Gordon in the morning: Old Mother Harding

Sarah Harding, Gordon tells us, is thinking of acquiring a family:

She said that as well as having kids by Tom: "I'd definitely adopt one day. If you can give a child a better life then why not? I'm in a good position to do that, so who knows?"
[...]
She said: "It puts me off a bit now that it's this whole trend thing. I'd love to help but don't want to be labelled as another BRAD and ANGELINA."

Well, yes - it is a worry. But I suppose, if you're worried that people might think you're only adopting for attention, here's a thought - you could just adopt, rather than give interviews about how you might adopt, at some point, in the future. Generally, the deeper the interview and pr campaign in proportion to the actual adoption, the more like a publicity stunt these things tend to look.

Madonna-effect harms the children left behind

Not only did Madonna's decision to take a child rather than supporting Mercy where she lived mean that a Malawian children's home lost a potential source of regular, ongoing support, but the linking of Madonna to the home's name has destroyed the other support the Kondanani home needs:

A source tells the [Daily Mirror], "We find it a day-to-day struggle to survive. Some days we don't even know if there will be enough food to feed the babies. Donors are not giving because they are under the impression Madonna paid us vast amounts of money."

Head of the orphanage, Annie Chikhwaza, adds: "I was never offered a penny. I did not expect any either."

Well, no, the direct handing over of cash might have led to some cynical suggestions that Madonna was buying a child. However, you do wonder if she couldn't have found a few quid in one of her many houses to help the other kids out, don't you?

Gordon in the morning: Good parenting

I think we're meant to read the story placed in Bizarre this morning as an indication that Madonna is a fit adoptive mother:

MADONNA telephones new adopted daughter Mercy James every night, it emerged yesterday.

The Malawian orphan, four, who speaks basic English, got a call on Sunday.

An insider revealed: “She said, ‘Mommy is waiting for you across the seas’.”

Aides are arranging travel papers for Mercy in capital Lilongwe before a private jet takes her to New York.

Oh, how touching, right?

Trouble is, the effect is the exact opposite of that intended - because even if you buy the idea that her money somehow allows Madonna to buy her way out of the eighteen month residence law, you'd have to hope she could at least be arsed to hang around for a week or two while the paperwork is sorted and bring the kid back to her bemusing, goldfish-bowl life herself. The Madonna camp might be trying to stress her brilliance as a mother, but it's all backfired a little.

Madonna gets what she wants

So, Mercy has got family who don't want her adopted. The African Union code on overseas adoption makes it clear Mercy should stay in Malawi unless absolutely necessary. Malawian law insists that prospective adoptive parents must spend 18 months in the country prior to any adoption.

So, why exactly is Madonna being given the child?

But the appeals court said the star's commitment to helping disadvantaged children had not been considered.

Now, it's true that Madonna does do a fair bit for Malawian children - admittedly, much related to trying to push the Kabbalahistic SFK programme, but a fair bit none the less. But unless I'm missing something about basic principles of justice, shouldn't charitable donations and such like be left unconsidered? It might be of value when deciding on somebody's character, but why does having the money to give large charitable donations have any bearing at all on if the basic rules on adoption should be set aside?

Jacques Peritti had an interesting and balanced piece in yesterday's Guardian on the story underneath the adoption, although it was so balanced it did end up suggesting that, you know, colonialism and indoctrination isn't such a bad thing:

I leave the orphanage thinking that if Madonna could roll this out across Africa, even if it involved lots of people signing up to Kabbalah, how could that not be a good thing? David Livingstone came to this country with a Bible in his hand; Madonna comes wearing Kabbalah wristbands. What is for sure is that colonialism is not a thing of the past. In Malawi, it's still alive and well, and it's just got a whole lot more showbiz.

Wasn't tying relief and charity and help and hope to an enforced conversion the problem with Mother Teresa's 'get baptised, then you can eat' style of selective assistance?

Madonna: dressing for motherhood

In a bid to try and pretend that it does more than print pictures of ladies in sexy clothing, the Daily Mail has decided to turn its shot of Madonna at a party into a think piece:

Is that really a suitable dress for someone trying to win an adoption case Madonna?

[...]
The self-proclaimed Material Girl appeared to lack plenty of the aforementioned substance as her Louis Vuitton mini dress and thigh-high boots showed off the tops of her thighs, her muscular arms and plenty of décolletage.

But was that really the outfit for someone who is currently battling a high-profile adoption case?

