Gordon in the morning: The other Cameron

Hey! Do you run a showbusyness gossiping column in a national newspaper? Do you struggle to fill it with people that your readers might have heard of, or care about? You do?

Here's a hint: when you do get a story that doesn't draw its cast of characters from runners-up on reality shows and children of people who once were famous, you might not want to draw attention to how thin your offering usually is by slapping a headline like this on it:

Cameron’s A-list love triangle

Diaz, by the way, not Dave.

Actually, given that it includes Jude Law, even then this story isn't really about a-listers.

And what on earth was going through the heads of whoever did the metadata for the story?

Yes, it does say "Cameron Diaz on sexcret London dates". A slip of the finger? A desperate attempt to cram the word "sex" into the URL?

Elsewhere, Ronaldao is musing on music:

He said: "Liverpool have The Beatles and Manchester have Oasis. I think we (Manchester) have the better band."

Isn't that like thinking Mike Yarwood's Steptoe impression is better than Harry H Corbett?

Gordon in the morning: Revisiting a bad idea

I think everyone had assumed that Gordon Smart had quietly dropped his vaguely homophobic tent-based scoring "guydar", but, oh no: It's back today. Apparently, somehow, having implied sex with Paris Hilton triggers 80% on Gordon's pink triangle scoring system. Somehow.

Still, all credit to Gordon for pushing forward with the sort of idea that lesser men would have dropped long before it ever reached the newspaper.

Meanwhile, well done to Virginia Wheeler and the entire Bizarre team for running a long lens photo of Mercy James as she arrived in London. I suppose if Malawian officials have decided that adoption law doesn't apply to the child, it's not surprising that Gordon and his gang have decided that the Press Complaints Commission ban on running photos of children without very good reason somehow isn't in action, either.

Wheeler shows how well she's kept up with the story she was sent by the Sun to cover:

WIDE-eyed Malawian orphan Mercy James gazes at the hustle and bustle of London yesterday...

To be fair, the first word is right, Mercy was wide-eyed. And, yes, she was Malawian.

But wasn't it established quite swiftly that, having a father who actually wanted to keep her with her family, Mercy wasn't actually an orphan?

Gordon in the morning: Perhaps time to move on from Ronaldo?

Gordon runs another piece by Pete Samson stressing just how not-gay Ronaldo is, while an accompanying piece suggests that Gordon's mockery might not only have had a nasty taint of homophobia, but were also out of step with public opinion by a good distance:

RONALDO'S tight shorts and smooth body have sparked a copycat rush.

High street stores are reporting a surge in demand for skimpy pants and hair-removal cream.

Debenhams have had to order thousands more figure-hugging trunks.

Still, until Kasabian start dressing like that, Gordon won't be joining in.

As if that wasn't enough for Gordon to cope with, he also runs a piece on how Ashley Cole is showering gifts on Cheryl Cole:

To think, only 18 months ago the couple were on the rocks.

Lured by a certain gossip columnist stood on the cliffs with lights.

Gordon in the morning: What happens when everyone's off at Rebekah Wade's wedding

Keith Richards signs autographs for gondoliers. Not much of a story. Can you dress it up with a clever headline?

Just one cornet-Stone, Keef it to me

No. It turns out, no.

Don't even try and parse the headline. It only seems more painful the more you think about it.

If running the weak 'Ronaldo and Paris Hilton' story was a way of trying to atone for the awful 'camp' error of last week, it looks like The Sun still has some making up to do:

CRISTIANO RONALDO enjoyed a weekend on the lash in Las Vegas with a bevy of beauties.

The footballer sipped cocktails at the gambling mecca's top nightclubs - and had his pick of the mini-skirted babes.

Again, this piece by Pete Samson still neglects to include Gordon's tent-o-meter device.

While suing for peace with Ronaldo, Gordon claims to be bringing peace in the disagreement between Yusuf Islam and Coldplay:

YUSAF ISLAM, formerly known as CAT STEVENS, has asked Bizarre to help him make peace with the band over his claims that they ripped off his epic 1970s track Foreigner Suite.

He's asked Bizarre to do that, has he?

He said: “I want them to know that I don’t have any ill will towards them.

“I stand by what I said. They did copy my song but I don’t think they did it on purpose.

