Gordon in the morning: Raking over the Coles again

Wasn't the Bizarre position on Ashley Cole and Cheryl Cole well-established back during the break-up, when Smart ran stories nearly every day urging Cheryl to leave him?

Oddly, now there are stories about a possible reunification - and that looks in no way like a cynical attempt to rebuild a brand badly damaged by the indifference of America - The Sun isn't so sure if it's a good thing or not that they split in the first place, and Gordon is asking his readers to vote:

Should Ashley and Cheryl get back together?

Yes
No

Gordon seems to be confusing what we're supposed to believe is real life with that rotten column in the back of the Guardian Weekend magazine.

Naturally, he wouldn't expect even his own readers - the world's most sophisticated electorate - to prod a simple button without a bit of help. So we get cheerleaders for each case (maybe Gordon should try pitching this to Sky TV):

Should she take him back?

YES

Says SAM CARLISLE, Sun Features Editor

Cheryl is wealthy and has no kids - unlike certain other WAGs she didn't have to do this.

So go for it Chezza, and pray he appreciates you this time.

NO

Says DEIDRE SANDERS, Sun Agony Aunt

The trouble is he is so like the other men in her life who have let her down - her alcoholic granddad, her father who was too young to cope with a family, her problem-ridden brother.

They've all made well-meant promises they failed to keep.

Presumably Deidre is called an agony aunt because she's like one of those aunts who loves to inflict agony by churning through your life's failures and disappointments under the guise of caring.

The sense that all this is about generating column inches and trying to keep a buzz going isn't entirely dissipated by Gordon's "source":

A source said: "For the first time in nine years Cheryl's looking at an empty diary. After the X Factor USA plans fell apart, she realised there wasn't much else in her life. She realised she had to embrace those closest to her - and Ashley remains the love of her life."

Is there anything more romantic than a relationship that you're rekindling because you've got a few days off?

Gordon in the morning: Ashley Cole and his record label

Gordon reports this morning that Ashley Cole and Jay Z are going to team up to launch a record label.

It's clear why, if Cole was planning to put out some records, he'd need Jay Z's help. What is less clear, though, is why Jay Z would want Cole on board.

Smart has combed the cuttings to find evidence of Cole's value to a future label:

"I love TINIE TEMPAH, some 50 CENT, EMINEM and I like meeting guys like Tinchy. So it's something I'd like to do when I'm finished playing. I hope so."

Yes, if you're cannily able to spot Eminem and 50 Cent just twenty years into their careers, you've clearly got A&R chops, Ashley.

But perhaps there'd be some other reason why Mr. Z might want to hook up with Mr Cole? Gordon, any ideas?

The pair first met at a gig in 2009 and have kept in touch since. Jay is a huge sports fan and owns a share of basketball team the New Jersey Nets. He knows how big soccer is and that there is money to be made.

The rapper will need a better understanding of the game than most Americans, mind.

Erm, yes, if you go into the music business with a footballer, you'd really need to understand the difference between a throw-in and a corner kick.

By the way, Gordon: Soccer has been the most popular sport for kids in the US since the 1980s, so "most Americans" have a pretty good understanding of the game. Certainly better than your understanding of American culture.

So, to sum up this story then: for no apparent reason, at some undefined fixed point in the future, two people might work together in a way that isn't actually explained. It's not exactly a lie, but it reads more like a wish.

Gordon in the morning: Scenes from the end of a marriage

Without much of a sense of shame, Richard White and Sean Hamilton (Gordon must be on holiday, then) claim an exclusive on, erm, a court list:

CHERYL COLE is due to divorce love rat hubby ASHLEY in the High Court today.

The couple's case - referred to only by their initials - tops a list of splits scheduled for this morning.

It appears the Coles asked to be listed by initials to "avoid publicity". That worked, then.

You might wonder that, given the marriage was all over the papers, and Mr Cole's errors of judgement were all over the papers, and the split was all over the papers, and the early stages of the divorce were all over the papers, and the decision of Mrs Cole to remain Mrs Cole was released to the papers, that now is perhaps a little too late to be trying to keep things quiet. Indeed, wouldn't you want the divorce bit to actually be public?

