Radio 2 repeat 6Music Coldplay experiment; get identical results

Earlier this year, 6Music presented listener with a list of songs and asked them for their favourite. Disappointingly, it ended up with Coldplay winning.

So when Radio 2 presented listeners with a list of "most-played albums" and asked them to rank them?

It's no surprises:

1 Coldplay - A Rush Of Blood To The Head
2 Keane - Hopes & Fears
3 Duran Duran - Rio
4 Pink Floyd - The Dark Side Of The Moon
5 Dido - No Angel
6 The Rolling Stones - Sticky Fingers
7 Pet Shop Boys - Actually
8 The Beatles - Sgt Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band
9 U2 - The Joshua Tree
10 Queen - A Night At The Opera

I know that we should take seriously no list which clears its throat by announcing that A Fit Of Vapours In The Bentley is the best anything, but just look at that. I'm no Beatles acolyte - I think you'd have spotted that - but even I know that Dido's No Angel is not a finer body of work that Sergeant Pepper's.

Interesting to see Actually, there, though. Actually.

1993 all over again: 12 - Pet Shop Boys

12. Pet Shop Boys - Go West

I'm sure this was the result of a pub bet, in which Neil Tennant was bet he couldn't make a Village People song any more gay.



[Part of 1993 all over again]
[Buy Pop Art]

Pet Shop Boys deny their Lady GaGa song is totally about Lady GaGa

The Pet Shop Boys Ego Pop isn't about Lady GaGa. Of course it isn't. They say it isn't, anyway:

When asked whether the song was inspired by Lady Gaga, Tennant told Attitude: "It's not specifically about Lady Gaga, it's about the modern pop star. Pop music is very ego-driven these days. The modern pop lyric is like a diary almost. In other words, people don't imagine, they just say what it is... A lot of lines [in the song] are direct quotes from what people say in interviews. 'I am my own demographic' is a direct quote."

Hmm. It is, is it? Challenge Accepted.

Obviously, Google is already starting to silt up with Pet Shop Boys lyrics if you go searching for that phrase; and it crops up in the odd dating site profile and - amusingly - in someone else's lyrics. But the first musician using those words who crops up is Jof Owen of The Boy Least Likely To:

I like most of our songs because I kind of wrote them so that someone like me would like them. I am my own demographic. But if I had to pick just one, then there’s a song called "The Boy With Two Hearts" that I’m really proud of on the new album. We recorded all the brass parts with the Grimethorpe Colliery Band. I remember the demo was quite mournful in a really sweet way and I ended up writing relatively simple words for it. It sounds quite sad and Christmassy, and it reminds me of the theme tune to The Flumps but I don’t expect anyone else will think that.

Surely anyone who works with the Grimethorpe Colliery Band to create something like The Flumps can't be the target of Neil's ire?

Begie Adair is a musician in her 60s making music for her generation. Or, as she puts it:

“I always tell people that when it comes to marketing, I am my own demographic,” Beegie laughingly explains. “All these are tunes that I loved when I was in high school and college.”

That seems to be a fair application of the phrase, and her work surely sits outside the remit of Ego Pop?

Perhaps it's not a direct quote at all - maybe the original was "I'm my own demographic". Could Ego Pop be taking aim at, erm, Oregon busker John "skeet" Gretzinger:

I made it my business to learn a few more songs each week from the radio and the rest is history. I'm back to busking pretty much full time again at 59 and having a ball. I'm kind of semi-retired. I don't play in bands or with other musicians at all anymore. I’m too old and grouchy for a band. Too many headaches! Yikes! I couldn't take all that now. And their girlfriends will drive you nuts! Nope! Just me, by myself. I do about 350 - what you might call, classic rock songs. All covers. I don't write. Never have. But it’s cool, because I'm my own demographic! The baby boomers love me. It’s a trick. I just play what they want to hear. But it works for me.

Again, it's hard to see Neil grumbling away over that.

It's possible that the quote doesn't exist online, of course - not all human knowledge has yet been squirted onto the wires (you can't find Hayley's Cake single You Do Voodoo online, for example) - but it seems odd that Tennant would be so certain about it being a direct quote if it wasn't citeable.

More to the point, as the quotes above show, claiming to be your own demographic doesn't have to reek of ego; it can just be a simple statement to the effect that you're part of the audience you're targeting - surely something of a relief compared with men nudging fifty playing to rooms full of teenagers, yes?

Still, all this is something of a sideshow, isn't it? It's about Lady GaGa. Or Madonna. Which is the same thing.

Bookmarks: Neil Tennant

Humanizing The Vacuum has exhumed Neil Tennant's 1992 Details piece in praise of hate:

Positivity is fundamentally middle-class. It’s about having the time, the space and the money to sort out where your head is at. Therapy is just another side of positivity. It’s a leisure activity, a luxury for people who don’t have any real cares. It’s new age selfishness, the new way of saying that charity begins at home.

And positivity makes the world stay the same. Hatred is the force that moves society along, for better or for worse. People aren’t driven by saying, “Oh wow, I’m at peace with myself.” They’re driven by their hatred of injustice, hatred of unfairness, of how power is used.

Decade Null: 2009 - Pet Shop Boys

They're still quite good, you know. Yes. Pet Shop Boys live in Moscow, doing The Way It Used To Be:



[Part of Decade Null 2009]

Electronic reunited. Almost.

Bad Lieutenant and Neil Tenant, together at last. Sumner's sideline is going to support the Pet Shop Boys on the December tour.

Neil Tennant misses Top Of The Pops

I yield to nobody in my admiration of Neil Tennant, but a grumbly interview about why Top of The Pops isn't on any more and people "stealing" music makes him sound like something out of a different era.

Mind you, the BBC News site suggests that Tennant has "slammed" the corporation, which is perhaps putting it a bit strongly:

He added he thought as part of the BBC's public broadcasting, the corporation should be keeping its "astonishing archive" of musical footage up-to-date.

