Kelly Osbourne still going on about Lady GaGa

There's no way that Kelly Osbourne is secretly thrilled that she had a spat with Lady GaGa about two years ago.

You might recall Kelly, whose job now appears to be commentating on people walking up to a door, was angry because Lady GaGa didn't walk up to the door on Grammys night back in 2012.

Of course, you don't recall that, because why would you? Which is why Kelly is desperately still banging on about how terrible it was for her, and the opprobrium she received merely for complaining that GaGa didn't walk up a red carpet before an event. So bad, she's still not over it, apparently.

Gordon in the morning: Britain's Next Top Bad Idea

Ah, poor Gordon, pressed into duty to try and promote one of his guv'nors other properties. Today, he's struggling to spark interest in a judging change on Britain And Ireland's Next Top Model.

The last series was rotten - random prizes based on who'd pony up for product placement made the 'what you'll win' sequence look like a table at a well-resourced church tombola night; the addition of Fearne Cotton and endless episodes of casting dragged things down; and a production team blithely slapping whatever happened to be in the Top 10 six months ago over the top conspired to make this look like a franchise whose time is up.

But Sky Living doesn't have much local programming, so instead of quietly letting the beast die, it's going to have a revamp. A desperate revamp.

How desperate? Bizarre scribblebot Colin Robertson reveals the full horror:

WILD child Kelly Osbourne is bouncing back on to UK telly — as a judge on Britain and Ireland's Next Top Model.

Really?

A source "explains":

"The plan is for Kelly to come on board and shake things up. She is a massive fan of fashion and has good pedigree working on fashion shows."

That's true, if by "good pedigree" you mean "squeezed the air out of the British version of Project Runway so badly a can't-fail format stuttered out after two botched series".

"Crucially, she is also young and the whole point of the show is to find the next big thing."

Now, without wanting to sound cruel, this suggests the sole thing Kelly has going for her is being "young" - although one of the judges she's replacing, Charley Speed, is only five years older than Kelly, making her closer to the "old" being replaced than the would-be models she's judging.

But the idea that "Kelly Osborne", who has been cluttering up showbusiness looking for a role since 2002, somehow reflects "the next big thing" rather than "the last number in the contact book" is amusing. Perhaps the series is going to try and save itself through post-modernism?

Gordon in the morning: Textually enlightening about Cosmopolitan

Kelly Osbourne - who is still apparently available for work - has changed her hair colour again and, surprisingly, got a Cosmo cover out of it.

Even more surprisingly, this itself constitutes a story for Bizarre this morning.

But what can you say about 'woman dyes hair blonde'?

HELLO coys!

Hello coys? What's a coy? Why are you greeting it, whatever it is? What does this have anything to do with anything?

Still, at least you've not done the cliche-for-fifty-years of saying 'blonde hair=Marilyn Monroe", right?

Kelly Osbourne poses Marilyn Monroe-style - and forgets her past as a chubby wildchild.

Didn't Osbourne first "forget her past" about ten years ago? And hasn't she done so repeatedly ever since?

Back in November, the Sun had a picture of Kelly on the front of a magazine in a bikini, and trilled:

KELLY Osbourne proves she really has got in shape

And in October The Sun had her:

slimming down to a size six and wearing more feminine clothes

Oh, and in September, the paper mentioned she'd lost some weight:

But in recent weeks, Kelly has picked herself up, hit the gym and looked better than ever in a variety of trendy outfits at New York fashion week.

More than once in September:

But in recent weeks, Kelly has picked herself up, hit the gym and looked better than ever in a variety of trendy outfits at New York fashion week.

Much more than once in September:

KELLY Osbourne has never been a shrinking violet but she was more than happy to show off her new size 6 frame in a figure-hugging floral-print dress yesterday.

Much, much more:

KELLY Osbourne says she now has the "confidence to dress up" after slimming down to a size six.

How many more times can Bizarre churn a story out of 'woman loses a bit of weight'? If there isn't anything else worth mentioning about Osbourne, why are you writing about her at all?

