Karen O, baby

Yes, Karen O is going to have a baby.

But more importantly, this:

You have to feel sorry for Kerry Katona

She can't even get married without being upstaged by one of the others from Atomic Kitten:

FORMER Atomic Kitten pop star Natasha Hamilton has thanked Bristol’s Southmead Hospital after she went into suspected labour at bandmate Kerry Katona’s wedding.

That's a way to upstage the bride.

Her baby’s dad is Ritchie Neville, 35, from boyband 5ive, so the baby, who they have already decided to call Ella, will be 90s pop royalty.

90s pop royalty being approximately equal to a pre-unification Germanic duchy, really, and even on that scale the baby is one of those royals a long way from the throne. Kind of King Ralph distance.

“It was a late wedding, so the speeches were going on at 9pm when Natasha started feeling a bit sick."

We can only imagine.

Everyone ended up alright, thanks to the NHS. Although Katona might be slightly less than thrilled at the stealing of thunder.

Jessica Simpson has something to say

Why on earth would Jessica Simpson be jealous of Kate Middleton?

(I know, why wouldn't she?)

Pop star Jessica Simpson says she was jealous of Duchess Kate's pregnancy.

The 33-year-old singer, who gave birth to her second child in June, said Kate was glowing throughout her pregnancy, reported Us magazine.

"Kate Middleton was glowing throughout her pregnancy. A lot of pregnant moms were looking at her like, 'How do you do that?!'"

Here's a hint, Jessica: if all you have to worry about is remembering which button you press for the muffin maid, and which you press to summon the butter butler, it's a lot easier to glow.

The real puzzle in this piece, though, is the description of Simspon as a "pop star" - aside from yet-another-Christmas-album, she's not released a record since 2008, and hasn't troubled the top ten in the US since the last millennium. Surely "former" pop star at best?

Gordon in the morning: One's kid by our kid

Could there be an "angle" on the pregnancy of Mrs Cambridge that has been left untouched in the slew of non-stories over the last couple of days?

Oh, yes. Here's one: parenting advice from Noel Gallagher:

Noel, who ditched his hardcore party days years ago, said: “They’re not the first people in the country to have a child, are they?

“I’ve got three, you know. Do I have any advice for them? People write books about that s***. Very expensive books — my wife’s got ’em all.

“Tell William he’d be better thinking about rejoining the Army — he’d have a quieter life.”

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.

Interestingly, there is an increasing trend showing in Noel's "wit" that's started to appear since the Oasis gravy train smashed into the station wall. A lot of his jokes revolve around how much stuff is worth and how much money he could get for doing things - there was the guff about how Beady Eye playing Oasis catalogue earned him cash; now we've got a reluctance to give advice because you could sell that stuff. Maybe Noel's feeling the pinch.

Gordon in the morning: Something is growing inside, but we don't talk about it, do we?

Some pretty weak stuff about Beyonce this morning, as Gordon runs a photo given to him by ITV to puff a programme this weekend:

No sign of the baBey

By GORDON SMART, Showbiz Editor

ANY pregnant women watching A Night With Beyonce on TV this Sunday will want to know where she got this maternity get-up.

The singer is eight months pregnant but appears perfectly slim on the ITV1 show.

Goodness! Has Gordon stumbled onto something here?

It's sure to fire internet rumour

Yes, the one that claims that - like Gordon's old boss, Rebekah Phonehakah Brooks - Beyonce has got a surrogate parent on the books. So is this solid evidence, Gordon?

but she's actually only bump-less because it was recorded back in the summer.

In other words, Gordon has run a piece saying "look, this woman doesn't look eight months pregnant because, erm, she wasn't eight months pregnant."

Even an internet conspiracy nut wouldn't bother with that. Although it's good enough for The Sun, it seems.

Gordon in the morning: Medical records

There's two things about Richard White's story on Victoria Beckham's birth plan that leads Gordon's caravan off today.

The first is the bloody awful writing:

They have even shortlisted the name Atlanta for their baby girl, due to the hundreds of thousands of airmiles they have notched up flying across the pond.

Posh, 37, had preliminarily booked a C-section at London's private Portland hospital on July 4 - one of the biggest holidays in the US.

More importantly, there's a bigger question of how The Sun knows about all these plans, and why Gordon and Richard thought we needed to know?

Also: Atlanta? If the Beckhams are that frequently flying, why they hell would they be using the Atlanta hub?

Gordon in the morning: What are you doing, Bear?

I know that times must be tough at Wapping right now, but... what the hell is this?