"[That is] why we like the BBC, because they do things that should be done but don't always make complete commercial sense."

It actually sounds more like he understands it had to go, rather than "slamming" anyone or anything. Indeed, it doesn't actually sound like Tennant much cared for the show by the time it was axed:

The star, who has had hits with West End Girls and Always On My Mind, said a former BBC employee who now works for ITV had told him why the show had to go.

"He explained to me at great length that the public aren't interested in music unless its heavily editorialised - by which he means X Factor.

"If you look back over the presentation of Top Of The Pops in the 90s, cynicism crept into the way it was presented.

"In the past, everything - the rubbish and the good stuff - was presented with enthusiasm. And I think its up to the public to make the taste decisions - not the DJs presenting."

It's actually wider than that, Neil: instead of the running order being dictated by the chart positions of records, it became an editorially-selected choice; moving from a dumb list to a cheerleader service.

Tennant then offers what sounds like a pretty comprehensive argument against reviving the show:

"I think it must be really strange to be a new artist. Like if JLS are number one on Sunday, they won't have that great moment of being crowned that week's Kings Of Pop."

Anything that would make JLS labour about under the misapprehension that they were in some way pop royalty, surely, is broken beyond use?

Tennant then turns to those downloads the young people are all doing these days:

"It would be great if 30% of us could get a car for free, but it's not going to happen," he said.

"And I don't see why people should think they can."

Oh, Neil, Neil, Neil. You really don't believe that a manufactured car is like a digital music file, do you? That digital music is more akin to oxygen?

It turns out he doesn't buy the whole 'the supply is almost unlimited' argument, either:

He went on to describe an article he read on the internet, which suggested music should be free like water.

"I thought 'have you seen the water rates in London?'

"If you wanted to pay £700 pounds a year for music, I think we'd all be really happy.

He does seem to have worked in a complaint about the cost of water, too, which is quite impressive.

There's an important difference, though, between water and digital music anyway - water companies have to maintain the infrastructure which delivers the water. Oh, and are dealing with a finite resource which requires enormous storage space to smooth out the differences between supply and demand.

Not that - as far as I know - anyone has ever suggested charging for music as if it was water; the 'like water' case is actually about treating music as a utility rather than a distinct product - a pipe, rather than a bottle of water.

Oh, and the average water bill in the UK is £330 and the average charge by London supplier Thames Water being £295. I suppose Neil must live in a larger house than most of us, though.

Tennant's solution? Erm, something akin to the water rates:

"I think we should have a licence somewhere between the water rates and the BBC TV licence and then you could have it for nothing and it could be farmed out on a download pro rata basis."

What does that even mean, Neil? And why should some internet content - music - be licensed, when a lot of other stuff is available for free online? If musicians should get some money everytime a track is listened to, why shouldn't that licence cover people who make animated lego films, or write blog entries about Boris Johnson? What's so special about Paolo Nutini that he should be rewarded when his content is accessed online, when, say, Kirstie Allsopp tweets for free?

The licence idea appeals simply because everyone knows that online music, left to fight in the market place, is worth almost nothing. It's like bakers suggesting that people should be forced to have a bread licence, and then they'll be happy to let people take the stale bread from their dumpsters.

Peta Shop Boys

Am I misremebering, or does PETA insist on the Pet Shop Boys changing their name once every two or three weeks?

I'm not even sure it makes any sense, either - sure, some pet shops are horrible places; personally, if Neil Tennant turned up at Pet City in Aurora Mall in Denver, set the poor, crushed creatures free and then locked the management in tiny, overheated perspex boxes while inviting the population of Colorado to bash rhythmically on the door for ten hours a day, I would be delighted.

But many pet shops don't sell pets; they only sell things that make pets happy. Catnip and bottles for feeding rabbits and things that delight puppies. Some, indeed, also try to rehouse rescue dogs and cats, to save them from being destroyed - something which might give PetSmart a moral lead over PETA.

Still, PETA are happy that the Pet Shop Boys have elected to not change their name, but have posted a message of support:

“The organisation PETA Europe, dedicated to establishing and protecting the rights of all animals, has written to Pet Shop Boys with a request they are unable to agree to but nonetheless think raises an issue worth thinking about.”

Coming next week: Buttsteak are badgered to change their name retrospectively to Butttofu.

Gordon in the morning: Cops with guns

Okay, I'll give you this one, Gordon - the headline on the story about the Pet Shop Boys' b-side on the execution of Jean Charles De Menezes is pretty good:

Met shock Boys

Gordon, you can tell, can't quite bring himself to celebrate the idea that a pop group can release a song complaining about the erosion of civil liberties:

The chorus voices fears that liberties are being eroded by measures such as the anti-terror laws that followed the suicide attacks which left 52 people dead and more than 700 injured.

Okay, he doesn't come out and say "the Pet Shop Boys are helping the terrorists win", but the implication is there.

NEIL TENNANT and CHRIS LOWE’s most controversial track ever tells how De Menezes was gunned down at point-blank range in Stockwell Underground station after police mistook him for a suicide bomber.

But is that controversial? It might be their angriest song ever; it could well be their most political song ever. But since when did 'the police should be a bit more careful before summarily shooting people' become a controversial idea?

Then again, Smart is writing for the paper which stood applauding the day after the killing with its "one down, three to go" coverage.

Perhaps Gordon's on safer ground sticking to pop froth, like this advice to Cheryl Cole on how to break America:

If she’s going to sing, then she should get her vocal chords in order and blast herself off with a big show.”

The wiser head offering this advice? Mel B.

Career advice from Mel B. It's like civil liberties advice from regular Sun columnist David Blunkett.

Liveblog: Brits 2009

7.15pm
Of course, the rest of the entire bloody world will be Twittering their Brits experience, but No Rock is nothing if not a stickler for tradition. Our Brits coverage will be an old style blog.

Like in 2008, when they clashed with Torchwood

And like in 2007, when the Scissor Sisters were still well-known.

