Gordon in the morning: Wiltshire, Manhattan

If you can believe a word of what appears in Bizarre...

Well, let's just pretend we can, shall we?

Madonna is supposedly trying to recreate her Wiltshire mansion in New York. Perhaps she's reaching the age where it's just going to make it easier to find the toilet in the night if it's in the same layout.

Let's hope the architects charged with creating a clone of the mansion don't try to get a look at the original, what with how Madonna had people's rights to cross her land removed on the grounds that she was Madonna.

Meanwhile, Sara Nathan files a report that the Kidscape charity has nothing better to do than issue press releases about Jordan calling Peter Andre a cunt on Twitter:

Kidscape director Claude Knights said: "Celebrities have a responsibility not to negatively influence young people. Teenagers have a huge presence on Twitter and young girls model themselves on female idols."

Well, yes, but if Kidscape think this is the sort of thing it should be spending its time and money doing, wouldn't it be better off trying to campaign against the idea that a woman who has made her money showing her tits to people is a brilliant role model in the first place?

Gordon in the morning: Everyone is on teh drucks

Oh, what larks: a recording session supposedly featuring Amy Winehouse and Snoop Dogg went, predictably, nowhere and Gordon knows why.

They were all on the drugs.

AMY WINEHOUSE isn’t shy of herbal refreshments and SNOOP DOGG has built his career on smoking industrial-strength marijuana.

Gordon's view of drugs apparently was formed when he was a student, and hasn't shifted much since:

So when the two teamed up in the studio, mountains of Monster Munch were eaten... but not a great deal of music was laid down.

This all took place last year, but presumably the dude who told Gordon had, like, totally forgotten all about it.

Oh, and this is your headline on drugs:

Amy's tracks pawsed

Gordon does know he's not an actual dog, right?

Also in this morning's Bizarre is a piece by Sara Nathan, which turns the question of elective caesarean into, well, a spectator sport:

PREGNANT COLEEN ROONEY is planning a Caesarean birth for her baby, so hubby WAYNE can play for England in a key World Cup qualifier.
[...]
Now pals have revealed that excited Coleen has consulted doctors about having a Caesarean in late September. That would allow Man Utd ace Wayne, 23, to witness the birth and help care for their tot in its earliest days before joining his countrymen for the crunch match.

The excellent Tabloid Lies already spent some time this week explaining why the match isn't actually a crunch match at all.

What makes this story worse though is Nathan then goes on to gibber:

“Pregnancy is a miracle, but it’s still the early stages. I really want to be able to keep as quiet and calm as possible for the sake of our baby.”

... and what could be a better way to help with that than by speculating on the delivery method and linking it, falsely, to if England will qualify for the World Cup or not?

But, since you mention it:

The couple, jointly worth £30million, do not yet know the sex of their child.

But friends say they have joked that they will choose James if it turns out to be a boy — because they think the baby was conceived after their 007-themed bash on New Year’s Eve.

Really? Only if the baby was conceived on New Year's Eve, Sara, wouldn't Colleen's due date be the 23rd September, making it almost impossible that the baby wouldn't have been delivered long before the match? And rendering your story a bit pointless?

Gordon in the morning: Yes, Virginia, there is a rule of law

The big news in Gordon's kingdom this morning is Madonna being told 'no':

Madonna screamed ‘Whaaaat’ and held head in her hands

That's probably 'what' as in 'what does this thing 'no' mean? It's a word I've heard, of course, but not one that has ever been directed towards my face before.'

Yes, Virginia Wheeler is finally doing some reporting from the court room in Malawi.

STUNNED MADONNA screamed “Whaaaat?” and held her head in her hands yesterday after a judge sensationally DENIED her bid to adopt a second Malawian orphan.

Perhaps Madonna was so surprised because she'd been reading Wheeler's reports that the whole thing was a done deal. Court was a "rubber stamp", wasn't it, Virginia?

The head of the orphanage where Mercy will today return said the ruling would be “like a dagger in Madonna’s heart”.

Annie Chikhwaza, who runs the Kondanani Children’s Home where the tot has spent most of her life, re-introduced Mercy to Madge when the singer touched down in Malawi last week.

And she revealed the excited little girl’s first word when she saw Madonna was “Mummy”.

Now, you or I might think this is a sign that the orphanage and Madonna have been handling this whole thing really badly - Madonna, apparently, making promises to a child that she thought were underwritten by her cash; the orphanage not cautioning that no child should be told they're being adopted until the paperwork is in place. This seems pretty scandalous.

So, surely Virginia will want to make sure her readers remember exactly who has been at the heart of this story, and the only person who should matter?

Well, sort of:

A family friend said: “Madonna is an amazing woman who always gets what she wants.

“This is a massive embarrassment for her. She is furious, shocked, devastated and cannot believe what’s happened.”

Back in Britain, and more surprise for anyone who relies on the Sun's reports to understand the world. You'll recall yesterday how the triumvirate of Gordon Smart, Sara Nathan and James Clench diagnosed Matthew Horne's illness:

The actor, said to be suffering from exhaustion, was taken off on a stretcher, breathing with an oxygen mask[...]
A source said: “Mat has been working so hard. He is a fragile guy. Friends worried he was taking on too much. It’s been stressful.”

Doctors last night said Mat was suffering severe stress.

Oddly, though, today a fourth writer, Rhodri Phillips turns up to deliver today's update:

COMIC actor Mathew Horne — who collapsed on stage during a West End show — is suffering from a virus, it was revealed yesterday.
[...]
It had been thought the Gavin and Stacey star, who appears in a TV sketch show and the film Lesbian Vampire Killers, could be suffering exhaustion.