“I can understand why they got so upset because they probably don’t even realise they have done it. It happens all the time.
Slapping

“I have even copied myself without knowing I have done it.

“I’ll write down what I think is a new melody and then listen back to it and realise it’s the same as something I have already done.

“It’s just one of those things and I don’t want them to think I’m angry with them.”

He added: “I’d love to sit down and have a cup of tea with them and let them know it’s ok."

Oddly, the paragraph where Islam grips Smart's arm and begs for assistance seems to have not made the final cut of the piece.

Gordon in the morning: You could have just said sorry

Yesterday, Gordon used time and money to snicker at how camp it was for Ronaldo to wear a cap.

I think even Gordon must have realised that he'd crossed a line, as today Bizarre suddenly lurches in the opposite direction, as Gordon's former deputy files Pete Samson a slightly different story:

CHAMPAGNE-swilling RONALDO celebrates his £80million transfer by sharing a raunchy night with PARIS HILTON.

The winking winger, 24, kissed and cuddled the 28- year-old socialite in a Hollywood club before they headed to her sister's home.

The scoring machine and Paris got down and dirty as they teamed up to celebrate the soccer ace's £80million transfer.

"I think we've gone a bit far with the suggestions that Ronaldo is gay, boss"
"Okay, let's run a piece that suggests he's having sex with a lady. Balance, innit."

Oddly, Gordon's gay-tent-o-meter or whatever it was meant to be seems to be out of action for this story.

Meanwhile, Gordon applauds Lily Allen for condemning the BNP:

Lil's album, It's Not Me, It's You, has a track called Fuck You which attacks racists, BNP politicians and homophobics.

People like Lily are role models. It's good to see her speaking out against these mugs.

Yes, it is brilliant. Although is Gordon entirely sure - as he waits for that Ronaldo piece to fall off the front of Bizarre - that he might not be one of the "mugs"?

Gordon in the morning: A row of tents

Ronaldo - a footballer - went out wearing a pink baseball cap yesterday. And why not? After all, it's 2009.

Oh. It turns out it's not 2009 in The Sun and Bizarre. It's still 1973. And around eight in the evening on midweek ITV style 1973 at that:

TODAY I unveil Bizarre’s How Camp Is CRISTIANO RONALDO Guy-ger Counter.

The level of campness is represented by pink tents – five being screaming DANNY LA RUE levels of flamboyance and one being your common-or-guyliner type effeminacy.

sjfgjdsg`yg - sorry, I'm finding it difficult to type with my face buried in my hands.

Guy-ger counter? Pink tents? Danny LaRue?

Oh, and if you miss the bubbling homophobia that is subtly bubbling away in the background on this one, the "pink tents" on the illustration of Gordon's Guy-ger counter actually just look like pink triangles.

I guess we should applaud Gordon's restraint at not calling it the gay-ger counter.

Still, at least we can be sure that Gordon isn't gay, what with the way he enjoys looking at a photo where you can make out the outline of Victoria Beckham's nipples. That's the polar opposite of wearing a pink cap.

Gordon in the morning: On me 'ead, son

There is one, undeniable truth in life, learned young, when pinching your brother's issues of Shoot and checking out the Focus On... column: footballers have rubbish taste in music.

Oh, sure: there are exceptions - Pat Nevin and... well, Pat Nevin. But, generally, most professional footballers' entire music taste could be catered for by the CD racks in a tolerably well-stocked branch of Asda.

This is known; and it has been known since the dawn of recorded time. Or at least since the introduction of the minimum wage.

It turns out, though, that it's news to Gordon Smart:

CRISTIANO RONALDO deserves a straight red card for some of the howlers in his CD collection.

What's he got, Gordon? Renee and Renato? Nothing but Stars On 45? George Sampson's record? (Okay, that last one is just ridiculous. Nobody bought that one.)

The Man United ace has all RICKY MARTIN’s albums and admits his top track by the Latin hip-swiveller is cheesy No1 single Livin’ La Vida Loca.

It's hardly that bad. For a footballer. Is it?

Ron says: “Ricky’s tunes are very catchy. Livin’ La Vida Loca is his most catchy by far and it is my most favourite.”

What a winker.

On the other hand, Gordon: You think Kasabian are brilliant. People who live in glass houses, with Kasabian on the CD player, shouldn't... well, they just shouldn't.

