Kylie Minogue discovers nobody on The Voice sells any records

Apparently Kylie has left Parlophone after Kiss Me Once struggled to sell more than 60,000 copies.

Or, possibly, Parlophone has left Kylie. For the same reason, though.

Boy George never dissed Madonna or Kylie. Not recently, anyway

Tetu, a French magazine, recently carried an interview with Boy George which included a quote from him saying, in effect, that he would never be like Madonna or Kylie, chasing every trend to keep hold of their positions in pop.

He never said anything like it though. And he's getting a cheque to prove it:

Kittens robbed by Kylie

Oh, the strange spikes in the road of history. What might have been, had Ferdinand taken a different route; had Hitler's paintings not been so shit; had Kylie not robbed Atomic Kitten.

You heard. She's a thief:

"I'll tell you what was going to be our song - Kylie's 'I Can't Get You Out of My Head'," Liz McClarnon told Digital Spy.

"Can you believe it? She robbed our song. She's a little robber."

Obviously, there's no sense in which the song was ever the Kitten's, any more than a potato you're looking at in Waitrose is yours before you pay for it.

And I think most independent viewers would judge Kylie taking that song out of the jaws of Kerry Katona was an act of rescue, rather than of theft.

The Voice: A quick observation

Kylie quits The Voice is the new 'Brucie quits Strictly'.

Supplementary: Nobody seems keen on running 'Ricky Wilson quits Voice; delivers blow to the BBC' stories.

Kylie, we need to talk

Back when we were nine or ten, we thought it was bloody hilarious to say "sexercises" - we'd wiggle our fingers and chant "sexercises, sexercises, we are doing our sexercises".

We had no idea what it all meant, but it was bloody hilarious.

When you were ten.

Hang on, here's a press release from Warner Brothers:

In what can only be described as the hottest workout video ever, Kylie introduces her fans to the hot and steamy world of "Sexercize."

Oh. But it's not just twitching fingers, is it?

If one video isn't enough to satisfy your cravings for the world's raunchiest workout, let your fingers do the walking to...

Oh, Kylie.

Coming later this year: Kylie launches viral video for new single Milk, Milk, Lemonade, Round the corner chocolate's made.

Kylie: Young woman had sex shock

The Daily Star is regurgitating already vomit-flecked stuff from The News Of The World ("The Sun On The Sunday") about Kylie.

It's shocking. Prepare to be shocked:

Kylie Minogue's girl-next-door image shattered by sex revelations in explosive new book

There was a period when Kylie was known as SexKylie, so this is the sort of shock right up there with discovering that cheese, for all its tasty solidity, was once milk.

The Star seems aware that this is a yawning chasm in their story, so try to rationalise why this might be a shock:

The pint-sized pop star, who is well-known for her innocent girl-next-door image, is said to have been naughty between the sheets long before her highly-publicised romance with Michael Hutchence, who is said to have "corrupted" her.

The "revelation" is simply that she had sex with someone, so the Star is hoping that 'woman had sex with someone before the boyfriend she met when she was 20' is some sort of surprise. (Apart from anything, surely this is going to generate another Jason Donovan lawsuit?)

It basically all boils down to a tatty book from a tatty little man, Sean Smith, who has got a tattier little man Paolo Marcolin to "tell-all". (It's a 'two teenagers having sex at a party' story - which, a quick search of Google will reveal, is a thing that has never happened anywhere else, at any point before or after.)

And how much weight should we give to Mr Macrolin's testimony?

"We lay on the floor. It was freezing but I had enough alcohol in me not to notice. I was really enjoying myself because Kylie was so nice," Paolo added.

So Marcolin was too drunk to notice it was freezing, and yet he noticed it was freezing.

Sean Smith - who, let's not rush to judge as some sort of grubby smut peddler, perhaps a man with stained trousers and smelly fingers - appears to have some sort of justification for trying to make money and headlines out of a fairly typical thing for a teenager to have done:

"For someone so careful about her private life, Kylie can be astonishingly indiscreet. It is as if, every so often, she gets the devil in her."

Even for a screaming moral vacuum, this is disingenuous. His own tale suggests that this isn't true - let's just look back at Paolo's quote:

"My hands were wandering a bit. Out of the blue, she said, 'Do you want to go somewhere even more private?' Of course I agreed. It sounded great to me.