Still, Twitter is already bringing us the event in a way unimaginable when George Michael was alive - Holy Moly have just pushed a picture of their supper. Yum.

I'm about to have yams. See you after Corrie.

8.05
Last year, they warned in the continuity announcement that "anything could happen." This year, they warned there might be flashing lights.

8.07
It's the same bloody break bumpers of people miming songs they've been using now for - what - four years? A dull idea made ever duffer by repetition.

U2 get things under way, doing what might be a new song from the album, or possibly a pisspoor cover of Subterranean Homesick Blues.

First prize - British female - goes to Duffy. "It's lucky my mum didn't have a boy" observes Duffy as she picks up the prize.

Horne and Corden are dressed in what's meant to be lady clothes, but just looks like they've been hosing down a sausage factory.

Bloody hell, they're already on to Best International Female. Lionel Ritchie is doing the honours- literally - for this one. "British women are taking over" he announces, which sort of suggests International Female is like a consolation prize. He could try breaking the statue to make it even less of an honour.

Pink gets the most (only?) cheers of the nomination reel.

8.15
Katy Perry wins. The only possible reason for this was to allow Matt Lucas to leer into the camera.

As she picks up her prize, the audio soundtrack goes off - with a 'replay' style 'Audio muted' logo in the top right hand corner. They must have carried out swearing coverage, as they left in the bit where she basically admitted they'd told her she'd won in order to get her in.

James Corden's slathering over Kylie doesn't really come across as anything other than a bit wrong in front of Earls Court.

Girls Aloud are on, with ten male dancers in white tie and tails. The five men who don't get to dance with a Girl have to make do with a large pink ostrich feather. The Girls themselves sound rather wan.

8.20
Sweeping The Nation are twittering this - suggesting Duffy might want to, you know, prepare something for picking up awards in case she needs to do some more thanking.

Backstage, Fearne Cotton has got a caravan, Duffy and Simon Pegg. Fearne is concentrating on talking to Duffy rather than, you know, the one who might be able to say something worth hearing.

It's time for us to start the shortlist for best single - Scouting For Girls are on it. And something called Better In Time by Leona Lewis - she had another single, did she?

Fearne spends about five minutes trying to persuade us ITV aren't ripping us off with the phonelines.

Ooh... LastFM itunes app in the ad break.

8.25
What the hell is that Cheesetring advert? I haven't been more frightened since I realised there were just men inside the daleks.

Horne and Corden have now changed into suits. Their bits are going down well, at least with the bloke playing in the sound of crowd noise.

Alex James has popped in to give British breakthrough - "Radio One supported", of course. Scouting v Adele v Duffy v Ting Tings v Last Shadows. All these bands already seem as old as... well, Alex James.

Oh. Duffy has won this one, too. Although if she *is* the best female, it probably follows she'd have to be the biggest breakthrough. Good lord, if you can't admire their taste, can we at least applaud the Brits' internal logic this year?

Duffy still hasn't got anything to say. Oh, hang on... she's thanking "radio" and "airtime."

8.30
Horner and Corner do a joke about free downloads disproving the existence of God - but isn't it possible that the Christian God, who threw money changers out the temple, might approve of free downloading?

Coldplay are on now. Chris Martin is hopping about on one leg, as a one-man tribute to the Cook and Moore Tarzan sketch. They're tossing rose petals down on them. Or maybe its poppies? They could show separate confetti showers on ITV2.

8.35
On twitter, Yahoo UK entertainment is suggesting that Martin already looks like he's bored singing these songs.

Thanks to Simon in the comments for explaining that Girls Aloud were supposed to be pretending to be naked - an idea which fails completely with cameras mounted at a higher point than the Earls Court audience eyeline.

Chris Matin says thanks thanks.

Fearne has got Jamies Oliver and Cullum backstage. "Duffy won't win best British Male" snorts Cullum - a gag Alison Moyet first did back when this was part of Nationwide. The Q Dot suggest we're seconds from an ad break.

8.40
It's not even the same old idea for the break bumpers - these are the same bloody ones they were using last year, aren't they?

Twitter, as one, has splurged a "KILL THEM BOTH" rage at the Two Jamies.

Despot wins for observing "Jamie Cullum looks like a cross between Jack White and a potato."

8.42
Oh, they've given Kylie something else to do - although, again, it's mainly standing there and letting Horne pretend he can't control himself.

Natalie Imbrooglywoogly - from the 1990s - is doing international band giving. Will it go to the Fleet Foxes? Will it buggery. It'll be the Kings Of Leon, won't it? Why are they even bothering with the shortlist?

The winner is... Kings Of Leon. Well, what a surprise. How lucky they're here to play some songs.

Fearne tries to suggest that the people who vote for the Brits are "the great and the good", although actually they're the people who spend most of their time smothering music.

The KOL ask "what is going on?" and remember to thank Columbia.

8.45
A joke at the expense of Craig David. Cutting-edge stuff.

The two Jamies have now emerged from the 'tent' to give the Best British Male solo artist.

Have I mentioned how bloody annoying the Johnny Vegas bits are (he's the Alan Dedicot for the evening).

This award is the one which should have been closed because there were no actual nominees with a point to it. And on which betting had been closed because Paul Weller had won and it leaked.

Adele gives him the prize on a video, which it appears to have taken three dozen takes to get right. We're shown the outtakes, presumably because they were so poor Alright On The Night passed on them.

8.48
The BBC Ents Team (who sound like something from It Aint Arf Hot, Mum) point out that Weller is only the second person to win a proper prize after getting a lifetime achievement award - that sort of fact is worth the licence fee on its own, surely?

Duffy is now earning her four awards by singing one of her songs. You can see why she gets annoyed with Dusty Springfield comparisons - it sets a bar she's never going to quite make.

Ooh... the picture just froze. Best Moment So Far.

8.50
"Natalie, you presented an award to one of your favourite bands... how much do you love Kings Of Leon?" - Fearne. She's like Robin Day in a short skirt.