Elsewhere, here's Gordon's coverage (about three weeks after it was actually news) of the Beth Ditto doll:

BETH DITTO is more sumo wrestler than delicate Barbie.

But High Street store Evans have created a slimmed-down doll of THE GOSSIP singer to mark the launch of her plus-sized clothes range.

The image of her blubbery belly squeezed into a pair of Spanx at Radio 1’s Big Weekend is burned on my memory.

But the plastic version is altogether more pleasant.

Gordon Smart prefers unnatural doll to a real woman. Again, not exactly something you'd hold the front page for.

Gordon in the morning: Man might watch television

It's a creakingly quiet morning at Gordon's column this morning, with a vague muttering by a footballer that he might try and catch an episode of Coronation Street being shunted to the top of the pile:

AFTER six years living and playing football in Manchester, CRISTIANO RONALDO is finally catching the scent of Betty’s hotpot from Coronation Street.

The Man U ace has struggled to get his head around why Brits are so obsessed with the ITV1 soap.

Did nobody tell him that it's not so much an obsession, but the tabloids like to write about it when there's nothing much else to write about, which makes it look like an obsession?

But the Portuguese winger vowed: “I promise I will watch it next time it is on and I am home."

Yes, Gordon is reduced this morning to effectively reporting on someone circling programmes in the Radio Times. Coming tomorrow: Adele writes post-it note reminding her to set Sky+ to tape My Family.

Unbelievably, there's a lot on this important story:

He added: “I normally watch movies when I am relaxing at night, but if it really is that popular, I promise I will try and watch it the next time.”

I know, you're having trouble understanding these major developments. Luckily, Gordon has had an explanatory graphic produced:

It's not entirely clear why Ronaldo watching Corra would see him appear in the fictional pub at the heart of the series - perhaps Gordon imagines that's how it works if you have a very, very expensive television.

Ah, the caption explains it:

Winker's Return ... how Ronaldo might look in famous pub

Although if only he turned up in the middle of playing a match, and for some reason was staring into the top corner of the ceiling while ordering from a woman who'd be standing behind him.

Gordon's campaign to cover every outfit that ever leaves Lady GaGa uncovered continues today, although he doesn't seem to even know if he finds them sexy any more:

She is becoming a pantomime dame, this lass. So I’ve given her a Widow Twankey rating of four out of five for this get-up.

What does that actually mean?

And how does Gordon greet the Ivor Novello shortlist, and the nomination for The Leisure Society?

Ivor no idea who this Hemming is

UNKNOWN Nick Hemming battles it out with bands, like Elbow, for Ivor Novello awards.

It's encouraging that Gordon has discovered honesty and openness - but isn't it extraordinary that the self-appointed Prime Minister Of Pop has such a gap in his knowledge?

Gordon in the morning: Death and drink

Much of the online version of Bizarre is given over to Natasha Richardson this morning - for the third day running, though, the coverage is built on the "wife of the more famous Liam Neeson" platform, although the paper has also remembered there's a crucial Lindsay Lohan angle. If you relied on The Sun, you'd come away thinking "it's terrible about Liam Neeson's wife - and did you know she used to make the occasional light comedy in her own right back in the day?"

There's also room found for yet more coverage of the last days of Jade Goody. Indeed, with all this real death around, John Squire's artwork referring to descerating the grave of the Stone Roses isn't appearing in the happiest of contexts.

Elsewhere, it's business as usual. Apparently Lily Allen hasn't really given up drinking. And Amy Winehouse hasn't really given up drinking again. Last summer the Sun's leader column was insisting that parents should teach kids about responsible drinking, wasn't it? How would 'getting drunk and falling over makes you famous' fit in with that education aim, exactly?

Still, it's not all death and hangovers. Cristiano Ronaldo (who apparently plays football for a job) has decided he'd like to become a pop singer when he has to get a proper job.

Hang about - has he really, Gordon?

Ronaldo says: “Somebody mentioned to me a few years ago that it would be a great idea if myself, the Brazilian Ronaldo and Ronaldinho made a band called The Three Rs."

He went on: “I loved the idea, it was so funny. I’ll mention it to them when I retire, we might even have a No1.”

Ah - so it would be a joke, then. He's joking, Gordon.

