Gordon in the morning: Dispatches from Milton Keynes

The unelected junta who rule Milton Keynes from the Homes And Communities Agency will be delighted with the new high-profile of the city. World Cup bids, Mark Lawson's thumbs-up (although apparently he manages to sit in traffic jams in the city centre and hasn't noticed that most of the large shops and restaurants are in the heart of the town and not "out-of-town").

And now: an appearance in Gordon Smart's column. Nick Parker and Virginia Wheeler have joined forces to bring a tale of Amy Winehouse's trip to the panto:

Amy went to the show to see pal ANTHONY KAVANAGH - a reality TV star standing in as Prince Charming for regular BEN ADAMS, of boyband A1.

Good lord, can you imagine being Ben Adams' stand-in? It's like being bought on as a substitute for the wheezy boy stood on the sidelines with a note from matron.

Amy turned up relaxed, claims The Sun, and left a trail of disaster in her wake.

A backstage source said: "Anthony brought Amy to impress the cast with his showbiz connections. But it backfired badly."

The source added Amy was "like a demonic child" and made kids in the 1,400-strong audience cry.

So, not all bad, then.

Thames Valley Police are currently burning through our council taxes investigating a possible assault, but no arrests have been made.

Gordon in the morning: Revisiting a bad idea

I think everyone had assumed that Gordon Smart had quietly dropped his vaguely homophobic tent-based scoring "guydar", but, oh no: It's back today. Apparently, somehow, having implied sex with Paris Hilton triggers 80% on Gordon's pink triangle scoring system. Somehow.

Still, all credit to Gordon for pushing forward with the sort of idea that lesser men would have dropped long before it ever reached the newspaper.

Meanwhile, well done to Virginia Wheeler and the entire Bizarre team for running a long lens photo of Mercy James as she arrived in London. I suppose if Malawian officials have decided that adoption law doesn't apply to the child, it's not surprising that Gordon and his gang have decided that the Press Complaints Commission ban on running photos of children without very good reason somehow isn't in action, either.

Wheeler shows how well she's kept up with the story she was sent by the Sun to cover:

WIDE-eyed Malawian orphan Mercy James gazes at the hustle and bustle of London yesterday...

To be fair, the first word is right, Mercy was wide-eyed. And, yes, she was Malawian.

But wasn't it established quite swiftly that, having a father who actually wanted to keep her with her family, Mercy wasn't actually an orphan?

Gordon in the morning: Love you til Luton

Virginia Wheeler is still Gordon's closest-thing-to-a-writer in Malawi, and is still shovelling out Madonna-camp-pleasing coverage:

The boss of Mercy’s orphanage, the Kondanani Children’s Home, said the youngster “could not understand where her new family had gone”.

Annie Chikhwaza said: “It’s devastating for Mercy. She had bonded with her new family and was calling for Madonna, saying, ‘Where is my Mummy?’

“She couldn’t understand where Lola, David and Rocco had gone — she thought they were playing hide and seek. It broke my heart to see her crying out for David as they’d become inseparable."

Virginia doesn't see this as being a good example of why you shouldn't make promises to children until you're bloody certain you can make good on them. She doesn't suggest that the whole thing suggests that the orphanage has been placing Madonna's needs ahead of those of Mercy. She doesn't think to question Chikhwaza's odd claims - why would Mercy think the other kids were "playing hide and seek"? It's not like they were living at the orphanage, is it? Wouldn't Mercy just assume they'd gone back to their nicer place to live? Isn't this sort of statement more about trying to manipulate press coverage and court decisions rather than telling the truth?

Although Mercy does have a good point: where is Madonna?

Madonna, 50, flew to Britain with kids Lourdes, 12, Rocco, eight, and adopted three-year-old David Banda, greeted at Luton Airport by Madge’s ex-hubby GUY RITCHIE.

But the devastated singer cut a forlorn figure as she stepped alone from the private plane.

Given that one of the reasons she was turned down as an adoptor was a lack of time spent in the country, and if she was really that devastated, why was she in Luton? If we take Wheeler's reportage at face value, what we seem to have is a desperately upset child, and a woman who claims to care about that child puts thousands of miles between them.

Normally, Gordon's work on Simon Fuller and Simon Cowell being up for the same award would not detain us, but connosieurs of bad photoshop will enjoy the terrible, terrible boxing-mock-up-artwork.

Gordon in the morning: Yes, Virginia, there is a rule of law

The big news in Gordon's kingdom this morning is Madonna being told 'no':

Madonna screamed ‘Whaaaat’ and held head in her hands

That's probably 'what' as in 'what does this thing 'no' mean? It's a word I've heard, of course, but not one that has ever been directed towards my face before.'

Yes, Virginia Wheeler is finally doing some reporting from the court room in Malawi.

STUNNED MADONNA screamed “Whaaaat?” and held her head in her hands yesterday after a judge sensationally DENIED her bid to adopt a second Malawian orphan.

