Whatever happened to Zoe Griffin? U2

Since she departed from the Sunday Mirror, you might have been wondering what's been up with Zoe Griffin, showbiz Zoe out the the Zoe Showbiz column.

You'll be thrilled to hear that - just like Doonesbury's most dull character, Rick Redfern - she's launched a blog to carry the quality journalism that used to appear in the newspaper. There's a helpful 'who am I' panel at the side, which I believe replicates the post-it note that Zoe carries with her at all times to remind her who she is:

I am the UK’s coolest party girl. I only go to the best parties and I am at the heart of the action when I’m there.

I don’t get starstruck by celebrities because I’ve met all of the biggest stars already.

The Baftas? The Brits? The MOBOs? MTV Awards? Fashion Week? Been there and done that several times.

I go out to have fun, dress up, sip a glass of Champagne and report back to tell everyone else what it’s really like in the VIP crowd.

Oh, dear. Still, she'll probably put down the sound of a nation laughing as being because they're just jealous.

Today, Zoe reports back on U2 at Wembley:

All, I can say is if you weren’t at the U2 gig at Wembley stadium last night then why the hell not?

Because you don't like U2? Because you're not prepared to pay the preposterous ticket price to see a band some twenty years South of their best? Because you've got tickets for one of the other nights? Because you had something better to do? Because you sent Zoe Griffin to be at the centre of things on your behalf? Or simply because you heard Zoe Griffin was going to be there?

Anyway, Zoe shows her skill in conjuring a scene with just a few words:

And what an entrance - the stage looked like an aliens space ship billowing smoke. Haven’t seen a gig this elaborate in ages.

Lesser writers might have just said space ship; those with subeditors might have said alien's spaceship. But not Zoe - she doesn't want to leave her readers in any doubt that the spaceship from which U2 emerged was not of this planet. In case you thought it was just a crappy sputnik or something.

That's pretty much it for the review - I'm not quite sure this tells me what it would have been like to have been in that VIP crowd of 80,000 people, but there are some photos. With captions. Oh, what captions:

Bono starts off rocking

The Edge manages to rock in a beanie hat

Given that wearing a beanie hat is his trademark, and rocking is - for want of a better word - his job when he's not running building project - is that entirely surprising?

Still. Bono was rocking. The Edge, he too was rocking. What of the others?

Adam Clayton checks he's still rocking - he was!

Adam Clayton was rocking as well? That's lucky.

And the other one?

Larry Mullen Jr controls the background

Not rocking, then? Actually, what does "controls the background" mean? (It's a photo of him drumming, unsurprisingly enough.) Is it just Zoe didn't have anyone to ask what the funny things he was sitting behind were? Or was he actually controlling the backgrounds, having abandoned percussion for making sure the curtains rise and fall properly?

Sadly, Zoe doesn't tell us.

Showbiz Zoe Dean

Showbiz Zoe, who is now merely Pursuing Other Exciting Opportunities Zoe, has had her vacant former position filled. Stepping in, it seems, will be a chap called Dean Piper.

Dean "is currently Entertainment Editor at Closer magazine, and begins his new position in May."

It must be rewarding for Zoe to know that she's going to be so missed by the Mirror that they're rushing to get someone to pick up her work with such almost unseemly haste. Presumably Closer just can't bear to part with him.

[Thanks to Sarah D]

Nobiz Zoe

Not only are we pinching James P's email, but we've even lifted his headline for the news that Zoe Griffin has quit the Sunday Mirror:

No word on where she's going; Maybe to pursue a career in an area of the media where there's less chance of being physically assaulted by an Osbourne. Which I think leaves 'Speaking Clock' and 'Putting Up the Small-Ad Postcards in Somerfield'.

Zoe had billed herself as the "youngest, hottest" gossip columnist, which was untrue even before the younger Dan Wootton started at the News of the World. Seasoned readers of the Sunday Mirror had noticed that Zoe's profile had slipped somewhat recently, to the extent that she even had difficulty getting her resignation letter printed.

Sometimes, it's like Showbiz Zoe even bores herself

And who can blame her? If you're churning out a piece about Ronan Keating's bloody holiday plans, of course you might fall asleep in the middle of it:

Romantic Ronan Keating is extending Valentine’s Day into a Valentine’s Week by whisking his lucky wife Yvonne off to a ski chalet in Switzerland.