Ozzy's Obourne's daughter not happy at being thought of as Ozzy Osbourne's daughter

Kelly Osbourne, the daughter of Ozzy Osbourne, really hates being thought of as 'Ozzy Osbourne's daughter':

She explained: "I think for me it's just about not being classified as a 'celeb daughter'. A lot of them make me sick - so many of them walk around with such a bratty sense of entitlement, and then people start thinking that all celebrity children are like that.

"So I hate being lumped in with that crowd of girls."

Kelly is much more than just the daughter of Ozzy. She's also the daughter of Sharon, of course. And sister of the son of Ozzy Osbourne too.

And she's done all that stuff in her own right, too, yes? You know, that record she recorded with her Dad. And that variety show she did with her dad and her mum. And... well, all the other things she's achieved.

"When you're in this position, it's easy to be lazy and live off your parents, but it makes it hard for me to do something with my life, because I'm judged whatever I do.

"Anytime I achieve anything on my own, people will automatically assume it's because of my parents."

That's not true, Kelly. Let us know when you achieve something on your own, and we'll be happy to share your joy.

Kelly Osbourne: The dangerous dogs act

Kelly Osbourne is, says the Dogs Examiner, currently wearing her arm in a sling:

While visiting her mother, Kelly attempted to break up a dog fight. In the process, she fractured her elbow.

There are, sadly, no further details about how this might have happened, so anyone claiming that the fight was a set-up - and as soon as Kelly came over a chihuahua knelt down behind her and a labrador pushed Kelly - is just making stuff up.

Kelly Osbourne calls for hard work, gumption

Kelly Osbourne didn't get where she is today relying on other people, and wants the rest of us to pull our bloody socks up:

"I find it easier being in America. The UK is a lot harder, people have this kick you while you are down mentality. It seems like some teenagers just want to get pregnant so they can get a bigger council house.

"It is not OK for girls to want to grow up to be a WAG. I find that frustrating."

Yes, Kelly, there are teenagers who currently have council houses, and those council house-holding teenagers plan to go out and get pregnant in order to be moved to larger council houses.

This is especially true if you're living in a world where the Daily Mail is right, or - perhaps - in 1973.

But it's so pleasant to see that Kelly is, in effect, channeling Michael Caine and Paul Dacre simultaneously. Given that Kelly has been constantly handed jobs on account of who she is, despite her inability to perform the basic functions those positons required, you might think she'd been treated pretty well in the UK.

Apparently not well enough. Perhaps it's because we tend to point out to her that she's actually a bit rubbish at presenting things. Not like in America, where even Glenn Beck gets his own show despite having several social handicaps which suggest it would be better for him if he just had a nice sit down.

Kelly, of course, has achieved... erm, whatever it is she's achieved only though her natural... advantages

"A lot of celebrity kids don't do that much with their lives. You are in a position where you are so lucky - you can do whatever you want.

"A lot of them waste their lives going to parties and being mean to other people."

Whereas, of course, Kelly spends her time going to rehab and being mean to Lily Allen, Lady GaGa, Kate Moss and her boyfriend, tube drivers, Jennifer Lopez and Victoria Beckham, Simon Cowell, Peaches Geldof and, fresh to that list, British teenagers.

Oh, but hang on

Darkness at 3AM: Kelly Osbourne still waiting for sense of irony to arrive

The 3AM Girls don't seem to spot the mote and/or beam as Kelly Osbourne shares her insight into Lady GaGa:

"She's a Butter Face. She has everything But the face. She reminds me of Peaches Geldof.

"I love Lady GaGa's track's but I just wish she'd keep her mouth shut.

"She talks way too much and has too much attitude. It's starting to make me go off her."

In response to a follow-up question, Osbourne revealed "yes, all our mirrors have disappeared. How did you know?"

How goes Radio One's surgery?

