Mariah Carey marks a new point

Today, we put down our small-dog-in-a-handbag and call on our hat attendant to raise our bejewelled hat to Mariah Carey, who has managed to reach a point where she's so overpriced and showy even Harrods think she's a bit much.

Mariah Carey stays solid. Just from a distance.

Mariah Carey was supposed to play Brussels last night. Faced with the opportunity to carry on as normal, she, erm, chose not to:

I love my fans in Brussels and at this time I am being advised to cancel my show for the safety of my fans, my band, crew and everyone involved with the tour. I hope to see you soon and send my prayers and eternal love, laughter and light to my Lambs.

Oddly, nobody seemed to be advising Jess Glynne or Johnny Hallyday to cancel. I wonder where the advice came from.

Oversharing

Sorry, what was that, ContactMusic?

Nick Cannon and Mariah Carey renewed their vows in Disneyland because they like to ''dress up''.

Let's just raise an eyebrow and move on, shall we?

Gordon in the morning: That's Christmas ruined

Mariah Carey has ruined Christmas once. Now, she's ruining it all over again:

JUSTIN Bieber is living every girl's dream – he's recording a Christmas song with Mariah Carey.

The teen star will feature with the diva on a new version of her 1994 hit All I Want For Christmas Is You.

Because the original wasn't shrill enough.

Hey, there's going to be nothing icky about a forty-one year-old woman singing a love song to a - what is he, thirteen? - year-old boy child. Is there?

Gordon, can you make this prospect any more unpleasant?

At least Justin will have a couple of new places to hang his tinsel.

Oh, yes. You've managed it.

Gordon in the morning: The gravid Carey

Besides the horrible look in Mariah Carey's eyes in that naked and pregnant photoshoot - either she's already on the drugs for delivery, or she was wishing she wasn't exploiting her not-even-born-twins for a few extra dollars - the puzzle is why Gordon and his team are running a story about last week's OK Magazine cover. Hardly suggests "being at the centre of things", does it?

Mariah Carey: The true meaning of bravery

The News Of The World likes to talk a lot about our "brave boys", but how can we understand what the paper considers to be "brave"?

Helpfully, there's a story which helps us calibrate this morning:

Brave Mariah Carey is...

Yes?

... filmed without make-up

Never mind the movie she's made, surely someone should be pitching a film based on this selfless sacrifice?

God "rather keen" to be left out of Eminem-Mariah spat

Visions of the Holy Mother have appeared in Lourdes, Knock and Fatima over the past 24 hours to brief members of the press and clergy about God's response to Nick Cannon's latest attacks on Eminem.

Nick Cannon - who, you'll already have forgotten, is married to Mariah Carey - has been Bible-Tweeting to show the latest depth of his hump with Eminem:

Nick wrote: "Quote of the day, 'Never argue with fools because from a distance people can't tell who is who.' "

He later added: "Never take your own revenge, but rather give place unto the wrath. For it is written vengeance is mine, I will repay... PREACH! 'I will bless those that bless you, and whoever curses you I will curse.' Genesis 12:3."

Nick's response continued: "Be patient in the moment of anger and escape a hundred days of sorrow!

"People who project negativity ultimately are crying out for their own broken souls. Trying to save a hater is like trying to teach astrophysics to a wino!"

The Lourdes manifestation of the BVM was direct: "Look, I was talking to God this morning" she said, wiping the tears of blood from her eyes. "He was pretty clear that he didn't want to get involved in the dispute. 'Mary' he said to me, 'I haven't even been asked to judge an early round on American Idol. Why would I want to come in to judge this one'"

Two hours later, appearing on the wall in a chapel in Fatima, the second vision added this: "God's been musing on this all morning, you know. He's especially annoyed that Cannon did the thing about 'vengeance being mine'. Because it is. It's his. If there's any vengeance to be done, God will be doing it. Make no mistake of that. And he'll decide where it goes, thank you very much. Because it's his. The vengeance. Not Nick Cannon's, thank you very much."

The vision then cured two of the faithful of halitosis, and one man's bunions, before de materialising.

A further appearance at Knock was apparently preceded by a disembodied voice yelling "Look, Lord, can't you just send a burning bush? Or get a Twitter account? Do I always have to be your bloody go-between?". A shimmering, but slightly annoyed looking vision of the Virgin then appeared, delivering the following statement:

"God is rather keen to be left out of this whole thing anyway. He's everywhere, remember, so had to watch when Eminem and Mariah were at it - he can't look away, can he? And he tells me it was all somewhat dull for what's meant to be original sin, though I couldn't comment on that myself, could I?

