Rav is dead; long live... erm, XS

A historic day, then, as Rav Singh finally limps away from the News Of The World, being replaced by - oh, lord - Celeb XS with Dan Wootton. No, they really have called it Celeb XS, like some sort of teen-aimed deodorant.

Dan, of course, can't help marking this historic occasion with a welcoming blog entry:

Hi, and thanks for coming to check out Celeb XS.. I hope you like it!

Every day I'll be updating this blog with the best celebrity stories from all over the world. If it happens, it'll be here!

So make sure you bookmark this page and come back every day for a bundle of exclusive showbiz stories.

It's not clear how many constitutes a "bundle", nor what level of story is considered so important as to be published straight away rather than waiting for Sunday's paper - something less earth-shattering than 'Peaches to divorce', presumably.

You might have thought that in 2008, rather than suggesting 'bookmarking' you might make an RSS feed available, but apparently not. Indeed, Dan is still getting to grips with concepts of links:

On the top left there are links to some of my favourite sites on the net. Go check them out - they're brilliant too!

Included is Sky Showbiz, Gordon Smart, Perez Hilton and Popbitch - so, a surprising collection of websites, there. Do you suppose Dan was really thinking 'hey, I'll tell them about the TMZ site - that'll blow their minds'?

And up on the top right are you can click to watch my latest Celeb XS Uncut video - with some hilarious stuff from Amy, Becks and Jordan!

Does anyone else find the word 'hilarious' - when self-applied - to be a warning on a par with a person wearing a hat with a whirring propeller on the top?

Dan Woot! Woot! Wootton also includes a feature called "Carcrash", where people are being encouraged to send in sneaky shots of famous people. I imagine he's chosen the name for the section as a tribute to Princess Diana.

Amy Winehouse's sweet addiction

There's only one thing wrong with Rav Singh's tales of Amy Winehouse making candy floss with cocaine in it, and that would be that it probably has no truth in it at all.

What is notable, though, is that the News Of The World website has apparently been infiltrated by communists, as comments made this month are being dated from "Oktober".

Rav Singh and the Sugababes

Rav Singh might think that getting the Sugababes to guest-edit his column shows off how famous his chums are; it does rather leave the impression, though, that anyone could do what he does.

The other problem of having the people you're meant to be writing about actually doing the editing is that it draws the sting of the column more than a little. If you're a waspish horsefly hovering over the world of showbiz reporting on the secrets that the stars want hidden, how do you do that when the stars are hovering over you?

So the insights are hardly earth-shattering:

One of the tracks, No Can Do, has already got the thumbs up from their boyfriends. “We performed it for them last night and it went down well,” said Heidi. “They want it to be a single so we may release it.”

Goodness.

Heidi bought her mum a flat in Liverpool. She told me: “It’s just nice to give something back to the people who’ve supported us.”

Hold the front page.

The girls were also keen to scotch rumours of fights and that they are about to split.

“It’s simply not true,” says Amelle. “We all get on. There was one story that I was arguing with the girls at a fashion show recently and it was completely made up.

“So on the record, we are NOT splitting up and we are NOT fighting. End of.”

Point made—and with new single Girls about to hit the shelves, the Babes couldn’t be stronger.

Wow. Rav's such a great gossip columnist, it's like he's got the inside track to every PR company in the country.

Of course, this too-cosy relationship happens all the time, but normally you're left to read between the lines of, say, Gordon's fawning over the Gallaghers to discern it. How brave of Rav to actually run photos of his editorial being made to dance to a management company's line.

Rav's dwindling days given a boost

Ah, the worries about Rav Singh's apparent vanishing from the News of the World's website navigation can be calmed; this week, they've given him a giant clickable box right on the front page, leading to exciting news that you won't read anywhere else like, erm, Eminem making a new album.

To be fair to Rav, though, he does come up with a fresh new angle for the comeback story:

The 8 Mile actor has teamed up with fellow hip hop rhymesayer 50 CENT in the studio. I’m told the pair have been spending hour upon hour at the mixing desk in Em’s Detroit home perfecting one of the biggest comebacks since the SPICE GIRLS.

Early drafts of that paragraph ended with the words "since the Wispa bar" and "since they revived Crossroads".

The hair comb-over

The News of the World has found space alongside the grovelling apology to the McCanns for printing chunks of Kate McCann's diary somehow assuming that she'd given permission to be slathered all over the paper to carry the, erm, important news that Natalie Imbruglia's gone blonde.

Actually, I say "found space", but given the apology is buried deeply in the website's news section and harder to find than even the dwindling Rav Singh section, that might be over stating the effort put in to the job. It's still more effort than Rav is putting in these days, though. Having decided 'woman has hair do' is a story, he's struggled to come up with commentary:

And I’ve got to say she looks pretty fair dinkum to me!

