysteriously". There isn't actually a mystery; turned out a huge chunk of the lyric turns out to be virtually identical to a line from Nick Toczek's Stiff With A Quiff.

It's taken five years, but he's finally got a payment for the infringement from Doherty's team. Chrysalis Music describes this as being settled "amicably" - presumably it was so amicable they dragged it out for five years because they were just enjoying everyone's company so much.

[Thanks to Michael M]

Gordon in the morning: Mythic creature

Er...

TOPLESS Kate Moss is a dishy fish in a pair of shimmering golden trousers which make her look like a mermaid.

How would a mermaid wear trousers, exactly, Gordon?

Gordon in the morning: Partied out

Kate Moss once clung like a limpet to the coolest and most interesting people on the music scene.

Now, though, it's this:

Kate Moss parties with N-Dubz Fazer in Rihanna's hotel room

I think that's the equivalent of having your programme moved to Radio Quiet, isn't it?

Gordon in the morning: A £20k do-it-yourself job

I've got to say; if I'd paid twenty thousand quid for Boy George to sing me a song - whether for charity or not - ...

To show his gratitude, George passed Kate [Moss] the mic so she could sing along.

... I'd not expect to have to sing the bloody song myself.

Glastonbury 2011: Closing the gate after the cows have bolted

Michael Eavis is a bit worried:

Michael Eavis is reportedly worried that Glastonbury is becoming too middle class and elitist.

The festival's founder has allegedly blamed the cause on the regular A list attendees, which include Kate Moss, and has vowed to prevent perceptions of the event becoming too elitist.

Yes, this is a story that's been published this week, and not in the early 1990s. In 2013, it's possible that Eavis might notice that Glastonbury is a bit muddy.

So, Eavis blames Kate Moss for this:

"Michael feels Glastonbury has already become too middle class and gentrified, and is adamant that the festival continues to attract a range of ages, ethnicites and classes," a source told The Mirror.

"Not just showbiz wannabes. Kate has been a great patron of the festival over the years but Michael believes the last couple of festivals have become too much about the Kate Moss show - and not enough about grass-roots music."

Yes, it's the presence of Kate Moss in the VIP area. Not the massive ticket pricehikes; or the presence of shops selling mobile phones on site or the booking of dinner party headliners like U2 and Coldplay. It's all Kate Moss.

It's taken him over a decade to notice the problem. It's going to take a while longer for him to work out the causes. It might be too late to even fix.

[Part of Glastonbury 2011 full coverage]

Gordon in the morning: It's the annual Kate Moss wedding story

Gordon Smart seems to know an awful lot about Kate Moss' planned wedding to Jamie Hince.

The original plan was to have the ceremony in a church in nearby Burford, but it wasn't big enough to hold all their friends and family.

And the newlyweds won't be joining their loved ones for a sing-song on the coach. They will travel to the reception in an MG sports car with balloons tied to the back.

Clearly, The Sun's regular reporting of Moss wedding plans, whether genuine or made-up (didn't she marry Pete Doherty on a beach, Gordon?) has merely been a rehearsal for this moment.

What the pop papers say: Kills and bellyaches

In this week's NME, Alex Denney meets The Kills and has a chuckle at the old rubbish churned out by newspapers when writing about them:

What about the rumour - repeated on no less estimable a source than the Guardian website, among others - that you lost a bunch of songs for the new record when Kate [Moss] chucked your laptop in a swimming pool?

Ha ha - silly Guardian, repeating an obviously made-up tabloid story as fact, eh?

But... what are those "others" Denney coyly refers to?

NME.com, funnily enough. Perhaps they're just a little less estimable than The Guardian?

The Daily Mail is outraged

The Daily Mail really is outraged about the Vogue/Kate Moss/Evan Voytas pop video. Really outraged. It just can't get it out of its head:

Saucy Kate Moss flashes her bra and hitches up her skirt to show her pants in one of her raunchiest shoots ever

Two things here, I think. First: is it saucy or is it raunchy?

Secondly: as the Mail itself concedes, she pole-danced for the White Stripes. And in most of her photo shoots, the top usually comes off at some point. Jesus, one of the iconic Moss images is her, topless in dom boots clutching a teddy bear. She's on the cover of Love overheating commentator's tolerance for who we're allowed to kiss. "Flashing her bra" isn't really measureable on the Moss-raunch scale, surely?

But this is the Mail, so it's not just - uh - outraged - by the shoot, stills of which it runs just so its family audience can understand that, you know, it's not making this up, and you can see her pants and everything.

Oh, no. The Mail has other concerns:

Music obsessed Kate Moss has had one of her raciest shoots yet turned into a pop video - but it's not for boyfriend Jamie Hince's band The Kills.

You know, it's one thing to make a raunchy video for your boyfriend's band, but making one for some other act? What sort of hussy is she, anyway?

Gordon in the morning: Journalism, look away now

Sometimes, you have to wish that Gordon would stick to just printing the photos of people in their skimpies. That way, at least, we'd be spared this sort of thing, where Gordon peers at a photo of Kate Moss trying to divine if there's a pregnancy:

For a supermodel there is a bit of a pot, but that could just be Christmas overindulgence.