Still, it's nice that - as Gordon promised us - it's all being sorted out before the World Cup.

Gordon in the morning: Turner the Coles

Clearly, given the way Gordon suddenly stopped referring to Cheryl as Tweedy and reverted to Cole a couple of weeks ago, it's not actually news to him that Cheryl Cole has decided to remain branded with Ashley's name, but he pretends like it's breaking this morning.

X Factor judge Cheryl says her move was inspired by chart legend TINA TURNER, 70, who kept husband and bandmate Ike's name after their 1976 divorce.

Apparently, she's afraid people might get confused:

a source said: "Cheryl has decided her married name will stay. She feels the most successful period of her career has been under the name Cole.

"She's established in Europe. Going back to her maiden name Tweedy would be confusing.

"It also shows she is bigger than Ashley and prepared to be grown up about a difficult time in her life. She is a fan of Tina Turner. Tina was divorced during her career but decided to stick with her married name because it was how she was best known."

It's a nice little explanation, although I suspect it's a decision taken by someone in an office rather than by Tweedy herself. Cole herself.

Why would keep your ex-husband's name to show you're "bigger" than Ashley? Does that make any sense? Should Ashley now change his name to Tweedy to show he was just as big as Cheryl?

She better hope he doesn't insist on a licensing fee.

Gordon in the morning: Still ill

Following on from the plea of one of her less successful Girls Aloud colleagues yesterday, much of the nation is indeed praying for Cheryl Cole's swift return to health, if only to spare us the daily updates and the pain of watching Gordon trying to come up with new angles, day-in, day-out.

Today, he's reduced to this:

[Tweedy's] estranged hubby ASHLEY COLE closely quizzed a TV girl about Cheryl's relationship with US dancer DEREK HOUGH.

Cheryl, 27, was rushed to hospital with a fever on Sunday after catching the potentially fatal disease on holiday in Tanzania last month with Derek, 25.

The next night, love-cheat soccer ace Ashley, 29 - on hols in Los Angeles - cornered TV assistant Marla Jackson after hearing she worked with Derek on US TV show Dancing Wth The Stars.

Oh, yes: it only takes a spot of water on your sort-of-ex-sort-of-wife's lungs, and you come crawling back.

Or is he really worried about Cheryl?

"He asked if Derek had had a lot of girlfriends, what his sense of humour's like and whether he's a big drinker."

That sounds more like someone trying to decide if he should ask for a date, doesn't it?

Elsewhere, there's a new high water mark in awkward Bizarre shots:

Aside from the hyperawkwardness of the picture - nice to see Snoop's 'are you sure this guy is important in the media?' face - is the pressing question of what in the name of old glory is Gordon wearing? Did he steal that from Little Lofty, the Fisherman's Friend trawlerman?

Gordon in the morning: Because I'm worth it

Trumpeting off the front of Bizarre this morning is news that Cheryl Cole might want to think about opening a new savings account soon:

CHERYL COLE will get around £4.5million from love-rat hubby ASHLEY when she is granted a quickie divorce, The Sun can reveal.

Oddly, this story is credited not to Gordon, but to Lia Nicholls, showbiz reporter. Perhaps Gordon decided that he'd had enough Cole exclusives, after last week's story which told Sun readers, definitively:

GENEROUS CHERYL COLE is not asking for one penny from cheating husband ASHLEY in the divorce action she launched yesterday.

It falls to Lia to try and straddle the gap between Gordon's exclusive and her own:

The bumper payout comes despite earlier claims the singer, 26, did not want a penny.

The earlier claims came solely from Gordon Smart and Virginia Wheeler. Wisely, Lia decides not to mention the only people who'd made such a claim.

There is another question - if Cheryl not having any sort of settlement would have made her "generous", what does the decision to take four million off Ashley make her?

It turns out that this story is just another piece of speculation:

Insiders say he expects a £4million bill after he signed papers agreeing to lawyers' demands before jetting off to South Africa.