Although Boyzone haven’t been nominated for any Brits, I thought Ronan deserved an award for his thought-fulness as he told me: “I realise it’s important to keep the spice in your marriage.”

Let’s hope he doesn’t
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... and that's exactly how it ends. Perhaps Zoe is hoping that her reader might suggest some appropriate ending.

Perhaps "... put the spice in the wrong hole"? "... bore her to death in the way he's bored me"? "... have any nasty diseases"? "... sing"?

Showbiz Zoe travels round London

In the blurb promoting Showbiz Zoe's Sunday Mirror story claiming that Paris Hilton in moving into Camden, the teaser says:

Paris buys a £2million pad in London's seedy Camden

Leaving aside using "London's" with a straight face, did anyone at all stop for even half a second and wonder how you could sell a two million pound property in a seedy neighbourhood?

The £2million townhouse is also within walking distance of pads owned by Girls Aloud singer Sarah Harding, cool comedians Noel Fielding and Leigh Francis, and Blur’s Graham Coxon.

Oh yes. Actually, you are making the area sound a bit seedy now.

Kelly Osbourne "slapped" Showbiz Zoe

In a bid to defend her boyfriend, Kelly Osbourne allegedly slapped the Sunday Mirror's Showbiz With Zoe's column Zoe With The Showbiz. Osbourne, apparently, objected to Zoe's claims that Luke Worrall was so thick he didn't know what an earthquake was. (Of course he does: it's when the ground does a burp, isn't it?)

For her troubles, Osbourne has wound up being arrested - albeit six months after the "attack".

Zoe says the Scientologists are coming for Amy

Showbiz Zoe is worrying over the struggle for Amy Wnehouse's mortal soul, claiming "a pal" has been telling everyone that Amy Winehouse has been getting calls from the cult.

Presumably they're thinking that Amy is so addled she might just fall for the whole 'give us your money, stop talking to your family and we'll tell you about the volcanos and h-bombs and all that gubbins that L Ron made up to win his bet' shtick.

If it is true, though, should Zoe have not followed it through by asking the "church" if it's acceptable to go round preying on the weak and vulnerable?

Jamelia leaves that great page blank

Terrible news, broken gently by Showbizzy Zoe's Zoe Showbiz column: Jamelia has axed plans for her autobiography. She's even paid back the advance she'd been paid.

She didn't want to share, she says:

"I didn't like giving away all my secrets. It made me feel dirty."

Also, they only filled the first seven and a half pages, leaving a yawning gap still to fill.

Poor Showbiz Zoe

Hankies out, please, as you consider the plight of Zoe Showbiz, out the Showbiz With Zoe Showbiz column in the Sunday Mirror, and - more precisely - just how buried she's become in the new integrated Sunday/Daily Mirror website. Mind you, perhaps it's a wise decision, what with stories like this one:

I was impressed by Island Records' new boyband Avenue at their first showcase gig. Despite a minor car crash that made them late, they performed dance moves that would give Take That a hernia. Their best tune Last Goodbye - a new single out on September 1.

That's such a soft story you could wrap eggs in it and send them through the post. Avenue, apparently, were something to do with the X Factor. We're given to understand the minor car crash was when they drove their vehicle flat out at the big gates in a bid to break out of their horrible lives - "for God's sake, let us return to obscurity... or, um, remain in obscurity but without having to learn dance routines..."

Bob Geldof: patron saint of lost causes

Given that Peaches TV work relied very heavily on Bob's involvement with television production companies, it's only fair, we guess, that Geldof is threatening to "assist" Pixie with what Showbiz Zoezoezoe describes as "musical domination":

A pal said: "Pixie plays guitar really well. Her dad Bob says he will help her get representation once she's finished her A-levels."

Mind you, given that Bob's record on music isn't that great - not counting songs about snowfall failing in Africa, when did he last trouble the top ten? - Pixie might be better off not dropping daddy's name.

Showbiz Zoe puts Winehouse in a chair

The Sunday Mirror's Showbiz Zoe Showbizoe has some alarming news about Amy Winehouse:

Frail Amy Winehouse has been struck down by the deadly lung condition emphysema - and she could be in a wheelchair within a MONTH if she doesn't stop smoking crack cocaine, her dad revealed last night.