A while back, Radio One took the surprising step of passing control of its Surgery 'sort your life out' show to Kelly Osbourne. She, they decided, would be the perfect person to offer a steady hand to young people struggling with life.

How's that going then? We could tune in this week and find out - although it turns out Aled "from the Chris Moyles show" is presenting this week. And, presumably, for the foreseeable future as Kelly's gone into rehab "to sort out some personal issues". Not, perhaps, the safest pair of hands after all then?

Kelly Osbourne "slapped" Showbiz Zoe

In a bid to defend her boyfriend, Kelly Osbourne allegedly slapped the Sunday Mirror's Showbiz With Zoe's column Zoe With The Showbiz. Osbourne, apparently, objected to Zoe's claims that Luke Worrall was so thick he didn't know what an earthquake was. (Of course he does: it's when the ground does a burp, isn't it?)

For her troubles, Osbourne has wound up being arrested - albeit six months after the "attack".

Let's not use phrases like 'whoring themselves out'

After the terrible I Can't Believe It's Not Butter slot, and Sharon's bingo slot, you might have thought The Osbournes would have realised their value to advertisers wasn't as a high-end, blue chip spokespeople and withdrawn from the field with what little of their dignity they can still lay claim to.

However, even pitching margarine and gin-sodden gambling puts cash into pockets, and so perhaps its no surprise that the entire family have signed up with an agency to seek out more opportunities:

John Ferriter, executive vice-president and head of non-scripted television at William Morris, said: "The Osbournes are international stars and have become a part of today's entertainment culture. We look forward to exploring opportunities that will capitalise on the family's global appeal and will follow the production of their new show."

Global appeal, huh? Yeah, Kelly Osbourne is the toast of Mogadishu.

Osbourne's variety show already unravelling

The cat-giving-birth-to-snakes event that is the planned Osbournes US TV variety show is starting to suffer from spasms as bad as those induced in observers by the very idea.

The Writers Guild Of America has instructed members to not deliver any scripts for the programme, claiming that the producers Freemantle are trying to underpay.

Mind you, why would you bother paying a decent writer a decent wage to write words that are just going to end up being mangled by Ozzy or Kelly anyway? Freemantle might as well just buy a box of flashcards, shuffle them up and use those as prompts.

Gordon in the morning: Put a dutch cap in it

Kelly Osbourne is on the Sun's payroll, acting as some sort of agony aunt ("I've got a problem, Kelly" "Get your dad's butler to sort it"). So perhaps that's why Gordon Smart treats her ambassadorship of World Contraception Day with a straight face. Kelly, it seems, knows a thing or two about contraception because, erm, she had a pregnancy scare. Sort-of:

“I convinced myself I was pregnant when I was 13 and I hadn’t even got my period.

“There are so many rumours and also so much wrong information being passed around, so it is a really important message the World Contraception Day is trying to give out.”

Surely the solution to Kelly's problem had less to do with contraception than poor sex ed?

Kelly insists that she's not the sort of person to go talking about her sex life, before talking about her sex life in too much detail:

“I am not the kind of person who talks about my sex life, but I am not afraid to talk about contraception.

"I go three, maybe four times a year to get tested for sexually transmitted infections and most of the time I don’t even need to. I just go for peace of mind.”

"Most of the time I don't even need to" is a phrase which will bang around the inside of my head for a while yet.

Is it really a good idea for a contraception campaign to be headed by someone who suggests that "talking about contraception" is divorced from "talking about your sex life" rather than being central to it?

Something neither Kelly nor Gordon find room for is a mention that, far from being a health initiative, World Contraception Day is actually a marketing stunt for the oral contraceptive company Bayer. However important the contraceptive message is, should it be being delivered by a company who have a vested interest in increasing the take-up of one type of system over others? Is it right for an advertising campaign to be disguised as a health message? And shouldn't Kelly be acknowledging who's underwriting her campaign?