The Daily Mail Reporter, called, erm, Daily Mail Reporter, apparently thinks that the courts might not have heard of Madonna before, and - seconds before shoveling babies into her shopping basket - someone will burst in to the court room waving photos of last night's Metropolitan Museum of Art's Costume Institute Ball yelling "stop! she has gone out in public showing her arms! She is not suitable for motherhood!"

This is Madonna, Daily Mail Reporter. She's published a book featuring a photo of herself getting a back-handed compliment from Vanilla Ice. She advertised Pepsi by having a squirt off a man who was meant to be Jesus. She... well, you can add your own favourite example of Madonna public indignity here. Going out wearing a pair of kinky boots is unlikely to swing the court at this point.

Gordon in the morning: One of those good days

Every so often - and it feels like once every eleven months or so - Gordon runs a story which manages to be believable, something we didn't already know and actually quite interesting. I suspect he does it just to throw the grey churn of day after day grinding out stuff about Kelly Brook's breasts into even sharper relief.

Whatever, the revelation that Lily Allen was a ringer on an Atomic Kitten track is wonderful; the claim being that Natasha Hamilton was too unwell to sing Keith Allen's song for the theme tune to Mike Bassett: England Manager, and - surprise - Lily just happened to be ready for a go.

Gordon even has quite a good joke, as well, because he has a picture of a teenage Lily with some puppets:

And I love the one on the left with the Sooty and Sweep puppets.

I bet she did some brilliant voice-overs for them too.

Back to business as grimly usual, though, when Gordon runs the frightful picture of Madonna and Mercy:

MADONNA holds little MERCY JAMES to her breast at a Malawi orphanage — in a tender scene the day before her adoption hopes were dashed.

The snap emerged yesterday as Madge, 50, vowed to keep fighting for the three-year-old to become a sister for her adopted Malawian son DAVID.

Snap, Gordon? "Snap"? Perhaps, if it was a grabbed snap, it might be tender. But not only is the thing posed, it's been whacked through the "Athena Poster" filter in Photoshop. Twice. Apart from adding on tears of blood, and perhaps a UFO over Madonna's right shoulder, the thing couldn't feel more faked.

Gordon in the morning: Adopting fresh positions

You know who's been a rock during the whole story about Madonna's credit card being refused at the baby checkout? Guy Ritchie, that's who. At least, according to Gordon:

THE thick layer of ice between GUY RITCHIE and MADONNA is starting to thaw.

Film director Guy has been consoling his ex over her failed adoption bid in a series of tearful phone calls, I can reveal.

Sniff.

Guy stunned everyone by issuing a statement supporting Madge

Well, certainly he'd have stunned Sun readers, who have been fed a diet of stories claiming the pair hated each other so much they could barely stand the thought that their lungs worked in similar ways.

He said: �I fully supported Madonna in her decision to apply for this adoption, and I am saddened her application has been rejected.

�She is motivated only by being a caring parent who seeks to share some of the advantages and opportunities that her life has given her.�

Just as a sidebar - could someone at The Sun please buy a book about the internet and stop the big diamond question marks appearing all over their website?

Yes, a surprising statement - especially if you'd spent the last two years reading this sort of thing:

GUY RITCHIE has rowed bitterly with Madonna over her plans to adopt an African baby, The Sun can reveal.

The film director fears his wife may just want the child as a celebrity status symbol ? and that she has not considered the potential problems of such a move.

Still, the paper is currently going through a warm patch in its relations with Madonna, trying desperately to paint 'having adoption rejected because it wasn't legal' as being something else entirely:

...after a Malawian judge refused the adoption, even though other authorities gave it the green light, because she hadn’t lived in the country for 18 months.

Oh, it was just a persnickety judge focusing on a tiny, tiny detail. Everyone else in Malawi was fine with it, right?

Elsewhere, Gordon shows respects for elders:

A FLUFFY grey poncho and matching hat sounds like an outfit my gran would wear to the bingo on a Saturday night.

But ANGELINA JOLIE looks dabber, sorry dapper, in old dears’ threads in her latest movie.

Gordon, mate: probably not a wise idea to take the piss out of older people when your ultimate boss is seventy-seven.

And, in perhaps the most horrible image ever published by the Sun, for some reason we're subjected to a snap of Bono with - apparently - his hand down his swimming trunks. Isn't there some sort of law?

