Liam Gallagher calls for "mischief"

Liam Gallagher - or, since David Cameron's resignation honours, Baron Gallagher of Burnage - has called for more "mischief" from musicians:

Encouraging today's musicians to cause more mischief, Gallagher said: "There is no excuse for young bands to act like grown men. When you're older and have kids, cool it out a bit, but I get up to more mischief in my butcher’s than [they] do on their fucking tours. Maybe it's just where we're from."

He added: "I guess it goes back to the working-class thing. The shit-kickers aren’t breaking through. A lot of music these days is by middle-class kids."

That's right, a man who is so middle class he still visits a butchers is complaining about the lack of authentic working class voices.

He's doing this in a press junket to promote a film that dredges up the long-cold corpse of Oasis. You wonder, as you try to swim through all the attention this movie is getting, why young bands struggle to get their voices heard, don't you?

Sidenote: what fucking "mischief" does he get up to in his butcher's anyway? Asking how much the venison costs and then saying "that's quite dear?"

Liam Gallagher: Will pay to fight

It's perhaps inevitable that Liam Gallagher has been involved in an empty spat - he and Nicole Appleton have burned through £800,000 on divorce lawyers to end up with a judge saying split everything 50/50.

I know this might make the phrase "Liam Gallagher is living off royalties for Never Ever" slightly a stretch, but... Liam Gallagher is living off royalties for Never Ever.

TL;DR/FI Friday

So, that reunion of TFI Friday last night was a reminder of why I never watched it first time round: it's a programme that looks like everyone involved is having tremendous fun, rather than a programme which is tremendous fun.

Also: the Gallagher/Who 'supergroup' felt more like the deputy head joining the school band for the last song of the evening.

Liam Gallagher is selling up

Trouser-magnate and former Beatles tribute star Liam Gallagher is selling his home on Central Park:

You can have your own little “oasis,” if you purchase Liam Gallagher’s two-bedroom, 2½-bathroom, 1,575-square-foot condo, which is on the market for $4 million.

The ’90s British rock star who started the band Oasis with his brother Noel is putting his 17th-floor unit at the Essex House at 160 Central Park on the market.

For someone who strutted about believing he was a reboot of John Lennon, you've got to admit that buying a flat on the skirt of Central Park does take a certain degree of guts.

The flat apparently has a 40-bottle wine cooler and maid and valet service. Man of the people.

Twitterblob: Liam Gallagher

Interesting:

I actually really like Adrian Chiles… said no one… ever. I’d rather listen to Noel Gallagher’s High Flying Birds than listen to Chiles. LG

— Liam Gallagher (@IiamgaIlagher) June 12, 2014

Not that Liam Gallagher has these opinions, but it's interesting that he signs his own tweets (presumably a compromise given he can't use sealing wax and a signet ring).

It's also interesting that he's still doing "said no-one ever". I look forward to Liam's I can haz cheezeburger tweets in about six months' time.

UPDATE: Parody account. Bollocks. Pwnd.

Abba explain the sequinned jumpsuits

So it turns out Abba wore those godawful stage clothes as a tax dodge:

According to Abba: The Official Photo Book, published to mark 40 years since they won Eurovision with Waterloo, the band's style was influenced in part by laws that allowed the cost of outfits to be deducted against tax – so long as the costumes were so outrageous they could not possibly be worn on the street.

So if you have a bunch of clothes that nobody in their right minds would be seen wearing under normal circumstances, you save a bunch on tax? Finally, Liam Gallagher's Pretty Green range is explained.

Jordan Catalano as Ringo Starr

Apparently Liam Gallagher is still grimly pressing on with his joyless Beatle film project and, oh, is he setting his sights high:

Gallagher is preparing to hold castings in Los Angeles in April (14), and Leto, as well as Before Midnight's Ethan Hawke, are on the shortlist to star in the movie, according to the U.K.'s The Sun newspaper.

An insider tells the publication, "He knows he's not going to manage to entice someone like Brad Pitt but he wants high-calibre people who are more on the indie scene of Hollywood. He thinks actors such as Jared and Ethan would be perfect."

Bless him. "I might not quite get Brad Pitt, but hey, Jared Leto is probably sitting around waiting for the chance to get a meaty role."

Shane Ritchie and the bloke who played Fred Elliott are holding slots in their diaries, Liam.

How does Liam Gallagher do a divorce?

Like everything, he makes it sound like a disappointing attempt to copy something The Beatles have already done: He's hired the lawyer who did Paul McCartney's divorce.

