Liam Gallagher: Will pay to fight

It's perhaps inevitable that Liam Gallagher has been involved in an empty spat - he and Nicole Appleton have burned through £800,000 on divorce lawyers to end up with a judge saying split everything 50/50.

I know this might make the phrase "Liam Gallagher is living off royalties for Never Ever" slightly a stretch, but... Liam Gallagher is living off royalties for Never Ever.

Gordon in the morning: Liam in the dog house

Poor Liam Gallagher. You know things must be grim for him when even Gordon is running a publicity photo he's put out and - effectively - pointing and laughing. It's like a monsignor snarking at the Pope:

Liam posed for this terrible publicity shot to launch the pooch-loving event with Nicole, their Dachshund Ruby Tuesday, and the resident vet from TV's This Morning, MARC ABRAHAM.

It's worse than IGGY POP doing the Swiftcover ads.

There's no doubt Liam and Nicole's intentions are good in publicising the charity event on behalf of the Kennel Club.

But it looks a bit low rent for a man of his standing.

Given that he's just the bloke who used to be in a band that haven't really done anything worth the candle since the turn of the century, I'd say that a dog-and-pony show (albeit without a pony) would be more or less on the money. Why would pushing a puppy-off be any more awful than his day job of selling awful trousers?

Darkness at 3AM: When headlines fib

This morning, there's an eyecatching headline on 3AM:

NICOLE LEAVES LIAM!

Although, actually, a more honest headline would be 'Liam behaves like an embarrassment at the Rolling Stones film so Nicole didn't stand next to him'.

Which, actually, is 'wife stands in different part of room to husband'.

Still, the report of Liam at the movie is almost endearing:

An onlooker said: "It was hilarious. He was really getting into it and at one point stood up and started clapping and cheering."

Ah, bless. He probably thinks Mick Jagger is really twenty feet tall, as well.

Gordon in the morning: Liam Gallagher's big hitch

Aah, sloppy old romantic pub-fighting Liam Gallagher marked Valentines Day by marrying Nicole Appleton, and Gordon Smart was there, or at least heard about it.

Ah, but what headline would you slap on such a story?

Oasis Liam's wed for it again

Sorry... what? He's got married for what? "It"? Sex? Was he saving himself until Nicole had a ring on his finger?

Accepting the headline doesn't actually make any sense, Smart crowbars in a reference to explain it:

“Mad for it” Liam...

Oh. Mad for it. Wed for it. Yes. Now we see.

Still, you can't blame Gordon, he's been busy, with a photo of the top of Jordan's nipple to somehow turn into news.

His colleagues turn their attention to Cheryl Cole. Again. You'll recall yesterday a picture of Cheryl in a bikini showed that she was stick-thin, dangerously underweight and at death's door. Twenty-four hours later, in (admittedly) a different bikini, she's looking

"well tanned, was joking – and appeared to be showing Chelsea ace Ashley, 27, just what he is missing."

Presumably she's had some sort of reverse liposuction.

Appleton hit the smallest of small screens

Nearly two years ago, ITV invested in a pilot chat show featuring Nicole Appleton interviewing her "famous pals". Surprisingly, they've finally commissioned a series - with Natalie also on board.

Only not for TV. Not even for the web. It's a mobile-aimed product. Oh, and you'll never guess who the first interviewee is?

Why, yes, Liam Gallagher. Must have been quite a dig through the contact book for that one, eh?

The second Mrs Gallagher

The Mirror has picked out a special hat as it believes that Liam Gallagher and Nicole Appleton are getting married today.

Nicole celebrates by sharing a glimpse into life at the Gallagher home:

"When I see him strutting on to the stage I don't recognise him."

"He's like a lion tamer and with a crack of the whip he controls the fans.

"He can't do that to me. At home, I'm the lion tamer. Definitely."

We're not sure we'd peg Oasis' audience of beered-up men on the cusp of middle-aged spread as lions in need of taming; they're more like tapirs who need some help turning round. But we do appreciate the extravagant metaphor, even if it implies that Nicole - like lion tamers - dare never turn her back on the wild beast she shares a cage with.

Showbizwith Zoe grovels

Good lord, what did Patsy Kensit threaten to do to the Sunday Mirror's Showbizwith Zoe to get such a swift and cringing apology in this week's piece?

OOPS, silly me... it seems Patsy Kensit and Nicole Appleton are much better pals than I made out last week.

She's been in touch to say there's no friction at all between the pair.

Patsy and her ex Liam Gallagher have an eight-year-old son, Lennon, and Nicole and Liam have a six-year-old son, Gene.

After last week's Live Earth concert, they all went back to Liam's for a family barbecue. I'm told Patsy and Nicole even have lunch together.

Good on you Patsy!

We especially love the last line - the "good on you Patsy" for no reason whatsoever other than to hope it'll finally persuade her to take her stiletto off Zoe's foot.

Appleton name change

The Appleton Sisters have changed the name of their album(from 'Aloud' to 'Everything's Eventual') to avoid people muddling them up with Girls Aloud.

Of course, a better way to stop people confusing them with the Popstars band would have been to fill the album with something other than half-assed readings of featherlight pop fluff, but it seems Nic and Nat were even worse at doing that than coming up with album titles. A new single Don't Worry is due in February. We're already getting them muddled up with Mel and Kim over here, then.