Cheryl upset at people calling her Cheryl

You know what makes Cheryl Fernandez-Versini angry? Apart from low-paid toilet attendants?

It's people not using her surname. Ooh, that makes her livid:

The X Factor judge changed her surname from Cole when she married Jean Bernard in a secret ceremony in the summer and she told Marie Claire magazine that making the change felt like the right thing to do.

"It's come quite naturally, you know", she said of getting used to her new name.

But the 31-year-old added: "People are so ignorant about it, they just start calling us Cheryl, but I'll take that, whatever."

Why would people be so ignorant? Why? Why?

It's not like you told them it'd be okay, is it?

Except when you said it was okay:

But only weeks after their wedding the pop beauty wants to be known only by her first name.

She said: “It’s just Cheryl because everyone seems to be having a hard time saying it.”

Or, indeed, when you dropped surnames altogether back in 2012, having assumed you had reached Madonna/Gandi one-name status:

The singer is reportedly dropping the name Cole - and like the music world's biggest stars, will simply be known by her first name - Cheryl.

It's hard to imagine how people could just call you Cheryl, what with you trying to use that as your personal brand and all. How ignorant people can be, eh?

Gucci Mane changes name, changes back

Gucci Mane is changing his name:

"I'm officially changing my rap name to Guwop and retiring the great Gucci Mane," he wrote according to Buzzfeed. "Thanks fans, for eight years as Gucci now it's Wop turn."

Guwop. Really?

Luckily, his fans were able to laugh in his stupid face:

"Im not gonna call you Guwop dumbass, just so you know," wrote @iStoleFreeHugs, while @fivefifths simply responded: "Shut the fuck up son"

It's hard to believe that people who are happy to call someone Gucci Mane might think that any other name could be considered risible, but there are.

After thirty minutes of being treated to an indication of just how risible the ill-chosen name of Guwop is, Mr Mane reverted to his original stupid assumed name.

If I was him, I'd have gone with Radric Davis, his actual name.

Neptune Theatre to lose name, become part of Liverpool Beatles Theme Park

News from the further enBeatlefication of Liverpool. The Neptune Theatre, which has been The Neptune since 1967 as a tribute to the city's seafaring past, is finally getting refitted. But as part of the refittings, it's going to become The Epstein Theatre.

A Beatles reference? How surprising. It's further evidence that the city has long since moved on from the days when it insisted there was more to the place than just the moptops; nowadays - providing it doesn't get in the way of knocking down housing like Ringo's old gaff - it seems that there's little else to Merseyside.

To be fair, Epstein did work for Cranes in the building when the company operated both the theatre and a shop underneath, so there is a link.

But it's not really about honouring Epstein; as Joe Anderson, Liverpool Council Leader, makes clear, it's just about offering an extra stop to shake down unsuspecting tourists:

"For our Beatles industry this development means Liverpool has a new attraction and a new story to tell and for the city we will soon have a new theatre with a world famous name which will hopefully make it a commercially more attractive business to market and operate."

The bit about 'the Beatles industry' makes a sad-eyed sort of sense - oh, imagine if Ringo's house hadn't been in the way of lucrative development land - but anyone who believes that calling a building Epstein rather than Neptune is going to make it any easier to operate a theatre is, frankly, deluded.

Alan Williams was unavailable for comment. Plans to rename Merseyside Lennonside are currently before the regional government.

[Thanks to James M for the link]

Gordon in the morning: Turner the Coles

Clearly, given the way Gordon suddenly stopped referring to Cheryl as Tweedy and reverted to Cole a couple of weeks ago, it's not actually news to him that Cheryl Cole has decided to remain branded with Ashley's name, but he pretends like it's breaking this morning.

X Factor judge Cheryl says her move was inspired by chart legend TINA TURNER, 70, who kept husband and bandmate Ike's name after their 1976 divorce.

Apparently, she's afraid people might get confused:

a source said: "Cheryl has decided her married name will stay. She feels the most successful period of her career has been under the name Cole.

"She's established in Europe. Going back to her maiden name Tweedy would be confusing.

"It also shows she is bigger than Ashley and prepared to be grown up about a difficult time in her life. She is a fan of Tina Turner. Tina was divorced during her career but decided to stick with her married name because it was how she was best known."

It's a nice little explanation, although I suspect it's a decision taken by someone in an office rather than by Tweedy herself. Cole herself.

Why would keep your ex-husband's name to show you're "bigger" than Ashley? Does that make any sense? Should Ashley now change his name to Tweedy to show he was just as big as Cheryl?

She better hope he doesn't insist on a licensing fee.

Stop tittering, The Ting Tings

Like someone finding a street called 'Willy Road' and sending a photo to Your Crazy Signs in the Sunday People, The Ting Tings are naming their album after an awning outside a massage parlour:

Katie White and Jules De Martino's next effort, which they have been recording in Berlin, is set for release later this year – with the pair telling NME.COM that the title was inspired by a massage parlour near their studio.

The parlour was called Massage Kunst, and so the album is going to be called Kunst.

"Just round the corner to our studio there's a massage parlour, it's called Massage Kunst," De Martino explained. "It's Massage Art, basically. We took a picture of that and sent it to our label, saying this is the title of the album. They went berserk."

The label's cow probably came from the name sounding like a bad word for a good thing, but perhaps they were also a bit worried about how it would sound to the German market, calling your album 'art'. Doesn't really do much to blow away that sense of pretension that some reckon they can smell on the Ting Tings' breath, does it?

There's also the problem that Laibach have been using Kunst for years, and as part of a much wider, more challenging philosophical approach to art. Calling a Ting Tings album by the same name is a little like Joe McElderry calling a record Kid A.