A quick thought of Liam Gallagher and Rupert Murdoch

The extra-marital sex story about Liam Gallagher was hinted at by The Sun, but the paper was too cautious to publish until an American paper ran the story. At that point, with the story in the public domain, The Sun decided it was okay to talk about it.

Let's hope the owner of The Sun doesn't have any part in an alleged sex scandal that's being discussed in publications in the US, otherwise The Sun's rush to publish the Gallagher story would make it very difficult for Rupert to argue the same principle shouldn't apply to him, eh?

Gordon in the morning: Gallagher rumbles on

Good news for Gordon - so far, it looks like Dan Wootton hasn't been given any more days of the week to be in charge of showbiz.

This means Gordon can turn again to that battle of wits, or portions thereof, between Liam Gallagher and Robbie Williams.

About six years after Williams had the last word, Liam has come up with a response.

You might recall Williams suggested that Liam think about adding choruses to his song. Sadly, Liam's not going to take that lying down:

“We didn’t make a record to satisfy some requirements, this was our project. Robbie Williams said the record’s good but the songs have no chorus. I’d rather shoot myself in the balls than follow his advice."

Just the balls, mind.

The idea that Beady Eye sprang from some sort of project, almost deconstructionist in its scope, to satisfy no requirements is a surprise. You'd have expected something a little more astonishing if that really was the case, but maybe it's like when you first let rescue birds out a cage, and they just hang around where they know because they don't know how to roam free.

Sorry, Liam, you were saying?

“I do not listen to other music, so I don’t get my inspiration from anybody else, but maybe I should buy an iPod.”

An iPod. Bless. Maybe he'll look into buying a fax machine and getting Ceefax too.

But Liam, your claim that you don't listen to other music is a lie, and not even an interesting one, given how you were praising Emeli Sande the other day.
Meanwhile, Beady Eye have been asked to change the cover of their record because it has nipples on it.

Liam pretends to be anything other than delighted that anyone has even noticed he's got a record out:

Liam said: “Everyone has nipples, they could have put tape on it if they had to.”

... after all, it's not like any shop is going to have many copies; it'd only take a minute or so, right?

I think the real tragedy for Liam is that, if there has been an angry battle being fought over the oh-so-obvious 'put a tit on the sleeve, generate some publicity' move, nobody seems to have noticed that, either.

Gordon concludes this dash through the mind of Mr G by capturing his reaction to the cool response to the album from people who got past the sleeve:

He’s also not been best pleased by some of the reviews it’s had.

He added: “Ultimately the only thing I care about is how people react to the live shows.”

Good mantra to live by.

It's not really a good mantra to live by, though, is it? I suppose many bands past their prime do continue to make a decent living from touring, but given that Gallagher is already edging into "and do you have a smaller auditorium available" booking territory, "making a record which sells some copies" might be a better mantra to live by.

Still: Liam doesn't care what people say about the record.

Which is surprising news, since about four paragraphs back he was preparing to shoot his own balls off in response to, erm, Robbie William's capsule review.

Glastonbury 2013: How did Beady Eye do?

Yesterday, as if the story of Wayne Rooney turning up with a box of Tesco Vodka and a Pot Noodle wasn't enough to convince you that Glastonbury isn't officially dead, Beady Eye turned up to "open" the festival.

Except they were over on the Other Stage, so it wasn't really opening anything. As initiations go, it's on a par with 'first person to buy a blanket at Joe Bananas'.

You'd have to conclude that what happened here was that the appropriate slot for Liam and his Rest Of Oasis to play would have been so far down the bill that this "surprise" opening slot was a compromise that soothed Gallagher's ego without having to move more successful or interesting groups off the stage later.

But what did people think?

Tim Jonze for the Guardian particularly liked the covers of Oasis songs:

Beady Eye tracks such as The Roller are, it has to be said, shown up by the former bands' glories, but closing track Bring the Light matches their peaks for sheer verve at least.

The NME report was, erm, surprisingly factual:

Playing a set heavy on material from their latest album 'BE', they began with 'Flick Of The Finger', one of a few songs to employ trumpets and saxophones in an effort to recreate the album's psychedelic sound.

I'm presuming that sentence didn't require someone to solve a CAPTCHA before publishing it.

The Guernsey Press And Star captured Gallagher as he twisted about, trying to reconcile the last eight years he's spent boring on about how the Festival was terrible with turning up to start things on one of the secondary stages. Why, Liam declares, he hasn't changed. It must be Glastonbury that's changed:

Liam said the festival had got better, crediting the organisers for its success. “It’s Michael Eavis, isn’t it, and the family who run it,” he said. “They put a lot of work into it.”

If only they'd been involved in 2004, eh, Liam?

Who is the smartest person in rock?

