That's Christmas ruined

From MTV:

Gwyneth Paltrow shared a video of her daughter playing the guitar, proving she's inherited dad Chris Martin's music skills.

Gordon in the morning: It's an outrage

Something terrible happened, and Gordon is outraged:

CHRIS MARTIN and GWYNETH PALTROW walked through the door of London member’s club Mark’s separately and once inside, they didn’t pose with each other for pics.

Imagine that! They didn't try to force each other through the doorway at the same time, and then refused to dance a jig for your photographers?

The shame.

Still, Gordon looks on the bright side:

but at least they were out together.

I'm sure they'll be grateful for your concern.

Gordon in the morning: Footballing metaphors

According to this morning's Bizarre, Chris Martin feels that Coldplay are the Manchester United of pop:

“I was talking to my dad about Manchester United — the most popular football team in the world — and when they show up at West Ham they get booed.

“I was thinking, ‘Well, it’s the same for us’.”

Surely it's not, though? Manchester United get booed by the crowd at the West Ham because they're playing in front of a crowd that, for a large part, actively support a different team. If Coldplay turned up to somehow try and beat, say, Kasabian in a competition, you'd expect the Kasabian supporters too boo the other side.

I don't really follow football, but even I wouldn't expect opposition supporters to cheer Manchester United just because they're more popular than the team that they follow.

The Manchester United comparison is apt, though: they, too, have a massive following which comprises mainly of people with no emotional connection but who, thinking they should support someone, have simply picked the winning team.

Gordon in the morning: Coldplay bangle fandango

The phrase "very Spinal Tap" is lobbed around when talking about bands far too easily, but the Coldplay wristband story does have an undeniably Tapesqueishness* to it.

Everyone going to see Coldplay on tour gets given a flashing wristband. Only, as Gordon reports:

The gadget — which lights up during their live shows — is costing the band a fortune.
[...]
Chris Martin said: “Most of the money we’re earning on the tour is put into the wristbands.

“We have to figure out how to keep it going without going broke because it’s a crucial part of the concert.”

I suspect Martin is perhaps overstating his potential ruin here - based on a quick look round the internet, it'd be unlikely that these things would cost £2 a pop, at the most, so it'd be more a nibble at margin rather than a shortcut to the poorhouse. Unless they've cut a really bad deal with a supplier.

At the same time, Chris Martin reveals what he doesn't like his audience doing:

Chris also reveals he is OK with fans recording the gigs on their iPhones — but he can’t accept his audience texting.

He said: “The only thing I fear is texting. If they are texting they are not enjoying the music.”

If the audience is bored to the point of sending 'please rescue me' texts, that's not really the audience's fault, is it?

* - oddly, the spellcheck rejects Tapesqueishness.

Gordon in the morning: Fair warning

Exciting times at Wapping as Rupert Murdoch arrives, announcing plans to relaunch the News Of The World under a slightly different name. For too long, we've not known the contents of dead girl's telephones; thank Christ Murdoch is going to put that right.

Still, it's easy to knock this latest escalation of hubris - is superhubris a thing? - but sometimes Gordon and The Sun does provide a valuable public service. Not just by providing enough journalists suspected of criminal wrongdoing to keep dozens of police in work, but also by offering warnings like this one:

Chris Martin and Noel Gallagher team up for Brits

In other words: keep your remote controls close, to save having to dive for the off-switch.

Gordon in the morning: Chris Martin isn't wrong

From Gordon, Chris Martin on Lady GaGa:

"I just admire all of the hats and the dresses and the madness and everything because I know that underneath it all she can beat me at writing choruses."

Chris, sweetheart, the kids in my schoolplayground who wrote 'bum, tit, tit/ bum, tit, tit/ turn your willy round' beat you at writing choruses.

Gordon in the morning: We all live in the space-age

You'd have thought that George Michael would be getting the best possible care, but perhaps not, if we're to believe Gordon:

Space-age kit protects star

Space-age? What, they've lobbed him in equipment from the late 1950s?