Actually, Rav, you really haven't got to say that. It might be better if you hadn't.

Rav can no longer be arsed as minions file Oasis stories

He's not finished up yet, but clearly Rav Singh has taken off his hat - two of the top four stories on his kind-of blog aren't even by him today.

He - or rather someone else - has got an "exclusive" new video of the moment Noel Gallagher reaped what he's been sowing all these years. The video doesn't really add much to the story, and nor does the Rav-lite Guy Basnett commentary. The video, we're told is "shocking" - although since we've all seen Noel going over, it's not that shocking:

THE News of the World today reveals unseen video footage of the moment a crazed drunk stormed the stage at an Oasis gig – attacking Noel and lunging for Liam.

A crazed drunk, huh? Not just a drunk, then?

Our exclusive footage – shot from the side of the stage – shows the full violent attack, and chaotic aftermath, as security desperately tried to restrain the attacker.

Again, while Noel should be allowed to ply his limited trade unmolested, the attack wasn't actually "violent". Painful, undeniably. Stupid, certainly. But "violent"?

And four security guys on one drunk? That's hardly "desperately struggling", is it?

Still, if Basnett is reporting on a serious violent assault, you'd expect him to cut the lame gags, wouldn't you?

And it shows the assailant being bundled roughly off stage by at least four burly officials, who perhaps did look back in anger, as they struggle to subdue him.

Or maybe not, then.

Basnett also gives the impression he's spoken to Noel about the assault, by virtue of quoting Gallagher's blog without actually bothering to source where the quote came from.

Rav quits

In a move that is almost certainly not going to be connected with the way his column has been buried so deeply in the News of the World website that you're more likely to find a 404 page than his bit, Rav Singh has quit the paper:

"I have had the best years of my life working at the News of the World but all great things come to an end.

"I am keen to try something new and I have big plans which I can't wait to get working on.

"I've really enjoyed working with Colin Myler - and before that Andy Coulson and Rebekah Wade."

The "big plans" are going freelance; his replacement at the NOTW gossip sludge machine is Dan Wootton.

Rav loves Liam, too

Rav Singh isn't going to let Gordon Smart have Liam all to himself. Oh, no: Rav admires Liam, too:

LIAM GALLAGHER makes me laugh.

And that's so important, don't you think? But how, Rav, how does Liam make you laugh?

Tickling?

Putting two Wotsits in his mouth and pretending to be vampire?

Oh, no: it turns out it's with his wit:

He’s been ranting about WAYNE ROONEY’s £5million wedding to COLEEN McLOUGHLIN —by bragging his own ceremony cost just £18.

He said: “You’ve got this kid who’s fucking 19 or whatever, who 20 minutes ago was playing for Everton, having a five million pound wedding!

“That to me is just fucking ridiculous. I got married at Marylebone station, er Marylebone registry office. In and out, no fucking about, it cost £18. Reception over the road, it was nice.”

While I'd point out that Liam should probably be more concerned about the overpayment of premiership footballers - and, perhaps, then ask broader questions about why some people get paid much, much more than other people with the inevitable conclusion that Gallagher should be getting taxed at a higher rate, let's just instead point out that Gallagher is comparing the entire cost of the Rooney wedding with the cost of his licence. Okay, maybe it's unlikely that he spent five million in the bar at the reception, it's still not like-for-like.

Anyway, all this amused Rav. And where were Liam and he, when Liam told him this opinion?

"...he told The Times mag.

Oh.

First they came for Zoe... now they've come for Rav

Last week, the Sunday Mirror redesign buried Showbiz Zoe deep into the site; this week, it's Rav who finds himself not-very-subtly downplayed in the new News of the World layout.

Mind you, as he's punting a story claiming that Paul McCartney has asked Stella how she'd feel if he took Nancy Shevell as "the third Mrs. Macca". He used those exact words, too.

Worse, though: At the foot of the article Rav drops this:

Visit my pal Perez Hilton's great website. But be warned: It's outrageous!

Rav's "pal" Perez Hilton, huh? That'd be like the way Alistair Darling is chums with George Bush, would it? Still, better to push a knackered old American gossip site than, say, suggest people read Gordon's column, eh?

Destiny regained

Rav Singh perhaps oversells the chances of a Destiny's Child reunion a little:

Beyonce's getting back with Destiny's Child

DESTINY'S CHILD are planning a Bootilicious comeback next year, I can exclusively reveal.

The R&B trio—KELLY ROWLAND, BEYONCE KNOWLES and MICHELLE WILLIAMS —want to reform and record some hotter-than-ever tracks.

Really?