Perhaps Madonna was so surprised because she'd been reading Wheeler's reports that the whole thing was a done deal. Court was a "rubber stamp", wasn't it, Virginia?

The head of the orphanage where Mercy will today return said the ruling would be “like a dagger in Madonna’s heart”.

Annie Chikhwaza, who runs the Kondanani Children’s Home where the tot has spent most of her life, re-introduced Mercy to Madge when the singer touched down in Malawi last week.

And she revealed the excited little girl’s first word when she saw Madonna was “Mummy”.

Now, you or I might think this is a sign that the orphanage and Madonna have been handling this whole thing really badly - Madonna, apparently, making promises to a child that she thought were underwritten by her cash; the orphanage not cautioning that no child should be told they're being adopted until the paperwork is in place. This seems pretty scandalous.

So, surely Virginia will want to make sure her readers remember exactly who has been at the heart of this story, and the only person who should matter?

Well, sort of:

A family friend said: “Madonna is an amazing woman who always gets what she wants.

“This is a massive embarrassment for her. She is furious, shocked, devastated and cannot believe what’s happened.”

Back in Britain, and more surprise for anyone who relies on the Sun's reports to understand the world. You'll recall yesterday how the triumvirate of Gordon Smart, Sara Nathan and James Clench diagnosed Matthew Horne's illness:

The actor, said to be suffering from exhaustion, was taken off on a stretcher, breathing with an oxygen mask[...]
A source said: “Mat has been working so hard. He is a fragile guy. Friends worried he was taking on too much. It’s been stressful.”

Doctors last night said Mat was suffering severe stress.

Oddly, though, today a fourth writer, Rhodri Phillips turns up to deliver today's update:

COMIC actor Mathew Horne — who collapsed on stage during a West End show — is suffering from a virus, it was revealed yesterday.
[...]
It had been thought the Gavin and Stacey star, who appears in a TV sketch show and the film Lesbian Vampire Killers, could be suffering exhaustion.

Really... I wonder what could have made it "had been thought" that?

Gordon in the morning: The low groan on the treadmill is the sound of Madonna being shattered

What's this? Has Virginia Wheeler had second thoughts about Madonna's "adoption"?

Madge is unfit mother

Has Virginia considered the reasons why plucking a child, labeling him or her an "orphan", taking them from their family and pushing them into the arms of a nanny or two, might be bad for the child, however good it makes the 'adopter' look?

No, of course not:

MADONNA’S tour of African orphanages was suspended yesterday after she twisted her ankle falling off a treadmill.

[Footage of Michael Parkinson looking concerned unavailable at this time]

Yes, a treadmill. In Malawi. Why do you find that strange?

The singer, 50, had gym equipment specially flown to Malawi so she could keep fit.

Does anyone remember Madonna taking part in Live Earth? Something about trying to reduce our carbon footprints? Perhaps she was flying in orphan-powered treadmills on planes that floated on the power of Kabbalah alone.

Our local expert on Africa has confirmed that, while some nations on the continent lag behind richer Western nations in infrastructure, Malawi does possess long, flat surfaces upon which those keen to have a little jog could have a little jog. "The other advantage of running on the ground," he observed, "is that it's much harder to fall off."

Also falling over yesterday was Matthew Horne out of Little & Wise. He collapsed on stage during a performance of Entertaining Mr Sloane. Man falls over? That's quite a big story, isn't it? Who's going to write it down?

By SARA NATHAN

Yes, the TV editor. Horne is on television. All the bloody time. Of course. But this is a big story. Can Sara handle it on her own?

, GORDON SMART

Naturally Gordon must help with the story. He knows a lot about... he's... he has expertise to share.

But hang about... Sara is a busy TV editor from London's Wapping, and Gordon has many demands on his time. Those shots of a man in a cardigan looking awkward don't take themselves. We're actually going to need someone to write the story, aren't we?

and JAMES CLENCH

Good. The team's all here. Two editors and a person who has access to a keyboard. A superpowered reporting team. They'll be able - between them - to gain access to secret sources and entertainment deep throats to bring coverage of this man falling over that the general public would never be able to tap into. Hit us with your discoverage, SaraGordonJames:

His MySpace page yesterday said he was “drained”.

Gordon in the morning: He loves a happy ending, does Gordon

What can a headline like this possibly mean?

Dubai do again

Dubai do... doobedoo... has Dubai now got so much money it's cloned Frank Sinatra and will make him sing Strangers In The Night over the airport tannoy?

SOCCER ace Ashley Cole wants to whisk wife CHERYL back to Dubai to renew their wedding vows, The Sun can reveal.

He has been secretly plotting a romantic break with her this summer after the football season.

Oh.

Still, Gordon is carried away with the romance of it all:

The millionaire footballer — on international duty against Ukraine last night — is shopping for an expensive ring to present to Girls Aloud singer Cheryl in the swish Al Mahra resort.