It turns out he means "modern".

Justwait until Gordon sees TV dinners - crazy times, all on one plastic tray.

In other news, Chris Martin has been doing the aw-shucks-lil'ol-me routine again:

Chris said: "I'd just be terrible [as a solo artist]. I don't think I could even get a gig in Butlins — and I've been to Butlins. I think me and my keyboard would be outside Woolworths most days, getting shouted at."

Woolworths? When did you last do any shopping, Chris?

The terrible thing is, Chris says this hoping we'll all look at the new Coldplay album and go "don't be silly", but instead most people whose ears function will be thinking "Woolworths? You'd be lucky not to be forced round the back of a Bejam."

Chris Martin overestimates himself again

Chris Martin reckons he knows his place:

Frontman Chris Martin told the crowd during the band's [Mencap Little Noise Sessions at St John-At-Hackney church] set: "We had to settle on being shit Radiohead. We're called that sometimes, you know."

Oh, Chris, the only time you're called a shit Radiohead is when people are being kind. Obviously, not very kind, then they'd say you're an underskilled Elbow; but generally, the idea of comparing Coldplay to Radiohead is a bit like looking at a calculator and assuming it's some sort of broken iPad.

Beyonce didn't get where she is today by recording rotten songs

Chris Martin tried to write for Beyonce, but Beyonce turned her nose up:

Well, I did write a song for Beyonce, but it got rejected by her A&R people. And the one I wrote for Rihanna didn't get rejected.

Apparently there are, like, barriers, man:

"It was when [Rihanna] was doing 'Rated R', but it took so long – there's still this tribalism in music where we're rock and you're hip hop, and sometimes it takes a while to get across those barriers."

I think you're confusing "barriers" with "quality thresholds", Chris.

Gordon in the morning: Coldplay under the influence

Coldplay held a press conference yesterday to launch their new album Fido Dido, and Gordon went along. That it was in Madrid might have added to the allure.

One of the big surprises was that Brian Eno tried hypnotising the band during the recording sessions:

Bass player Guy Berryman admitted yesterday that the band have reached a stage where they are open to outrageous ideas from the talented team around them to tap into new writing veins.

I'd have thought that was an admission they've more or less run out of steam, isn't it? "What can we do? How about if we dress up in wetsuits and stare at photos of kittens to see if that creates an idea?"

"Brian suggested we try playing together when we were hypnotised. One of his friends came down and we tried it out. Nothing came of it but at least we tried it."

I'm suprised none of the hypnosis tracks are on the record, because when I listen to it, I do find I feel sleepy, sleepy, very sleepy.

Meanwhile, Chris Martin was fuming at the idea that people think Coldplay little more than a reworking of other people's ideas:

He also hammered any suggestion that the band would ever copy other people's music.

He said: "It's fine not to like our band, but making up shit about us is not on. There's a difference between criticism and accusation. People who accuse us of stuff like that are *****, quite frankly."

I'm guessing that's going to be "cunts" - partly because it's clearly such a shocking word Gordon couldn't bring himself to even print the first letter, and partly because having been lazily homophobic and misusing disability language over the last couple of days, he's probably going for the clumsy sexist insult to get the treble.

Still, it's interesting that Chris gets so angry about people who accuse them of copying other bands. So much as to call them *****.

One of the biggest *****s would be, erm, Chris Martin who told Rolling Stone in 2005:

"We’re definitely good, but I don’t think you can say we’re that original,” he notes. “I regard us as being incredibly good plagiarists.”

He might also want to have a word with his bandmate Jonny Buckland, who admitted ripping off Kraftwerk:

"We've never so directly stolen off anyone before. We've never paid for our plagiarism."

What a *****.

Mind you, at the same time, Martin also chimed in with this:

"Fix You came directly from Elbow's Grace Under Pressure."

Hold up there, Chris: don't you know that there's a difference between admiration and plagiarism?

Chris Martin should try being quiet

Yesterday, Chris Martin was making hilarious jokes about being gay.