It certainly hasn't stopped her smoking if she does have a bun in the oven.

"A bit of a pot"? Really?

Of course, Gordon wouldn't just build this story on a single photo of a woman, so he attempts to construct some context in which his musings might make sense:

According to hotel staff in Phuket - where she and partner JAMIE HINCE are on a "wellbeing" holiday - she has been talking about pregnancy.

There's an obvious language barrier so she was probably just asking if they had any more Babycham.

Yes, that's an elaborately constructed joke right there. Or an attempt at one, anyway. I say 'joke' - there's an obvious language barrier, so Gordon was probably just trying to think through the possibilities.

Gordon in the morning: A rolling Dappy gathers Kate Moss

The idea that Kate Moss spent the weekend trying to catch N-Dubz's eye isn't too unlikely - after all, owners of young bands are warned to spray regularly to avoid an infestation. But there's something about Gordon's story which doesn't quite add up:

IT won't be long before KATE MOSS is greeting pals with "Na, na niiiii" and wearing NANA bling - as she's a massive fan of N-DUBZ.
The supermodel spent most of the weekend at the Isle Of Wight festival following the trio around.

Hmm. Odd thing is, though, there's just one, really crappy, cameraphone picture offered to support this claim. Perhaps she was genuinely stalking them, and spent most of the time hiding behind bins.

Nobody in the photo really looks like they're that thrilled to be there. Kate Moss least of all.

I'm not a psychologist, but I think the look on Moss' face is 'oh, God, if this photo ever appears anywhere, what's left of my alt-cred will flow away'.

Jay Elvis? Never heard of you

Normally, Gordon is quite keen to splash a non-story about JLS, but for some reason he's buried today's:

ASTON, MARVIN, JB and ORITSE are across the Pond recording their second album and thought they would go along to a Los Angeles Lakers basketball game on their night off.

But despite their single Everybody In Love getting airplay on US radio, they are still relatively unknown.

They tried to get VIP courtside tickets usually reserved for the likes of DAVID BECKHAM and LEONARDO DiCAPRIO but their request was denied.

Wouldn't you have loved to have seen that conversation? "What? You've been on the radio and you want free VIP tickets? My grandma's been on the radio. She's calling that Bill O'Reilly all the time. And she doesn't get in for free. Go queue over there for the paid tickets, Jay Elvis, and take your friends with you."

Elsewhere, Gordon Smart gets over-excited at the thought there might be naked photos of Kate Moss in existence, despite her being a model who has done dozens of naked shoots.

Bad news for Universal: Amy's apparently move back in with Blake. Next Winehouse album's doomsday clock moves from 'back end of 2012' to 'sometime, never'

Gordon in the morning: Kate Moss does her job

YOU can always rely on KATE MOSS to happily dispose of her clothes for a fashion shoot.

Yes, it's part of her job. It's hardly news, is it?

Mind you, given that Bizarre is still giving prominence to that JLS joke about selling condoms, perhaps Gordon is running 'fashion model does sexy shoot' as he hasn't got anything else at all to go with.

Gordon in the morning: Specials, sauce

Is there anything more patronising in today's papers than Gordon Smart patting Lynval Golding on the head for having a cheap meal?

THE IVY, Nobu or Cipriani - posh London restaurants where you expect to see celebs tucking into some post-awards bash grub.

But THE SPECIALS legend LYNVAL GOLDING opted for a £7.99 all-you-can-eat buffet back in Coventry after his band picked up The Q Inspiration Award.

What a lord.

Does Gordon realise that the phrase "what a lord" doesn't really sound like praise, and sounds more like what people say when they read one of Gordon's columns?

And why is Gordon suddenly applauding a frugal approach?

That's a lesson to the next generation. Just weeks ago I rumbled JLS with a £6,000 bar bill after a night on the pull.

Talk about Too Much Too Young. I'm sure they'd find a much higher standard of future wife at their nearest Taybarns.

Well, "rumbled" in the sense of "ran a story about".

But this story isn't really about Lynval, or even about JLS (God, how did they even get in here?) No, the story is about one thing. Again. Or rather two:

I spoke to Amy at the awards and she was the most lucid and healthy I have seen her for ages.

We even had a chuckle about her new knockers. But later she posted Facebook messages for Blake, saying: "See you when you know when. Can't wait to be all gentle and nasty."

Yes, Gordon is still going on about Amy's breasts.

Still, it's not like Gordon's obsessed with Amy Winehouse's tits.

KATE MOSS unveils her biggest-ever Christmas fashion range for Topshop - and is busting to display a couple of crackers into the bargain.

The supermodel, 35, looked curvy in a low-cut sequined dress as she showed off her collection for the high street chain.

He's just obsessed with any breasts.

Gordon in the morning: You don't listen to N-Dubz for the sense of musical history

Sweet joy for Gordon Smart today, as he finds someone with even less of a steady grip on popular culture than he has:

N-DUBZ star TULISA CONTOSTAVLOS proves she's got soul but she's no fan of THE KILLERS.

