Gordon in the morning: Everyone is on teh drucks

Oh, what larks: a recording session supposedly featuring Amy Winehouse and Snoop Dogg went, predictably, nowhere and Gordon knows why.

They were all on the drugs.

AMY WINEHOUSE isn’t shy of herbal refreshments and SNOOP DOGG has built his career on smoking industrial-strength marijuana.

Gordon's view of drugs apparently was formed when he was a student, and hasn't shifted much since:

So when the two teamed up in the studio, mountains of Monster Munch were eaten... but not a great deal of music was laid down.

This all took place last year, but presumably the dude who told Gordon had, like, totally forgotten all about it.

Oh, and this is your headline on drugs:

Amy's tracks pawsed

Gordon does know he's not an actual dog, right?

Also in this morning's Bizarre is a piece by Sara Nathan, which turns the question of elective caesarean into, well, a spectator sport:

PREGNANT COLEEN ROONEY is planning a Caesarean birth for her baby, so hubby WAYNE can play for England in a key World Cup qualifier.
[...]
Now pals have revealed that excited Coleen has consulted doctors about having a Caesarean in late September. That would allow Man Utd ace Wayne, 23, to witness the birth and help care for their tot in its earliest days before joining his countrymen for the crunch match.

The excellent Tabloid Lies already spent some time this week explaining why the match isn't actually a crunch match at all.

What makes this story worse though is Nathan then goes on to gibber:

“Pregnancy is a miracle, but it’s still the early stages. I really want to be able to keep as quiet and calm as possible for the sake of our baby.”

... and what could be a better way to help with that than by speculating on the delivery method and linking it, falsely, to if England will qualify for the World Cup or not?

But, since you mention it:

The couple, jointly worth £30million, do not yet know the sex of their child.

But friends say they have joked that they will choose James if it turns out to be a boy — because they think the baby was conceived after their 007-themed bash on New Year’s Eve.

Really? Only if the baby was conceived on New Year's Eve, Sara, wouldn't Colleen's due date be the 23rd September, making it almost impossible that the baby wouldn't have been delivered long before the match? And rendering your story a bit pointless?

Gordon in the morning: Living the values

Come, let us measure today's work by Gordon Smart against the inspiring calls from his editor Rebekah Wade in her Hugh Cudlipp lecture.

Rebekah:

With these market forces, it's even more important to remember why we exist: Journalism.

Gordon:

KYLIE MINOGUE has recorded a song with Aussie kids’ music group THE WIGGLES — after I revealed last year she was desperate to team up with the four cheesy lads in coloured tops.

Rebekah:

Great press campaigns can change history and shape new laws. They can build a bridge between public opinion and public policy.

Gordon:

Stevie-Louise, wearing blue, said: “Russell [Brand] took his clothes off as soon as we got through his front door. He was definitely wanting a threesome — and he thought he was going to get one.”

Rebekah:

Campaigns provide a unique connection to the public especially when the subject matter is of a serious nature.

Gordon:

“I like going to sleep with nice thoughts in my head. I’ll always pick When Harry Met Sally over Saw V.”

James [Corden] reveals the shocking truth in the March issue of movie mag Empire.

Rebekah:

The newsroom needs journalists who have great contacts, the reporters who can break the news not just report it, the photographers that can bring in the exclusives.

Gordon:

NOEL GALLAGHER reckons playing guitar steered him away from a life of crime.

The OASIS axeman, who lived in the Manchester suburb of Burnage as a child, tells Total Guitar magazine...

Rebekah:

The quality of our journalism will make or break our industry, not the recession.

Gordon:

Failed Yorkshire businessman KEITH LEMON has gone one better by enticing Page 3 beauties BECKY and CHELSEA to dance with him.

Rebekah:

Our ancient craft is to tell many people what few people know.

Gordon:

I reckon COLEEN ROONEY must have spent at least a grand on bikinis for her hols.

WAYNE'S curvy missus displayed YET ANOTHER snazzy design as she relaxed on the beach in the Caribbean with her parents COLETTE and TONY, as well as brother JOE.

Gordon in the morning: On two legs

In the paper, Gordon's big news this morning is Chris Martin has a problem with his knee which, everyone hopes, won't give him trouble on the tour. It's a bit slight, but - with deft use of pun and aimless speculation - can it be turned into a lead story?

Viva La Knee-da

Kneed singer

I wonder if it has anything to do with his new found fondness for trampolining?

No,it turns out puns and fingers in the air can't turn it into a proper story. But maybe 'man hurts leg' could be dressed up with some amusing song titles?

Here are five songs Chris ought to be singing if he makes it to Monday’s show:

1 X-Ray & Y
2 Fix You
3 Crocks
4 Rush Of Blood To The Leg
5 Strawberry Sling

Perhaps wisely, for the web, Gordon's column is leading on something else.

Perhaps unwisely, it's yet another report from the Wayne Rooney pre-nuptial events - the couple have thrown a masked ball. To be fair to Gordon, he's not responsible for the writing on the piece, but you'd have thought he'd have read the limping opening paragraph and spiked it, rather than promoting it:

WAYNE ROONEY chats with a pretty blonde in a MASK — and could be forgiven for thinking it’s his bride-to-be COLEEN MCLOUGHLIN.

The article - and, indeed, the "rib-tickling" caption - builds from this vague possibility that, because the woman was wearing a tiny mask, Rooney might have thought it was Coleen and got confused, and the trouble that might have followed. This despite the mask being so poor at hiding the identity of the woman Rooney was talking to that even the Sun could tell it wasn't McLoughlin looking at her on a grubby long-lens shot.

Gordon in the morning: Pete in the morning

There's no question what the big story is this morning in Bizarre - it's the apparent claims of Kate Moss that she's going to marry Jamie Hince. Okay, she was drunk when she said it, and only said to people taking her picture on cameraphones, and couldn't explain any further than "soon", but it's a splashy big story. It gets an exclusive tag. In the print edition of the Sun, it's a big, prominent splash.

It's clearly the biggest story of the morning.

Oddly, though, it's shoved aside on the Bizarre webpage to make way for a lame Wayne Rooney wedding story which is 'rich man spends money on wedding', in effect.

Why would a long burble guessing how much Colleen is going to spend on flowers take priority over an actual, scoopy, surprising Moss story?

The byline on the Kate story, we'd guess:

By PETE SAMSON
Deputy Bizarre Editor

There is also a story about Franz Ferdinand, too, although Gordon forgets to mention his source for this one, too. "I heard it on Newsbeat", actually.

Gordon in the morning: Wags off while Pete works

Once again, the interesting, chunky story - Amy Winehouse supposedly being asked by police about the crack - is handled by Pete Samson, leaving Gordon to free to concentrate on some pictures of some women who have relationships with footballers wearing bikinis and what we think is the third story about Kylie Minogue selling sheets and pillowcases. (Gordon describes Kylie as 'the Australian wriggler', a word we'd assumed he'd dropped after his first day in charge when everyone looked at him strangely when he used it. Wriggler? Really?

The decision by the police to talk to Winehouse yesterday is quite amusing - it suggests the MP-bugging Metropolitan Police are trying to recast themselves like your Mum: "if you're well enough to go to the US embassy, you're well enough to talk to us about your drugs..."

Spice Girls: the audience simply doesn't show up

Over in Las Vegas, trouble hits the Spice Girls reunion. The Mandalay Pavilion probably wasn't, as the Mail has it, half-empty; but it does seem to have been only three-quarters full.

Mind you, the audience had that boxer bloke who everyone liked last week when they thought he was going to be better at punching people, and Colleen McLoughlin in the audience, so perhaps they don't quite count.