Darkness at 3AM: Otherwise engaged

The 3AM Girls have noticed that Kelly Osbourne is wearing a ring on her ring finger, and decided she must be engaged to Luke Worrall (rather than the more likely explanation, that she put a ring on her finger in order to get some low-end gossip column action). But, of course, the 3AM Girls need a joke to finish on:

Worrall your mum and dad say Kel?

But they couldn't think of one. So they just put some words down instead.

How I Done It by Kelly Osbourne

Signs that some parts of the economy are still buoyant: some publishing house has so much cash schlepping about in its vaults that it's paying Kelly Osbourne to write her memoirs. Let's hope that Osbourne doesn't go nuts and attempts to cram all her 23 years on the planet into one book.

Apparently she's going to write about "her infamous feud with Christina Aguilera" - which, being as she's probably the only person on the planet who remembers it, is just as well.

Fashion has no mercy...

Kelly Osbourne's Project Catwalk has been canned by Sky. Never mind, Kels, it gives you more time to concentrate on that all-singing, all-dancing variety show your mom's got lined up for American TV. Now, what size in spangly top hat do you need?

Peaches is "a bit sad"

Kelly Osbourne finally gets the chance to shake her head at the younger generation:

Kelly Osbourne has suggested Peaches Geldof's marriage to Max Drummey could have been just a PR stunt.

'If it was done for attention, it's a bit sad,' the 23-year-old told Virgin Radio.

'I did stuff like that when I was 19 as well, like get a tattoo because it pissed my mum off. It's just a big cry for help.'

Yes, given that before Sharon Osbourne tried to turn herself in Oprah Winfrey, she worked as a manager for a heavy rock band, the thought of a tattoo must have been so shocking for her.

It's good to see that Kelly - who is employed by both the BBC and The Sun to offer advice to youngsters in turmoil - reacts to someone issuing what she defines as a cry for help by dismissing them as "a bit sad". God help anyone who rings the Sunday Surgery having taken an overdose unless they really mean it, eh.

Actually, it's also interesting to see that Kelly thinks getting her tattoo is on a par with getting married. Admittedly, both carry the overhead of unpleasant injections into your body, but at least Peaches chose a way that can be removed with a quick annulment rather than the need for laser surgery further down the line.

Kelly is rightly annoyed by people who try to draw attention to themselves, of course. It stops people giving attention to her and her fabulous opinions:

Speaking at the Virgin Mobile V Festival she also called X Factor judge Dannii Minogue 'a woman that doesn't like anyone that's younger and prettier than her'

.
Well, that's Dannii's falling-out with Sharon Osbourne explained, then.

Who to turn to? How about Kelly Osbourne?

With Pixie Geldof having been the first to offer advice to people struggling to cope with disappointing exam results, you'd have thought that young people would, by now, all be fine.

But apparently Pixie wasn't enough on her own to solve the problems, so the Sun have drafted in Kelly Osbourne, who brings her own advice about coping with adversity:

I’LL be honest, I’m not a huge fan of exams and the stress they put on people.

Thank you, Kelly, for your brutal honesty. Thank god someone is prepared to stand up to exams.

I make no secret of the fact that I didn’t sit mine.

Given that you grew up in public and had your every motion explored by MTV, you'd find it difficult if you wanted to, surely?

But you know what Kelly's found? It turns out, hey, these exam things - they could be quite, you know, important:

But since joining Radio 1 for my Sunday Surgery show and taking calls from worried teenagers, as well as speaking to experts, I can understand why so many of you think exams are important and what the best ways are of dealing with the stress they cause.

You'll note that this is since she took a job on Radio One talking to listeners about their problems. Somehow, the BBC had managed to take on an advisor who didn't understand that exams mean a lot to teenagers.

Somewhere in the Sunday Surgery office is a large flipchart, a line down the middle, and lists of 'good' and 'bad': vegetables, work, condoms, sleep - good; stress, unemployment, chlamydia - bad.

Kelly then goes on to churn through some vaguely-worded advice:

You’ve always got options — and lots of them. Doing your exams again is something lots of students do.

