What can a headline like this possibly mean?
Dubai do again
Dubai do... doobedoo... has Dubai now got so much money it's cloned Frank Sinatra and will make him sing Strangers In The Night over the airport tannoy?
SOCCER ace Ashley Cole wants to whisk wife CHERYL back to Dubai to renew their wedding vows, The Sun can reveal.
He has been secretly plotting a romantic break with her this summer after the football season.
Still, Gordon is carried away with the romance of it all:
The millionaire footballer — on international duty against Ukraine last night — is shopping for an expensive ring to present to Girls Aloud singer Cheryl in the swish Al Mahra resort.
England and Chelsea defender Cole, 28, plans to take X Factor judge Cheryl, 25, to the spot in the desert where he proposed in 2005.
Oh, how beautiful.
And he hopes the trip will draw a line under the one-night stand he had with hairdresser Aimee Walton, 23, which nearly destroyed his marriage last year.
Ah yes. Now... refresh my memory, Gordon: who was it who helped almost destroy the marriage in the first place?
Back, for example, on February 19th 2008?
Cheryl has pondered how to deal with the scumbag Premier League numbnuts during a luxury hol in Thailand. [...]
Chezza, you’re a beautiful, successful woman, send Ashley packing.
I’ve a drawer full of phone numbers from lads around the country offering you a shoulder to cry on ...
And then there was the Bizarre-branded stuff from Richard White on February 1st:
DEVASTATED CHERYL COLE has been told she could land a £4million payout by divorcing her cheating hubby ASHLEY.
In fact, where did the whole story start in the first place? Wasn't it a big exclusive reveal by The Sun?
Still, it's heartwarming to see that having done its best to turn admittedly bad behaviour into a bitter divorce, the Sun and the Bizarre team are now equally happy to claim exclusives on the rapprochement.
And they're serious about it: This is the second time in six months Gordon's pages have run a story claiming the pair are about to renew their vows.
More dreadful coverage of Madonna childscoop '09 from Gordon's person in Malawi, Virgina Wheeler this morning. Wheeler effectively decides to drop the idea of reporting in favour of running Madonna's side without question:
MADONNA last night slammed critics of her plans to adopt a second African orphan — insisting that her intentions are “totally heartfelt”.
The singer’s spokeswoman told how Madge had an “instant and profound” connection with MERCY JAMES the moment she first met her more than a year ago.
A journalist might wonder how, if the connection was so profound, Madonna didn't choose to spend more time with Mercy - at least while the adoption was being processed. In keeping with the usual Malawian practice, in fact, for overseas adoption.
Some human rights groups accused Madonna, 50, of using her cash to “bulldoze” the process in Malawi.
But her statement insisted she had “not skirted any legal issues”.
The adoption of four-year-old Mercy is set to be rubber-stamped tomorrow by a court in capital Lilongwe.
A journalist might have paused for a moment, and wondered how a court can be "rubber-stamping" a decision if "legal issues" are not being "skirted".
Madonna’s lawyer Alan Chinula told The Sun: “There is no existing law that can stop this adoption now.”
A journalist might have asked, at the very least, about the rules of the African Union - of which Malawi is a member - which suggests that overseas adoption of children should be a last resort.
Madge: I loved my Mercy at first sight
A journalist might ask if there is a difference between loving someone, and adopting them, ripping them from their family and home, and thrusting them into the glare of the international media.
And shouldn't the "my" be in quote marks?