"She had no idea where she was going but eventually took me to the opposite side of the house. There were a few people catching taxis, so we walked round the corner to be out of sight — or so I thought."
[...]
However, the pair soon realised that they were getting frisky in full view of the other party guests and headed to a small workshop underneath the house where they allegedly began having sex.

So, given that Kylie - without, at this stage, some sort of judging role on Saturday night TV to worry about - twice moved somewhere further out of public view hardly screams of indiscretion. Sean Smith seems to be saying that simply by having someone else present to have sex with Kylie's leaving herself open to having it discussed.

Perhaps Sean hasn't noticed, but it's Paolo who is being indiscreet. It might be a bit much to claim that Kylie had the devil in her, but she certainly seems to have made room for a bit of a Judas.

Stock, Aitken & Waterlogged: Hit Factory flooded out

The rain that has been falling has washed away the Hyde Park Hit Factory minifestival, carrying away with it the prospect of Jason Donovan reuniting with Kylie Minogue and - perhaps more significantly - the chance for Sonia to remind people that she used to exist.

Beyonce gets an honour

Grammys are fine, Brits are like Grammys but not quite as good, but surely no honour can be higher than that gifted to Beyonce: Having a horsefly named after her.

The fly probably drinks blood and so survives by sucking off horses. However, it has two similarities with Beyonce: it was discovered the year she was born, and... what was it, Bryan Lessard, that led you to the name?

He says he wanted to pay respect to the insect’s beauty by naming it Scaptia (Plinthina) beyonceae.

Lessard said Beyonce would be “in the nature history books forever” and that the fly now bearing her name is “pretty bootylicious” with its golden backside.

Hang about - an Australian fly with a distinctive golden arse?

Someone's going to be angry as hell...

Kylie: Jakarta off? No, she just started late

Kylie's no fool. She knows the traffic in Jakarta is a nightmare, so she arranged to arrive at her gig there by helicopter.

Unfortunately, nobody thought to chopper in the crew, and so the gig still wound up starting half an hour late by the time they'd made it through the gridlock.

Gordon in the morning: News in brief shorts

Kylie Minogue has kicked off her Aphrodite Les Folies world tour. But, of course, there's only one thing on Gordon's mind:

KYLIE MINOGUE donned hotpants for her return to live touring – six years after vowing she would never again wear skimpy shorts.

The Aussie singer, 42, danced in a denim version of the gold pair that made her bottom a sensation back in 2000.

What did she play? Were there new songs? How was her voice?

Ah, that Gordon cannot say. But he does know this:

And on stage in Hernig, Denmark, on Saturday night Kylie was still as toned as when she chose the look for her Spinning Around video.

What a tremendous arse. And yet he has a newspaper column.

Dannii Minogue: Lessons for the Milibands

How do you cope with a sibling in a similar line of work, but who has done a bit better for themselves? Are there lessons for David in Dannii Minogue's autobiography?

Being compared to the better, more popular, talented one all the time? Water off a duck's back, it seems:

Minogue wrote: "Ever since I arrived in the UK in 1991, the media have pitted us against one another, first favouring my supposed 'cooler, darker' image over Kylie's bubblegum sweetness, then turning on me with a deluge of unflattering comparisons.

"Never mind that Dannii has had ten Top 10 records - Kylie has had 20! Never mind that Dannii's album has gone gold - Kylie's has gone platinum! Less success was no success at all as far as my critics were concerned. As much as it broke my heart at times, it never made me any less proud and supportive of my sister, and I received the same love and support from her.

"The truth is I never felt as if I was competing with my sister. Although I got very tired of the constant comparisons, it wasn't because I was jealous. I think all the Dannii-bashing headlines often hurt Kylie more than they hurt me."

You see, David? You're not competing with your sibling, and the comparisons are just pointless because - hey - remember, you've sold a few records yourself. And were the popular one once. Briefly. Just keep mentioning that, over and over again, with figures if you must, and nobody will ever come away with the impression that you're seething inside and wondering if you could get a fake grin actually botoxed onto your face for those times when you have to stress you couldn't really care less.

Gordon in the morning: Band fracture at the bedside

Gordon hasn't enjoyed himself with a terrible episode in Cheryl Tweedy's life since he kept banging away at her marriage for days on end last year. You know, the thing that caused all that stress that somehow contributed to her illness?

Thank god that nobody is causing Tweedy stress and anxiety while she's got malaria, eh, Sean Hamilton?