"Although what God's really annoyed about at the moment is the suggestion that there's no point in teaching astrophysics to a wino. 'Cannon seems very good at quoting me' he was fuming, 'but he doesn't seem to understand me very well'. God then went on this long lecture about how winos are no less capable of understanding astrophysics than students are, and just because he's given them a drink problem doesn't mean there's no reason why someone shouldn't clean a wino up, dry them out, and help them follow their dreams of studying astrophysics. Except then he got even more angry, demanding to know why people wanted to understand physics at that level anyway. Seriously. He doesn't like it, the astrophysics. Sees it as people poking about in his handiwork. 'It's like someone going into a hotel room, and folding back the carpet to see if there's dust been swept underneath it' - that's what God's always saying about astrophysics. I wouldn't know, myself, not having been able to get a hotel room even when nine months pregnant, but tell him that and he blows up: 'It's a metaphor... why can't you people grasp the idea of metaphor and allegory? Why are you always looking for the sodding ark like there's an actual ark?' He's a pain to live with, I'm sorry, but he is.

"Anyway... there you have it. Please leave God out of this, Nick Cannon. Unless you want to spend eternity with the other fella, teaching astrophysics to derelicts."

Joanna Southcott was unavailable for comment before publication deadline.

Mariah Care-y

It's hard to tell if this is a joke at her expense, or, just possibly, being done with a straight face:

Mariah Carey’s new single, Obsessed, has just fallen from number 11 to number 20 in only its second week. This looks to be the biggest flop for Mariah since “Loverboy,” which we lambs made a hit by gathering together and buying several copies. We can do the same for “Obsessed.”

I am asking you to make a donation to [address redacted]. I will spend my time buying several copies of the single. I have already collected $80 from one fan. If you don’t feel comfortable with that, we are setting Saturday as “Obsessed” download day. Please download at least five copies! By the remixes! Mariah needs our help!

Fans effectively paying for their hero's marketing campaign? Oh, please don't put ideas in the RIAA's head; NPR funded by telethons is one thing, but Mariah Carey? That might be stretching charity.

Mariah Carey explains why she was a bit ropey

Mariah Carey has felt the need to apologise for her performance at the Michael Jackson On Ice Memorial Show:

"Trying to sing today was basically impossible for me," writes Carey. "I could barely keep myself from crying. I'm sorry that I wasn't able to pull it together and really do it right, but I was literally choked up when I saw him there in front of me."

Well, that's Tuesday explained. Has she been crying solidly for the two decades prior to that?

Eminem hit by Cannon

Had Eminem hoped that his return to active service would be marked by signs that he's still culturally relevant, the discovery that this time round he's only been able to upset America's answer to Ant and Dec is going to come as something of a bit of a disappointment.

Yes, Nick Cannon, host of No, America Really Does Have Talent, isn't taking Eminem picking on Mariah Carey, Mrs. Cannon with a turned cheek. And so he wrote an angry blog.

Then he decided it might be better off to turn the other cheek after all, and the blog vanished. But not before the internet saw it and copied it down, word for word. Entertainment Weekly read it:

A sternly worded post this weekend on Cannon's blog, which seems to have since disappeared (hmm), dismissed Em as being "still obsessed with my wife, the same female that wouldn't let him get to second base from 8 years ago" and summed up Relapse as Eminem "rapping about when he used to be hot...Like when Al Bundy gloats about his High school football prime."

I suspect the post might have been removed when Cannon walked out of his den, and told Mariah what he had done:

- Heh, I've really stuck it to Eminem; I ripped him a new one by telling him off
- That's nice, honey... what did you do?
- I was like, all, you're stuck in the past, rapping about things which were, like, important when you were important, eight years ago. Heh heh... and I'm like get something new, Mr. 2001...
- But... didn't you say he was rapping about me?
- Oh... um... shiiiiitt...

On the other hand, perhaps Cannon pulled the blog because he suddenly realised what this bit sounds like:

"I realized, that this so-called man has just disrespected and slanderized one of the world's most significantly influential artists, one of the most notable BLACK females of our time, the incredibly cherished, globally loved and world-embraced woman of color, Mariah Carey...You sold your little records and made a little bit of change but now you are stepping in the wrong territory. You may have been able to rape and pillage our artform like an old school Caucasian con man and nobody said anything because we respected your talent, but now you've made the ultimate mistake.

I'm sure Cannon loves his wife, and anyone would be angry and upset at that. And, yes, Eminem is odious when in full flow. But, really, Cannon, you believe that Eminem is picking on Mariah because she's black?

And - seriously - you think Mariah occupies some sort of she-Mandela position in the global pantheon?

one of the most notable BLACK females of our time, the incredibly cherished, globally loved and world-embraced woman of color

An inexplicably popular singer, yes. Perhaps on a plane with Whitney Houston. But she's a slightly overelaborative singer; she's not Alice Walker.

Mariah Carey helps out at Pizza Hut

Just had a spot of lunch in Pizza Hut, and noticed that, currently, they're raising money for a world food charity. If you don't object to them putting five pence on your bill, they give you a special code to download a Mariah Carey tune as a thank you.

