Gordon in the morning: The low groan on the treadmill is the sound of Madonna being shattered

What's this? Has Virginia Wheeler had second thoughts about Madonna's "adoption"?

Madge is unfit mother

Has Virginia considered the reasons why plucking a child, labeling him or her an "orphan", taking them from their family and pushing them into the arms of a nanny or two, might be bad for the child, however good it makes the 'adopter' look?

No, of course not:

MADONNA’S tour of African orphanages was suspended yesterday after she twisted her ankle falling off a treadmill.

[Footage of Michael Parkinson looking concerned unavailable at this time]

Yes, a treadmill. In Malawi. Why do you find that strange?

The singer, 50, had gym equipment specially flown to Malawi so she could keep fit.

Does anyone remember Madonna taking part in Live Earth? Something about trying to reduce our carbon footprints? Perhaps she was flying in orphan-powered treadmills on planes that floated on the power of Kabbalah alone.

Our local expert on Africa has confirmed that, while some nations on the continent lag behind richer Western nations in infrastructure, Malawi does possess long, flat surfaces upon which those keen to have a little jog could have a little jog. "The other advantage of running on the ground," he observed, "is that it's much harder to fall off."

Also falling over yesterday was Matthew Horne out of Little & Wise. He collapsed on stage during a performance of Entertaining Mr Sloane. Man falls over? That's quite a big story, isn't it? Who's going to write it down?

By SARA NATHAN

Yes, the TV editor. Horne is on television. All the bloody time. Of course. But this is a big story. Can Sara handle it on her own?

, GORDON SMART

Naturally Gordon must help with the story. He knows a lot about... he's... he has expertise to share.

But hang about... Sara is a busy TV editor from London's Wapping, and Gordon has many demands on his time. Those shots of a man in a cardigan looking awkward don't take themselves. We're actually going to need someone to write the story, aren't we?

and JAMES CLENCH

Good. The team's all here. Two editors and a person who has access to a keyboard. A superpowered reporting team. They'll be able - between them - to gain access to secret sources and entertainment deep throats to bring coverage of this man falling over that the general public would never be able to tap into. Hit us with your discoverage, SaraGordonJames:

His MySpace page yesterday said he was “drained”.