Gordon in the morning: Profumo in the country

You've got to love the Pet Shop Boys, choosing Nothing Has Been Proved for their Brits performance - rounding off the 2009 British Music Industry Awards show with a twenty year old song about a scandal in the Macmillan cabinet feels like a tongue has been affixed firmly in cheek. Gordon, of course, has to explain the song for his readers:

The song is about 1963 political sex scandal the Profumo Affair, which blew up after minister John Profumo had a fling with showgirl CHRISTINE KEELER.

You might spend half a day pondering why Keeler gets her name in capitals while Profumo doesn't. Perhaps Smart's version of Word automatically caps any showgirl's name?

Of course, he doesn't waste too much time sticking 'The Profumo Affair starring John Profumo' into Google, as what's really important is that we might see a bra while the song is being performed:

LADY GAGA has won the race to perform with PET SHOP BOYS at Wednesday’s Brits – promising the raunchiest show ever.

This comes under the unlikely headline:

Pet Shops Boys Gaga-ing for it

Um... Gordon... you do know the Pet Shop Boys are... oh, never mind. Never mind.

Scientists do assure me, by the way, that by the end of the year headline-writers will be able to come up with a headline other than "Gaga-ing for it" whenever Lady GaGa makes an appearance. "That," explained Professor Finebold, who holds the Our Price Chair in advanced Chartology, "or mysteriously you won't be hearing anything about her by then. Like Princess Superstar."

So anyway, Gordon, "raunchy", you say?

And a Brits insider said: “It is going to be the raunchiest show the Brits has ever seen.

“The organisers wanted a female singer who would really shock to sing this track about the Keeler sex scandal.

“GaGa is the girl. She will be perfect. Don’t expect many clothes.”

The Brits organisers really sat down and said "this song is about a 1963 political scandal really needs to have a shocking singer to perform it. It is, after all, about sex." On the same basis, if the Boys had chosen Go West, they'd have had to have got in Dave Prowse to do the singing.

And how, exactly, is Lady GaGa going to "shock"? While it's always nice to see attractive people dressed briefly, it's not like "woman in underwear on stage" is really going to make the BPI's guests drop their monocles in horror, is it? Now, if they'd got Katherine Jenkins, for example, and she came on in tassles and a thong, there might be some shock. But Lady GaGa? A little ho-hum, surely?

Gordon also has the news of the theme of this year's show: Sweaty executives wondering how much they dare put on expenses. Sorry: Glastonbury.

Presenters JAMES CORDEN and MATHEW HORNE — fronting the ceremony with KYLIE MINOGUE — will jump from a caravan to host the event.

Ah, and that would be the gap between the music industry and the people who keep them in business. Us lot? We associate Glastonbury with camping.

The set will have a pyramid shape — like Glasto’s iconic stage — and will be filled with farm animals and other props more likely to be seen in the countryside than at a glamorous London award show.

Except there aren't any farm animals at Glastonbury because they're all taken to other farms. You've got love Gordon's vague "other props more like to be seen...", though. I wonder what these typical countryside "props" will be?

Let's exclusively reveal those props in full:

- An 18th century coaching inn converted into a private house for a now-disgraced middle-ranking HBOS banker
- A bus-stop (disused since 1986)
- A Daily Mail journalist writing an article, surprised that it's possible to get heroin as much as ten miles from the nearest town
- A blameless woman trying to contain her anger as some people from London make jokes about inbreeding
- The corpses of the Famous Five, laying undiscovered since 1971, when they found out the hard way that you couldn't stop your food becoming contaminated with salmonella simply by putting it behind a waterfall
- Three men complaining bitterly about the European Union
- Senior Tories shooting things and hoping nobody recognises them
- Otis Ferry punching a badger
- A guy from Bovis putting up some signs

It should be brilliant