Really... I wonder what could have made it "had been thought" that?

Gordon in the morning: The low groan on the treadmill is the sound of Madonna being shattered

What's this? Has Virginia Wheeler had second thoughts about Madonna's "adoption"?

Madge is unfit mother

Has Virginia considered the reasons why plucking a child, labeling him or her an "orphan", taking them from their family and pushing them into the arms of a nanny or two, might be bad for the child, however good it makes the 'adopter' look?

No, of course not:

MADONNA’S tour of African orphanages was suspended yesterday after she twisted her ankle falling off a treadmill.

[Footage of Michael Parkinson looking concerned unavailable at this time]

Yes, a treadmill. In Malawi. Why do you find that strange?

The singer, 50, had gym equipment specially flown to Malawi so she could keep fit.

Does anyone remember Madonna taking part in Live Earth? Something about trying to reduce our carbon footprints? Perhaps she was flying in orphan-powered treadmills on planes that floated on the power of Kabbalah alone.

Our local expert on Africa has confirmed that, while some nations on the continent lag behind richer Western nations in infrastructure, Malawi does possess long, flat surfaces upon which those keen to have a little jog could have a little jog. "The other advantage of running on the ground," he observed, "is that it's much harder to fall off."

Also falling over yesterday was Matthew Horne out of Little & Wise. He collapsed on stage during a performance of Entertaining Mr Sloane. Man falls over? That's quite a big story, isn't it? Who's going to write it down?

By SARA NATHAN

Yes, the TV editor. Horne is on television. All the bloody time. Of course. But this is a big story. Can Sara handle it on her own?

, GORDON SMART

Naturally Gordon must help with the story. He knows a lot about... he's... he has expertise to share.

But hang about... Sara is a busy TV editor from London's Wapping, and Gordon has many demands on his time. Those shots of a man in a cardigan looking awkward don't take themselves. We're actually going to need someone to write the story, aren't we?

and JAMES CLENCH

Good. The team's all here. Two editors and a person who has access to a keyboard. A superpowered reporting team. They'll be able - between them - to gain access to secret sources and entertainment deep throats to bring coverage of this man falling over that the general public would never be able to tap into. Hit us with your discoverage, SaraGordonJames:

His MySpace page yesterday said he was “drained”.

Gordon in the morning: Madonna is computers

Wow. Who knew there was still mileage left in the Madonna-Mrs Madonna divorce?

Actually, there isn't, but Gordon's team are going to have a go.

Guy calls Madonna 'IT'

IT? He thinks she's information technology? Can this be right, Sara Nathan?

It turns out she means It. Not IT:

A source revealed: “Guy will say, ‘Oh, It’s in a bad mood today’

Would rather than will, don't you mean? After all, there's not much reason why Ritchies should be reporting on the twinges of Madonna's moods at the moment, is there?
Could this story be as whiskery as... well, this mock-up which we're told is meant to represent either Madonna as Cousin It, or Cousin It as Madonna.

“Even towards the end of their marriage, he would call her It. He told people, ‘We can’t make It angry’.

"Even" toward the end? Like when they were splitting up? Is it surprising that his contempt for his wife should grow rather than decline as the marriage failed?

“There is absolutely no love lost between them.”

That's quite a scoop. If I didn't know better, I'd think Sara's kind of hinting around that the pair might be heading for the divorce court.

Gordon, meanwhile, is cleaning up at the NME awards:

Now I hear bandmate SARAH HARDING has also found herself in hot bog water.

She was at the NME Awards’ aftershow bash when staff trying to close the club found her in the toilets.

Apparently Sarah didn't want to go and started to complain when helped towards the exit.

Gordon is quick to spot the parallel:

WHAT is it with members of GIRLS ALOUD and toilet attendants?

CHERYL COLE ran into trouble in 2003 when she was accused of assaulting a loo supervisor in a club.

The odd thing, though, is the appearance of the word "accused" there - does Gordon not know that she was actually convicted of assault occasioning actual bodily harm? With the judge telling her that "this was an unpleasant piece of drunken violence... you showed no remorse whatsoever"? Or does Gordon recall that, but is afraid to remind people of what happened now that Cole is being lined up as some sort of new Kylie?

Fair enough, there's no need for Cole's conviction to be dredged up all the time, but if you are going to write a story that relies on her punching a poorly-paid toilet attendant, should you really soften the facts to make it sound as if it was an accusation rather than a verdict in a jury trial?

Winehouse is, apparently, a TV affair

The Sun, of course, is keen to ensure that no part of Amy Winehouse's decline is missed, and so has two journalists out in "The Caribbean" (that's as specific as the byline gets), including, as you might expect for such a big story, a section editor.

Not, though, Victoria Newton. In fact, it's TV Editor Sara Nathan who has landed the oh-so-strenuous job of hanging out in the sunshine, alongside James Clench. Curious.

And so what have the pair managed to file from their sunshine trip?

Erm... a story about Mitch Winehouse praying for Amy at her grandfather's grave.

The Mirror's website this morning is reporting a "war" between the various in-laws in the story, but most of the Mirror's showbiz errors are bringing up 404 error pages (branded as icnetwork.co.uk, like some sort of screw-up down memory lane) so we're not entirely sure how the 'war' fits with Mitch's clear and repeated insistence that while he disagrees with the Blake-Fielders' proposed methods, he doesn't want to rise to the bait of blaming each other's kid for the mess they're in.