A source said: "He can't believe she will walk away with nothing. She worked as hard as him for their possessions."

Of course Ashley can't believe Cheryl wants nothing. He read it in The Sun, and who believes a word they see there?

The story ends on a slightly ominous note:

An England insider said: "The team have internet in their rooms and there's no question he'll be keeping tabs on her from afar."

Also, he knows a guy who breaks legs for a tenner. Be warned.

Gordon in the morning: Raking over the cold Coles

Gordon calls in Virginia Wheeler to help him with this morning's big story - a world exclusive, no less: Cheryl Cole is divorcing Ashley.

Yes, a world exclusive. I'll bet the New York Times and Liberation are kicking themselves they've missed out on this one.

Cheryl is portrayed throughout like someone The Sun desperately needs to keep sweet ("like some sort of saint"):

GENEROUS CHERYL COLE is not asking for one penny from cheating husband ASHLEY in the divorce action she launched yesterday.

Multi-millionaire with several lucrative jobs not needing support from other multi-millionaire, then.

But it's not just that she's not seeking money from the divorce. Oh no, Saint Cheryl is also timing the divorce so as not to ruin the World Cup:

And she has told lawyers to rush through a quickie divorce because she is determined the key England defender must go into the World Cup without being distracted by "emotional turmoil". An insider told The Sun last night:

"Cheryl made a swift decision to put England's World Cup dreams ahead of herself. The divorce should be finalised before England's first touch of the ball in South Africa on June 12."

A cynic might wonder if the timing is more about maximising the publicity impact of the divorce by timing it when it becomes a World Cup story. This is the marriage break-up equivalent of those Edam flavour crisps - there's not any real reason for them; they don't really have any connection to the World Cup; they smell a little odd and taste even ranker.

If Cole really was putting the World Cup ahead of her emotional wellbeing, wouldn't the timing of the divorce have been at a totally different time, rather than slap-bang in the days before kick-off?

The marriage always had the air of a business deal; the ending of it as The Official England Team Divorce (TM) doesn't really do anything to dispel that notion.

In other Gordon-flavoured news, the gap at the top of the Glastonbury bill is worrying him:

Zeppelin guitarist JIMMY PAGE immediately put his band in the frame to replace the Irish rockers. He said: "I refuse to rule anything out."

That's not really putting yourself in the frame, is it?

The band haven't played together since 2007; they haven't been preparing for this. Parachuting into a headline slot in a month's time sounds a bit of a stretch. And that would be if Robert Plant was interested. Which he isn't.

Mind you, things could be worst:

Eavis is also talking to CHRIS MARTIN about COLDPLAY filling U2's boots, and I reckon they will accept. They are big fans of Glasto.

Well, yes, they'd be worthy replacements, allowing most people to switch the TV off and yell "that sodbag" at exactly the point they would have done if Bono had come on.

As I revealed earlier this week, DIZZEE RASCAL, already on this year's Pyramid Stage bill, has been asked to prepare for the job too.

Really? No disrespect to Mr Rascal, but that's really like parachuting John Craven in to present Newsnight, isn't it?

Gordon in the morning: Where sexual politics meets football

With Cheryl Cole over trying desperately to interest the Americans, she's been hanging out with the Black Eyed Peas. Fergie made some sort of joke that she might have sex with Cole.

Gordon Smart and Ashley Cole's teammates have exploded as a result:

JOHN TERRY, DIDIER DROGBA and FRANK LAMPARD have been among those teasing the Chelsea defender with jibes like "You've turned your wife gay".

Apart from being pre-juvenile, this doesn't even make any sense at all. How does a bisexual woman saying she finds someone attractive make the object of her attention gay?

Gordon, footballers: it doesn't work like that. Gay and bisexual people don't go round firing some sort of queerectoplasm at straight people turning them gay.

It doesn't even make any sense to 'blame' Ashley - Cheryl is hanging out with the Peas because of her career, not because she used to be married to Ashley, so even if you were going to bother to make a joke, it would be "ha ha, her career has made your ex-wife attractive to bisexual women". Which wouldn't be funny. Which is exactly the same as the original remarks, but at least has a degree of accuracy.

