John Mayer has a dodgy ticker

Terrible, terrible news from the world of people with more money than sense. It turns out when John Mayer was wasting his money buying expensive watches, he was really wasting his money as they weren't even the expensive watches they claimed to be.

Yes, they were two-faced watches. Forbes talks about it like it matters:

Yesterday, the news broke that pop star John Mayer, an avid watch collector, is suing a well-known watch dealer based in Los Angeles – a longtime “expert” in vintage and ultra-high-end timepieces – over seven very expensive timepieces sold to him, which Rolex confirmed as containing “non-authentic” components. Meaning the dials, which are the most important components of sought-after vintage timepieces. After months of trying to sort the situation out personally, Mayer now seeks to recover $656,000, the price of the seven watches allegedly containing non-original components.

You spent over half a million dollars on watches. That's probably the crux of the problem here, not whether one of the springs came from a Timex.

A surprised and baffled Mr Mayer said "hang on... look, there's the time on my phone. I don't really need a watch at all, do I?" before rushing off to finish the deal he's working on to buy Tower Bridge from a man in a trilby and car coat.

Twittergem: Ryan Adams

I wish I could make as good a record as John Mayer made. If I can do that I will be happy.

- @theRyanAdams

The John Mayer ewwws explosion

Hello, Jessica Simpson? If someone calls you "sexual napalm", like John Mayer did, and it really upset you, perhaps you might like to think about not reminding everyone about it every time you go on TV.

John Mayer: Suave

John Mayer has just done an interview with Playboy. As if that wasn't enough to turn your stomach, the magazine handed him enough rope to hang himself. To which he added a big bottle of pills, a knife and a gas oven that ran on the old town gas.

Still, at least let's give him credit for not having a publicist sitting in stopping him from talking.

"What is being black? It's making the most of your life, not taking a single moment for granted. Taking something that's seen as a struggle and making it work for you, or you'll die inside. Not to say that my struggle is like the collective struggle of black America. But maybe my struggle is similar to one black dude's"

Ah yes - who wouldn't see the immediate parallel between a two-hundred-year long struggle for rights and recognition and a middle class kid turning from clarinet lessons to dating Jennifer Aniston?

It does get worse, though. Playboy asked if black women liked him.

"My dick is sort of like a white supremacist. I've got a Benetton heart and a fuckin' David Duke cock. I'm going to start dating separately from my dick".

In a separate interview, John Mayer's dick denied being a white supremacist, but did express interest in the idea of being separated from John Mayer.

Shortly after the interview started to circulate, it looks like Mayer's publicist woke up and now Mayer and so the damage limitation starts. Mayer took to Twitter:

"I think it's time to stop trying to be so raw in interviews."

You see? He wasn't revealing himself to be a douche - he was being raw. It's not that he's a splashback - it's simply that we can't handle his very, very rawness.

But he'd got his explanation in first. He told Playboy:

"Maybe I’m so meta-aware that it’s off-putting to people."

You'd have to wonder just how meta-aware you can be while announcing that your cock is a bit like the National Front.

Gordon in the morning: Is Jackson giving an exclusive to the Mirror or something?

After a couple of weeks patting Michael Jackson on the head and treating him he like he was still the 1983 version of Michael Jackson, there's something of a surprising change of tone in Bizarre this morning. The news that Jackson has (supposedly) invited the cast of Harry Potter backstage gets a headline treatment:

Harry Potter And The Moonwalking Oddball

And, all of a sudden, Gordon's remembered that Jackson isn't the King Of Pop, but That Bloke Who Is Overfond Of Kiddies:

MICHAEL JACKSON has invited the young stars of the Harry Potter films to be access all areas guests at the opening night of his sellout summer shows.

Aren’t they a bit old for him?
[...]
But the three stars — who play Harry, Hermione and Ron — can leave their Nimbus 2000s at Hogwarts for a night on the Jesus Juice with Pop King Jacko.

They won’t even need to take Hagrid along to keep an eye on them now that they are all over 18.
[...]
He has always had an eye for a young acting star.

Nudge, nudge.

Not that Gordon is quite ready to march on the Millennium Dome with burning torches:

I’m still in two minds about Jacko’s return.

My gran — at 82-years-young — is more nimble than he is, although her moonwalk needs some work.

If he is fit enough to perform then the gigs will be the most memorable the O2 has seen since LED ZEPPELIN reformed for a one-off special last year.

But if I had a ticket for any night after the tenth date I’d have a letter ready asking for a refund... just in case.

Oh no... did he just say "82 years young"? Like he's a heartwarming amateur columnist on a local freesheet, or the morning host on a Gold station?

Gordon has got some bang-up-to-the-minute news, though, with his first sort-of Twitter story:

SCREEN beauty JENNIFER ANISTON dumped her boyfriend because he couldn’t keep his hands off Twitter, her pals revealed last night.

Rocker JOHN MAYER said he was too busy to return calls while Jennifer was away promoting her new film.