Today, he's misusing mental health terms:

He said: "It's definitely a schizophrenic album, it keeps changing sounds. That's why we called it such a strange thing, 'Mylo Xyloto'. Because we felt like so many people have already made up their minds about us, both good and bad, that we can sort of start again from scratch and try and reflect all the music we listen to and we love."

Let's keep this simple, Chris: even if "schizophrenic" did mean split personality, it'd still be shitty to use it to describe your record; that you're simultaneously misusing the word, and using it offensively really does hit the double.

Gordon in the morning: Ha ha, it's funny to call people gay

Gordon Smart has something of a scoop today, although he fails to recognise it. He was at the Q Awards yesterday:

CHRIS MARTIN has confessed Take That made him question his sexuality as a youngster.

The Coldplay star said his favourite bands growing up were "U2 and five handsome, strapping men from Stoke and Manchester".

With his tongue firmly in his cheek, he added: "I'm not afraid to admit it, they made me ask the question 'Am I gay?'"

It seems massively unlikely that Martin really did have U2 and Take That as his favourite bands growing up, and was just flattering people who happened to be in the room. It's also clear that he was trying to make something he might have thought was a joke.

But really, Chris? "I liked men making music - ha ha, it was like I was gay"? You can see the sort of audience that type of joke plays to, with Gordon slapping his leg and honking while stressing that it's okay - his tongue is in his cheek. He's not REALLY GAY.

It did get worse, though:

And drummer Larry Mullen JR didn't miss the open goal.

He had the crowd in stitches, joking: "Chris Martin, I have the answer for you — you are gay."

Yep. It's 2011, and Larry Mullen - one of the richest men in the world - thinks being gay is a punchline. And a room full of Gallaghers and Barlows honked their delight at such a witty retort.

Well done, Q. That's quite a party you threw there.

We might have some bad news for you, Coldplay

Chris Martin says he's not bothered about relevancy:

I don't really care anymore about being relevant. I'm just happy to be with that group of people. We're very fired up and we're very focussed and the people who want to enjoy our music, we love them and we welcome them. In terms of where we fit in? I don't care.

It's heartbreaking, isn't it? It's like when you see UKIP candidates in parliamentary elections and you think 'however awful you and your beliefs are, it's almost touching that you believe you're part of the actual political process. Bless you, you little, rabidly wrong sweetheart.'

When, exactly, did Martin think that Coldplay were "relevant"? And relevant to what? The only thing Coldplay have ever had an influence on was 'bands that sound like Coldplay', and at no point in recorded history has 'shaping a Snow Patrol rehearsal session' ever counted as 'being relevant'.

Gordon in the morning: Coldplay go punk

Look, everybody! It wasn't the fridge making that strange dirging noise all night, it was the return of Coldplay. Gordon is delighted by their re-emergence.

It's exciting, isn't it?

Last year Chris Martin [...] hinted the band were ready to show their rebellious side.

Ooh, rebellion, eh? Well, with the Arab Spring and the global austerity blanket, there's plenty of anger and revolution to channel. So what's the comeback single about, then?

The band revealed artwork for their upcoming single Every Teardrop Is a Waterfall yesterday

Every Teardrop Is... A Waterfall, you say? I imagine Cameron is gathering COBRA around him as we speak.

But hang about - we might be being a bit unfair, because while the music is the same, sappy, Young Fotherington-Thomas In Love, there's a new image. Right, Gordon?

[There are] shots of their brave new look.

A brave new look?

Wow, Chris Martin is wearing a denim jacket, like he's really not going to take any shit when he returns a packet of screws to B&Q. And someone's turned up wearing a jerkin.

Gordon, in what way is this "brave"?

[F]rontman Chris is sporting a new slicked back barnet - paying homage to CLASH rocker JOE STRUMMER.

Possibly Joe Strummer. Possibly whoever was batting seventh for Essex in the summer of 1958.

It's definitely going to get the Coldplay fans talking - and probably the Zoolander fashion crowd too.

