Peaches Geldof: ... plus, we get to keep the linens and crockery we got as gifts

Peaches Geldof has no regrets about her surprisingly already finished marriage to some bloke from some band:

“Max and I are really good friends. We were just too young. That’s all it was. I still love the idea that we did it. I love the idea I can tell my kids one day about it and I know he does too.”

There's not much point in adding anything to that. Let's all just pretend it never happened, shall we?

Peaches Geldof is tired of something

Peaches Geldof's marriage really is the gift that keeps on giving - since nobody is very interested in her pet magazine ("I Am Peaches Geldof, Hear Me Churn" - available wherever magazine retailers enjoy filling out return forms), at least she can constantly complain about reports on the state of her marriage to that bloke from that band:

She says, "It was a complete lie (that we are getting divorced). But a lot of newspaper stories are lies. They (rumours) just came out of the blue like a lot of tabloid stories. Just because I got married, they wrote that I was getting divorced. It didn't really (affect me), because I knew it wasn't true, so did my husband and my friends. So who else matters?"

A very good point, Peaches. So... erm, why are you issuing statements about it?

Peaches: It's on again

BBC News Online is reporting denials of today's News of the World story that Peaches Geldof is divorcing her husband, Thingy McThing of the Chester Cheetos.

Mind you, BBC News Online also describes Geldof as a "dj and television presenter", so I'm not sure I'd accept their word on this one.

Peaches bruised

I'm not sure the News Of The World can quite claim an exclusive that Peaches Geldof is divorcing - isn't that like claiming an exclusive on 'water runs downhill' or something?

So, then, who got 96 days in the sweepstake?

The Screws turns at this difficult time to "a pal" to provide some comfort and support:

A pal of Peaches, 19, told us: "She realised it was all a mistake - and her dad Sir Bob is delighted."

That's exactly what a friend would say - "her dad Sir Bob" - for don't we all not only explain who relatives might be, but also give them (erroneously) their title? Still, we're betting her Dad, Sir Bob, must be thrilled at the costs and horrors of a very public ill-conceived marriage and a tatty old divorce. Thrilled beyond belief.

Hello: Where seldom is heard a discouraging word

You can always rely on Hello to put on a brave face. Presumably delighted that Peaches and whatwashisname didn't flog the shaky pictures of their wedding to Okay, Hello! is delighted to report the news:

Peaches ties the knot in Vegas after whirlwind romance with US rocker

"Whirlwind romance" being Helloese for "two bottles of peach schnapps and a game of truth or dare", of course.

Their nuptials took place at the Little White Wedding Chapel, a popular site for celebrity marriages. Bruce Willis and Demi Moore exchanged their vows there, while Britney Spears and Joan Collins also chose the world-famous venue for their wedding.

Hello don't, of course, bother to mention that Britney "chose" the venue in the sense of "it was the only place open at the time, being as she was off her cakes", nor that the wedding itself was annulled in less time than Peaches' engagement.

Gordon in the morning: Peaches gets her man, or a man

Peaches Geldof's quick ceremony in Las Vegas - she popped into a wedding chapel and came out, officially and legally, as a pisspoor parody of Britney Spears - gets a full three-byline coverage from The Sun, leaving Gordon with nothing to do but supply an opinion piece.

But, really, what is there to say?

GETTING married at the ripe old age of 19 strikes me as yet another cry for attention from Peaches.

Does it? And yet, if so, why are you giving her the attention?

More interestingly is the way that Smart thinks it's the age rather than the nature of the marriage which is the demand to be looked at. Quite a few people get married at 19 and have long and successful marriages, surely, Gordon?

Nor would I like to be in her new hubby’s shoes, not least because he is now married to an immature teenager.

Not least. Mind you, it's probably no less terrible than being in Chester French.

Still, we've seen Little House On The Prairie, and we know how this one goes - the dad makes the judge un-marry them at gun point, doesn't he?

Meanwhile, Gordon claims that Madonna is about to lets call it "adopt" another Malawian, who nobody at all is pretending to be an orphan this time round, at least. Smart, though, runs a photo of the child - Mercy. Perhaps he believes that the PCC rules on invading the privacy of children don't apply if they're not British.