Gordon in the morning: Love you til Luton

Virginia Wheeler is still Gordon's closest-thing-to-a-writer in Malawi, and is still shovelling out Madonna-camp-pleasing coverage:

The boss of Mercy’s orphanage, the Kondanani Children’s Home, said the youngster “could not understand where her new family had gone”.

Annie Chikhwaza said: “It’s devastating for Mercy. She had bonded with her new family and was calling for Madonna, saying, ‘Where is my Mummy?’

“She couldn’t understand where Lola, David and Rocco had gone — she thought they were playing hide and seek. It broke my heart to see her crying out for David as they’d become inseparable."

Virginia doesn't see this as being a good example of why you shouldn't make promises to children until you're bloody certain you can make good on them. She doesn't suggest that the whole thing suggests that the orphanage has been placing Madonna's needs ahead of those of Mercy. She doesn't think to question Chikhwaza's odd claims - why would Mercy think the other kids were "playing hide and seek"? It's not like they were living at the orphanage, is it? Wouldn't Mercy just assume they'd gone back to their nicer place to live? Isn't this sort of statement more about trying to manipulate press coverage and court decisions rather than telling the truth?

Although Mercy does have a good point: where is Madonna?

Madonna, 50, flew to Britain with kids Lourdes, 12, Rocco, eight, and adopted three-year-old David Banda, greeted at Luton Airport by Madge’s ex-hubby GUY RITCHIE.

But the devastated singer cut a forlorn figure as she stepped alone from the private plane.

Given that one of the reasons she was turned down as an adoptor was a lack of time spent in the country, and if she was really that devastated, why was she in Luton? If we take Wheeler's reportage at face value, what we seem to have is a desperately upset child, and a woman who claims to care about that child puts thousands of miles between them.

Normally, Gordon's work on Simon Fuller and Simon Cowell being up for the same award would not detain us, but connosieurs of bad photoshop will enjoy the terrible, terrible boxing-mock-up-artwork.

Gordon in the morning: Yes, Virginia, there is a rule of law

The big news in Gordon's kingdom this morning is Madonna being told 'no':

Madonna screamed ‘Whaaaat’ and held head in her hands

That's probably 'what' as in 'what does this thing 'no' mean? It's a word I've heard, of course, but not one that has ever been directed towards my face before.'

Yes, Virginia Wheeler is finally doing some reporting from the court room in Malawi.

STUNNED MADONNA screamed “Whaaaat?” and held her head in her hands yesterday after a judge sensationally DENIED her bid to adopt a second Malawian orphan.

Perhaps Madonna was so surprised because she'd been reading Wheeler's reports that the whole thing was a done deal. Court was a "rubber stamp", wasn't it, Virginia?

The head of the orphanage where Mercy will today return said the ruling would be “like a dagger in Madonna’s heart”.

Annie Chikhwaza, who runs the Kondanani Children’s Home where the tot has spent most of her life, re-introduced Mercy to Madge when the singer touched down in Malawi last week.

And she revealed the excited little girl’s first word when she saw Madonna was “Mummy”.

Now, you or I might think this is a sign that the orphanage and Madonna have been handling this whole thing really badly - Madonna, apparently, making promises to a child that she thought were underwritten by her cash; the orphanage not cautioning that no child should be told they're being adopted until the paperwork is in place. This seems pretty scandalous.

So, surely Virginia will want to make sure her readers remember exactly who has been at the heart of this story, and the only person who should matter?

Well, sort of:

A family friend said: “Madonna is an amazing woman who always gets what she wants.

“This is a massive embarrassment for her. She is furious, shocked, devastated and cannot believe what’s happened.”

Back in Britain, and more surprise for anyone who relies on the Sun's reports to understand the world. You'll recall yesterday how the triumvirate of Gordon Smart, Sara Nathan and James Clench diagnosed Matthew Horne's illness:

The actor, said to be suffering from exhaustion, was taken off on a stretcher, breathing with an oxygen mask[...]
A source said: “Mat has been working so hard. He is a fragile guy. Friends worried he was taking on too much. It’s been stressful.”

Doctors last night said Mat was suffering severe stress.

Oddly, though, today a fourth writer, Rhodri Phillips turns up to deliver today's update:

COMIC actor Mathew Horne — who collapsed on stage during a West End show — is suffering from a virus, it was revealed yesterday.
[...]
It had been thought the Gavin and Stacey star, who appears in a TV sketch show and the film Lesbian Vampire Killers, could be suffering exhaustion.