And they have laughed that Ashley, 29 - dumped by Cheryl over his cheating - might have missed out on a threesome, telling him: "You could have been in the middle of that!"

That makes even less sense - if you assume that Ashley had turned Cheryl gay, why would he be involved in a threesome with her and Fergie? Why would someone whose sexuality you have somehow re-engineered away from heterosexuality then invite you to have sex with them?

I know footballers aren't meant to be that smart, but surely they've seen enough websites to understand this sort of thing a bit better?

Gordon in the morning: Thin day

Coming this spring to Channel 4 - a whole new season of Dharma and Greg. She's a free-flowing free spirit who loves life; he's an uptight, buttoned-down kind of guy who finds intimacy and spontaneity awkward. Can their love survive their crazy mismatched coupling?

Oh... hang on a moment, it turns out that's actually a photo of Gordon Smart meeting Nadine Coyle for a chat.

I bumped into her yesterday in London's Air Studios

What a strange coincidence - and just a few hours after Gordon published a story about how thin Coyle looks these days. Just happened to bump into her, with a photographer alongside him.

Gordon, of course, doesn't really understand all this obsession with weight:

I'm a fella writing a column and I find the obsession with female celebs' weight a bit odd.

Really, Gordon?

Except when it comes to Colin Farrell, presumably:

COLIN FARRELL looks like a man who has been hanging around with AMY WINEHOUSE.

Colin was snapped after a dip in Malibu, showing off the body of a man who hasn't had a sniff of Guinness in months.

Or when reporting on a song telling Keira Knightley she's too thin:

The lyrics go: "Keira, Keira, eat your dinner. Keira, Keira, you can't get much thinner. Go to a restaurant with Michael Winner. Keira, Keira, eat your dinner."

Brilliant.

I can't imagine weight-conscious Keira will be too pleased with the tune though.

It might even put her off her dinner.

To see if you agree with Jilted see more pics of Keira in our slideshow.

And, naturally, if it'a about Amy Winehouse, well, you'd have to chip in:

AN emaciated AMY WINEHOUSE partied in London last night in scenes that have become worringly familiar for the skinny star.

And, obviously, you can't write about James Corden without mentioning it:

EDDIE LARGE, LES DAWSON and RONNIE BARKER are comedy giants in every sense of the word.

Big guys with huge personalities who got to the very top.

The latest in this noble line of plus-size funnymen to find fame is Bizarre Award winner JAMES CORDEN.

But alarming news reaches me - the cuddly comic may not stay tubby much longer.

For a man who doesn't understand the obsession with weight, he seems to write about it a hell of a lot. Perhaps he doesn't really like Kasabian, either.

Still - despite not really understanding the obsession - Gordon carried out his fearless investigation into Nadine's body shape:

To give the size of her legs some scale I put my thigh next to hers. Nadine is tiny but she didn't look unhealthily skinny.

That might just sound like a chance to rub your thigh on a pretty woman's leg, but actually - since the body mass index was revealed to be flawed - comparing your leg with a model of Gordon Smart's has become a recognised medical test.

Naturally, Gordon didn't spend all his time wondering if he should suggest comparing chest sizes, but the Ashley Cole part of the conversation was so groundbreaking, it requires its own URL:

[T]he Girls Aloud star insisted she would blank love rat ASHLEY COLE if he walked into the studios where we were chatting.

She said: "I'd just sit here and say nothing."

Woman not prepared to tolerate mate's cheating ex. Front pages, surprisingly, unheld.

Gordon in the morning: Predictive text

You'd have thought that News International might want to make it not sound quite so much like they're eavesdropping on phone calls, what with their track record and all.

Sean Hamilton, writing for Gordon, nevertheless seems surprisingly intimate with the calls of the Coles:

BETRAYED Cheryl Cole has ended her marriage by TEXT - telling love-rat husband Ashley: "Move out. It's over."

She did a pay a solicitor £115 an hour to write that text for her, though. Probably.