It will get people talking - "I thought C&A had closed years ago", for example - but it's touching that Smart thinks that people interested in fashion are going to be that surprised by middle-aged men wearing clothes that try to recapture someone else's youth. Badly.

There's spray paint too, you'll have noticed. And only seven years after Starsailor did a Banksy-themed video.

Smart digs out a quote from Chris Martin last year where he warned that he wasn't going to "play it safe" any more. Gordon seems convinced that this is what Martin has done:

Sounds like a real punk ethos. Joe Strummer would have been proud.

Would he? Would he really?

[I]t could make for an interesting summer ahead if Coldplay are about to embrace the punk spirit.

He'll be telling us he's given up eating Fairtrade bananas next.

Their single is called Unicorns Are Pretty But Don't Touch The Sharp Horn, Gordon. They've not embraced the punk spirit, they've just hired a new stylist, and passed it off to gullible journalists as some sort of edgy new direction.

I suppose, to be fair, Malcolm McLaren would probably be grudgingly respectful.

Gordon in the morning: Your comeback is beinh geld in a queue

Six years ago, Liam Gallagher called Chris Martin a plantpot.

Now, Chris Martin has shot back.

After six years. Even BT customer services are faster than that.

Still, six years in production: it must be quite something he's come up with after that, right?

At a gig, he introduced one of his songs like this:

"This is a soppy song. I apologise but it's what Coldplay is all about, and it has made me mill... very happy. Hey, I've got to get paid for all the abuse I get from people like Liam Gallagher."

Wow. That's going to sting.

Then a bit later in he played Wonderwall. Maybe playing a song by Noel was meant to be a dig at Liam?

Coldplay: The key word here is "nearly"

Can you imagine anything worse than Chris Martin in a tizzy?

Coldplay's roadie Matt McGinn has revealed the band's lead singer Chris Martin once nearly came to blows with bassist Guy Berryman.

Once. Nearly.

It's hardly the stuff of rock memoirs, is it?

Which is unfortunate, as Matt McGinn has tried to write a rock memoir. With an echo of Lionel's book from As Time Goes By ("it's about my life in Kenya. It's called My Life In Kenya"), McGinn has gone with My Life On The Road With Coldplay. And the fight seems to be dramatic highlight:

Matt McGinn - the band's roadie - explained: "Chris temporarily lost touch with his niceness and called his friend a **** in so venomous a fashion that our loveable Caledonian felt moved to respond thus, 'I'm going to f***ing hit you in a minute'. 'Well go on then!' came the retort, sounding more like an order than an invite.

"B****y hell, here we go, I thought. Guy has confessed to me since that at this point he became so furious that anything could have happened, and he really wasn't much more than a kilt's width from braining Chris with his vintage Fender."

That's not even an almost fight. It barely constitutes name-calling. I've seen post-it notes in fridges which are more violent than this anecdote.

God love him, you've got admire a man who spent his life carting guitars for Chris Martin, but I can't see Hollywood turning up at McGinn's house with storyboards and chequebooks.

Gordon in the morning: Oldplay

Coldplay are busily working on a whole new album, you'll be thrilled to hear:

[Chris Martin] 33, said: "We're hungry and very fired up. In five years we'll be in our late 30s. You have to have your best work done by then."

You know what, Chris? I think you already have done your best work by then. In fact, I think you'd done your best work by the time you packed up that first evening back in Parr Street.

Still, Gordon is nodding sagely about this need to beat the clock:

He's got a point. Just look at the drop in quality from rock legends THE ROLLING STONES and BOB DYLAN when they hit mid life.

The Rolling Stones drop in quality, eh, Gordon? We can only assume you believe that Mick Jagger hit midlife sometime around last summer, as last May you were gnawing with excitement to find out what Jagger's session with Joss Stone would sound like:

I can’t wait to hear what they all come up with.

And Bono is 50, yet it doesn't seem to have stopped you fawning with delight every time he cranks out a musical burp.

