Gordon in the morning: People get drunk

Once again, the story judged most important for the Gordon column in the Sun proper - that Lily Allen has got drunk and is guesting on the new Kaiser Chiefs album - has been shunted aside to make room for less interesting stories on the online version. Namely that that Nereida Gallardo woman is wearing a ring, Wayne Rooney had a lot to drink and Mel B pushing push-up bras.

The Allen-Chiefs story is quite fascinating - with Mark Ronson also on board, this new Kaisers album is either going to be a zeitgeist-summarising document of our age, or else like some sort of end-of-the-pier package of medium-talents propping each other up.

Nereida's ring is, supposedly, important:

SOCCER star CRISTIANO RONALDO’s stunning girlfriend NEREIDA GALLARDO flashes off a diamond ring on her engagement finger fuelling rumours they are about to wed.

By "engagement finger" we think Gordon means ring finger. Rather than implying she's got six fingers with an extra 'engagement' one. We can't explain what he means by "flashing off" a ring, though.

Mel B flogging bras is, suggests Gordon,

her perfect calling in life.

Which is funny, because this job - hanging about at bra advertising launches and writing about the Spice Girls like it's 1999 is Gordon's perfect calling, too.

Everyone's happy. Well, apart from the people who have to read an extended advert dressed up as a news story.

Gordon in the morning: It's like the internet, printed out

We're not entirely sure if the latest Gordon stuff has been posted online, or we're looking at yesterday morning's "scoop", but when it's quality stuff like Ronaldo's girlfriend posting some stuff on the internet that someone appears to have read, and then passed on to Gordon, who can be sure?

Nereida, 24, used a webcam to talk to her internet “pals” — some of whom were total strangers.

Gasp! Imagine that. People who don't know each other communicating via the internet. Not, of course, like Gordon's readers - we're using that in the sense of people who look at the pictures - all of whom know him personally.

A fan who chatted with Nereida via the MSN Messenger web service said: “She was boasting they are getting married but haven’t set a date yet.

“She kept showing pictures of them together and going on about what a great wedding she is planning. She said she would make a beautiful bride.”

We're not sure of what the fan quoted is a fan - Ronaldo? Manchester United? "curvy model NEREIDA GALLARDO"? Perhaps Gordon himself. Indeed, it must be someone who knows Gordon, otherwise that would be him running a story sent to him by email from someone who was a total stranger.

Still, it's not all such high-powered investigation for Gordon. He's also looked at a photo of Victoria Beckham and identified her shoe colour. Pink, in case you were worrying.

Gordon in the morning: It's all about the breasts

Poor Gordon. Pete Samson's not delivered him anything substantial for his column this morning, so he's reduced to getting Emily Smith to file something about the Miley Cyrus pictures you'll have read about yesterday and running topless photos of Nereida Gallardo, who apparently is going out with a footballer. Oh, and in the paper David Backham's Sesame Street appearance from last week. Presumably Gordon has some news about people you've heard of who are actually doing things now, but he'll be keeping those back for Wednesday.