Meanwhile, Ashley has been on the phone to "pretty Ann", who is somehow involved in the sorry tale:

He sobbed down the phone, telling her: "I can't lose my wife over this. If I lose my wife, I don't want to live."

"... I don't want to live in a bedsit in Tulse Hill, which I understand is what happens to newly-divorced men."

It must be handy for the Coles having all their communications stored and searched and shared around like this - ordinary people have to sign up with Google to get that sort of service.

It all means The Sun can go back into the 'told you so' mode it was enjoying so much the last time this happened:

We first exposed Cole in January 2008, after he bedded hairdresser Aimee Walton, 22.

Two weeks ago we told how he sent raunchy snaps of himself to glamour girl Sonia Wild, 28.

Of course, we were happy to run stories saying it was all happiness again between these times, but let's forget that bit, shall we?

Gordon in the morning: Staring hard at Cheryl Cole's ring

Richard White picks up the Bizarre baton for dealing with the minutiae of Cheryl Cole's life, and reports on her flying to LA:

BETRAYED Cheryl Cole jetted to Los Angeles last night - after swapping her wedding ring for a DECOY.

Yes, she went through Heathrow wearing a fake duck on her wedding ring.

Oh... apparently not:

She wore an enormous gold ring as she arrived at Heathrow yesterday, suggesting she was ready to forgive cheating hubby Ashley.

But the rock was NOT from her wedding - or even the second gem the footballer bought her in 2008.

To you or I, this might sound like she was wearing a different ring; to a hack from The Sun, it's a decoy.

We should call in an expert opinion, don't you think, Richard?

And one family friend said: "Cheryl's most treasured possession is her diamond wedding ring.

"She is refusing to wear it.

"The fact she has replaced it with a decoy is a big two fingers up to Ashley.

"To onlookers it looks like she's a married woman - but to Ashley it's a clear sign that she feels their relationship is in big, big trouble."

Yes, it'll fool outsiders. Except journalists, anyone who has ever bought a copy of OK!, anyone who reads people who spend their lives watching Cheryl Cole - in other words, anyone who might even give half a hoot.

If it was supposed to be a decoy, it's a bloody awful one.

While his people are stood staring at Cheryl Cole, Gordon busily mops up backstage at the Brits. And already the question is 'how can next year's be even worse than this years?' Here's one idea:

JAMES CORDEN wants a crack at hosting the Brits on his own next year - to try and better PETER KAY's effort on Tuesday.

To be fair, even James Corden could probably better Kay's effort. Although Kay was probably only about as bad as the previous hosts. Who was that again?

The Gavin & Stacey star had a go last year with MAT HORNE and KYLIE MINOGUE - but believes he can do better flying solo.

Ah, yes. Horne and Corden stank the Earls' Court up in 2009. But it turns out it was Horne holding Corden back - and not the lack of talent and rotting-cabbage of a script.

Meanwhile, it's interesting to see that even Gordon seems to have tired a little of Liam Gallagher's antics. While honking with delight at Kasabian and Noel's aftershow party (they drinked vodkas with Freddie Flintoff), he's less than impressed with what Liam did next:

IT looks like Brits host PETER KAY was spot on.

LIAM "Knobhead" GALLAGHER was thrown out of the backstage VIP bar minutes after making a fool of himself on stage.

Yes, it turns out his tiresome behaviour continued after he'd shambled offstage, pushing over a woman who had been painted silver to look like a Brit award. Another model intervened - he was spray painted gold (there's enough money sloshing about the music industry to pay people to humiliate themselves for the enjoyment of the rich, it turns out).

Liam faced a hard-hitting interview with Nicole Appleton on ITV2 shortly afterwards. Yes, one of All Saints, who you happen to be married to, on ITV2. It's hardly Face To Face, is it?

But even his wife wanted to know why he was attacking the hired help:

"I have been silvered before. I have been pushed over. But I got up and f****** carried on. He is sitting there going, 'Hey, you pushed my bird over!'

This might make a bit more sense if (a) Liam wasn't trying to justify attacking a woman and (b) we hadn't all seen the footage of the guy pushing Noel over and Liam running off to hide.