Ziggy Stardust and the spider from... Malaysia

I suppose if you want to draw attention to a rare, endangered spider naming it after David Bowie isn't the worst thing you could do:

The Heteropoda davidbowie is distinguished by its large size and yellow hair, and is only found in parts of Malaysia.

Bowie was apparently selected for the honour because of his musical contribution to arachnid world – the 1972 concept album The Rise and Fall of Ziggy Stardust and the Spiders from Mars.

Trouble is, if you're talking about Bowie and rarely-seen spiders hanging by a thread, aren't you more likely to conjure memories of the ill-fated Glass Spider tour?

Peter Jäger, the German spider expert who discovered the Heteropoda davidbowie, said that naming spiders after celebrities helped draw attention to the marginal status of many species as human activity destroys their habitats.

There's something a little crushing about that, isn't there? That the survival of entire species depends on getting just a little of the glamour and attention generated by Jordan arriving at a shoeshop?

Keef grief

It appears that Keith Richards used to hate being called Keith Richards, as it didn't live up to his expectations:

"It made me sick – my name's Keith Richards," he said. "It hardly makes it against Howlin' Wolf or Muddy Waters, does it?

Presumably Keith knows that Mr. Wolf and Mr. Waters weren't actually known by those names to their mums, right? Surely Keith didn't sit about cursing his luck that he was born to the Richards family rather than the Fox clan?

It seems, yes, as he did try to rebrand himself:

On my first guitar I had Boy Blue written – just pathetic. But that was as good as I got at the time.

Ah yes. Looking to channel the great Mississippi bluesmen, Keith Richards tried to get himself passed off as a gay jazz mag.

Still, it would have all made for a wonderful Aviva advert - a shot of Keith being cheered back when he had internal organs, with modern Keith digitally inserted: "Would any of this happened if I'd been called Keith Richards... oh, actually, it did, didn't it? Bugger."

Santogold name devalued

There are two Santogolds, you know. Or there were - there was Santogold, who you've probably read about. And Santo Gold, Santo Rigatuso, who was less successful but had been using the name for longer.

Santo Gold was sore about his name being used, sort of, by someone else, and had issued legal and musical challenges to the space-less Santogold. With me so far?

Well, now, Santogold has backed down, and has re-christened herself Santigold. Which is, frankly, a much worse name; it's a bit like she asked a five year-old what she should be called and got "you oughtta be called what you is, miss santy-gold" in reply.

Also, if Santo Gold believes that Santogold is too close to Santo Gold for comfort, wouldn't Santo Gold be equally close to Santigold anyway?

Still. Santogold is now Santigold, Santo Gold remains Santo Gold, and Aviva is the new name for Norwich Union. If you have any colour supplements from the last twelve months, a junior member of staff from their music desk will call at your house with stickers to change the names in your back issue.

Well, she was conceived after Cerys did her News Of The World bra and panties shoot, so...

Cerys Matthews is being credited - in part - for a resurgence in more traditional names for children in Wales. This is apparently a trend away from 'celebrity' names, although quite how naming your kid off the woman on I'm A Celebrity fits with that isn't explained.

Belfast Telegraph journalists spoil Snow Patrol's surprises

It's a harsh world. As if knifings, territorial wars, Piers Morgan and disease aren't bad enough, Snow Patrol are now having the name of their new album revealed against their wills. Lost In The Showbiz publishes a letter from their PR team - or, rather, a statement from Gary:

"Hello everyone
Well, in this world of instant coffee, news, messaging and everything else
is was bound to happen. In an interview with the Belfast Telegraph we let slip the working title of the album then said not to print it until we had finalised it with each other (and put it on this very site). Those words were not heeded and they printed it anyway.

We’re sorry you didn’t hear it from us first but the album is indeed called 'a hundred million suns’. We will endeavour to make you guys the first to hear about everything else. It’s becoming increasingly hard but we’ll do our best.

Lots of apologetic love to you all. Gary.x"

Oh, my. How heartbreaking to think that the news of what the new Snow Patrol album will be called should slip out, rather than being subject to a proper announcement. We're given to understand that the band had planned to reveal the title in a remake of that time Thatcher flogged off BP and they had the abseilers uncover a massive board with the share price on. Clearly, Gary wanted to be able to see the slightly underwhelmed reaction when the world - as a whole - gathered to discover the name of the follow-up to whatever the last one was called.

And all because, erm, they told a journalist. Who probably wrote it down in a book. You just can't trust 'em, can you?

No, Mr. DMX - if that's your real name...

DMX has never really been out of trouble since they started turning up dog corpses at his house, so let's say he's added another garnish of trouble to an already groaning trouble platter. He's been accused of getting hospital treatment under a false name - not his ridiculous stage name, but a third name - Troy Jones - rather than his real name - Earl Simmons.

Given that he's well-known, and can't bend over to pick up the newspaper with the local prosecutor launching a probe, how did he think that would be a good idea?

The artist formerly known as...

Yes, Puff Daddy has changed his name again: he now wants to be known as Sean John, thereby becoming the first person ever to name themselves after their brand of perfume, instead of the other way round.

"... and Cannibal Corpse for the middle names..."

Michael and Karolina Tomaro are desperate to name their six month-old child Metallica. The Swedish authorities are trying to spare the child.

The Tomaros are fighting back. Apparently, the child has already been baptised Metallica - god, presumably alone, knows how they snuck that one past the priest - but the Swedish tax authorities are refusing to open records in the name. Her mother is determined:

"It suits her," Karolina Tomaro, 27, said Tuesday of the name. "She's decisive and she knows what she wants."

Actually, she's six months old, which makes it a little tricky to suggest she's "decisive" and, while she may know what she wants, it's going to be a combination of empty headed screeching, drinking, shitting and sleeping.

Oh. Metallica does suit her after all.