MALARIA victim CHERYL TWEEDY has banned her Girls Aloud best friends KIMBERLEY WALSH and NICOLA ROBERTS from seeing her.

There's an attempt to paint this as some sort of band-strife thing, rather than just Cheryl only taking visits from her mum and current boyfriend. Still, I'm sure painting 'I don't want to see anyone' as 'Cheryl bans bandmates' won't make her any more stressed, eh?

A source said: "Cheryl doesn't want people to see her as she is."

Don't worry, A source: hardly anyone even mentions that time she beat the crap out of the woman in the toilets.

Oh. You mean "see her being ill."

Hamilton reveals that not only has it put the kibosh on X Factor judging and the new album, but Tweedy's illness has also disrupted the timetable on another popular public entertainment:

The 27-year-old has even put her divorce from love-rat footballer ASHLEY COLE on ice as she is too frail to meet lawyers or read documents.

But Sean, that can't be the case, can it? I can definitely remember Gordon Smart announcing that Cheryl was going to ensure the divorce was "done and dusted" before the World Cup.

Elsewhere, Gordon runs photos from Kylie's shoot for Out, which gives him the opportunity to indulge in a spot of distancing himself from the idea of being gay:

It was pointed out to me by a good-with-colours friend, obviously.

But the pics are a pleasant treat for her lady-liking fans too.

Good with colours friend? That's lame in both directions.

Gordon in the morning: Kylie on the pyramid stage

Gordon is confidently predicting that Kylie will turn up at Glastonbury after all, as the Scissor Sisters throw the kitchen sink at their set to try and restart their careers:

Kylie will perform single All The Lovers with the uber-camp pop band. And, as I revealed yesterday, they have invited SIR IAN McKELLEN to perform with them, too.

Meanwhile, the fawning is back full-on for Diana Vickers:

The chart-topping youngster got stuck into the Pimm's at her management firm Modest's summer party in London on Tuesday.

And I'd have done the same, if I'd just landed a quarter-of-a-million quid publishing agreement with Universal.

It's sterling work for Vickers and proves she can pen a mean tune.

Well, no it doesn't - signing a deal doesn't prove anything; the proof is if you're able to earn the money mentioned on the contract.

Gordon in the morning: Get orf my land

On the front of the Bizarre pages this morning, there's an interesting-sounding headline:

Kylie Glasto Blow

- which suggests a rather tightly targeted celebrity-endorsed product being prepared for next weekend.

The story, though - or 'something Gordon read in a magazine' - is rather more what you'd expect. Kylie won't be invited to play Glastonbury:

She was due to play the festival in 2005 but had to pull out after being diagnosed with breast cancer.

And now dairy farmer Michael doesn't want her on the bill.

He tells Recognise magazine: "She was going to do it years ago but then she was ill.

"We've all moved on. We've moved on to different things now."

What does that actually mean? Is Eavis suggesting that Kylie has no place on a bill which can find space for Shakira, U2 and Damon Albarn's Comedy Monkey Band? You find pop-snobbery in the oddest places, but I can't think of such a tightly-directed piece of pop snobbery in recent years.

Gordon in the morning: Kylie arse

It's great to see a showbiz duo reunited, isn't it?

KYLIE MINOGUE proves her bottom is still tops - bringing it out of retirement in a raunchy new video.

Who knew that Kylie's butt had retired? I hadn't been paying much attention, but it turns out it had left showbusiness a few years back, to pursue a dream of running a small bar in Spain.

Kylie, meanwhile, spent some time using Stuart Price to work in the role previously performed by her bottom, although on some appearances she went solo. Even though that made sitting down difficult.

Her original bottom has been tempted back from retirement, though, as the Spanish bar business has been quite badly hit by the recession and the ash cloud.

Oh... it turns out that all that's really happened is Kylie has worn a pair of hotpants again for the new video. Not that she's run out of ideas or anything.

Bi-ly Minogue

It's probably getting on for twenty years since - at the peak of her IndieKylie years - Kylie Minogue was interviewed by Bobby Gillespie for Select and announced she was trisexual. As in try anything once. It was a bit more original back then.

So it's not entirely clear why everyone is acting all surprised at her latest, similar mutterings:

"I have been attracted to some women."

"I am a sexual exhibitionist and part of me is a natural flirt. Although I have been attracted to women, I have never done anything with them."