Apparently, Victoria Beckham has been eating a lot of Marmalade, so "deputy Bizarre editor" Lia Nicholls has had this made. It's meant to be Paddington, but with Beckham's face. Yes.

Surely the joke when you hear Victoria is eating lots of marmalade is "let's hope it doesn't make her skin permanently orange"?

Two days running now that the main story has been written by one of Gordon's underlings - perhaps he's on holiday. Or in a back room going through paperwork for whatever reason.

"Pregnant woman allegedly has craving" is a bit of a thin story - shredless, if you like - to spread over a lead, and even putting in a photo of a jar of marmalade doesn't fill the yawning hole. Lia battles on, though, trying to hit the word count:

She is among 40 per cent of expectant mothers who list "something sweet" as their number one food craving.

But this - and even a pedantic description of "English breakfast tea" accompanying the food - doesn't quite make it. In the end, she's reduced to this:

Meanwhile Tesco is trying to revive the popularity of marmalade by selling oranges so customers can make their OWN.

Recent research shows sales are falling as shoppers turn to sweeter alternatives like chocolate spread.

A spokesman said: "We want to maintain this fine breakfast tradition."

Now, you'll have spotted that in an earlier bid to fill the page, Lia suggested Posh was having a craving for sweet things, but here, she's saying that Posh's craving isn't actually that sweet at all.

Clearly, we should be relieved that Wapping have stopped getting their stories by hacking into people's phones and are now filling their gossip columns by recycling old grocery press releases.

In other 'news':

BEATLES legend PAUL MCCARTNEY tells comic JAMES CORDEN he's too FAT to go to Africa in Comic Relief's funniest-ever sketch.

Ha ha ha - you see, because James Corden is fat. That's why it's funny.

Of course, given that amongst the charities Comic Relief support are anti-bullying groups, you might wonder if building a sketch around someone being told they can't be part of the gang because they're "a bloater", "tubby" and greedy is actually that well thought-out - isn't that just making people who bully kids who are overweight think that it's okay?

Gordon in the morning: Pink and Black

It's probably too late to hope that the way pregnant women are infantalised by the tabloids will stop - all that talk of "bumps" - but as ever, Gordon has raised the bar in the wrong direction. Talking about Pink:

And it's great to see that she's Keith Cheggers with her first child, showing off the bump in a bikini.

Keith Cheggers? I've heard of cockney rhyming slang, but don't think I've come across cock rhyming slang before.

The lead on Bizarre, though, is some incoherent complaint from Serge out of Kasabian that footballers aren't 1970s rock stars. No, really:

Serge said: "These boys can claim the money but they can't claim the attitude just yet. Footballers have definitely got rock stars' money now, but I couldn't name you one that's got any claim on spirit.

"Andy Carroll has the hair and he definitely likes a drink. He kind of looks a bit BLACK SABBATH."

What does this actually mean? The normal assumption would be that an athlete probably would raise less hell than a rock musician, what with being reliant on their athleticism and all - but even that's not true, is it? Pizzorno really thinks that the "attitude" he looks for isn't present in the likes of Cole and Rooney? They're every bit as childishly behaved as any guitarist, surely? It's a bit like suggesting that bankers don't have the greed any more.

Gordon in the morning: Gordon finds out how pregnancy works

PREGNANT Sophie Dahl keeps getting bigger - which is more than can be said for her pint-size hubby Jamie Cullum.

Um... yes, Gordon, that's generally what happens during pregnancy.

Gordon in the morning: Allen the family

It only encourages him:

PREGNANT singer LILY ALLEN beamed yesterday "It's a Sun."

The thrilled mum-to-be took to Twitter to show off my exclusive front page story that she is expecting for the first time.

Seriously. I suspect that Allen was as much rolling her eyes as welcoming The Sun's decision to splash her womb across the paper, but that doesn't seem to have bothered Gordon.

Lily posed with a copy of Britain's favourite paper and posted it up for her two million plus followers to see.

This could turn into a recursive loop, so let's hope Lily doesn't post a copy of this story, otherwise Gordon will have to report on that, which she'll have to post, and so on and so on, until we can't remember why it wasn't really any of our business in the first place.

In other stuff that we can't quite bring ourselves to call news, Robbie Williams is apparently getting married in a secret ceremony tomorrow. Not entirely sure who it's a secret from - perhaps Gordon's using the word "secret" to mean "not yet posted to Lily Allen's Twitter for her two million followers to see":

Secretive Robbie and his bride-to-be told family and close friends of the date only last week.