Oh, bless.

England and Chelsea defender Cole, 28, plans to take X Factor judge Cheryl, 25, to the spot in the desert where he proposed in 2005.

Oh, how beautiful.

And he hopes the trip will draw a line under the one-night stand he had with hairdresser Aimee Walton, 23, which nearly destroyed his marriage last year.

Ah yes. Now... refresh my memory, Gordon: who was it who helped almost destroy the marriage in the first place?

Back, for example, on February 19th 2008?

Cheryl has pondered how to deal with the scumbag Premier League numbnuts during a luxury hol in Thailand. [...]
Chezza, you’re a beautiful, successful woman, send Ashley packing.

I’ve a drawer full of phone numbers from lads around the country offering you a shoulder to cry on ...

And then there was the Bizarre-branded stuff from Richard White on February 1st:

DEVASTATED CHERYL COLE has been told she could land a £4million payout by divorcing her cheating hubby ASHLEY.

In fact, where did the whole story start in the first place? Wasn't it a big exclusive reveal by The Sun?

Still, it's heartwarming to see that having done its best to turn admittedly bad behaviour into a bitter divorce, the Sun and the Bizarre team are now equally happy to claim exclusives on the rapprochement.

And they're serious about it: This is the second time in six months Gordon's pages have run a story claiming the pair are about to renew their vows.

More dreadful coverage of Madonna childscoop '09 from Gordon's person in Malawi, Virgina Wheeler this morning. Wheeler effectively decides to drop the idea of reporting in favour of running Madonna's side without question:

MADONNA last night slammed critics of her plans to adopt a second African orphan — insisting that her intentions are “totally heartfelt”.

The singer’s spokeswoman told how Madge had an “instant and profound” connection with MERCY JAMES the moment she first met her more than a year ago.

A journalist might wonder how, if the connection was so profound, Madonna didn't choose to spend more time with Mercy - at least while the adoption was being processed. In keeping with the usual Malawian practice, in fact, for overseas adoption.

Some human rights groups accused Madonna, 50, of using her cash to “bulldoze” the process in Malawi.

But her statement insisted she had “not skirted any legal issues”.

The adoption of four-year-old Mercy is set to be rubber-stamped tomorrow by a court in capital Lilongwe.

A journalist might have paused for a moment, and wondered how a court can be "rubber-stamping" a decision if "legal issues" are not being "skirted".

Madonna’s lawyer Alan Chinula told The Sun: “There is no existing law that can stop this adoption now.”

A journalist might have asked, at the very least, about the rules of the African Union - of which Malawi is a member - which suggests that overseas adoption of children should be a last resort.

The headline?

Madge: I loved my Mercy at first sight

A journalist might ask if there is a difference between loving someone, and adopting them, ripping them from their family and home, and thrusting them into the glare of the international media.

And shouldn't the "my" be in quote marks?

Gordon in the morning: Picking up the kid

Bizarre online this morning is leading with a long-lens shot of Madonna with the new child she's trying to buy. I suppose if Malawi is prepared to ignore the rules on overseas adoptions, there's no reason to expect the Sun to respect the rules on invasions of children's privacy.

The paper does, however, respect Madonna's privacy, and blots out her address when it reproduces the court papers.

Virginia Wheeler has flown out to Malawi, and manages to report the story as if Madonna has already been approved:

LITTLE Mercy James looks back at her orphanage home as she walks away to prepare for her new life as MADONNA’s adopted daughter.

The Queen of Pop was pictured with Mercy for the first time yesterday as authorities began finalising the adoption arrangements.

[...]The judge will give an official ruling on Friday — but Madonna, 50, has already been told that her application will succeed.

Wheeler doesn't seem in the least bit bothered, or alarmed, or interested in the idea that the court hearing has been treated in such a way.

We should approach this story remembering that Wheeler filed the "Perv Glitter stroked my arm" report for the Sun which exclusively broke the news that Gary Glitter could touch people from rows and rows of seats away.

The Sun's inability to treat this story with any degree of seriousness is probably summed up by the decision to put a jokey caption on a photo of David Banda being reintroduced to the father who awkwardly stopped him from being an orphan.

Gordon, meanwhile, takes delivery of a press release from TopShop with some pictures of Kate Moss:

KATE MOSS scrubs up well.

Here’s the Croydon clothes horse looking in the finest of fettle in a promo shot for her new Topshop collection.

She looks a far cry from the blurry-eyed party animal snapped out on the thrash during the last month.

You know, I could have sworn an adult just published a sentence which suggests that professional model shoots tend to result in better looking photos than if you take a quick snap of the same person while they're on a night out. Perhaps that's his April Fool.

Marvellous things, airbrushes.

Yes. Clearly, Gordon - who happily churns out any load of photoshopped-to-buggery pictures with barely a murmur - is having a laugh, by running a piece that pretends to object to pictures being touched up in the studio. Very good, Gordon.