It's worth noting that this is an interview with the Spanish language magazine Max Mexico. You might wonder if it has lost a little something in translation, if not about the veracity of the original quote.

Thatcher-off: The chart showdown

Thirty years ago this morning, James Callaghan was looking for boxes, while The Queen was facing the horror of having her hand kissed by Thatcher. (Although at least we can be sure that she didn't drivel and/or drool as she kissed her.) And thus began the period of British politics which, it seems, we're now obliged to say saw Thatcher "do what had to be done" - sorry, all you people, you had to be done, never mind.

But was it good for the country, really? There's only one way to find out, and that's by comparing the top tens for April 1979, the last month of a Labour government, with November 1990, when even Thatcher's closest chums got sick of her. Were the charts in a better state when she arrived, or when she left?

Number 10, April 1979: Hallelujah - Milk And Honey



Fresh from winning Eurovision - back at a time when people still felt obliged to point out that, actually, Israel would be Middle East rather than Europe - the declining moments of a Labour government were hymned by a desire for peace, and love. Isreal's entries to Eurovision often sing about peace and understanding, because otherwise the bands would be force to appear carrying signs saying "It's not our fault. We're just musicians."

Number 10, November 1990: Kylie Minogue - Step Back In Time



There are some who might suggest that it;s appropriate that, as the nation moved from the Victorian Values of Thatcher to Major's bicycling virgins going to Orwellian churches, what could be more appropriate than a song calling on us to step back in time? (And, as we'll see as we climb the charts, music had pretty much done that anyway.)

This video, apparently, is the fifth most popular performance on CD:UK ever ever ever.

Clearly, though, in this battle there is only one winner: Pre-Thatcher - 0; Post-Thatcher 1.

[More across the day]

UPDATE: 09/04/13 - Replaced the Milk & Honey video with one that works

Gordon in the morning: Handing out hugs and blankets to the shocked masses

Gordon, of course, has coverage of the Razorlight split. And there's only one way to sum up the split of a British band shortly before a gig in Cheshire:

Trouble in America...

In order to stack up the headline, the made-up, sorry, unnamed source places the argument that "brought things to a head" between Borrell and Burrows as happening "during a recent trip to America". Although if that was true, you might wonder why Burrows didn't quit there and then.

Elsewhere, Kylie Minogue is getting a stupid sum of money for recording a single track for a Bollywood film - three quarters of a million quid, apparently. Now, I've been keeping up with the news - we're meant to gather and boo when people get paid money completely out of proportion to their work they do and the value they generate, right? C'mon Gordon - let's boo Kylie, shall we?

And as she chats to star AKSHAY KUMAR between filming she looks worth every penny.

Oh. Are you suggesting that Fred Goodwin could have avoided all that bad press if he'd just been a bit prettier?

It's perhaps fortunate that Gordon Smart isn't up a mountain with Cheryl Cole - can you imagine how thin the atmosphere at the top of Kilimanjaro would be if Smart was having to follow up the story about Ashley Cole's latest bit of bother? Especially given that it turns out his arrest-attracting rage was sparked by someone taking photos for The Sun in the first place?

For the paper, Andy Crick and Philip Case are covering the "story", and they do have quite a scoop:

Cole, who earns £82,000 a week, plonked himself on a bar stool. Then as Chelsea skipper Terry and Mancienne mingled, he knocked back a bottle of Japanese Asahi lager.

He clutched a wad of £20 notes as he ordered a round of drinks — and began chatting to a blonde clubber wearing a shiny blue mini-dress and a string of white pearls.

Sadly, the paper's two writers fail to mention if Cole had been wearing the mini-dress when he was drinking the lager, or if he'd nipped off to change.

Still, nobody would be as cheap as to try and get mileage out of his wife being off doing good works, would they?

Fundraiser v hellraiser

It truly is a dichotomy. It's almost impossible to imagine Cheryl Cole ever being in a violent outburst at a nightclub.

Liveblog: Brits 2009

7.15pm
Of course, the rest of the entire bloody world will be Twittering their Brits experience, but No Rock is nothing if not a stickler for tradition. Our Brits coverage will be an old style blog.

Like in 2008, when they clashed with Torchwood

And like in 2007, when the Scissor Sisters were still well-known.

Still, Twitter is already bringing us the event in a way unimaginable when George Michael was alive - Holy Moly have just pushed a picture of their supper. Yum.