Liam has also been pushing buttons on his My First Computer to tweet about Kay calling him a dickhead:

"Listen up fat fuck. As a real northerner I was brought up to say shit to people's faces, not behind their back."

Liam, he didn't say it behind your back. He said it into a microphone, broadcast to the room you were standing in and six million people on TV. Perhaps you're such a "real notherner" (i.e. tiresome caricature) you don't understand how electricity works?

Gordon in the morning: A record of sorts

Sun single breaks charity record

Well, yes, although (as we observed last week) not quite the record they were originally aiming at:

THE Sun's Helping Haiti single sold 350,000 copies in just FOUR DAYS - becoming the fastest-selling charity single of the millennium.

That's very careful wording indeed. Not biggest selling, not even biggest selling charity single, but fastest-selling charity single in the last ten years.

Obviously, it's put about a third of a million quid in the pot for Haiti, and so it's not a bad thing, and it's selling alright. But even with the combined weight of The Sun, ITV, Simon Cowell and Gordon Brown behind it, it's been something of a stutter. You can't help wondering if all those rich people involved, with all that time, and all that coverage, could not have come up with something a little more imaginative than yet another charity sing-along.

Still: selling a bit faster than the X Factor single for Great Ormond Street. There's always a positive angle.

Back in Gordon's normal realm, and - after a spell where he seemed quite happy with their sticking together - Gordon's returned to last year's attempts to persuade Cheryl Cole to liquidate her contract with Ashley. Today, he's using the rest of Girls Aloud as sock puppets:

A close friend of the group said: "As far as they're concerned Ashley is holding Cheryl back. He doesn't deserve her and she doesn't deserve any of this worry."

Gordon! Are you calling yourself a close friend of the group now?

Valentine's Day love advice to Cheryl Cole

Hello Cheryl. Just a hint: Telling Ashley Cole that he doesn't have to go and sit in a chilly Earls Court for hours watching Peter Kay introduce the cast of Hollyoaks to present an award to Pixie Lott is rewarding bad behaviour.

In what way is the phrase "that's it, you're not going to Earls' Court now" ever going to be a punishment?

Gordon in the morning: Pool feed

Interesting. Gordon returns once more to the Cole-Tweedy marriage, running a photo of Ashley Cole rubbing his eyes in a swimming pool.

To the casual observer, this looks like a bloke rubbing his eyes after swimming. But to Gordon, where everything is about one thing, it's bubbling with subtexts:

IT LOOKS like CHERYL COLE has finally got husband ASHLEY trained.

He was relaxing in the hotel pool ahead of the Chelsea v Inter Milan friendly in Pasadena, California, when two girls swam by for a chat.

He managed to cover his eyes with his hands to avoid looking at their bikini-clad bods - but maybe he was still taking a cheeky peek.

So not only has he managed to take a snapshot and put a whole different context on it, but he's loaded on a second possible context as well. Go, Gordon Smart.

Elsewhere, Gordon is applauding the Pussycat Dolls:

THE PUSSYCAT DOLLS have gone up in my estimation after racking up an £18,000 bar bill on a night out in London.

The Sun can never work out where it stands on alcohol, can it? The Pussycat Dolls piss away eighteen grand, and it's up in their estimation. If you're not famous, though, drinking too much is shameful and part of Britain being all broken.

Gordon in the morning: Trolleyed

I've tried to work it out, but can't really see why a photo of Cheryl Cole wearing a summer dress at an airport has earned this headline:

Cheryl's a trolley dolly

Okay, it's a babydoll dress, and... she's at an airport where you might have to put your suitcase on a trolley? Is she meant to look like an air steward? If you look closely at the picture, does she have tiny, tiny wheels she's moving about on?

Gordon adds a note or two:

Hubby ASHLEY arrives later in the week for a pre-season tour with Chelsea.

Seeing this picture of his wife looking so hot so many miles away is not going to make the wait go any quicker for the footballing fella.

But isn't Ashley a foul, should-be-dumped, playing-away beast, Gordon? All of a sudden he's sat in a hotel room, wailing over a photo of his wife rolling about on a tiny foot-installed trolley?