He adds: “I don’t know what the other two would like to do but it would be brilliant if I was lead singer.

“You never know, I will have to do something after football.”

He's joking, Gordon. It's a... oh, what's the point?

Gordon in the morning: Look the other way

With Noel Gallagher making a knob of himself on Chris Moyles' show yesterday, obviously the Sun can't ignore the story. But if Bizarre points this out, how can Gordon hope to hang out with Liam backstage, perhaps as he comes off stage, all sweaty, with his shirt clinging to his body?

Solution: run the story, but put a "MusicBiz" banner on it, rather than the banner with Gordon's name on it.

He never stops believing, Noel. He never stops believing.

More bemusing is the prominence Gordon gives to a "gay icon" chart drawn up by an obscure gay dating site - even putting a hyperlink straight to the sign-up page. Especially since the chart - save for Ronaldo at number one - is reminiscent of that Laura Solon sketch where she attempts to bond with a gay waiter by listing gay things that she likes:

1. Cristiano Ronaldo
2. Kylie Minogue
3. Judy Garland
4. Elton John
5. Liza Minnelli
6. The Village People
7. David Beckham
8. George Michael
9. John Barrowman
10. Paul O’Grady

Number eleven would have been "you know what else is brilliant? Gay rights... for gays..."

Gordon in the morning: Hold the front

Gordon Smart clears space on his pages to bring the observation that the women Ronaldo dates have breasts.

It's a pity, as buried elsewhere he's got a rather good story: the Kaiser Chiefs offered a Cornwall pub a free gig.

The pub politely, but firmly, said they'd rather not have their guests disturbed.

You just have to hope they hadn't hidden Mark Ronson under the pool table, expecting him to come on and do a couple of songs as a surprise guest.

Gordon in the morning: People get drunk

Once again, the story judged most important for the Gordon column in the Sun proper - that Lily Allen has got drunk and is guesting on the new Kaiser Chiefs album - has been shunted aside to make room for less interesting stories on the online version. Namely that that Nereida Gallardo woman is wearing a ring, Wayne Rooney had a lot to drink and Mel B pushing push-up bras.

The Allen-Chiefs story is quite fascinating - with Mark Ronson also on board, this new Kaisers album is either going to be a zeitgeist-summarising document of our age, or else like some sort of end-of-the-pier package of medium-talents propping each other up.

Nereida's ring is, supposedly, important:

SOCCER star CRISTIANO RONALDO’s stunning girlfriend NEREIDA GALLARDO flashes off a diamond ring on her engagement finger fuelling rumours they are about to wed.

By "engagement finger" we think Gordon means ring finger. Rather than implying she's got six fingers with an extra 'engagement' one. We can't explain what he means by "flashing off" a ring, though.

Mel B flogging bras is, suggests Gordon,

her perfect calling in life.

Which is funny, because this job - hanging about at bra advertising launches and writing about the Spice Girls like it's 1999 is Gordon's perfect calling, too.

Everyone's happy. Well, apart from the people who have to read an extended advert dressed up as a news story.

Gordon in the morning: It's like the internet, printed out

We're not entirely sure if the latest Gordon stuff has been posted online, or we're looking at yesterday morning's "scoop", but when it's quality stuff like Ronaldo's girlfriend posting some stuff on the internet that someone appears to have read, and then passed on to Gordon, who can be sure?

Nereida, 24, used a webcam to talk to her internet “pals” — some of whom were total strangers.

Gasp! Imagine that. People who don't know each other communicating via the internet. Not, of course, like Gordon's readers - we're using that in the sense of people who look at the pictures - all of whom know him personally.

A fan who chatted with Nereida via the MSN Messenger web service said: “She was boasting they are getting married but haven’t set a date yet.

“She kept showing pictures of them together and going on about what a great wedding she is planning. She said she would make a beautiful bride.”

We're not sure of what the fan quoted is a fan - Ronaldo? Manchester United? "curvy model NEREIDA GALLARDO"? Perhaps Gordon himself. Indeed, it must be someone who knows Gordon, otherwise that would be him running a story sent to him by email from someone who was a total stranger.

Still, it's not all such high-powered investigation for Gordon. He's also looked at a photo of Victoria Beckham and identified her shoe colour. Pink, in case you were worrying.