Perhaps he was trying to keep it out of the papers.

Unbelievably, Gordon decides this event requires him to offer an opinion:

myVIEW
By GORDON SMART
Bizarre Editor

That bit would have been the easy bit. But... what then, Gordon? What could you possibly have to say?

ROBBIE Williams has been tamed.

Really? That's it?

Do you have anything to actually say, or is this just an excuse for a bit of name-dropping?

But his best girlfriend to date is Ayda. It's no coincidence she might just happen to be the least famous of them all. I met her when I interviewed Robbie in his mum's London flat last year. She's seriously fit.

Wow. That manages to combine being shallow with being a bit creepy.

I wonder if Gordon told Ayda she was Williams' "best girlfriend to date"?

She's good for Robbie and he's finally realised it's what he needs to keep him sane. Now he really is rich beyond his wildest dreams.

Actually, that's quite a sweet little line to end on. Pity it came after a couple of hundred words of poking the future Mrs Williams like she was a prize cow - and absolutely no suggestion that Ayda is also getting married; it's almost as if marrying Robbie Williams is something that is being done at her.

Gordon in the morning: What does this mean?

It's early, but even if I were wide awake I think I'd be struggling with this:

PREGNANT X Factor star Dannii Minogue knows how to dress as a heavy - and so does her boyfriend Kris Smith.

The Aussie singer, 38 - due to give birth in July - covered her bump in a smock on a trip out in Melbourne.

Gordon goes on to say that Kris Smith wore sunglasses and a jacket, which made him look like "a bouncer", which makes some sort of sense. But how is "wearing a smock" dressing like a heavy? Although it's not a smock, it's a blouse. And isn't wearing a shirt a fairly ordinary thing for a woman, pregnant or no, to do? Surely writing for The Sun doesn't lead you to believe that most women walk around without shirts?

Gordon in the morning: Noel Gallagher has a lot in common with David Cameron

There's going to be another Gallagher child, as Noel is about to become a Daddy again. We can only be thankful that the pain he was telling the Canadian courts about yesterday didn't interfere with that.

Given that all he has is 'Noel and Sara are expecting', Gordon goes to extremes to fill in a story about this. Luckily, he doesn't get his Photoshop guys to mock up the moment of conception. Instead, he reaches for "a source":

A source said: "Noel and Sara are over the moon. They're so happy that Donovan will have a little partner in crime to play with. Their family is complete.

"Their pals have been joking that Nelson is a frontrunner on names as they think the baby was conceived on a holiday to South Africa."

Got to love the "their family is complete" bit - because that's exactly the sort of thing you say to other people at the start of a pregnancy. "If anyone asks, tell them our family is complete."

But what's this about Nelson? It turns out it's something that's been made up purely to allow a punning headline:

Noels Son Mandela

- which would only be clever if the baby had been going to be called Nelson. As it is, Gordon doesn't really have any reason to expect it's going to be a boy.

Still, if there's one thing Gordon knows about, it's Noel Gallagher:

Noel - who has a daughter Anais, ten, from a previous relationship - has been taking a break from the limelight since Oasis split last summer.

Smart does admit that this break includes playing two gigs at the Royal Albert Hall, but also seems to have missed the whole 'making an advert for tennis shoes', announcing a new solo project, and attempting to take the focus off Kasabian at the WarChild post-Brits gig, and giving a statement about being pushed over to the courts, and offering support to the World Cup bid and...

Gordon in the morning: Everyone is on teh drucks

Oh, what larks: a recording session supposedly featuring Amy Winehouse and Snoop Dogg went, predictably, nowhere and Gordon knows why.

They were all on the drugs.

AMY WINEHOUSE isn’t shy of herbal refreshments and SNOOP DOGG has built his career on smoking industrial-strength marijuana.

Gordon's view of drugs apparently was formed when he was a student, and hasn't shifted much since:

So when the two teamed up in the studio, mountains of Monster Munch were eaten... but not a great deal of music was laid down.

This all took place last year, but presumably the dude who told Gordon had, like, totally forgotten all about it.

Oh, and this is your headline on drugs:

Amy's tracks pawsed

Gordon does know he's not an actual dog, right?

Also in this morning's Bizarre is a piece by Sara Nathan, which turns the question of elective caesarean into, well, a spectator sport:

PREGNANT COLEEN ROONEY is planning a Caesarean birth for her baby, so hubby WAYNE can play for England in a key World Cup qualifier.
[...]
Now pals have revealed that excited Coleen has consulted doctors about having a Caesarean in late September. That would allow Man Utd ace Wayne, 23, to witness the birth and help care for their tot in its earliest days before joining his countrymen for the crunch match.