Really... I wonder what could have made it "had been thought" that?

Malawi says no

The Associated Press is reporting that the Malawian court has rejected Madonna's attempts to procure a second child.

This, despite Virginia Wheeler reporting it as a done deal in The Sun all week. Does this country have no respect for journalists?

Gordon in the morning: Picking up the kid

Bizarre online this morning is leading with a long-lens shot of Madonna with the new child she's trying to buy. I suppose if Malawi is prepared to ignore the rules on overseas adoptions, there's no reason to expect the Sun to respect the rules on invasions of children's privacy.

The paper does, however, respect Madonna's privacy, and blots out her address when it reproduces the court papers.

Virginia Wheeler has flown out to Malawi, and manages to report the story as if Madonna has already been approved:

LITTLE Mercy James looks back at her orphanage home as she walks away to prepare for her new life as MADONNA’s adopted daughter.

The Queen of Pop was pictured with Mercy for the first time yesterday as authorities began finalising the adoption arrangements.

[...]The judge will give an official ruling on Friday — but Madonna, 50, has already been told that her application will succeed.

Wheeler doesn't seem in the least bit bothered, or alarmed, or interested in the idea that the court hearing has been treated in such a way.

We should approach this story remembering that Wheeler filed the "Perv Glitter stroked my arm" report for the Sun which exclusively broke the news that Gary Glitter could touch people from rows and rows of seats away.

The Sun's inability to treat this story with any degree of seriousness is probably summed up by the decision to put a jokey caption on a photo of David Banda being reintroduced to the father who awkwardly stopped him from being an orphan.

Gordon, meanwhile, takes delivery of a press release from TopShop with some pictures of Kate Moss:

KATE MOSS scrubs up well.

Here’s the Croydon clothes horse looking in the finest of fettle in a promo shot for her new Topshop collection.

She looks a far cry from the blurry-eyed party animal snapped out on the thrash during the last month.

You know, I could have sworn an adult just published a sentence which suggests that professional model shoots tend to result in better looking photos than if you take a quick snap of the same person while they're on a night out. Perhaps that's his April Fool.

Marvellous things, airbrushes.

Yes. Clearly, Gordon - who happily churns out any load of photoshopped-to-buggery pictures with barely a murmur - is having a laugh, by running a piece that pretends to object to pictures being touched up in the studio. Very good, Gordon.

Madonna snaps at the children supermarket

Madonna, it appears, is not happy at public scrutiny of her plans to annex another child:

MADONNA has hit out at critics who have slammed her bid to adopt Malawian orphan MERCY JAMES - insisting it is "none of their business".

Given that those leading the criticism of her plans is Save The Children, you would have to counter "actually, you know, it might be very much their business".

Still, there has been a happy outcome of Madonna getting hungry again; it has reminded her of her promise - hitherto unfulfilled - of allowing David to see his Dad. Why, there's a meeting taking place on the current trip to Malawi. Almost as if she was keen to show that, ooh, she's a woman of her word or something.

Save The Children from Madonna

It's not just everyone in the world outside of her employees finding Madonna's collection of African children slightly unsettling. Save The Children have their worries, too:

Spokesman Dominic Nutt said: “What Madonna is doing verges on a puppy parade. People like her are looking for the most beautiful child. They wouldn’t choose a child with a disability or special needs.

“It doesn’t help to take one child out of an orphanage to a huge palace and buy them a pony. All these children who may only have one parent, or no parent, cannot be transported to Notting Hill by pop stars.

“Madonna’s heart may be in the right place, but other mothers will look up to her and she’s setting a terrible example.”

Talking of things being in the right place, it's interesting that the grandmother of Madonna's latest target - who up until now had vociferously decried the plans - is now being "looked after" by the Madonna-funded Kabbalah charity.

Here we go again, then.

Madonna: she wants a set

Here we go again, then: Madonna is reportedly hoping that Malawi will ignore the rules on overseas adoptions all over again.

Malawi apparently doesn't generally allow adoptions by single parents, but if you're ignoring one set of rules, why bother about ignoring another set?

Where are some of the members of Marine Research now?

Welcome to our occasional feature, 'where are some of the members of Marine Research now?'. Today, we hear news of Cathy Rogers.

Of course, she had been busying herself presenting Scrapyard Challenge, but now, she's doing this. Where "this" is nudo. Nudo. With an O.

