Gordon in the morning: Eddie Murphy does some Riddling

Thrillingly exciting exclusive news from Gordon and Jess Rogers this morning, claiming to know who's going to be in the next Batman movie:

FUNNYMAN EDDIE MURPHY will play The Riddler in the next Batman movie, The Sun can reveal.

"Funnyman" is always a bit of a rubbish description of a person, but even more so when you're talking about Murphy, who scientists have proved hasn't done anything funny since about 1974.

Execs have also signed up rising Transformers star SHIA LABEOUF, 22, to play Robin.

Still, quite a scoop there, Gordon - let's hope you're not ending the year with a duff Eddie Murphy story. You know, like the way you started the year with a duff Eddie Murphy story and claimed he'd got married to Tracey Edwards. It won't be like that, will it?

Hang on... what's this in CinemaBlend this morning?

The Sun claims that Eddie Murphy has been signed to play the Riddler and Shia LaBeouf is set to play Robin. This is entirely untrue.

We spoke to a proven industry source of ours earlier tonight who confirmed to us not only that the rumor is a fake, but where and how The Sun got their information. Unfortunately, in order to protect our source's anonymity we can’t tell you. Ain’t that fun? But we're certain, there’s no truth to this at all.

So, The Sun have built a story on "insiders", while CinemaBlend are knocking it down on a "proven industry source". You pay your money...

I've been told, by the way, by a small knitted teddy bear finger puppet, that The Riddler is actually going to be played by Phil Cool "taking Gordon's funnyman, and raising it with a rubber-faced funnyman."

Gordon also runs a story about Uri Gellar wanting to hid subliminal, positive-thinking messages on singles:

The Israeli-born spoon-bender has become so concerned with the prospect of global financial collapse he’s teamed up with his pal MICHAEL JACKSON in an attempt to safeguard our future.

Uri now wants to bend our ears with an uplifting subliminal message on selected singles. It features himself and Jacko calling on people to think positively in a bid to end recession.

Wasn't Uri in the papers recently explaining that he doesn't see so much of Michael since Jackson got kind of busy?

Still, Gordon does weigh the benefits of his plan as if Uri wasn't a self-publicising sideshow:

His cutlery-curling career was plagued by allegations that he was a fraud, and he was unable to bend spoons chosen for him when he was on The Tonight Show in the US in 1973.

But we know the credit crunch is biting — unemployment is spiralling, house prices collapsing... someone has to do something.

But certainly not Uri. And certainly not this.

Yes, because once you switch on a mumbling subliminal message from Uri and Jacko, how would you switch it off? Within weeks, we'd all be a race of over-positive superhumans. There wouldn't be a safe spoon on the planet.

Darkness at 3AM: A little behind deadline

Perhaps the 3AM Girls really do stay up to 3AM writing their column, which would explain why (a) it reads like it's been written by people who desperately want to be asleep and (b) it sometimes doesn't come spuming out of the TrinityMirror RSS machine until lunchtime.

Now they're live, we can all enjoy what sort-of-passes for wit amongst the Spice Girls:

Geri Halliwell has taken a pop at Eddie Murphy, who still hasn't seen his baby with her fellow Spice Girl Mel B. Asked to name her favourite Murphy film, Geri sneered: "Daddy Day Care."

Well, yes, that'll show Murphy.

They also find room fro this:

Kelly Osbourne certainly doesn't have the luck of the Irish. She tracked down digits for Danny O'Donoghue, of Dublin rockers The Script, so she could call for a meet-up - but he was in LA working.

Woman discovers man she doesn't know isn't in when she phones him! Hold the front page! We do, however, enjoy the implication that while Osbourne might lack the luck of the Irish, it certainly didn't desert O'Donoghue. If, of course, he really was working in LA, and not merely hiding behind the sofa mouthing "tell her I'm in LA" when Kelly rang.

Gordon in the morning: What a charmer

Gordon handles the big story on Bizarre this morning himself. Indeed, to make it clear who's in charge, the byline is:

By GORDON SMART
Bizarre Editor

Just in case you forget who's nominally in charge.

He's leading with the news that Eddie Murphy's not bothering to sort out the legal problems in his new marriage; a story covered in slightly more depth on E! Online who have all the details Gordon has, but also run the official statement:

“After much consideration and discussion, we have jointly decided that we will forego having a legal ceremony as it is not necessary to define our relationship further.