The excellent Tabloid Lies already spent some time this week explaining why the match isn't actually a crunch match at all.

What makes this story worse though is Nathan then goes on to gibber:

“Pregnancy is a miracle, but it’s still the early stages. I really want to be able to keep as quiet and calm as possible for the sake of our baby.”

... and what could be a better way to help with that than by speculating on the delivery method and linking it, falsely, to if England will qualify for the World Cup or not?

But, since you mention it:

The couple, jointly worth £30million, do not yet know the sex of their child.

But friends say they have joked that they will choose James if it turns out to be a boy — because they think the baby was conceived after their 007-themed bash on New Year’s Eve.

Really? Only if the baby was conceived on New Year's Eve, Sara, wouldn't Colleen's due date be the 23rd September, making it almost impossible that the baby wouldn't have been delivered long before the match? And rendering your story a bit pointless?

Mama MIA

Apparently, nothing increases your fertility like idiots calling you a terrorist: MIA is pregnant.

Barack Obama is feeling slightly queasy this morning, and hoping it's just the shellfish he ate last night.

How did Mel C celebrate the end of the fraught Spice Girls tour?

Congratulations to Mel C, who has just announced her pregnancy.

With all the Spices now having entered parenthood, the chilling prospect of a Lil'Spices tour in 2018 edges ever closer.

After the festival moves on

Surely this can't be true of UK festivals too - can it? a nurse in Colorado claims that Grand Rapids' festival leaves behind much more than churned mud and empty cider cans:

Nurse-Family Partnership supervisor Wanda Scott says referrals to her agency from the Mesa County Health Department quadruple every year after the music festival Country Jam. Scott told commissioners about the phenomena Monday during a presentation called, "How are the Children?"

Scott says on average the health clinic sees between 25 and 30 pregnancies a month. She says five weeks after the festival that number jumps to almost 80 a month.

At long last, then, there's the answer to stopping unwanted pregnancies: just hide the country musicians' guitars.

Pete Wentz: Smells nice, but avoids pink

Pete Wentz, of course, would have you believe he's some sort of sensitive, alternative type. Why, he even wears eyeliner.

He'll be a laid-back parent, won't he?

No, of course:

"I'd like to know the sex of the baby. It would be a bummer if you bought a boy a bunch of pink stuff!"

Good lord, no. Can you imagine? That might lead the kid to grow up unlike everyone else. A bit different. And that would never do.

Foo swaps

The Raveonettes' Sharin Foo is preparing to bring forth a little Foo, and so, for the current US tour, her part is being played by her sister, Louise Foo.

We have been asked not to go with the 'this will prove if there's no Foo like an old Foo' joke, and have decided to oblige.

Wentz and Mrs Wentz: The next generation

Having waited until after the wedding ("the first trimester"), Mr and Mrs Wentz have now announced publicly that Jennifer Jessica Simpson is to be an auntie:

"While many have speculated about this, we wanted to wait until after the first trimester to officially confirm that we are expecting our first child. This is truly the most joyous time in our lives and we are excited to share the happy news and start our family."

The baby is expected to have its mother's nose - although not until he or she old enough to consent to an operation.

Daily Mail airbrushes 'fat' Presley story

Seemingly having forgotten telling its readers last week that Lisa Marie Presley was a fat lump, eating her way into an early grave, the Daily Mail trumpets today:

Lisa Marie Presley looked pregnant and proud as she unveiled her budding baby bump in Los Angeles.

The daughter of rock icon Elvis stepped out with third husband, musician and producer Michael Lockwood in Beverly Hills, following confirmation that she is pregnant with her third child.

Oddly, the paper can't find space to mention that she actually wanted to keep her pregnancy to herself, and the "confirmation" came after she was forced to issue a statement about her pregnancy after papers - like the Mail - had started running a hate campaign against her. Or, indeed, that she's suing the Mail over the allegations.

Still, perhaps the Mail has learned its lesson and won't run spiteful pieces about women's looks for no real reason other than scoffing any more.

Oh, hang on: What's this?

Hair-raising: Celine Dion takes to the stage with furry legs

Her face had been carefully made up, nails polished and outfit primped just so, but Celine Dion forgot one important thing before performing in Toyko over the weekend.

It appeared the My Heart Will Go On singer had forgotten to wax her legs, with severe back lighting revealing their rather hairy state as she strutted around the stage.

Alright, then. Maybe not.