And needing an oxygen mask all the time, too.

Mitch Winehouse is happy to detail his daughter's health problems in full, gory detail - because somehow that would help her overcome her addictions:

"After lots of tests they found a lump in Amy's chest. A scan has shown it's not cancerous and there are no traces of cancer in her blood. But they might need to double check.

"There is a chance she might need a biopsy. If they need to cut the lump out then that will mean a massive and painful operation and a lot of recuperation.

At the moment that doesn't look likely.

"When they told me she had a lump, I was very, very worried. At times Amy seems nervous about it but she doesn't panic until something's 100 per cent."

Luckily, though, Mitch has no such compulsion about waiting until things are confirmed before putting in a call to the Mirror Group.

Adele's tangled web

To be honest, we don't think Adele has ever said that she won't lose weight, ever - although her comments about her body shape tend to get reported as if that's what she's said, if you read what she actually said was she wouldn't lose weight because other people tell her she should:

'The press are always trying to bring it up,' she says, regarding me balefully, 'but I really don't give a toss. If I wanted to be on the cover of FHM, then of course I'd be, like, fuck, I need to lose weight or, I need some fake tan or I need to get my teeth fixed. But I'd rather be on the cover of Q for my music.'

Likewise, although Zoe Zoe Showbiz in today's Sunday Mirror heads her story:

Adele wants to lose weight before heading to America

Adele is shortly heading off to the States - so has decided to slim.

the only quote Zoe offers suggests that, actually, all that's happened is Adele is drinking less and the weightloss is a side-effect:

"I haven't had a drink for 20 days and I've noticed the effect."

Which isn't quite the same thing as obsessively slimming in order to please the Americans.

Almost indistinguishable

Geri Halliwell is excited by the forthcoming Sex And The City movie. Because, you know, it could be about here:

"I LOVE Carrie. I'm really like her in the way I analyse, and I have the hair and the prom dresses."

Having hair really does make you exactly alike her. Brian Blessed has hair, too, and we think you're quite like him, too.

Although there is much to make of this self-aggrandising honking, the Sunday Mirror's Showbiz with Zoe columnist Zoe Zoe Showbiz fumbles her putdown:

Earth to Geri - Carrie is a fictional character, love.

Except, of course, Sex In The City is a roman a clef and Bradshaw is, effectively, Candace Bushnell, who is all-too-real; and even if Carrie had been totally imagined up out of thin air, why would that make it impossible for Geri to be like her? If someone said "my boyfriend's a bit like Marcus from Coronation Street", presumably Zoe wouldn't start pulling faces and going "you idiot! Marcus is a construct of scriptwriters. How could someone be 'like' him?"

Actually, she probably would, wouldn't she?

Showbiz Zoe climbs back on the horse

With last week's Oasis-to-play-Dome story rousing Noel Gallagher himself to go out and rubbish it within hours of the Sunday Mirror, what's Showbiz Zoe got for her Zoe Showbiz showbiz column with Showbiz Zoe?

Something about Kylie Minogue having blind dates. Or, rather, double-blind dates as Zoe doesn't seem to know who they're with:

The pop goddess's most recent romantic rendezvous was with one of New York's wealthiest businessmen.

Zoe seems to know rather a lot about a man whose name she doesn't know:

But what ticks my boxes - and probably Kylie's too - is that he owns a yacht and has a private jet on standby.

Yes, because Kylie is probably going to be swayed by whether a bloke fannies about on a yacht.

Zoe also has a photo of Agyness Deyn, which prompts her to observe:

Not sure about socks with shoes, but with those legs Agy gets away with anything

Eh? When did it become a fashion no-no to wear socks with shoes? Sandals, I knew about; clogs and flip-flops make sense - but are the kids really not wearing socks when they wear shoes now?

Showbiz with Zoe scoops the lot

It's actually a pretty good story from Zoe Showbiz today, that Oasis are being courted for residency at the Millennium Dome. We just struggle with some of the detail - fifteen million quid? Really?

And there's this, too:

A band insider says: "The dates will be a real special event - and the first major rock residency at the O2.