Bear in mind she's meant to be offering advice to A-level students, and yet she's writing as if for someone who has just failed to identify three out of five flashcards.

As she turns to suggesting getting a job, I was going to do a "why not speak to your mummy or daddy and see if they can find you a job with a friend who owes them a big, big favour?" parody, but I don't think I can top what Kelly actually wrote:

But what about getting a job doing something that’s your passion?

It may not be for everyone but you’ll get paid and learn from the best people already doing it.

It could be great fun.

And, let's face it, you never really wanted to be a doctor anyway. Does Kelly really not think that, perhaps, people were doing the exams because they wanted to follow their passion but needed some exam passes to get to the starting point? "I've failed my a-levels, so I'll just go and become a barrister straight away, then instead."

Kelly wraps up:

Talking to your family — and not comparing yourself with your friends — is so important.

You’ve got to remember that, whatever you decide, you’ve got to make sure you’re happy.

Life is so much more than making the right grade.

Curse the demands of space - she didn't have room for "it's always darkest before the dawn" and "chin up."

Can someone give Kelly Osbourne Hans Moretti's phone number?

For reasons we can't quite fathom - and we've tried, believe me - Fox is preparing a variety show hosted by The Osbournes.

Yes, the whole gang is on board:

Mr. Osbourne, wife Sharon and offspring Jack and Kelly all will participate in the show, which will resemble modern-day European variety shows that mix elements of competition, stunts and performances. One person familiar with the pitch compared it to a combination of the popular Spanish-language series "Sabado Gigante," "Saturday Night Takeaway" and the German game-show format "Wetten, dass?" (Wanna Bet?).

[Fox's Mike] Darnell said he had been trying to find a way to revive the variety format for several years. He even developed a U.S. version of "Saturday Night Takeaway."

"But I always veered away from it because it was missing something, which turned out to be the right front people," he said. "I realized that with the right hosts, you can make it work."

We're guessing that Darnell somehow missed Sharon's chat shows on both sides of the Atlantic and what happened when Team Osbourne attempted to present the Brits; either that, or his faith in Ozzy being the sort of "right host" that can "make it work" is so touching as to veer into the downright religious.

It all smacks a little of that segment on the Simpsons' pilot show where the family turn up in dungarees doing a song-and-dance show, with a replacement Lisa. Or a cruel parody of Hear'Say It's Saturday.

Darkness at 3AM: What and the city?

It must be great for the 3AM Girls having an early-evening world premiere on their patch - no need to hold the mighty Daily Mirror presses; they can just slip the red carpet gossip into the paper before the sun sets.

So, what went on, 3AMies?

Oh. Lindsay Lohan is going to sell her tights? Kelly Osbourne had a Subway sandwich? Did nobody tell them about the premiere? Or are they just waiting until it comes out on DVD?

Darkness at 3AM: A little behind deadline

Perhaps the 3AM Girls really do stay up to 3AM writing their column, which would explain why (a) it reads like it's been written by people who desperately want to be asleep and (b) it sometimes doesn't come spuming out of the TrinityMirror RSS machine until lunchtime.

Now they're live, we can all enjoy what sort-of-passes for wit amongst the Spice Girls:

Geri Halliwell has taken a pop at Eddie Murphy, who still hasn't seen his baby with her fellow Spice Girl Mel B. Asked to name her favourite Murphy film, Geri sneered: "Daddy Day Care."

Well, yes, that'll show Murphy.

They also find room fro this:

Kelly Osbourne certainly doesn't have the luck of the Irish. She tracked down digits for Danny O'Donoghue, of Dublin rockers The Script, so she could call for a meet-up - but he was in LA working.

Woman discovers man she doesn't know isn't in when she phones him! Hold the front page! We do, however, enjoy the implication that while Osbourne might lack the luck of the Irish, it certainly didn't desert O'Donoghue. If, of course, he really was working in LA, and not merely hiding behind the sofa mouthing "tell her I'm in LA" when Kelly rang.