Gordon's also got the new Lily Allen promo video:

LILY ALLEN looks typically sloshed in the new video for her single 22.

Peering into a nightclub mirror with her make-up smeared and hair ruffled, the singer looks like she's enjoyed one of her now-trademark booze benders.

This, apparently, is something worth seeing. Despite Gordon's review of her T in The Park set which, erm, stifled a yawn at seeing Allen apparently having enjoyed one of her trademark booze benders.

Gordon in the morning: Perhaps time to move on from Ronaldo?

Gordon runs another piece by Pete Samson stressing just how not-gay Ronaldo is, while an accompanying piece suggests that Gordon's mockery might not only have had a nasty taint of homophobia, but were also out of step with public opinion by a good distance:

RONALDO'S tight shorts and smooth body have sparked a copycat rush.

High street stores are reporting a surge in demand for skimpy pants and hair-removal cream.

Debenhams have had to order thousands more figure-hugging trunks.

Still, until Kasabian start dressing like that, Gordon won't be joining in.

As if that wasn't enough for Gordon to cope with, he also runs a piece on how Ashley Cole is showering gifts on Cheryl Cole:

To think, only 18 months ago the couple were on the rocks.

Lured by a certain gossip columnist stood on the cliffs with lights.

Gordon in the morning: He loves a happy ending, does Gordon

What can a headline like this possibly mean?

Dubai do again

Dubai do... doobedoo... has Dubai now got so much money it's cloned Frank Sinatra and will make him sing Strangers In The Night over the airport tannoy?

SOCCER ace Ashley Cole wants to whisk wife CHERYL back to Dubai to renew their wedding vows, The Sun can reveal.

He has been secretly plotting a romantic break with her this summer after the football season.

Oh.

Still, Gordon is carried away with the romance of it all:

The millionaire footballer — on international duty against Ukraine last night — is shopping for an expensive ring to present to Girls Aloud singer Cheryl in the swish Al Mahra resort.

Oh, bless.

England and Chelsea defender Cole, 28, plans to take X Factor judge Cheryl, 25, to the spot in the desert where he proposed in 2005.

Oh, how beautiful.

And he hopes the trip will draw a line under the one-night stand he had with hairdresser Aimee Walton, 23, which nearly destroyed his marriage last year.

Ah yes. Now... refresh my memory, Gordon: who was it who helped almost destroy the marriage in the first place?

Back, for example, on February 19th 2008?

Cheryl has pondered how to deal with the scumbag Premier League numbnuts during a luxury hol in Thailand. [...]
Chezza, you’re a beautiful, successful woman, send Ashley packing.

I’ve a drawer full of phone numbers from lads around the country offering you a shoulder to cry on ...

And then there was the Bizarre-branded stuff from Richard White on February 1st:

DEVASTATED CHERYL COLE has been told she could land a £4million payout by divorcing her cheating hubby ASHLEY.

In fact, where did the whole story start in the first place? Wasn't it a big exclusive reveal by The Sun?

Still, it's heartwarming to see that having done its best to turn admittedly bad behaviour into a bitter divorce, the Sun and the Bizarre team are now equally happy to claim exclusives on the rapprochement.

And they're serious about it: This is the second time in six months Gordon's pages have run a story claiming the pair are about to renew their vows.

More dreadful coverage of Madonna childscoop '09 from Gordon's person in Malawi, Virgina Wheeler this morning. Wheeler effectively decides to drop the idea of reporting in favour of running Madonna's side without question:

MADONNA last night slammed critics of her plans to adopt a second African orphan — insisting that her intentions are “totally heartfelt”.

The singer’s spokeswoman told how Madge had an “instant and profound” connection with MERCY JAMES the moment she first met her more than a year ago.

A journalist might wonder how, if the connection was so profound, Madonna didn't choose to spend more time with Mercy - at least while the adoption was being processed. In keeping with the usual Malawian practice, in fact, for overseas adoption.

Some human rights groups accused Madonna, 50, of using her cash to “bulldoze” the process in Malawi.