It's almost cruel to share the name of the company which has spent its money pulling together a poll to discover the "most stylish rockstar".

Almost, but not quite. Jesus, Stuarts of London... really? At no point did you see the way the votes were going and think 'let's quietly kill this, or lie and say, I don't know, Kele from Bloc Party or something'.

Noel Gallagher won.

Let's look at Noel when he's dressed up, shall we?

Noel, there, with that guy who was in the Chilcot Enquiry. Yeah, that's stylish.

Noel beat Liam Gallagher - yes, the next-most-stylish rock star is a bloke who wears fussy parkas and Lennon specs. Third place was Alex Turner.

This could also, you appreciate, a list of pop stars that the people who run a London trouser shop might have heard of. Best to approach it on that basis.

Gordon in the morning: Of course Robbie has responded

After yesterday's whining from Liam Gallagher because Robbie Williams can still draw an audience, today Williams has launched a counter slavo.

It's like a few weeks ago when Nigel Lawson popped up to share his opinions on something. He was very angry but... it was like listening to someone having an argument down the street and round the corner. As is this spat.

Still, kudos to Robbie for focusing where it hurts most - the music:

Robbie said: “The interviews are better than the records at the minute. I really enjoy the interviews. Liam is like an episode of Star Stories.” He then laid into some of the songs on new Beady Eye album BE, saying: “The production is really good. There are a couple of tunes that would have been f***ing amazing if they had a chorus.

“Flick Of The Finger, nearly a great tune. Start Anew, if that had a chorus, but there is no chorus.”

Seriously, though, lads: It's reached the stage now like the sixth of seventh time Ken Barlow and Mike Baldwin went at on Corrie. It's starting to look less like a feud, and more like codependency.

Gordon in the morning: Liam's humiliation

It's obviously humiliating for Liam Gallagher that in Manchester - Manchester - Beaky Eye are only able to book gigs in the size of room you'd hire for the funeral tea for an unpopular Uncle.

You know what you might want to not do in those circumstances? Come across like a whiny boo-hoo, complaining and drawing attention to your reduced circumstances by pointing at another act who is doing so much better than you.

When did Liam ever get it right, though?

Gordon Smart bottles the bitterness:

Liam lost his rag as his band BEADY EYE played Manchester’s 1,500-capacity Ritz while Robbie chalked off another sold-out show in front of 60,000 at Manchester City’s home ground.

Williams is playing three nights there. Given that Gallagher has drawn attention to the difference, remember that he'd have to play a solid four months of gigs at the Ritz to reach the same number of fans Williams is playing to in Manchester.

Speaking on 5 Live, [Gallagher] ranted: “We should be playing the Etihad three nights (sic), not some f***ing fat f***ing idiot.

Quite why Gallagher believes he has a right to play in the Man City ground isn't clear, but given the size of his audience, he certainly could. He could even do it the same night as Williams plays - Robbie in the main part of the stadium; Captain Beaky could take on the kit room.

But as his consciousness streams, Gallagher realises who the real villans are. People. People who steadfastly refuse to give a flying fuck about his twilight band:

“Poor, mate. It’s not about him, it’s people in general. But it is about f***ing him, just in case you think I’m scared or something.

“It’s a small gig. Beady Eye ain’t a big band.

“Everyone thinks we’re going to announce big f***ing stadiums. That (The Ritz) is the level we’re at and we’ll stay at that until you pull your f***ing finger out and buy the f***ing records.”

You know what, Liam? If you want people to buy your records, you might want to try making them... well, let's start with 'not lazy shit', shall we?

Admitting, tangentially, that nobody's interested in Beady Eye

There's little surprise that Beady Eye are trying to interest fans by the prospect of playing some songs people might know:

The Liam Gallagher-fronted rock band will dust off tracks made famous by the singer's previous band with brother Noel Gallagher on their UK tour, which kicked off in Manchester yesterday (19.06.13).
Pondering which songs they may play, guitarist Gem Archer is quoted by The Sun newspaper as saying: ''They're always there and we know that we can use them. I'm sure a lot of fans would want to hear them. 'Hung in a Bad Place' would be a good one live, as would 'The Meaning of Soul'.

Yeah, or, you know: the hits. The Oasis hits.

You could also try billing yourself like this:
Liam Gallagher out of
Oasis
and the Beady Eyes

Liam Gallagher wants The Smiths to reform for... reasons

Liam Gallagher wants the Smiths to reform:

"I'd like to see The Smiths. I never seen 'em."

Wow, so you'd force Mozzer and Marr and the two lawnmower-ones back onto stage together? You must have been a big fan, then?

"I weren't a big fan."

Oh.