The joy of following the Twitter #brits hash is somewhat ruined by the presence of a spammer pushing junk with the hashtag.

8.55
The Hovis through the ages ad and the Heinz Beanz archive mash up in the same ad break? Are we being sucked backwards to the 1960s?

Hope and Glory aren't, at least, as bad as The Osbournes, but the constant played-in soundtrack almost makes it like they're doing a show for a totally different audience.

Some boxer called Joe has tuned up to give a prize for International album - is he the one that Noel Gallagher really, really, really loves?

Another prize for the Kings Of Leon. And they make a bloody meal of sloping down to pick it up. Come on, guys, there's a schedule to keep to here. If you take too long to get on stage, we're going to end up with credits running over the Pet Shop Boys.

Kings Of Leon thank England for the prize. Dude, there's a reason they're called the Brits, you know.

And they thank bloody Columbia again.

People are now running through the audience with lamps. Exciting! Is it a raid? Is it the police? Are Jack and the boys going to set fire to the stage?

Oh, no, it's Take That from the Marks and Spencers adverts.

9.00
Take That are wearing spectacles and floating in the air. Like secretaries who only need to be told they're beautiful and, simultaneously, rescued by the fire brigade.

Actually, that platform doesn't look too safe, to be honest. Health and safety, anyone?

9.05
CMQueen suggests that the spaceship is a dig at Robbie Williams.

Ooh, they're ascending now. Hope they don't win best live show, otherwise they're going to need rope ladders to get down.

Nick Frost presenting now - probably glad to not be forced to back up Simon Pegg, although it might be a sign they're running short of people willing to head out to give awards in return for a nasty meal and a goodie bag. This is the best live prize.

Is it just me, or does every time Scouting For Girls pop up in a nominations clip, does your belief in British music die a little more?

Iron Maiden have won this prize - they pick it up on film. "We can't be there" they explain, listing international tour dates for the overseas sales. When did Iron Maiden last win a prize, exactly?

The Maiden do a bit of business with Eddie zapping them all into smoke, which must count as the most "one for the fans" Brits moment ever.

9.10
David Hasselhoff is on now - tomorrow night, he's doing the One Show. It's all go for him, isn't it? He seems to think that we care what he might have to say.

He's only introducing the best british band prize, but he's written a speech as if it was first contact.

Wouldn't it be nice if Elbow won this? Unlikely, but nice.

Oh... well, that's a surprise. It *is* Elbow.

"It's nice to know quality music gets recognised, even if it takes ten years or so" says Fearne - i think she means Elbow's success, but it sounds like she's suggesting you only get a decent artist winning a Brit once a decade.

Guy Garvey has the air of a man who had thought all he'd get this evening would be the free beer.

9.15
Twitter applauding the Elbow win. Kings Of Leon come on. Time for a pee, I think.

9.20
You see? Dull but inappropriate personal information can thrive on long form blogs as well as it does on Twitter.

The Kings Of Leon's performance is the only straight one so far tonight - and after all the costumes, and saluting and feathers, it's refreshing to see a band who are happy to perform as a band. Pity they're just not very good.

Hasslehoff flirting with Fearne Cotton. Who knew there was a 'down' from Holmes and YoYo slathering over Kylie?

9.22
Rory Cellan-Jones is apparently using the Brits as background noise: "perfect TV to watch when doing something else(blogging about myspace), requires no concentration whatsoever".

Another Craig David joke. Perhaps not listening might work for us all.

The Critics Choice award now - pre-ordained to go to Florence and the Machine. In return, they get three seconds of a video played. "There is no machine" observes Shawndra, as ITV blank out the soundtrack again. If the critics really love them - and they should - couldn't they have a, you know, slot to play some music? Wouldn't that be a good idea?

But they have to chase Florence off, to make room for Gok Wan. "Do you look good naked?" asks Gok. It's the music industry, Gok. You don't want to picture the head of A&R fromanywhere anything other than fully dressed.

International male, is it? Do they check Beck is still alive before they pop him on the shortlist each year?

Kanye West couldn't even be arsed to find a decent place to film the acceptance video - it looks like he's in his garage.

"It's time" warns Kylie "for one of those unique collaborations that can only happen at the Brits."

Ting Tings and Estelle, then.

The Ting Tings, hilariously, in today's Guardian claim to still feel like outsiders. Estelle seems to have just been told to sing her song over the top of Shut Up And Let Me Go. they said at the start this was the first time they'd performed together - who knew that meant they hadn't even rehearsed?

9.30
How far doesn't this work? MDG27 is begging for the Klaxons and Rihanna gto come back.

Ouch - an awful crunch of gears into That's Not My Name. You'd have thought they'd at least get Estelle to do the singing bit... oh, she just has, and she's out of tune.

9.35
ChuckDarw1n pointing out Twitter is putting him off the idea of watching the Brits on TV.

Alan Carr is giving the best single prize - the only one that we're to suppose hadn't been leaked beforehand, anyway. Nice to hear a reference to High And Mighty, the bigfatbloke trouser shop.

What have the people done to us? Its... Girls Aloud, winning for Promises. "It's official" says Fearne "Girls Aloud are national treasures." Because they won an ITV phone vote? Don't they only exist because of an ITV phone vote?

You're doing a boring list of thanks. You're never having an award again. "This", apparently, "is the cherry on the cake."

9.40
"It's the one we've all been waiting for" says Kylie... has the last hour and forty minutes been nothing more than an empty sham, them? [Runs through Sky+] Oh.

Tom Jones has come on, trying to make a lewd remark about Girls Aloud but accidentally winding up sounding quite sweet.

This is album of the year, by the way.

Maiko Miyabi has it about right:
Tom Jones = hasn't it been a great night? Audience = indifferent.

Bloody hell, Duffy wins again.