Well, not quite - Kelly Rowland muttered something to him about a vague possibility that they might work together next year:

"Me and the girls never split up—we are as close as we always were, like sisters, and may do some projects next year".

That Kelly was talking to Rav (a) at all and (b) at some sort of launch for a car might suggest there's more than an element of wishful thinking involved here.

Still, nice to see Rav taking "may do projects" as "wanting to record some hotter-than-ever tracks."

Rav: he gets paid for this

We're not going to pass comment on Rav Singh's Kylie piece this morning. We think the commentary writes itself. Especially since it looks like the article did:

Kylie's an X Red Cap!

By Rav Singh

KYLIE MINOGUE shows off some sexy manoeuvres wearing a daring red Army outfit.

The pop princess certainly got my, er, Attention, in a ‘uniform’ that was slashed to the thigh—well she was kicking off the English leg of her X tour.

Oh yes, I was Spinning Around when she put on that number for the Manchester gig. Glad you’re back to your best.

Rav Singh moves on from Madonna marriage

You can't keep a failed marriage going once it's broken, and, as Rav Singh knows only too well, it's equally true that you can't keep a failed marriage story going once it's broken elsewhere.

So, after weeks of banging away at Madonna break-up tales, he's reluctantly moving on - Find <Madonna> - replace <Mariah Carey>.
Although this bit is unique:

Nick, 27, even had ‘Mariah' tattooed across his shoulders. My source added: "That's a problem."

He could perhaps try dating a woman called Maria and see if they can turn the final 'H' into a kitten or something?

Rav rattles Madge marriage again

We'd imagine Rav Singh expects us to hear the voice of eve-of-war Neville Chamberlain as we read the opening of his latest dispatch:

I'M afraid I have more bad news to bring you about the MADONNA and GUY RITCHIE marriage crisis.

More bad news? It's hard to imagine, isn't it? Let's steel ourselves, shall we?

Now Madge's little brother CHRISTOPHER CICCONE has jumped on the bandwagon and written a tell-all book, Life With My Sister Madonna.

He'll spill the beans on a few secrets — including the state of her marriage.

A bookworm source said: "It's going to be brutal. We've heard about the fall-outs. He'll tell just how bad it is."

A "bookworm source"?

Erm... except didn't Madonna and her brother fall out years ago? So how exactly he will he be able to share any insights into the state of her marriage now? Isn't he - like Rav Singh - going to have to rely on hearsay and guesswork?

Rav Singh: Madonna calls in the boss

While most gossip columns are happy to speculate that Madonna and Guy might be living separate lives, in different cities, different countries and even - we think this was People - that they'd built a time machine so they could each keep to a different geological eras - Rav Singh knows the real signs of marriage strain:

I hear relations in the seven-year marriage are now so frosty that they’re hardly talking at the dinner table.

We love the idea that the Ritchies might be so stressed they're still meeting for a family dinner, but just not talking. It gets worse:

A source close to Material Girl Madge, told me: “Things are in a bad way. Rather than speak to her directly, Guy will ask their son Rocco to ask Madge to pass the salt during dinner.”

We're given to understand that shortly after publication, the "source close to Material Girl Madge" rang up again to tell Rav they'd got confused - that wasn't Madonna's household at all, that was the Fourmiles in an episode of George And Mildred they were thinking of.

Madonna has asked Rabbi Philip Berg to intervene, says Rav. It's not clear what he's going to sell her to help.

Rav also claims - somewhat implausibly - that the glossy magazines aren't interested in buying Mariah Carey's wedding. Given the way magazines will sign up anyone vaguely famous to splash their wedding across the yawning, empty pages ("This week: She came third on Are You Smarter Than A Ten Year Old? - now, she's hoping to get the 'I Do' question right.") if there's any truth in the story, it's going to be a disagreement on price rather than a lack of interest in the photos.

Rav Singh: Are you sure she hasn't just lost them?

A curious tale pops up in Rav Singh's blog on the News of the World today:

THE music world was In Bloom-in' shock last night after hearing that the ashes of grunge god KURT COBAIN have been PINCHED!

I can also reveal that the wife of the NIRVANA legend, COURTNEY LOVE, is said to be "suicidal" after finding Kurt's remains missing from her Hollywood home.

In Bloom-in shocked?

Courtney said: "I can't believe anyone would take Kurt's ashes from me.

"I find it disgusting and right now I'm suicidal.

"If I don't get them back I don't know what I'll do."

The sad news will sicken the millions of Cobain and Nirvana fans worldwide.

Will it? Really? Sicken? It might upset a few of them, and some might feel a slight queasiness at this latest in a long line of stories bouncing out of Courtneyworld. But sickened? Really?

Rav chides Martin

Now, we're not over-fond of Chris Martin here, but we're tending to support him in the face of his ticking-off from Rav Singh.

