Despite the inescapable fact that they now look like the cast of Auf Weidersehen Pet, Gordon Smart buys Boyzone's claims that they're going to "sex up" their reunion tour, quoting a source:
"They're also worried about singing live. They came from an era when nobody used to sing on tour so they got away with it. Think of S Club and Steps. But now it's all changed."
Eh? But Boyzone weren't a Steps style band in the first place, were they? Steps could get away with it because they were, effectively, a band designed to wear jump suits and dance, but since Boyzone were supposed to be a vocal group, not singing would be quite a major problem. You'd have thought.
Shane Lynch is apparently curious to see who's going to be coming:
Here's a clue, Mr Lynch: Don't expect too many of a "new, young crowd". You hardly appealed to a new young crowd before you were old enough to be dads and uncles.
Gordon gets a little hot under the collar watching the new Madonna video (although even he admits that it's "new" in the sense of "if you ignore its very obvious debt to the Rock DJ video - when you're ripping off Williams, it really is time to give up, surely?)
The queen of getting tongues wagging? What sort of title is that? Better than being Duchess Of Causing Irritated Tutting, presumably.
But 'getting tongues wagging' is hardly the same thing as 'getting things raunchy' - you can wag a tongue saying "good lord, we can understand what she's trying to do, but why would Justin Timberlake want to get involved?" just as easily as making a Smart-style "I'm feeling moist", can't you?
Meanwhile, if we tell you that Gordon's headline for a story about Geri dating a man is headlined:
... can you guess what his name is?
Gordon does redeem himself by pointing out that 'musicians dating their backing dancers' is a bit of a bad way to meet men, based on Mel B, Britney and J-Lo's track record.