Fearne puts it into context, with all these awards she's entered an exalted plane occupied by the likes of Robbie Williams and, erm, The Darkness. So: scrubbing floors and hiding from blinking lights in twelve months, then?

Duffy is trying to claim that she paid her dues - "I travelled this country playing my songs to old ladies who are probably watching this saying that they'd heard my songs"... okay, we were wrong, Duffy. Don't prepare anything. You're better winging it.

Fearne announces the next performance will go down in Brits history. Shouldn't we at least wait until it's happened before popping it into the history books?

9.44
Scott Mills off the radio is chivving the Girls Aloud: "Sarah Harding seems to be having fun anyway. May be the others could follow her lead..." Only it's not Scott, of course, he's too grand to update his own Twitterfeed.

9.46
"How many of the top ten bands are British?" asks the trail for the News At Ten. Please keep watching! Nobody ever watches us! We'll talk about pop, if you like that.

Brandon Flowers looks like Maxwell Demon as he comes on to give a prize to the Pet Shop Boys for still going. Flowers is detailing this one time he was in a record shop trying to choose between The Pet Shop Boys and The Smiths and... oh, he chose the Pet Shop Boys. Has Flowers *really* always believed Chris Lowe to be some "sort of wizard"? Really?

Oh, please just bring them on.

They're accepting a big floating heads on the screen! This is what we want! And now Lady GaGa has come out of their giant floating head. (No, not really, it's just Chris in a wig.)

if you must do gimmicks, make them great gimmicks.

Louis Walsh looks confused and a little frightened.

Unfortunately, it sounds a little less than Earls Court filling.

Suburbia.

9.50
Neil Tennant's coat looks a bit like a DIY bondage outfit. Not self-bondage; bondage with DIY equipment.

You have to wonder if they should try giving this award to Erasure next year. Clearly, nobody under the age of thirty is going to make it to the end of the event, so inviting along someone to do a bit of a Stars On 45 of their greatest, mostly forgotten hits is quite a nice way to end.

Go West has brought more marching people onto the stage - perhaps they're being drilled by U2 backstage?

9.55
Here's Lady GaGa, singing What Have I Done To Deserve This, as, erm Gordon Smart didn't announce exclusively in the Sun. Presumably, though, she'll have to come back to do more than just a couple of lines?

Brandon Flowers is now on, having a crack at making It's A Sin a little less in tune. He bought a Pet Shops Boy best of back when he was a kid, you know.

9.57
Actually... I think I'd have preferred a reminder of a couple of the truly great songs they've done, rather than being reminded of snatches of absolutely every thing they ever released.

Another shot of Matt Lucas, and David Walliams jiggling about pretending that he doesn't think he's the Chris Lowe of his double act.

GaGa back for West End Girls. Did I mention she was wearing a waste-paper basket on her head?

10.00
And there's the closing credits... is nobody going to actually say goodbye to us? That's just bad manners, surely?

So, what was that, then? Not a car-crash like last years, just rolling on, in a safe way. And even the Pet Shop Boys felt like they wound up not going anywhere - particularly with all the excitement over the collaborations turning into little more than a couple of lines being sung along. And surely Neil Tenant knows that you need to have a crescendo to end on? Some balloons or something?

Jemima Kiss tweets "The Brits is just a dirty great marketing exercise. Fifty teens at the front & the rest of the audience is suits. I prefer Dicky Atten'bro." - but she forgets to mention the fifty teens are hand-picked from the Brits school.

Actually, that was missing this year, wasn't it? Normally they throw in one or two mentions of the Brits school, to make it look like the event is a charitable bash, and to pretend the UK music industry is investing in talent - not a word this year. Why so quiet?

10.15
There's now a Brits hashdictionary entry.

Gordon in the morning: Your cut-out-and-throw-away guide to the Brits

It's Brits day, the most important day in the year for record company executives and Gordon has published a small guide to everything you need to know.

Like Coldplay being involved, for example. That tells you all you need to know.

Coldplay are thinking of doing something nice for their fans. Chris Martin is worried about the high cost of tickets:

“What we want to do is try to giveaway a live album for free.

“We’re playing a lot of shows in the summer and I think what we would like to do is — bearing in mind the recession we are in — record the live album then give it as a gift.

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“We are just trying to work out how to do that.

“It’s obviously a bit tricky in terms of record contracts and things but it would be great.

“It’s a way of saying thank you.

“It’s a tough economy and people are paying a lot of money for tickets.

“We are trying to work out a way that, when you hand your ticket in at the door, you get given the recording.

“It would be such a cool thing to do.

“We just feel really grateful at the moment for all the support we get from our fans.”

Actually, that is quite a nice gesture, but to be honest: if you're worried that your fans are paying a large price for tickets for the gig, why not just drop the ticket price?

You know who the real losers will be, though? The poor music lovers who've been dragged to a Coldplay gig by loved ones or children who actually like the band and will not only have to sit through a show, but will have an album of live Coldplay foisted on them, too.

Coldplay's life right now? It's crazy, right Chris?

Chris adds: “We are touring until November. We fly straight to Australia after the Brits, which is crazy."

God, yeah. That's absolutely crazy. Getting into a plane and flying across to do some work in a foreign country. It's not like people in every field of business do that every day, is it?

With a straight face, the Kings Of Leon try to pretend that the Brits mean more to them than The Grammys:

Frontman Caleb says: “We always knew The Brits was the Grammys of the UK. So we basically knew that was our Grammy. It was always the biggest shot that we had."

Actually, that sounds more like they'd assumed the qualifying bar had been set lower for winning a Brit. Still, it's nice that Caleb knows to flatter the provincial audience.

It's funny that one-third of Gordon's Brit coverage is handed over to the Kings Of Leon, though - wasn't Gordon saying just the other day how there's so much major British talent you can hardly find space to fit it all in?

The Pet Shop Boys interview is palmed off to Chris Stroud - somehow, had Gordon written it, I doubt you'd have got a plug for the Friendly Fires in there. And you can't go wrong with Neil and Chris:

Singer Neil, 54, explains: “Chris never usually gets excited about awards. When we won for West End Girls, he watched the event from the comfort of his living room.