Supposedly, Martin got angry when photographers kept asking him how it felt to be with Brad Pitt's ex and had a bit of a pop at them. Rav tuts:

Chris, you must stop snapping at the snappers.

Even when they're deliberately being rude in a bid to get a snap of him snapping, Rav? Isn't your wagging finger aimed in the wrong direction?

Still, it's news to us. Who knew Chris Martin was involved with Jennifer Aniston?

Rav Singh: live from Maidstone

Rav Singh slyly drops the name that Gordon Smart didn't have to hand this week, adding a name and picture of the woman who may or may not be the mystery blonde Smart is convinced that Fielder-Civil will run off with. Actually, she turns out to be a brunette, called Sarah Thomas, and Singh offers nothing to suggest that she's going to be the next Mrs. Fielder-Civil beyond a quote from his Mum who says that she's told Blake that's what he should do. Not, you'll note, that that's what he is going to do.

Rav, meanwhile, reports back breathlessly from Radio One's Big Weekend:

I was backstage to bring you all the goss

And what does he have to tell us? Erm, that Usher was there, and Duffy played some songs onstage.

Worth the return rail fare to Maidstone, then.

Rav Singh reports from the end of Empires

Poor old Rav Singh, forever shunted to the corners of the News of the World, is today trying to make something exciting out of Boyzone splitting.

Actually, he doesn't even have that to work with. He's actually got a "we're so happy to be back, we all get on" interview, and - in a desperate bid to try and make it interesting - focuses on the smallest fleck of grit in the band's comments:

Shane Lynch admitted things were so bad, he ended up hitting the bottle.

Shane said: "I found myself drinking through the day just to find some sort of happiness—but I couldn't find it. That's not a good place to be in.

"We hated it, we hated each other and we were overworked."

The trouble is, if things were that bad how plausible would it be that they have got back together so quickly and so happily? Rav doesn't seem to be able to knit this together in any sense; nor does he ask Lynch to expound on his claims about hitting the bottle. (Nobody ever does - he told the Wiltshire Gazette & Herald that he was "almost an alcoholic" and the paper doesn't think to ask what that actually means - or, indeed, if "I was nearly addicted" makes any sense at all.)

Instead, Rav happily hands over the page to the Boyzone PR machine:

Shane said: "There's going to be a really different vibe to the show.

"There will be five outfit changes for the JACKSON 5 medley. The crowd are going to love it. But we're all dead nervous." Mikey added: "We've got more creative control over the way the shows are going to go this time round.

Are you sure that's entirely wise, Mikey from Boyzone?

Rav saves Girls Aloud

With Sarah Harding's back gone a bit Stan Ogden, there was a shadow hanging over the Girls Aloud tour. Actually, we'd imagine that if her back was that bad, she'd have just been given a chair at the side of the stage and invited to sing along anyway rather than the whole tour being dumped. Still, Rav Singh reveals Sarah's back will be fine anyway:

But now the bubbly blonde has been given the all-clear from docs — and I was the first person she told the good news to.

Really? Before her family, the band, management, or drunken bums in the street, eh?

Rav also brings his curious inability to actually commit to anything to the possibility that Beyonce might be pregnant:

ONE of my trusted LA sources tells me JAY-Z and BEYONCE are planning to make an announcement very soon.

Well, after secretly getting married, I reckon there's only one other bit of news they can be keeping from us— that the Baby Boy beauty is pregnant.

Singh does this a lot - he doesn't seem to have any confidence in his own scoops, so instead runs endless pieces about how, at some point in the future, someone might say something. Given that much of what runs in the News of the World is made-up anyway, why is he so reluctant to commit himself to his own stories?

Rav Singh spots a spliff

Rav's big deal today is that he's got pictures of Amy Winehouse smoking cannabis in Camden.

Or, perhaps, a roll-up. Clearly, everyone in Wapping is happy that Amy is unlikely to sue.

Rav, though, seems a little addled himself:

My snapper took these pics of the troubled drug-addict as she returned to her Camden home after celebrating a pal's birthday in London.

Your snapper, Rav? Then why is the picture splashed with a copyright message for bigpicturesphotos.com?

Meanwhile, Rav ponders about Billie Piper's sex life:

LOVED-UP BILLIE PIPER and LAURENCE FOX are hoping for a New Year baby, I can reveal.

The Dr Who star has told friends she's ready to have one. Billie and actor Laurence got married on New Year's Eve last year and the pair hope to hear the patter of tiny feet shortly after their first anniversary.

If you actually calculate back from a birth date in the early days of 2009, this story turns out to be "Billie Piper and her husband are having sex at the moment". Oddly, our jaws are having trouble dropping to the floor.