"There have been lots of pop acts there - the Spice Girls and Prince. And Led Zeppelin did one date. But no band has yet set up camp there for a whole run.

"They are lining up 10 dates some time in the autumn at the Dome before taking on the rest of the world."

Prince a "pop act"?

While the idea of Oasis safely tucked away in Greenwich is a pleasing one, we're not sure we can quite take the idea of the Dome being remade as part of the band's self-propagating mythology - the only good thing about Robbie Williams at Knebworth was that it meant the Gallaghers couldn't drone on about their smaller event any more.

Why everything sounds the same

Showbiz Zoe from Showbiz Zoe Column brings intelligence from the Kasabian album build - if that isn't an oxymoron. They're calling in some outside ears, says Chris Edwards:

"We're going to play it for Noel Gallagher in a couple of weeks.

He speaks his mind."

Well, yes he does. But so does that bloke outside Sainsburys who yells "Metal whores! You're all metal whores!" at passing cars. It doesn't mean you should listen to him, though.

After all, if Noel Gallagher knew how to make a good album... well, the recent Oasis back catalogue would be a little different, wouldn't it?

Tattoo you

Showbizwithzoe's Zoe Showbiz in the brings intelligence from the Martin-Paltrow marriage. They're alright, it seems, because Paltrow went to get a tattoo:

Gwyneth Paltrow has had the letter 'C' tattooed on her hip to show her commitment to hubby Chris Martin.
[...]
It should end mounting speculation that all is not well between Chris and Gwyneth after five years of marriage.

Yes, that'll work. Now - like you, and like Zoe out the Showbiz Zoe column, I have no idea if there's any problems between Paltrow and Martin. But getting a letter tattooed seems more an attempt to convince someone of something than a sign that's all well.

And wouldn't just having a 'c' leave room for frequent revisions? You could close it up to make an O if you started having an affair with Orlando Bloom? Or even turned into an eye of a kestrel at some point in the future?

And Zoe doesn't even know it was a C anyway:

Zulu confirmed: "Gwyneth came in last week. But we don't comment on the work that clients have done. A lot of celebrities have visited us."

We love Zulu's commitment to protecting some of the privacy of their clients.

Showbiz Zoe gets a scoop

The Sunday Mirror's Zoe of the Showbiz with Showbiz Zoe column might have landed herself a large exclusive this morning with the news that Carl Barat and Pete Doherty are - supposedly - writing a musical together a bit like the Threepenny Opera.

If only her colleague on the Daily Mirror hadn't reported exactly the same story on Friday.

Showbiz Zoe gets a jump

In the old days, gossip columnists could fill their pages with lists of people who went to see gigs and shows. Nowadays, though, with so many competing columns, that's not enough.

So Showbiz Zoe from the Sunday Mirror has decided to predict who'll be going to gigs a month before they happen:

Stars set to be out in force for Rihanna UK gigs

Rihanna is supported by R'n'B singer David Jordan on six UK dates in March.

I bet boxer Audley Harrison gets front-row tickets - he was drooling over her at London's Crystal club last week.

This is an exciting development. We're now boldly predicting that Pixie Geldof will be hanging about backstage at Glastonbury, and Andy Burnham will turn up at the next Brit Awards.

Showbiz Zoe peeks at The Brits

Zoe - the self-appointed youngest and coolest of the Fleet Street tattlers - is excited by the prospects of the Brits. First, she claims that Winehouse is going to be dosed up on Methadone for her Brits performance:

Medics decided not to put crack and heroin addict Amy through cold turkey - and have chosen to prop her up on pills and potions instead.

It's only a short term solution to her drug demons. But at least it's working for now.

Of course, if it's true, a half-decent journalist might actually do a little more than dismiss this as "pills and potions". They might, for example, ask if dosing someone up with a class A drug and pushing them onstage at a music business event on live television is fair to anyone; they might point to the piss-poor effectiveness of methadone and wonder if it's entirely ethical to provide someone with a quick fix purely so that she can go and sell some records on ITV rather than embarking on a slower approach that might have better chance of success.

Zoe also "reveals" that Paul McCartney is going on last at the prizegiving.

Biggest star? Closing the show? Whoeverwouldevthought, eh?