“He’s coming this time, though. If you’ve got the entire music industry saying they quite like what you’ve done over the years, you can’t be too cynical.”

Chris, 49, says: “I thought they only gave this kind of award to rock bands.

“It was a real surprise. But it’s also our silver jubilee this year. So I reckon we should stage some street parties to mark the occasion.”

Gordon, meanwhile, is sticking himself in the middle of his story about Ant and Dec releasing 'competing' charity singles for charity. The pair are trying to help out cash-strapped ITV, and raise awareness of the plight of a channel too often ignored in these days of well-crafted entertainment. "It's all too easy to turn away from ITV, especially when times are hard and you feel you've heard all their stories too many times. We just want people to give them a second chance" explained Ant.

Gordon's teamed up with Ant, or possibly Dec, to throw his support behind his record rather than Dec's. Or possibly Ant's. It's not like he's been assigned one by the PR team, though. Oh, no:

Dec is a good man, but he lost the vote of me and every other bloke in the UK when he started dating Sky Sports stunner GEORGIE THOMPSON.

"Oh, yes, I shan't be buying that young man's charity record, as he has apparently had a date with somebody I've never heard off from the football programme."
Here's Gordon and TV's Ant "at Bizarre HQ". Gordon is explaining the ancient craft of journalism to Dec - "and then you click on the little pair of scissors, and then come back here and click on the pot of glue, and change all the bits where it says 'Heat has been told' to 'I, Gordon, have been told'..."

Gordon in the morning: Profumo in the country

You've got to love the Pet Shop Boys, choosing Nothing Has Been Proved for their Brits performance - rounding off the 2009 British Music Industry Awards show with a twenty year old song about a scandal in the Macmillan cabinet feels like a tongue has been affixed firmly in cheek. Gordon, of course, has to explain the song for his readers:

The song is about 1963 political sex scandal the Profumo Affair, which blew up after minister John Profumo had a fling with showgirl CHRISTINE KEELER.

You might spend half a day pondering why Keeler gets her name in capitals while Profumo doesn't. Perhaps Smart's version of Word automatically caps any showgirl's name?

Of course, he doesn't waste too much time sticking 'The Profumo Affair starring John Profumo' into Google, as what's really important is that we might see a bra while the song is being performed:

LADY GAGA has won the race to perform with PET SHOP BOYS at Wednesday’s Brits – promising the raunchiest show ever.

This comes under the unlikely headline:

Pet Shops Boys Gaga-ing for it

Um... Gordon... you do know the Pet Shop Boys are... oh, never mind. Never mind.

Scientists do assure me, by the way, that by the end of the year headline-writers will be able to come up with a headline other than "Gaga-ing for it" whenever Lady GaGa makes an appearance. "That," explained Professor Finebold, who holds the Our Price Chair in advanced Chartology, "or mysteriously you won't be hearing anything about her by then. Like Princess Superstar."

So anyway, Gordon, "raunchy", you say?

And a Brits insider said: “It is going to be the raunchiest show the Brits has ever seen.

“The organisers wanted a female singer who would really shock to sing this track about the Keeler sex scandal.

“GaGa is the girl. She will be perfect. Don’t expect many clothes.”

The Brits organisers really sat down and said "this song is about a 1963 political scandal really needs to have a shocking singer to perform it. It is, after all, about sex." On the same basis, if the Boys had chosen Go West, they'd have had to have got in Dave Prowse to do the singing.

And how, exactly, is Lady GaGa going to "shock"? While it's always nice to see attractive people dressed briefly, it's not like "woman in underwear on stage" is really going to make the BPI's guests drop their monocles in horror, is it? Now, if they'd got Katherine Jenkins, for example, and she came on in tassles and a thong, there might be some shock. But Lady GaGa? A little ho-hum, surely?

Gordon also has the news of the theme of this year's show: Sweaty executives wondering how much they dare put on expenses. Sorry: Glastonbury.

Presenters JAMES CORDEN and MATHEW HORNE — fronting the ceremony with KYLIE MINOGUE — will jump from a caravan to host the event.

Ah, and that would be the gap between the music industry and the people who keep them in business. Us lot? We associate Glastonbury with camping.

The set will have a pyramid shape — like Glasto’s iconic stage — and will be filled with farm animals and other props more likely to be seen in the countryside than at a glamorous London award show.

Except there aren't any farm animals at Glastonbury because they're all taken to other farms. You've got love Gordon's vague "other props more like to be seen...", though. I wonder what these typical countryside "props" will be?

Let's exclusively reveal those props in full:

- An 18th century coaching inn converted into a private house for a now-disgraced middle-ranking HBOS banker
- A bus-stop (disused since 1986)
- A Daily Mail journalist writing an article, surprised that it's possible to get heroin as much as ten miles from the nearest town
- A blameless woman trying to contain her anger as some people from London make jokes about inbreeding
- The corpses of the Famous Five, laying undiscovered since 1971, when they found out the hard way that you couldn't stop your food becoming contaminated with salmonella simply by putting it behind a waterfall
- Three men complaining bitterly about the European Union
- Senior Tories shooting things and hoping nobody recognises them
- Otis Ferry punching a badger
- A guy from Bovis putting up some signs

It should be brilliant

Gordon in the morning: Rapid comebacks

It's worth keeping an eye on Gordon Smart's Bizarre column to be first with the news, you know. Alongside a piece that hints that Blur might get back together - something that hasn't been the subject of a million pieces of coverage in the last week all over the net - is a report that Ultravox are reuniting. Which was announced over a week ago. I can only presume it's taken so long to make it to Smart's column as it has taken a while for the completion of the diligent fact-checking for which Gordon is known.