Still, there's an undeniable hint of the midlife about the new Coldplay record. Or at least some sort of crisis, anyway:

CHRIS MARTIN has revealed the inspiration behind the band's risky fifth album is old school American graffiti.

The frontman said: "The ideas come from New York graffiti art of the Seventies where people were expressing themselves with paint.

"I've spent a lot of my life playing it a bit safe or conforming to something, even though I didn't agree with it.

"So I have respect and admiration for people who don't.

"It's about being free to be yourself and to express yourself among negative surroundings. Being able to speak out or follow your passion, even if everybody seems against it."

Really, Chris? The Coldplay body of work to date was all about playing it safe? Why, I'm sure nobody noticed.

Only a multisquillionaire would think that going into a warm, comfortable studio - having already made more than enough to see you through this and many other lifetimes - is on a par with risking your life and liberty when you have nothing to tag a subway car.

Gordon in the morning: Man says band are better than other band

Gordon's big splash this morning is Kanye West's sticky warm effusions about... it says Coldplay here. Can that be right?

"America has, and probably always will, dominate music across the globe but it's always been the British who pull out that very special band.

"We have had amazing bands like NIRVANA and GUNS N' ROSES but it's the British who have had the cream with The Beatles and THE ROLLING STONES setting the standard. I love Coldplay, and I honestly think they are on the same level as The Beatles."

Coldplay? Chris Martin and The Coldplays?

"In 30 years, when Coldplay are old men, people will look back and say, 'These guys were more talented than The Beatles.'"

"It was aaaaaallll Yelllow"? That Coldplay?

"I have worked with Chris Martin and the man is a genius - as a performer and a songwriter he is on the same level as JOHN LENNON."

Certainly, the best of Chris Martin's work this decade has been every bit as good as anything Lennon has done in the last ten years.

Kanye, of course, has decided that diamonds make better teeth than teeth do, so this shouldn't really come as too much of a surprise.

West goes on a bit more about how great Chris Martin is, for all the world like a man who only owns two records; a Coldplay one and Ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Da. Which surely would be the only way you'd place Coldplay and The Beatles in that way on the podium.

If you read me a lot, you'll know that I tend to the view that The Beatles are a bit overrated, and would question the assumption that they're the band against which all others should be measured.

But on the other hand: Tomorrow Never Knows. A Day In The Life. A four of fish and finger pies in summer. Against that whiny one, and the other whiny one, and, to be fair, The Scientist is alright?

Kanye hasn't finished, though. He's getting to the end of the comparative, and coming to the definitive:

"I am not saying this sort of s*** lightly, it's really how talented the guy is. And Coldplay can go down as the best ever - even bigger than The Beatles."

The best ever? The best ever band in the world? Did I suggest that Kanye only had two records? I must have overestimated; he can clearly only ever have heard Coldplay. God knows how this came about - perhaps he has badly damaged hearing which can only hear noises in the sound range of a plodding, low moan, and as such only Coldplay records make it into his register.

Even Gordon seems a bit taken aback:

That is a massive compliment, and a controversial pop view.

I'm a fan, but Chris Martin and co, despite selling millions of albums, divide opinion.

Actually, it's because of selling millions of albums. Had they sold a few hundred, people wouldn't even have an opinion on them.

Maybe Kanye's right. Perhaps Coldplay have hidden talents that only Kanye can see. We'd ask for clarification, but he's busy telling the people of Belgium why they should adopt a ravioli square as their king.

I'm not going to trade on being Chris Martin's sister, says Chris Martin's sister

It's impressive that Nicola Martin is determined to make her acting career on her own without any help from being the sister-of-the-more-famous-Chris. But just how many actors working in pubs without connections get profiled by the Daily Telepgraph, exactly?

Embed and breakfast man: Ash

"Are you aware" asks @sweepingnation "that, eight years on, Ash are putting their much vaunted at the time horror film out?"

I wasn't. But I am now...

[Warning: contains traces of Coldplay]