I'm afraid I'm about to make you feel very old indeed

We have now reached the point in human history where people are writing nostalgia pieces about Jessica Simpson:

Get ready to throw it way, way back. In the early '00s, Nick Lachey and Jessica Simpson were a total power couple and gave us all of our relationship goals.

Way, way back? I've got jars of Miracle Whip in the cupboard that predate Jessica Simpson.

Can it really be not only long enough to justify the looking back, but also the development of such rose tinted spectacles for the look back?

Jessica Simpson has something to say

Why on earth would Jessica Simpson be jealous of Kate Middleton?

(I know, why wouldn't she?)

Pop star Jessica Simpson says she was jealous of Duchess Kate's pregnancy.

The 33-year-old singer, who gave birth to her second child in June, said Kate was glowing throughout her pregnancy, reported Us magazine.

"Kate Middleton was glowing throughout her pregnancy. A lot of pregnant moms were looking at her like, 'How do you do that?!'"

Here's a hint, Jessica: if all you have to worry about is remembering which button you press for the muffin maid, and which you press to summon the butter butler, it's a lot easier to glow.

The real puzzle in this piece, though, is the description of Simspon as a "pop star" - aside from yet-another-Christmas-album, she's not released a record since 2008, and hasn't troubled the top ten in the US since the last millennium. Surely "former" pop star at best?

The John Mayer ewwws explosion

Hello, Jessica Simpson? If someone calls you "sexual napalm", like John Mayer did, and it really upset you, perhaps you might like to think about not reminding everyone about it every time you go on TV.

Jessica Simpson: Who knew she was still doing concerts?

It might run in the family, but at least Jessica Simpson's sudden realisation that she's not cut out for singing on stage happened in Michigan rather than on Saturday Night Live. It didn't go well for her:

Simpson is said to have struggled with her in-ear audio monitors throughout the performance and seemed to lose her place in several songs, forgetting the lyrics to her recent single Come on Over.

The star also stopped during the intro to her Pray Out Loud track, asking her band start over, before mouthing the word "sorry" to the crowd, telling the 8,000-strong audience, "My voice is weak tonight."

While introducing her closing song, Do You Know, Simpson admitted wishing she could "walk off the stage" and at the end of the gig, she thanked her band for "having her back", before appearing to walk off in tears.

She did, though, manage to make it through a full thiryt-eight minutes, which is surely great value for money, right?

Gordon in the morning: Continuing Winehouse woes

Yesterday, we were worried about Mitch Winehouse.

Today, Gordon is reporting that he collapsed from stress at the end of last week.

This leads to some Simon Bates style croaky-voiced editorialising from Gordon:

And there was the usual two fingers up to her ailing dad too – as she lit up a cigarette on stage.

Mitch spoke this weekend about how even smoking was putting her damaged lungs in serious danger.

But she sparked up anyway in front of cameras and thousands of fans.

Amy does not seem able to change her lifestyle to save herself. Let’s hope she can to save her dad.

Ye-e-s. That'll work.

More worryingly still, Winehouse still seems convinced that Blake is coming home in seven days time, rather than getting a custodial sentence. That's going to be a bit of a crunch, then.

Elsewhere, Gordon offers the prospect of Jessica Simpson faking an orgasm, which, erm, turns out to be a clip from Mike Myers' dreadful The Love Guru, and so was circulating about a month ago when the film was first released in the US.

Darkness at 3AM: We bet Jessica's relieved, too

We're suspecting that she hasn't actually been asked, but 3AM heard on Heat Radio that Ashlee Simpson won't be playing Jessica's wedding to whoever she's getting married to.

Yes, the 3AM Girls have now replaced research with "listening to Heat Radio". Still, it does allow them to discover that Pete Wentz has some sort of pet's passport:

She missed Pete so much on her trip to London she had him flown over.

He'll be reunited with her just as soon as he's out of quarantine.

Simpsons: maybe quitting music might have been a tad hasty

Jessica Simpson's bid to reinvent herself as something-or-other have run into the sand, as Blonde Ambition, the first movie in which she was asked to do more than stand around in cut-off shorts, has been rated too poor for cinema release by the studio. It's planned now to go straight to DVD, if they can find a disc able to take the movie without decaying.

Oh, god, this doesn't mean she's going to try and resurrect the music career, does it?

"Someone who dyes their hair", then

Jessica Simpson has changed the hue of her hair. This might be the sort of thing most people do with barely a murmur, but for Jessica, it's something deeper:

"I'm happy to be a brunette because it reflects who I am now."

Yes. As a person with brown hair, having brown hair really does reflect you as a person who has brown hair.

Spooky, isn't it?