"While the recent symbolic union in Bora Bora was representative of our deep love, friendship and respect that we have for one another on a spiritual level, we have decided to remain friends.”

Still, it's not like that's all Gordon has this morning. He's been given a photo of Nicola Roberts accepting a delivery "first thing in the morning" as he acknowledges.

What do people look like first thing in the morning? Generally, if you tumble out of bed, not your best. Gordon, though, seems outraged that anyone dare open their door without being glammed up first:

Tried the hair of the dog, Nic?

Yes, a journalist on a major newspaper is calling a woman who fails to please him "a dog". Let's hope his bosses Rebekah and Victoria never dare to show up at the office without a brush through her hair.

Eddie Murphy does the right thing, grudgingly, belatedly

Eddie Murphy has issued a statement accepting that he's not going to be able to wriggle out of this one ("accepting paternity of Mel B's kid"):

"He acknowledges paternity of the child, Angel, and has paid child support to Ms Brown as well as covering the expenses of her pregnancy."

The star added that he "views this as a private matter and as such, will not be making any further comments about it".

Exactly. As he did when he went on the television and implied, in front of the viewing millions, that the woman he'd impregnated was such a harlot it was impossible to discern who may or may not be the father. That sort of private matter.

Mel B formalises public row with Murphy

We hope that, amongst the outcomes of the official paternity petition Mel B has filed against Eddie Murphy, they formalise the pairing of Angel's surnames. We like the idea of someone who will be going around called Murphy Brown.

Mel B continues to demonstrate how over Eddie Murphy she is

We're glad that Mel B has managed to put the unpleasantness with Eddie Murphy behind her - why, she barely mentions it these days. The latest barely mentioning it comes in the form of a in-depth interview about her relationship with him. It seems she was somewhat surprised to hear she was no longer his girlfriend, as she believed she was his fiance:

hey were apparently going to buy a house in Malibu together, although they'd disagreed over their differing lifestyles - something the singer had planned to iron out with Eddie but never had the chance to do after he started dating Tracey Edmonds. "When I left for London I thought I would return and we'd finish our discussion. Instead, I returned to: 'It's over and I'm with somebody else.' For me that was confusing. I still haven't received closure."

The whole going-on-the-tv-and-calling-your-partner-the-sort-of-skanky-ho-whose-child-might-have-any-number -of-fathers thing would probably have been enough closure for most people.

But it's surprisingly trusting of her to have a row and then fly away half-way through. My old gran used to say "never let the sun go down on an argument, especially if you have a taxi waiting to whisk you five thousand miles away.

And they say romance is dead

The man who is currently seeing Mel B must feel a warm glow as he reads her warm words about him:

“He’s the love of my life and I’m going to marry him.”

Aah. There's no sense at all there that this is a rebound thing designed as some sort of high-profile two-fingers to Eddie Murphy or anything:

Mel is in sensational shape following the birth and told a pal: “Stephen’s been a godsend.

“Eddie hasn’t been in touch once since I had the baby, it’s unbelievable. But Stephen has been a tower of strength.”

And Mel put the knife in to Eddie saying: “Stephen’s got a much bigger cock as well!”

Oh.

Beckham tries to raise profile

In a desperate bid to try and get herself noticed in America, Victoria Beckham is trying to start a high-profile feud.

By threatening to cut off Eddie Murphy's penis.

We're sure the soccerman's wife having a go at one of the more bankable Hollywood names will be a great help to her in establishing her career, and isn't the most ill-judged piece of fake-controversy-stirring since I'm A Celeb booked John Lydon.

You can rest easy now

The DNA test results are back in, and it's official: Eddie Murphy is the father of Mel B's child and, from this, we can extrapolate that the man is something of a cur, having gone on the television to deny his paternity and suggest the mother of his child... well, we know what he was implying.

It's unclear if Murphy will now be forced to follow the Spice Girls traveling caravan changing nappies and singing nursery rhymes.

Baby for Scary

The slightly ominous Mel B pregnancy has ended with the birth of a child of some sort. Apparently B has a spokesperson:

"The baby is completely healthy with a good head of hair," she said. "No name has been decided on as yet, and she is purely known as Baby Brown."

Aah! After Aunty Emma, presumably.

The baby will be probed at some point in the future to determine if Eddie Murphy is a cuckold or a cad.