But her statement insisted she had “not skirted any legal issues”.

The adoption of four-year-old Mercy is set to be rubber-stamped tomorrow by a court in capital Lilongwe.

A journalist might have paused for a moment, and wondered how a court can be "rubber-stamping" a decision if "legal issues" are not being "skirted".

Madonna’s lawyer Alan Chinula told The Sun: “There is no existing law that can stop this adoption now.”

A journalist might have asked, at the very least, about the rules of the African Union - of which Malawi is a member - which suggests that overseas adoption of children should be a last resort.

The headline?

Madge: I loved my Mercy at first sight

A journalist might ask if there is a difference between loving someone, and adopting them, ripping them from their family and home, and thrusting them into the glare of the international media.

And shouldn't the "my" be in quote marks?

Gordon in the morning: Handing out hugs and blankets to the shocked masses

Gordon, of course, has coverage of the Razorlight split. And there's only one way to sum up the split of a British band shortly before a gig in Cheshire:

Trouble in America...

In order to stack up the headline, the made-up, sorry, unnamed source places the argument that "brought things to a head" between Borrell and Burrows as happening "during a recent trip to America". Although if that was true, you might wonder why Burrows didn't quit there and then.

Elsewhere, Kylie Minogue is getting a stupid sum of money for recording a single track for a Bollywood film - three quarters of a million quid, apparently. Now, I've been keeping up with the news - we're meant to gather and boo when people get paid money completely out of proportion to their work they do and the value they generate, right? C'mon Gordon - let's boo Kylie, shall we?

And as she chats to star AKSHAY KUMAR between filming she looks worth every penny.

Oh. Are you suggesting that Fred Goodwin could have avoided all that bad press if he'd just been a bit prettier?

It's perhaps fortunate that Gordon Smart isn't up a mountain with Cheryl Cole - can you imagine how thin the atmosphere at the top of Kilimanjaro would be if Smart was having to follow up the story about Ashley Cole's latest bit of bother? Especially given that it turns out his arrest-attracting rage was sparked by someone taking photos for The Sun in the first place?

For the paper, Andy Crick and Philip Case are covering the "story", and they do have quite a scoop:

Cole, who earns £82,000 a week, plonked himself on a bar stool. Then as Chelsea skipper Terry and Mancienne mingled, he knocked back a bottle of Japanese Asahi lager.

He clutched a wad of £20 notes as he ordered a round of drinks — and began chatting to a blonde clubber wearing a shiny blue mini-dress and a string of white pearls.

Sadly, the paper's two writers fail to mention if Cole had been wearing the mini-dress when he was drinking the lager, or if he'd nipped off to change.

Still, nobody would be as cheap as to try and get mileage out of his wife being off doing good works, would they?

Fundraiser v hellraiser

It truly is a dichotomy. It's almost impossible to imagine Cheryl Cole ever being in a violent outburst at a nightclub.

Gordon in the morning: Also available in glossy

Unbelievably, Bizarre has carved a second day's lead story by simply copying stuff out the new edition of Vogue.

Gordon's team are still working on recycling the Cheryl Cole interview, but it's possible that by tomorrow Gordon will be working up a think piece around David Bailey's Women In Uniform photo feature.

Today, Cole's surprising hump that Victoria Beckham didn't send a muffin basket when Ashley was cheating on her is the focus of the ctrl+v article - for some reason, Cole seems to think that Beckham was expected to rush to comfort her because:

“She was in my hotel room during the World Cup — we’ve had barbecues together. So I was quite shocked by that.

“I mean, DAVID’s mum is friends with Ashley’s mum.”

Right. So you'd shared a badly-cooked hot dog and a squirt of French's mustard, and you thought that was the basis for marriage counseling - despite, erm, the family being closer to your errant husband than to you? You don't think that even if Beckham was in any way connected to you, she might have concluded that - given the mother's positions - it was wiser to keep out of it?

Cheryl Cole: That sort of exclusive

Oh, fiddlesticks, eh, Gordon? The Mail has also got 'an interview we read in Vogue' story this morning. Still, it's 33% exclusive, right?