But Friends star Jen spotted he was updating his page of the networking site instead.

Although since Twittering is one of the ways artists help nurture their fanbase, isn't that like Mayer dropping Aniston for spending too much time acting?

Still, at least there's no danger of anyone dumping Goagsieman for over-enthusiastic updating of his Twitter stream.

Rav suggests he was right all along

You'll recall last week Rav Singh ran a piece in the News of the World about a Hollywood star about to be outed:

AN A-lister star of Hollywood will be outed next week, I can reveal.

This particular actor is known as a bit of a ladies man but in fact, he really has a secret eye for the fellas.

My man in LA told me: "This guy is not married. He's been out with many women but has been seeing men too.

"A US mag is revealing it next week which will send Hollywood into overdrive."

Now, you might be thinking "funny... I never heard anything about an a-list actor being outed last week. Rav must have been wrong."

Rav, though, revels in being right this morning:

Hollywood rocked by star's outing (part two)

LAST week I told you a male Hollywood star would be outed in the States as liking the fellas.

Turns out it was singer/ actor JOHN MAYER who has apparently been snogging my mate PEREZ HILTON in Los Angeles.

He even took a lie detector test on TV to prove his claims!

What we love about this is the way that Rav is not only pretending that Mayer is an a-lister, but, having last week claimed an actor was about to be outed, Singh now calls Mayer a "singer/actor" - but IMDB lists not a single acting credit for him.

And also - Perez Hilton taking a lie detector test saying that he'd kissed a bloke isn't really "outing" that bloke, is it?

Rav is really on the back foot this week - he's also reduced to running a story about Sarah Harding having a bad back, something over all the papers a couple of weeks ago; he's also got a story about Britney planning a world tour. Okay, that's interesting, but 'pop star plans to play gigs' is hardly that surprising, is it?

Thurston Moore math: Neil Young is greater than Avril Lavigne

It's not really much of a revelation, but Thurston Moore thinks older rock stars beat the pants off young pop stars:

"I am playing with Yoko Ono, and she's well past 70 and she rocks. Neil Young rocks. It's certainly not John Mayer or Avril Lavigne. Those people don't rock.

"If that's the young generation in the culture, then forget it. In the underground, the old guys are cool. I like the fact that the older we get the more we can rock."

There's a pretty strong argument that would suggest that Yoko Ono and Avril Lavigne both rock about precisely the same amount that we could advance here, but we're choosing not to.

Mayer speaks to his banged-up fans

On Saturday, police went round with a massive arrest hoover, sucking up 63 John Mayer fans during his Hershey, Pennsylvania gig.

Mayer has turned to his blog to address the arrested:

First, to the 46 people accused of underage drinking; what were you thinking? You have your whole life to engage in underage drinking. What's the hurry? I didn't start underage drinking until I was 26. Underage drinking is not an function of age, but of style. And you kids are way too young to truly appreciate the nuances of true underage drinking.

And to those reading who believe that 63 arrests is on the high side, it actually doesn't even make this tour's top ten. Night two of Red Rocks Ampitheatre in Colorado saw more than half that capacity crowd placed under arrest, and in Houston, Texas two weeks ago, I myself was ensnared by the long arm of the law when I was cited for illegally soliciting an undercover canine cop. (My apologies to Champ II.)

In looking to the future, I hope that this will serve as a wake-up call to young fans who may be thinking about engaging in illegal activity at one of my concerts. If I happen to be walking backstage and I see any of you young men passed out drunk on a stretcher, make no mistake about it, you will come-to in front of your disappointed parents with a face full of Sharpie and the sneaking suspicion that you've been teabagged by one of Time Magazine's 100 most influential people of 2007.

Probably more entertaining than the concert, to be honest.

John Mayer wouldn't normally do this sort of thing

John Mayer has been preparing for his role this evening by stressing how we shouldn't be cynical - after all, how can we be cynical in the face of so many wonderful people setting aside their egos:

"I hope that for all the cynicism that's existed around this subject, we can all uncross our arms long enough to give this event a chance to impact the world in the way that I'm beginning to feel that it could. Now isn't the time to dissect the rights and wrongs. (If you're hoping Live Earth doesn't work, you have a lot of soul-searching to do.)

With this kind of lineup, there's no cause or crisis that wouldn't be positively affected by an event of this scope. Live Earth isn't a show - it's a showing, a presentation of an idea. Artists like us don't just get together to each play 20 minute sets every weekend, you know. We're also usually pretty sensitive about the order in which we take the stage, and I've got no problems with my 5:12 PM set time. The Police, Bon Jovi, Alicia Keys, Kanye West, and yes, myself and my dumb face are all openers for the true headliner - the power to literally change the world's mind."

If we were truly cynical, we'd suggest this post sounds more like a man who's really pissed off at being asked to go on during the middle of the afternoon trying to at least market lemonade out of the lemon.