Gordon in the morning: Joe steps up

Joe McElderberry - winner of last week's Mickie Most showdown - has somehow put a brave face on his being bullied by the internets to pop in and "edit" Gordon's column for him. Obviously, it's a task he's fantastically under-prepared for, but that hasn't stopped Gordon for the last few years.

It gives Joe a chance to continue churning the marketing pitch talking about Rage Against The Machine. He says he hadn't heard it before - which is believable, he comes across so musically naive you could believe that he had to Google Robbie Williams before the final. He's heard Killing In The Name now, though:

"I wouldn't buy it. It's a nought out of ten from me. Simon Cowell wouldn't like it. They wouldn't get through to boot camp on The X Factor - they're just shouting."

Psst... Joe? I think the whole "it doesn't sound like an X Factor song" is probably the reason why it was chosen.

But Joe is worried about the prospect of this record doing well. Won't someone think of the, erm, elderly?

"They can't be serious! I had no idea what it sounded like. It's dreadful and I hate it. How could anyone enjoy this? Can you imagine the grandmas hearing this over Christmas lunch?

Well, frankly, no. Why would anyone play it over Christmas lunch? Does Joe think that's how the Christmas number one is decided - by the number of times a song is played over the sprouts?

Gordon steps in to remind us all of the Cowell line:

It turns out Joe is a sensitive lad and is really upset by the Facebook campaign urging people to download RATM's track to stop him getting to No1.

Is he, though? What does Joe actually say?

He said: "I think people are jumping on this to have a go at Simon and The X Factor rather than me. But Simon gives people a shot."

So, even Joe understands that the campaign isn't a personal attack, and aimed more at the man who is making money off him rather than himself.

But, like the rest of the corporation, Joe seems to have confused the Christmas number one with the prizes for the series:

Joe added: "I will be really disappointed if it doesn't go to No1 after all the effort I've put in to this and winning the show."

I'd be less worried about the prospect of being number two this Christmas, and more about trying to sort out a role for panto next year, son.

Earlier in the year, the united users of Twitter were outraged that Jan Moir could take the death of Stephen Gately, filter it through her worldview and use it to push a hugely partisan line of belief. Isn't that, though, what Shane Lynch has just done?

Shane, also 33, said: "I've got faith and respect for God - God doesn't make mistakes. So therefore, I've got to understand that it's all for a reason. If I don't understand why then one day I'll be told - but not right now."