So... erm, why do you want them to reunite so badly?

"I know all the f***ing songs because my brother was into them."

That's not an especially good reason for wanting a band to reform. I can remember the lyrics to most of the 1980s Fruit And Fibre adverts, but that doesn't mean I want to force Ross Kemp to do this again:

Okay, actually, I'd love to see Ross Kemp do that, but you get my point.

Liam puffs his pipe and recalls the day the Smiths fell apart:

I remember when they split up, man. People were proper running around like headless chickens in Manchester.

Really? You were 14 when that happened, weren't you? And how exactly did the "headless chicken running" manifest itself?

The very best of Liam Gallagher

6Music asked their listeners what they'd put on "the Ultimate Liam Gallagher playlist". Probably not a question you should ask an audience who actually care about music.

Liam Gallagher buys some slippers

It's okay, Liam Gallagher, it's okay:

He said: ''[Rock groups like] Palma Violets don't do it for me, and I'm not having that Peace, man. There's something about them that's not my thing.

''It's sad out there man, There's nobody to have a pop at any more, which is very f***ing disturbing. I like Emeli f***ing Sande. I think she's cool man. Bruno Mars' new single is mega, that ballady one on the piano.''

You're a middle-aged man. It's alright, Liam.

Maybe if you started to make the music you like, rather than a half-arsed attempt to sound like the music you made when you were young, you might start to be more comfortable in yourself.

Look, Liam: Elasticated slacks. Why not make an order, Liam? Go on.

Gordon in the morning: Able was I, ere I saw Elba's hat

Remember that moment when Liam Gallagher tried to pinch Idris Elba's hat at the NME awards? Of course not, because it was two bored men at a minor awards ceremony, and even had you been that interested, Elba retelling the story a couple of months ago would have sated that interest.

Or we could talk about it some more. This morning, Gordon reveals Liam's side of the story.

I'm using "story" in a way that crackles with irony, by the way.

Talking about it for the first time, Liam said...

Yes, breaking his silence on the hat story after all this time. It's like getting cabinet papers from the Second World War released, isn't it?

Talking about it for the first time, Liam said: “I didn’t steal Idris’s hat, or grab it.

“I don’t go grabbing anyone. He messed my f***ing hair up, so I pulled his hat off and booted it across the room, and that’s it.”

You'll note the delicacy of language here - most people might think that taking someone's hat by pulling it off was grabbing it and stealing it, but apparently not. Somehow Liam was able to pull the hat without grabbing it; somehow he was able to take it from Elba without his permission, but without stealing it.

Maybe this is why Gordon thinks we're in any way interested in this tale, given that it appears to have rewritten the laws of physics and the physics of the law.

“You don’t touch a man’s haircut, man, especially if you’ve got a red bobbly hat on. So let’s get that one straight. He f***ed my hair up — so the hat got it."

I know that Gordon promised Justice Leveson he checks and checks again his work, so I really hope that he read that quote back to Gallagher before committing it to print.

But was Gallagher foolish to take on Elba?

When asked if he was intimidated by Idris’s considerable bulk, Liam added: “I don’t give a f***. I didn’t know who he was.

“I still don’t know who he is and I don’t give a f*** who he is.

Hey, let's not laugh at Liam's lack of a grasp on popular culture. He has cultural references.

Liam added that Idris’s headgear reminded him of the daft woolly hat-wearing ITV soap character Benny Hawkins and said: “It’s not f***ing Crossroads, is it?”

Benny from Crossroads? There's one for the teenagers.

Benny's last appearance was 25 years ago, which I guess makes him more contemporary than Gallagher's music.

Given that he's brought him up, and it's more interesting than the bloody hat, let's end with this, shall we?

Gordon in the morning: In which Mr Smart attends an album playback

Beady Eye have, thrillingly, unveiled their new album to a crowd in a dingy room beneath a Soho flophouse (sorry, a "cinema beneath the posh Soho Hotel"; I forgot they only pretend to be a rock band these days.)

Gordon's written a review so gushing that when he says "Austin Powers would love this track", he's saying that like it's a good thing.

But he also appends Liam's own evaluation of the songs. Which really tells you all you need to know:

Fookin’ tune, man
You’re welcome!
Have that! Tune!
F****n’ tune!
Come on! What a tune.
Have a go on that!
Have it! Tune!
F***ing tune!

The most important thing to note is that two tracks there's no Gallagher, um, insight into because he went to the toilet. Twice. Either he's already bored to tears with the record, or his bladder's giving out and he would have said some combination of fuck, tune, and have.

Anyone surprised that he's even incoherent and lazy when talking about his own work? Anyone?