The singer confessed she had no idea the sample for the brilliant new War Child track which she features on was from All These Things That I've Done by the US outfit.

She confessed that. And asked for three other charges of not being able to tell U2 from Radiohead to be taken into consideration.

Tulisa and the rest of the Young Soul Rebelswill perform the song, I Got Soul, for the first time at Wednesday's MOBOs in Glasgow.

Ah, yes, Music of Black Origin - N-Dubz singing a song based around a Brandon Flowers piece. There's a celebration.

Still, it must be exciting for Glasgow, this week preparing to hold an event that it's pumped cash into to help shift the idea of Glasgow from being a crumbling, old-fashioned, bypassed city into something new and modern and a little multicultural. Isn't that right, Gordon?

I'll be there tapping my foot, drinking Irn-Bru and eating Tunnock's Tea Cakes.

Oh.

I suppose the good people of Glasgow can take comfort that he didn't mention hot battered confectionery. Although there's still time.

Elsewhere, Gordon manages to spin a lead article from the somewhat humdrum news that Kate Moss is now a member of the PRS.

Gordon in the morning: Model models

The leading story in the showbusy world this morning, according to the online version of Bizarre, is that, erm, Kate Moss has done some modeling.

Yes, since you ask, that is what she does for a living and not, you'd consider, so much of a surprise. Saskia Quirke is given the task of trying to make 'person does job for which they're paid' into something noteworthy:

SMOULDERING KATE MOSS is back to being super-glam again — after some rough words about her recent appearances.

Super-glam, huh? Who is she modeling? Versace? Gucci?

She wore outfits, including a £130 see-through top, that she designed for Topshop.

Oh. Superglam in a Top Shop sense, then.

Still, at least you can see her nipples in one picture, eh, Saskia?

And there’s no doubt which image is breast.

Breast - do you get it? Do you? It's quite subtle.

Oddly, though, while in this piece, Bizarre is pointing and yelling "look, you can see her tits and everything", Gordon suddenly comes over all coy when talking about Dizzee Rascal and hios ways of saving money:

He tells me: “I’m quite an outgoing person, but I much prefer staying in, playing PlayStation and getting... ”

Er, let’s just say at this point he explained that he likes getting intimate with da ladies.

Do you mean fucking, Gordon? Given that you run photo after photo of women showing their nix and nips, why do you suddenly get all shy when you have to actually talk about sex?

Isn't there a name for someone who is sneakily obsessed with breasts and butts, but turns bright red and can't look you in the eye when talk about people actually having sex?

Oh, yeah: it's "pubescent", isn't it?

It's not entirely clear why Dizzee is sharing his money saving tips with us in the first place, but it does give Gordon's Photoshop Intern the chance to lazily stick Rascal's head on The Sun's Captain Crunch character. That's the retread of the News Of The World's Captain Cash, bemusingly named after the Sou'westered breakfast cereal hero. Although, to be honest, I'm not sure very many women would be thrilled to know you're staying in having sex with them because you're too cheap to spring for a trip to the pictures.

Gordon in the morning: Picking up the kid

Bizarre online this morning is leading with a long-lens shot of Madonna with the new child she's trying to buy. I suppose if Malawi is prepared to ignore the rules on overseas adoptions, there's no reason to expect the Sun to respect the rules on invasions of children's privacy.

The paper does, however, respect Madonna's privacy, and blots out her address when it reproduces the court papers.

Virginia Wheeler has flown out to Malawi, and manages to report the story as if Madonna has already been approved:

LITTLE Mercy James looks back at her orphanage home as she walks away to prepare for her new life as MADONNA’s adopted daughter.

The Queen of Pop was pictured with Mercy for the first time yesterday as authorities began finalising the adoption arrangements.

[...]The judge will give an official ruling on Friday — but Madonna, 50, has already been told that her application will succeed.

Wheeler doesn't seem in the least bit bothered, or alarmed, or interested in the idea that the court hearing has been treated in such a way.

We should approach this story remembering that Wheeler filed the "Perv Glitter stroked my arm" report for the Sun which exclusively broke the news that Gary Glitter could touch people from rows and rows of seats away.

The Sun's inability to treat this story with any degree of seriousness is probably summed up by the decision to put a jokey caption on a photo of David Banda being reintroduced to the father who awkwardly stopped him from being an orphan.

Gordon, meanwhile, takes delivery of a press release from TopShop with some pictures of Kate Moss:

KATE MOSS scrubs up well.

Here’s the Croydon clothes horse looking in the finest of fettle in a promo shot for her new Topshop collection.

She looks a far cry from the blurry-eyed party animal snapped out on the thrash during the last month.

You know, I could have sworn an adult just published a sentence which suggests that professional model shoots tend to result in better looking photos than if you take a quick snap of the same person while they're on a night out. Perhaps that's his April Fool.

Marvellous things, airbrushes.

Yes. Clearly, Gordon - who happily churns out any load of photoshopped-to-buggery pictures with barely a murmur - is having a laugh, by running a piece that pretends to object to pictures being touched up in the studio. Very good, Gordon.