Still, Gordo does have a decent story about Girls Aloud being set-up to perform as part of the Pet Shop Boys coronation as 'band to satisfy ITV's regular audience by reminding them of their kids' youth' in next year's Brits:

The PET SHOP BOYS, to be honoured with an Outstanding Contribution gong, want them to help perform What Have I Done To Deserve This?

Wouldn’t West End Girls Aloud be more appropriate?

It's been apparent from Gordon's writing that his sense of humour might not function like normal people's, but does he really not see why picking up a lifetime achievement award by playing What Have I Done To Deserve This is witty enough on its own?

Catatonia Bank Holiday: What Have I Done To Deserve This?

Glastonbury, 2000. Pet Shop Boys on stage. Clearly, they're not going to bring out Dusty Springfield - so who will be doing the female vocal on What I Have Done To Deserve This?

Obviously, it's going to be Cerys Matthews, otherwise it wouldn't be here as part of a bunch of Catatonia stuff, would it?

It's also a rare chance to enjoy the UK Play dog from when the channel was (a) still on and (b) branded in the same way as the rest of the UK TV family. If, erm, you like that sort of thing.



[Part of the Catatonia Bank Holiday]

Bearobit: Dainton Connell

Dainton Connell, for two decades a member of the Pet Shop Boys team, has died in a car accident in Moscow.

Originally part of the band's security before becoming a personal assistant, the man who was known as the Bear is the subject of a eulogy on the official Pet Shop Boys site:

Chris Lowe and Neil Tennant are "devastated" by this tragic news. They had known Dainton for almost 20 years, during which time he had worked for Pet Shop Boys as security and later as personal assistant. He was also a close friend.

"Dainton was a warm, kind, loveable friend, a huge Arsenal fan and a larger-than-life character, famous in North London and beyond. We are devastated by his sudden and tragic death and our thoughts and condolences are with his wife, Mandy, and their family."

Dainton was being driven to a nightclub by Anton Antonov when Antonov lost control. The car hit a tree, crashed through a barrier and plunged into a river; medical reports suggest both men were dead after the impact of hitting the tree.

[Thanks to Karl T for the story]

Something to listen to: Popjustice integrates PSB

Over on Popjustice for a limited* period, a remix of Itegral by the Pet Shop Boys. A strange, strange remix.

(*we don't know how limited, it could be as long as there's electricity. But it'll die one day. Everyone dies.)

Summer Sonic: Life beyond the 'No Mosh'

Phil S - who used to send us reviews from Japan a while back - has got back in touch with something from Makukari's Summer Sonic Festival. It's good to have you back, Phil

The Summer Sonic festival takes places in Makukari, Chiba prefecture, just outside Tokyo. This does not deter every performer I see from shouting "Hello Tokyo! / Tokyo you are a better audience than Osaka! / Tokyo make some noise!" It's like a band at Reading saying "Good evening London are you ready to rark?" Anyway, it is incredibly hot here, temperatures up to around 35 degrees. Good range of bands across the umpteen stages. A good day out overall - I make the commute from west Tokyo, leaving just after 8 am and getting home about 1 am. Also, a very clean festival - no litter, no smoking in arenas, no "mosh" as the signs put it, no pushing .... but loads of tasty food options, clean WCs - and generally as well organised as most Japanese events are. A chance to catch up with some old stagers (feeling my age a bit) and some newer faces on the scene, man, as well as some stuff which had slipped under my radar. Here's how it unfolded for me:

TWANG

First up, the Twang in the stadium in the noonday furnace. We sneak a crafty can of lager in and watch as they swagger about up there. First time for me to hear and see Twang, and not that impressed really; for me it's Oasis meets Simple Minds with a hint of U2 and Streets flavouring. There's a Bez type character rabble-rousing and cheerleading, throwing hooligan shapes and contributing the odd background vocal. I think they need to add another flavour or too - it's too predictable despite some funky tempo changes mid-song. My pal likes it though and he's a hard-rock fan.

POLYPHONIC SPREE

Then, swaying a little in the heat, we head out, walking along the dual carriageway to the Messe (conference centre) where most of the indoor stages are, and we catch the Polyphonic Cacophony, as I have renamed them. 22 of them on stage, so it's not dull to look at, but my god have they turned it up to 11. So loud! The singer has one of those whiny Flaming Rev Grandaddy voices and is frankly irritating, running around the stage, punching the air with both hands together. It is a terrible racket really - they are going for something symphonic and inspirational, but it all gets lost in the mix. Less is more as my pal says. The "Lithium" cover is a novelty but overall the Spree was a punishing 40 minutes.

BRETT ANDERSON

A quick break for a bowl of Okinawa pork on rice, and then back to see Brett Anderson rock the Sonic Stage. Seeing him prowl to the chilly prowl of set-opener "To The Winter" was a revelation. What a confident performer he is - you wouldn't know his solo album had failed to break the top 10. I'm a long-time fan, and like this show a lot - about half and half solo tracks from the album and half non-Bernard Butler Suede tuneage, which the crowd love. "Can't Get Enough" is a furious romp, "Everything Will Flow" is a romp, and then a triple "Coming Up" hat-trick of beautiful trash on a Saturday night round things off. "I'd like to play longer, but can't because of curfews and that shit", says Brett. Rock and roll!

BLOC PARTY

Next we make the hike back to the baseball stadium and sit under the sun to watch the earnest, impassioned Bloc Party, who I don't really get. I'm not familiar with their stuff, and although there are a couple of points where it all makes sense, overall it's fiddly, not very tuneful and I don't think Kele can really sing very well.

MANIC STREET PREACHERS

The sounds of Prince's new record fill the air as the Manic Street Preachers prepare for action. Kicking off with "You Love Us", they turn in a professional performance of straightahead rock music! J D Bradfield is still a powerful vocalist and coruscating guitar player, and N Jones is wearing a skirt and striding exaggeratedly around the stage. "Ocean Spray" is dedicated to Mitsuhiro Ikeda, photographer, and has a cool sax solo. The new stuff sounds good: "Autumnsong" has a Guns N Roses vibe, and it's a shame Nina Persson hasn't made the trip to help out on "Your Love Alone is not Enough". Of all the bands I see on Sunday the Manics are the one whose CD I fish out in the next few days. This has me rediscovering them - a top melodic rock band with cutting edge.