It's an adopt-an-olive-tree scheme: you adopt the tree, and it sends you letters detailing how well it's doing in school, and photos of it looking happy. Actually, you just get sent all its produce for the year you adopt it, which is quite nice. And not how adoptions usually work, we're patiently but firmly informed by social services.

Gordon in the morning: Peaches gets her man, or a man

Peaches Geldof's quick ceremony in Las Vegas - she popped into a wedding chapel and came out, officially and legally, as a pisspoor parody of Britney Spears - gets a full three-byline coverage from The Sun, leaving Gordon with nothing to do but supply an opinion piece.

But, really, what is there to say?

GETTING married at the ripe old age of 19 strikes me as yet another cry for attention from Peaches.

Does it? And yet, if so, why are you giving her the attention?

More interestingly is the way that Smart thinks it's the age rather than the nature of the marriage which is the demand to be looked at. Quite a few people get married at 19 and have long and successful marriages, surely, Gordon?

Nor would I like to be in her new hubby’s shoes, not least because he is now married to an immature teenager.

Not least. Mind you, it's probably no less terrible than being in Chester French.

Still, we've seen Little House On The Prairie, and we know how this one goes - the dad makes the judge un-marry them at gun point, doesn't he?

Meanwhile, Gordon claims that Madonna is about to lets call it "adopt" another Malawian, who nobody at all is pretending to be an orphan this time round, at least. Smart, though, runs a photo of the child - Mercy. Perhaps he believes that the PCC rules on invading the privacy of children don't apply if they're not British.

Court tells Madonna: Keep the baby

After one of the easiest international adoption processes in history, a Malawian court has approved Madonna's adoption of David Banda.

Madonnadoption "like childbirth"

Madonna has taken to the stage at Cannes to remind us who's important in the adoption of David Banda: Her, and her feelings. Oh, it was a struggle for her:

"It was painful, and it was a big struggle, and I didn't understand it.

But in the end, I rationalized that when a woman has a child and goes through natural childbirth, she suffers an enormous amount," she said. "So I sort of went through my own kind of birthing pains with dealing with the press on my front doorstep accusing me of kidnapping or whatever you want to call it."

Did anyone accuse her of kidnapping? Perhaps in the wilder edge of the blogheap, but most criticism was surely fair: That the kid turned out not to be an orphan but a child with a family; that the usual residence rules were ignored; that Madonna turned out to have been underwriting course costs for a figure involved in the adoption process; that it appears that promises made to David's father about contact weren't honoured - and, apparently, that he was told Madonna was offering a good Christian upbringing rather than her being a major figure in a culty movement; that the rules on overseas adoption established by the Organisation of African Unity - and to which Malawi was a signatory - seemed to have been ignored; and the wider question of whether being taken into an environment where the press camped on the doorstep really is the best for a child. All important questions and ones which had implications much wider than the single case. Does Madonna really think these concerns should have been ignored? Why should she have been given special treatment?

Given the easy ride she actually got, if this was like the pain of childbirth, she'd had the epidural.

The trouble is, she doesn't seem to understand the reasons why adoption has to be a strict process:

Madonna said she was "happy to be the guinea pig" for Malawian adoptions.

"Hopefully, after we get through this adoption, it will be easier for people to adopt children," she said.

No, Madonna, let's hope not. Let's hope that after this, any celebrities looking for special treatment are given the same difficult, considered process as everyone else.

David's Dad: still not seen his son

Having first suggested that David Banda was an orphan, Madonna's now working to try and make it a bit like he is, effectively: Yohane Banda says that promises he was made have been broken and he's been cut out of his son's life:

“I was promised by Madonna that I would be able to see my son,” he said. “The government people that were coming to see me also assured me that they would facilitate my meetings with my son. I miss him so much because he is my only son, the only gift of life from God – all others have died.

“I told her [Madonna] that although I was giving her my son she should look after him well . . . I told her that she should raise him, educate him and make sure that he does not forget me and Malawi.

“Now I fear that my child will never know his roots and will not know me. He is the only surviving child I have and I regret the whole thing now. It’s so painful sometimes to realise that I have been forgotten.”

To be fair, The Sunday Times didn't offer Madonna any chance to respond to the claims in its story this morning, so perhaps it's all a terrible misunderstanding. Perhaps.

Nothing is more important than adoption

Madonna is clearly taking the adoption of David Banda very seriously. Obviously not so seriously that she wanted to live in Malawi to qualify for the usual permission to adopt a child. And, it turns out, not if it gets in the way of promoting the new album.