I'm about to have yams. See you after Corrie.

8.05
Last year, they warned in the continuity announcement that "anything could happen." This year, they warned there might be flashing lights.

8.07
It's the same bloody break bumpers of people miming songs they've been using now for - what - four years? A dull idea made ever duffer by repetition.

U2 get things under way, doing what might be a new song from the album, or possibly a pisspoor cover of Subterranean Homesick Blues.

First prize - British female - goes to Duffy. "It's lucky my mum didn't have a boy" observes Duffy as she picks up the prize.

Horne and Corden are dressed in what's meant to be lady clothes, but just looks like they've been hosing down a sausage factory.

Bloody hell, they're already on to Best International Female. Lionel Ritchie is doing the honours- literally - for this one. "British women are taking over" he announces, which sort of suggests International Female is like a consolation prize. He could try breaking the statue to make it even less of an honour.

Pink gets the most (only?) cheers of the nomination reel.

8.15
Katy Perry wins. The only possible reason for this was to allow Matt Lucas to leer into the camera.

As she picks up her prize, the audio soundtrack goes off - with a 'replay' style 'Audio muted' logo in the top right hand corner. They must have carried out swearing coverage, as they left in the bit where she basically admitted they'd told her she'd won in order to get her in.

James Corden's slathering over Kylie doesn't really come across as anything other than a bit wrong in front of Earls Court.

Girls Aloud are on, with ten male dancers in white tie and tails. The five men who don't get to dance with a Girl have to make do with a large pink ostrich feather. The Girls themselves sound rather wan.

8.20
Sweeping The Nation are twittering this - suggesting Duffy might want to, you know, prepare something for picking up awards in case she needs to do some more thanking.

Backstage, Fearne Cotton has got a caravan, Duffy and Simon Pegg. Fearne is concentrating on talking to Duffy rather than, you know, the one who might be able to say something worth hearing.

It's time for us to start the shortlist for best single - Scouting For Girls are on it. And something called Better In Time by Leona Lewis - she had another single, did she?

Fearne spends about five minutes trying to persuade us ITV aren't ripping us off with the phonelines.

Ooh... LastFM itunes app in the ad break.

8.25
What the hell is that Cheesetring advert? I haven't been more frightened since I realised there were just men inside the daleks.

Horne and Corden have now changed into suits. Their bits are going down well, at least with the bloke playing in the sound of crowd noise.

Alex James has popped in to give British breakthrough - "Radio One supported", of course. Scouting v Adele v Duffy v Ting Tings v Last Shadows. All these bands already seem as old as... well, Alex James.

Oh. Duffy has won this one, too. Although if she *is* the best female, it probably follows she'd have to be the biggest breakthrough. Good lord, if you can't admire their taste, can we at least applaud the Brits' internal logic this year?

Duffy still hasn't got anything to say. Oh, hang on... she's thanking "radio" and "airtime."

8.30
Horner and Corner do a joke about free downloads disproving the existence of God - but isn't it possible that the Christian God, who threw money changers out the temple, might approve of free downloading?

Coldplay are on now. Chris Martin is hopping about on one leg, as a one-man tribute to the Cook and Moore Tarzan sketch. They're tossing rose petals down on them. Or maybe its poppies? They could show separate confetti showers on ITV2.

8.35
On twitter, Yahoo UK entertainment is suggesting that Martin already looks like he's bored singing these songs.

Thanks to Simon in the comments for explaining that Girls Aloud were supposed to be pretending to be naked - an idea which fails completely with cameras mounted at a higher point than the Earls Court audience eyeline.

Chris Matin says thanks thanks.

Fearne has got Jamies Oliver and Cullum backstage. "Duffy won't win best British Male" snorts Cullum - a gag Alison Moyet first did back when this was part of Nationwide. The Q Dot suggest we're seconds from an ad break.

8.40
It's not even the same old idea for the break bumpers - these are the same bloody ones they were using last year, aren't they?

Twitter, as one, has splurged a "KILL THEM BOTH" rage at the Two Jamies.

Despot wins for observing "Jamie Cullum looks like a cross between Jack White and a potato."

8.42
Oh, they've given Kylie something else to do - although, again, it's mainly standing there and letting Horne pretend he can't control himself.

Natalie Imbrooglywoogly - from the 1990s - is doing international band giving. Will it go to the Fleet Foxes? Will it buggery. It'll be the Kings Of Leon, won't it? Why are they even bothering with the shortlist?

The winner is... Kings Of Leon. Well, what a surprise. How lucky they're here to play some songs.

Fearne tries to suggest that the people who vote for the Brits are "the great and the good", although actually they're the people who spend most of their time smothering music.

The KOL ask "what is going on?" and remember to thank Columbia.

8.45
A joke at the expense of Craig David. Cutting-edge stuff.

The two Jamies have now emerged from the 'tent' to give the Best British Male solo artist.

Have I mentioned how bloody annoying the Johnny Vegas bits are (he's the Alan Dedicot for the evening).

This award is the one which should have been closed because there were no actual nominees with a point to it. And on which betting had been closed because Paul Weller had won and it leaked.

Adele gives him the prize on a video, which it appears to have taken three dozen takes to get right. We're shown the outtakes, presumably because they were so poor Alright On The Night passed on them.

8.48
The BBC Ents Team (who sound like something from It Aint Arf Hot, Mum) point out that Weller is only the second person to win a proper prize after getting a lifetime achievement award - that sort of fact is worth the licence fee on its own, surely?

Duffy is now earning her four awards by singing one of her songs. You can see why she gets annoyed with Dusty Springfield comparisons - it sets a bar she's never going to quite make.

Ooh... the picture just froze. Best Moment So Far.

8.50
"Natalie, you presented an award to one of your favourite bands... how much do you love Kings Of Leon?" - Fearne. She's like Robin Day in a short skirt.

The joy of following the Twitter #brits hash is somewhat ruined by the presence of a spammer pushing junk with the hashtag.

8.55
The Hovis through the ages ad and the Heinz Beanz archive mash up in the same ad break? Are we being sucked backwards to the 1960s?

Hope and Glory aren't, at least, as bad as The Osbournes, but the constant played-in soundtrack almost makes it like they're doing a show for a totally different audience.

Some boxer called Joe has tuned up to give a prize for International album - is he the one that Noel Gallagher really, really, really loves?

Another prize for the Kings Of Leon. And they make a bloody meal of sloping down to pick it up. Come on, guys, there's a schedule to keep to here. If you take too long to get on stage, we're going to end up with credits running over the Pet Shop Boys.

Kings Of Leon thank England for the prize. Dude, there's a reason they're called the Brits, you know.

And they thank bloody Columbia again.

People are now running through the audience with lamps. Exciting! Is it a raid? Is it the police? Are Jack and the boys going to set fire to the stage?

Oh, no, it's Take That from the Marks and Spencers adverts.

9.00
Take That are wearing spectacles and floating in the air. Like secretaries who only need to be told they're beautiful and, simultaneously, rescued by the fire brigade.

Actually, that platform doesn't look too safe, to be honest. Health and safety, anyone?

9.05
CMQueen suggests that the spaceship is a dig at Robbie Williams.

Ooh, they're ascending now. Hope they don't win best live show, otherwise they're going to need rope ladders to get down.

Nick Frost presenting now - probably glad to not be forced to back up Simon Pegg, although it might be a sign they're running short of people willing to head out to give awards in return for a nasty meal and a goodie bag. This is the best live prize.

Is it just me, or does every time Scouting For Girls pop up in a nominations clip, does your belief in British music die a little more?

Iron Maiden have won this prize - they pick it up on film. "We can't be there" they explain, listing international tour dates for the overseas sales. When did Iron Maiden last win a prize, exactly?

The Maiden do a bit of business with Eddie zapping them all into smoke, which must count as the most "one for the fans" Brits moment ever.

9.10
David Hasselhoff is on now - tomorrow night, he's doing the One Show. It's all go for him, isn't it? He seems to think that we care what he might have to say.

He's only introducing the best british band prize, but he's written a speech as if it was first contact.

Wouldn't it be nice if Elbow won this? Unlikely, but nice.

Oh... well, that's a surprise. It *is* Elbow.

"It's nice to know quality music gets recognised, even if it takes ten years or so" says Fearne - i think she means Elbow's success, but it sounds like she's suggesting you only get a decent artist winning a Brit once a decade.

Guy Garvey has the air of a man who had thought all he'd get this evening would be the free beer.

9.15
Twitter applauding the Elbow win. Kings Of Leon come on. Time for a pee, I think.

9.20
You see? Dull but inappropriate personal information can thrive on long form blogs as well as it does on Twitter.

The Kings Of Leon's performance is the only straight one so far tonight - and after all the costumes, and saluting and feathers, it's refreshing to see a band who are happy to perform as a band. Pity they're just not very good.

Hasslehoff flirting with Fearne Cotton. Who knew there was a 'down' from Holmes and YoYo slathering over Kylie?

9.22
Rory Cellan-Jones is apparently using the Brits as background noise: "perfect TV to watch when doing something else(blogging about myspace), requires no concentration whatsoever".

Another Craig David joke. Perhaps not listening might work for us all.

The Critics Choice award now - pre-ordained to go to Florence and the Machine. In return, they get three seconds of a video played. "There is no machine" observes Shawndra, as ITV blank out the soundtrack again. If the critics really love them - and they should - couldn't they have a, you know, slot to play some music? Wouldn't that be a good idea?

But they have to chase Florence off, to make room for Gok Wan. "Do you look good naked?" asks Gok. It's the music industry, Gok. You don't want to picture the head of A&R fromanywhere anything other than fully dressed.

International male, is it? Do they check Beck is still alive before they pop him on the shortlist each year?

Kanye West couldn't even be arsed to find a decent place to film the acceptance video - it looks like he's in his garage.

"It's time" warns Kylie "for one of those unique collaborations that can only happen at the Brits."

Ting Tings and Estelle, then.

The Ting Tings, hilariously, in today's Guardian claim to still feel like outsiders. Estelle seems to have just been told to sing her song over the top of Shut Up And Let Me Go. they said at the start this was the first time they'd performed together - who knew that meant they hadn't even rehearsed?

9.30
How far doesn't this work? MDG27 is begging for the Klaxons and Rihanna gto come back.

Ouch - an awful crunch of gears into That's Not My Name. You'd have thought they'd at least get Estelle to do the singing bit... oh, she just has, and she's out of tune.

9.35
ChuckDarw1n pointing out Twitter is putting him off the idea of watching the Brits on TV.

Alan Carr is giving the best single prize - the only one that we're to suppose hadn't been leaked beforehand, anyway. Nice to hear a reference to High And Mighty, the bigfatbloke trouser shop.

What have the people done to us? Its... Girls Aloud, winning for Promises. "It's official" says Fearne "Girls Aloud are national treasures." Because they won an ITV phone vote? Don't they only exist because of an ITV phone vote?

You're doing a boring list of thanks. You're never having an award again. "This", apparently, "is the cherry on the cake."

9.40
"It's the one we've all been waiting for" says Kylie... has the last hour and forty minutes been nothing more than an empty sham, them? [Runs through Sky+] Oh.

Tom Jones has come on, trying to make a lewd remark about Girls Aloud but accidentally winding up sounding quite sweet.

This is album of the year, by the way.

Maiko Miyabi has it about right:
Tom Jones = hasn't it been a great night? Audience = indifferent.

Bloody hell, Duffy wins again.

Fearne puts it into context, with all these awards she's entered an exalted plane occupied by the likes of Robbie Williams and, erm, The Darkness. So: scrubbing floors and hiding from blinking lights in twelve months, then?

Duffy is trying to claim that she paid her dues - "I travelled this country playing my songs to old ladies who are probably watching this saying that they'd heard my songs"... okay, we were wrong, Duffy. Don't prepare anything. You're better winging it.

Fearne announces the next performance will go down in Brits history. Shouldn't we at least wait until it's happened before popping it into the history books?

9.44
Scott Mills off the radio is chivving the Girls Aloud: "Sarah Harding seems to be having fun anyway. May be the others could follow her lead..." Only it's not Scott, of course, he's too grand to update his own Twitterfeed.

9.46
"How many of the top ten bands are British?" asks the trail for the News At Ten. Please keep watching! Nobody ever watches us! We'll talk about pop, if you like that.

Brandon Flowers looks like Maxwell Demon as he comes on to give a prize to the Pet Shop Boys for still going. Flowers is detailing this one time he was in a record shop trying to choose between The Pet Shop Boys and The Smiths and... oh, he chose the Pet Shop Boys. Has Flowers *really* always believed Chris Lowe to be some "sort of wizard"? Really?

Oh, please just bring them on.