CYNDI LAUPER / VITALIC / MOTORHEAD

Still, we don't stay for all their set as my pal wants to head back indoors to catch Motorhead, poor feller. I leave him to Lemmy and the boys and catch the last couple of tunes from Cyndi Lauper. From the back of the hall I can't make out much but she seems to be having a ball up there. "Time after Time" is acoustic and lovely, but let down when she calls Conor Oberst on stage (he'd played the Sonic Stage just before Cyndi) to add some horrible harmonies to the chorus. He later goes down with a fever and pulls out of the V Festival. She finishes with "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun" (that guitar intro is iconic - the Strokes came on stage to it at Zepp Tokyo about five years ago and it sounded amazing) where lots of females young and old dance around the stage with Cyndi. Can't help but smile. As I leave the hall I overhear a Japanese young man marvel at these veteran 80s pop acts...

Motorhead are still doing their stuff on the Mountain Stage, so I wander into the Dance Stage hall where Vitalic is on stage, a bald fellow pumping out some thumping minimal (?) techno in front of a screen. Two songs is all I can take, but the crowd are well into it.

After Motorhead finish I catch up with my pal - he liked it a lot. Lots of short songs, fun banter from Lemmy, and the "Ace of Spades" too. Quieter than the Polychaotic Spree too, apparently.

UNKLE

An hour to kill before Tennant and Lowe headline the Sonic Stage, so en route to the food stalls for a steak sarnie and beer, we hop into the Dance Stage to see UNKLE. I liked their track with Ian Brown, "Be There", but didn't know much else. We watch about three tracks - they are now a full band, dressed in black, with two guys (one of whom might be J Lavelle?) on computer and "decks" maybe. For some reason I think Death in Vegas when I first see them. A diffident bloke sings live on one track, then on another Ian Astbury appears on the screen to sing "Burn my Shadow" which is pretty cool and propulsive. The live drums work well. Quite dark and intense all around, and not as popular with the dance crowd as Vitalic. Time for a beer, we think.

PET SHOP BOYS

We take our Heinekens close to the front for the Pet Shop Boys. I've followed their career since 1985 and this is the first time I've seen them live. It's a good show - two young energetic male dancers work through inventive routines, Sylvia Mason-James and two male backing singers fill out the stage with some never overdone screen visuals behind. The PSB do a greatest hits set with not many post-1992 tunes - sadly none of their slower killers like "Being Boring" or even "London", which would have replaced the slightly dull "Minimal" / "Shopping" part of the set. The hall is rammed, Neil Tennant's vocals are spot on, and Chris does a wicked "Paninaro". Apparently the last date of their "Fundamental" world tour, this would seem a good send-off. The final "Go West" is immense and a massive crowd favourite. Beaming faces, hands in the air everywhere I look. And Sylvia Mason-James has an incredible voice. In a fairer world she would have a glittering solo career.

We wander back to the main baseball stadium where Arctic Monkeys have headlined above Kasabian, who seem to play Summer Sonic every year. We hear the Offspring mugging their way through "Pretty Fly for a White Guy" from the Mountain Stage as we amble onwards. One last beer at the outdoor bar with my pal, my pal's lady and her pals (who loved the Monkeys and Kasabian) .... and then I make the 90 minute trip home. A suitably super Summer Sonic Sunday!

Damon slams Pet Shop door

Who knows the real reason why Daon Albarn has blocked the Pet Shop Boys from using their Girls And Boys on the new remix album. The Sun has a source which says it knows:

A source said: “Damon complained that they had made the song sound like their own.

“He was also annoyed when he heard NEIL TENNANT supported OASIS in their Nineties chart battle with Blur. Neil said Damon was pretentious.

“He’s just proved him right.”

I'm sure Neil Tennant would be the first to point out that, erm, there's not actually anything pretentious in refusing to allow a track to appear on a compilation album. Like The Sun, we don't really have a clue why he's said no, either, but we'd guess it's more likely to be because Albarn doesn't really like the track, has come to see it as a bit of an albatross round his neck, and would rather concentrate on animated monkey operas or whatever it is he's doing now.

Go back West

Things are a bit itchy between Russia and Estonia at the moment, with that moving of the bronze soldier commemorating Soviet war dead being just the focus of a long list of grievances between the two nations.

So it probably wasn't wise of Neil Tennant to turn up to play Tallinn and start addressing the crowd in Russian.

Victoria Newton has some fun at Neil's expense, rustling up an outraged fan:

One insulted fan vowed to throw her Pet Shop Boys CD collection into the Baltic Sea.

But perhaps Neil has an excuse for not knowing about the recent native Russian riots in the city - maybe he relies on a newspaper which hasn't mentioned them. Like, ooh, The Sun, for example, which has only mentioned 'Estonia' six times on its news pages this year - twice to mention that its the only place in the EU (along with Ireland) with more muggings than the UK, once to acknowledge the nation taking part in the Afghanistan war, twice in some story about football, and once in a story about a rape.

Hot shot boys: Tennant and Lowe cheat death, a bit

As if the story about the flaming meteor shards nearly hitting a plane wasn't enough to spark a whole revival of the Airport movie franchise, the sizzling space rock nearly took out official national pop heroes.

Yes, The Pet Shop Boys were on the plane. How did they cope with such a terrifying ordeal? Neil reveals all:

“We were blissfully unaware of it. We didn’t know anything had happened until the next morning when the waitress at breakfast said, ‘Are you glad to be alive?’

“Then we realised with horror what had happened. Our friends and families started calling us in a panic to find out if we were OK.”

Hats off to the graphics department at the Sun for managing to produce a fairly accurate illustration of the crisis: