Why is the mainstream media not reporting this more widely?

Listen you guys, this is massive.

Shane Lynch went shopping in Redhill.

I know - where was Huw Edwards? Where was Jon "so-called" Snow? Where was Paxman Dimbleby?

Nowhere.

Thank god the Surrey Mirror didn't flinch from reporting THE TRUTH. At some length:

BOYZONE pop band singer Shane Lynch popped into Redhill for some shopping on Monday afternoon - and happily posed for photos with a delighted fan.

Actually, that's the entire story. But... it doesn't stop the Surrey Mirror dragging it out for another fifteen paragraphs, building the drama:

He walked east along the High Steet and as he prepared to cross the road at the traffic lights outside the Tower public house at 2.30pm, a fan appeared from nowhere and plucked up the courage to ask if he was from the top "boy" band Boyzone.

I really hope the fan actually made the air quote symbols when she asked the question.

The story is strung out because the fan's photo failed:

She asked if she could take his photograph and Mr Lynch, totally unfazed, agreed to the request.

At first, the fan had to secure the help of a passer-by to take the picture. But when he clicked her mobile camera, the picture appeared blurred.

Luckily, the Mirror's Mark Davison, community editor, was nearby, and he stepped in to take a non-blurry photo. And write a long piece.

Oddly, the fan is referred to throughout as "the young lady". Perhaps so excited by the presence of "boy" "band" "man", the paper forgot to ask her name.

Gordon in the morning: Joe steps up

Joe McElderberry - winner of last week's Mickie Most showdown - has somehow put a brave face on his being bullied by the internets to pop in and "edit" Gordon's column for him. Obviously, it's a task he's fantastically under-prepared for, but that hasn't stopped Gordon for the last few years.

It gives Joe a chance to continue churning the marketing pitch talking about Rage Against The Machine. He says he hadn't heard it before - which is believable, he comes across so musically naive you could believe that he had to Google Robbie Williams before the final. He's heard Killing In The Name now, though:

"I wouldn't buy it. It's a nought out of ten from me. Simon Cowell wouldn't like it. They wouldn't get through to boot camp on The X Factor - they're just shouting."

Psst... Joe? I think the whole "it doesn't sound like an X Factor song" is probably the reason why it was chosen.

But Joe is worried about the prospect of this record doing well. Won't someone think of the, erm, elderly?

"They can't be serious! I had no idea what it sounded like. It's dreadful and I hate it. How could anyone enjoy this? Can you imagine the grandmas hearing this over Christmas lunch?

Well, frankly, no. Why would anyone play it over Christmas lunch? Does Joe think that's how the Christmas number one is decided - by the number of times a song is played over the sprouts?

Gordon steps in to remind us all of the Cowell line:

It turns out Joe is a sensitive lad and is really upset by the Facebook campaign urging people to download RATM's track to stop him getting to No1.

Is he, though? What does Joe actually say?

He said: "I think people are jumping on this to have a go at Simon and The X Factor rather than me. But Simon gives people a shot."

So, even Joe understands that the campaign isn't a personal attack, and aimed more at the man who is making money off him rather than himself.

But, like the rest of the corporation, Joe seems to have confused the Christmas number one with the prizes for the series:

Joe added: "I will be really disappointed if it doesn't go to No1 after all the effort I've put in to this and winning the show."

I'd be less worried about the prospect of being number two this Christmas, and more about trying to sort out a role for panto next year, son.

Earlier in the year, the united users of Twitter were outraged that Jan Moir could take the death of Stephen Gately, filter it through her worldview and use it to push a hugely partisan line of belief. Isn't that, though, what Shane Lynch has just done?

Shane, also 33, said: "I've got faith and respect for God - God doesn't make mistakes. So therefore, I've got to understand that it's all for a reason. If I don't understand why then one day I'll be told - but not right now."

Rav Singh reports from the end of Empires

Poor old Rav Singh, forever shunted to the corners of the News of the World, is today trying to make something exciting out of Boyzone splitting.

Actually, he doesn't even have that to work with. He's actually got a "we're so happy to be back, we all get on" interview, and - in a desperate bid to try and make it interesting - focuses on the smallest fleck of grit in the band's comments:

Shane Lynch admitted things were so bad, he ended up hitting the bottle.

Shane said: "I found myself drinking through the day just to find some sort of happiness—but I couldn't find it. That's not a good place to be in.

"We hated it, we hated each other and we were overworked."

The trouble is, if things were that bad how plausible would it be that they have got back together so quickly and so happily? Rav doesn't seem to be able to knit this together in any sense; nor does he ask Lynch to expound on his claims about hitting the bottle. (Nobody ever does - he told the Wiltshire Gazette & Herald that he was "almost an alcoholic" and the paper doesn't think to ask what that actually means - or, indeed, if "I was nearly addicted" makes any sense at all.)

Instead, Rav happily hands over the page to the Boyzone PR machine:

Shane said: "There's going to be a really different vibe to the show.

"There will be five outfit changes for the JACKSON 5 medley. The crowd are going to love it. But we're all dead nervous." Mikey added: "We've got more creative control over the way the shows are going to go this time round.

Are you sure that's entirely wise, Mikey from Boyzone?

Gordon in the morning: Boyzone sex shocker

Despite the inescapable fact that they now look like the cast of Auf Weidersehen Pet, Gordon Smart buys Boyzone's claims that they're going to "sex up" their reunion tour, quoting a source:

"They've held audition for super hot female dancers in a bid to outsex the ones that Take That danced with on stage. I've heard they will be writhing around in their underwear.

"They're also worried about singing live. They came from an era when nobody used to sing on tour so they got away with it. Think of S Club and Steps. But now it's all changed."

Eh? But Boyzone weren't a Steps style band in the first place, were they? Steps could get away with it because they were, effectively, a band designed to wear jump suits and dance, but since Boyzone were supposed to be a vocal group, not singing would be quite a major problem. You'd have thought.

Shane Lynch is apparently curious to see who's going to be coming:

"I have no idea if it will be our old fans or if it's a new young crowd. When I go on stage I'm going to look into the audience and see who's there."

Here's a clue, Mr Lynch: Don't expect too many of a "new, young crowd". You hardly appealed to a new young crowd before you were old enough to be dads and uncles.

Gordon gets a little hot under the collar watching the new Madonna video (although even he admits that it's "new" in the sense of "if you ignore its very obvious debt to the Rock DJ video - when you're ripping off Williams, it really is time to give up, surely?)

POP royalty MADONNA has proved she’s still the Queen when it comes to getting tongues wagging.

The queen of getting tongues wagging? What sort of title is that? Better than being Duchess Of Causing Irritated Tutting, presumably.

But 'getting tongues wagging' is hardly the same thing as 'getting things raunchy' - you can wag a tongue saying "good lord, we can understand what she's trying to do, but why would Justin Timberlake want to get involved?" just as easily as making a Smart-style "I'm feeling moist", can't you?

Meanwhile, if we tell you that Gordon's headline for a story about Geri dating a man is headlined:

Geri: Ivan new man

... can you guess what his name is?

Gordon does redeem himself by pointing out that 'musicians dating their backing dancers' is a bit of a bad way to meet men, based on Mel B, Britney and J-Lo's track record.

Shane Lynch: It's not easy being a boyband

Shane Lynch has decided to share with the world how terrible it is being successful and having everyone look at you:

"I can see why things go wrong for Britney Spears and other celebrities.

"And I have sympathy for Robbie Williams when he is unhappy.

"No one gives you a manual on how to deal with this unreal life.

"I grew up to be a mechanic in Dublin and am still that same person, so when I lived in a bubble and went everywhere first class and had everything done for me I didn't know how I was meant to live.

"I never needed to know where I was because I would be driven or flown there."

I'm not sure how far I buy this "ooh, I was only a mechanic" schtick - it's not like he was Amish and had never travelled on an escalator, and it's not like "travelling in first class" is so very different from sitting in coach - your seat can tip back without spilling Tango into the person's lap behind, and the food is nicer and is picked from a menu rather than someone barking "beef or chicken" in your face, but it's not so much of a culture shock as Lynch makes it sound.

"My parents would tell you they called me and I couldn't say where I was," he said.

"I know it sounds stupid because on paper I was having an amazing life but I thought the only way I could survive was by not knowing what was going on."

How would that even work? Sure, if people shuffle you on and off of planes, it's possible to not know where you are, but this is one of those rockstar cliches that is somewhat thin - if you don't know where you are, why not say "where are we"? It probably takes a special level of dullness to not have the wit to to worry about what town you're in.

"I had champagne and private jets but they didn't do a lot for me.

"That unreal life nearly destroyed me."

But is this a problem with fame and success as such, or is it just that some people have such unenquiring minds as to have the door to the world open to them, but don't even want to look through it.

"We can have all the material things but we are just people like everyone else.

"I had a normal life before Boyzone and will always consider myself a mechanic.

"I had a million-pound house and Ferraris but I now know having lots of things is not the route to happiness."

As Jarvis once said: what's the point in being rich, if you can't think what to do with it, 'cause you're so bleedin' thick.