They're accepting a big floating heads on the screen! This is what we want! And now Lady GaGa has come out of their giant floating head. (No, not really, it's just Chris in a wig.)

if you must do gimmicks, make them great gimmicks.

Louis Walsh looks confused and a little frightened.

Unfortunately, it sounds a little less than Earls Court filling.

Suburbia.

9.50
Neil Tennant's coat looks a bit like a DIY bondage outfit. Not self-bondage; bondage with DIY equipment.

You have to wonder if they should try giving this award to Erasure next year. Clearly, nobody under the age of thirty is going to make it to the end of the event, so inviting along someone to do a bit of a Stars On 45 of their greatest, mostly forgotten hits is quite a nice way to end.

Go West has brought more marching people onto the stage - perhaps they're being drilled by U2 backstage?

9.55
Here's Lady GaGa, singing What Have I Done To Deserve This, as, erm Gordon Smart didn't announce exclusively in the Sun. Presumably, though, she'll have to come back to do more than just a couple of lines?

Brandon Flowers is now on, having a crack at making It's A Sin a little less in tune. He bought a Pet Shops Boy best of back when he was a kid, you know.

9.57
Actually... I think I'd have preferred a reminder of a couple of the truly great songs they've done, rather than being reminded of snatches of absolutely every thing they ever released.

Another shot of Matt Lucas, and David Walliams jiggling about pretending that he doesn't think he's the Chris Lowe of his double act.

GaGa back for West End Girls. Did I mention she was wearing a waste-paper basket on her head?

10.00
And there's the closing credits... is nobody going to actually say goodbye to us? That's just bad manners, surely?

So, what was that, then? Not a car-crash like last years, just rolling on, in a safe way. And even the Pet Shop Boys felt like they wound up not going anywhere - particularly with all the excitement over the collaborations turning into little more than a couple of lines being sung along. And surely Neil Tenant knows that you need to have a crescendo to end on? Some balloons or something?

Jemima Kiss tweets "The Brits is just a dirty great marketing exercise. Fifty teens at the front & the rest of the audience is suits. I prefer Dicky Atten'bro." - but she forgets to mention the fifty teens are hand-picked from the Brits school.

Actually, that was missing this year, wasn't it? Normally they throw in one or two mentions of the Brits school, to make it look like the event is a charitable bash, and to pretend the UK music industry is investing in talent - not a word this year. Why so quiet?

10.15
There's now a Brits hashdictionary entry.

Gordon in the morning: Living the values

Come, let us measure today's work by Gordon Smart against the inspiring calls from his editor Rebekah Wade in her Hugh Cudlipp lecture.

Rebekah:

With these market forces, it's even more important to remember why we exist: Journalism.

Gordon:

KYLIE MINOGUE has recorded a song with Aussie kids’ music group THE WIGGLES — after I revealed last year she was desperate to team up with the four cheesy lads in coloured tops.

Rebekah:

Great press campaigns can change history and shape new laws. They can build a bridge between public opinion and public policy.

Gordon:

Stevie-Louise, wearing blue, said: “Russell [Brand] took his clothes off as soon as we got through his front door. He was definitely wanting a threesome — and he thought he was going to get one.”

Rebekah:

Campaigns provide a unique connection to the public especially when the subject matter is of a serious nature.

Gordon:

“I like going to sleep with nice thoughts in my head. I’ll always pick When Harry Met Sally over Saw V.”

James [Corden] reveals the shocking truth in the March issue of movie mag Empire.

Rebekah:

The newsroom needs journalists who have great contacts, the reporters who can break the news not just report it, the photographers that can bring in the exclusives.

Gordon:

NOEL GALLAGHER reckons playing guitar steered him away from a life of crime.

The OASIS axeman, who lived in the Manchester suburb of Burnage as a child, tells Total Guitar magazine...

Rebekah:

The quality of our journalism will make or break our industry, not the recession.

Gordon:

Failed Yorkshire businessman KEITH LEMON has gone one better by enticing Page 3 beauties BECKY and CHELSEA to dance with him.

Rebekah:

Our ancient craft is to tell many people what few people know.

Gordon:

I reckon COLEEN ROONEY must have spent at least a grand on bikinis for her hols.

WAYNE'S curvy missus displayed YET ANOTHER snazzy design as she relaxed on the beach in the Caribbean with her parents COLETTE and TONY, as well as brother JOE.