This caught out eye, though - it's the signature of Mariah Carey, "Ambassador of World Hunger". If she's the ambassador for hunger, does that make her one of the four horsemen of the Apocalypse?

Rav Singh moves on from Madonna marriage

You can't keep a failed marriage going once it's broken, and, as Rav Singh knows only too well, it's equally true that you can't keep a failed marriage story going once it's broken elsewhere.

So, after weeks of banging away at Madonna break-up tales, he's reluctantly moving on - Find <Madonna> - replace <Mariah Carey>.
Although this bit is unique:

Nick, 27, even had ‘Mariah' tattooed across his shoulders. My source added: "That's a problem."

He could perhaps try dating a woman called Maria and see if they can turn the final 'H' into a kitten or something?

Rav Singh: Madonna calls in the boss

While most gossip columns are happy to speculate that Madonna and Guy might be living separate lives, in different cities, different countries and even - we think this was People - that they'd built a time machine so they could each keep to a different geological eras - Rav Singh knows the real signs of marriage strain:

I hear relations in the seven-year marriage are now so frosty that they’re hardly talking at the dinner table.

We love the idea that the Ritchies might be so stressed they're still meeting for a family dinner, but just not talking. It gets worse:

A source close to Material Girl Madge, told me: “Things are in a bad way. Rather than speak to her directly, Guy will ask their son Rocco to ask Madge to pass the salt during dinner.”

We're given to understand that shortly after publication, the "source close to Material Girl Madge" rang up again to tell Rav they'd got confused - that wasn't Madonna's household at all, that was the Fourmiles in an episode of George And Mildred they were thinking of.

Madonna has asked Rabbi Philip Berg to intervene, says Rav. It's not clear what he's going to sell her to help.

Rav also claims - somewhat implausibly - that the glossy magazines aren't interested in buying Mariah Carey's wedding. Given the way magazines will sign up anyone vaguely famous to splash their wedding across the yawning, empty pages ("This week: She came third on Are You Smarter Than A Ten Year Old? - now, she's hoping to get the 'I Do' question right.") if there's any truth in the story, it's going to be a disagreement on price rather than a lack of interest in the photos.

Darknesss at 3AM: Try not to close your eyes and picture it

No, seriously: don't close your eyes and picture Mariah Carey:

"I rather fancy Prince Charles. He is suave, educated and is a great role model."

Yes, a great role model. Somehow, he managed to drag himself up from nothing to be what he is today, a man hanging around waiting for his mother to die before he gets a job; shunning the woman he loved to marry for status only to dump the mother of his children after playing around behind her back for the entire length of their marriage. Brilliant role model. If he'd ever punched a guy in the head round the back of a pool hall, he'd be perfect.

The 3AM Girls reveal that Mariah does have a back-up plan if Prince Charles proves to be unavailable, though:

She also admitted liking Pop Idol star Darius Danesh

Blimey. Talk about shopping at both ends of the counter.

The 3AMies also have, erm, that Noel Gallagher on hip-hop story that was all over everywhere else 24 hours ago. Perhaps they see themselves as some sort of newspaper gossip column of record?

Who knew? Mariah Carey doesn't have an interest in physics

Everyone - by which we mean "nobody at all" - took Mariah Carey's decision to title her new album E=MC² to demonstrate that she has a deep interest in physics.

Surprisingly - by which we mean unsurprisingly - this turns out not to be the case:

"Einstein's theory? Physics? Me? Hello! I even failed remedial math. I could not pass seventh grade math even in the lowest class with the worst kids."

Even though it's only Mariah Carey, how heartbreaking is it to see someone parading and celebrating her ignorance?

So, what does the album title mean, then? Mariah explains:

She explained that the album title meant "'The Emancipation Of Mimi' to the second power", referring to her 2005 album, which she believes she has surpassed.

But... E=MC² doesn't have any relation to that, does it? Unless 'E' is actually the name of the album, but then why would "MC" stand for the "Emancipation of Mimi"? And, after all, MC² is (M times C) squared, so shouldn't the title mean to refer to something like, say, Mariah combined with cheese raised to a higher power?

Daily Mail: When headlines disappoint

This, we must admit, did sound exciting:

Viva La Diva! Mariah Carey's outrageous demands for a dog chauffeur, 100 pairs of shoes and a £1,000 throne

But it turns out she wanted someone to drive her dog around, not to have her own car driven by a labrador in a peaked cap.

Mariah Carey asks us to look beyond the image

The AP cuts to the key issues of the day, starting with what the world thinks of Mariah Carey:

Mariah Carey knows her indisputable talent clashes with her sexed-up image as a "ditz."

"It's a dichotomy, I understand," the 37-year-old Grammy winner told Allure magazine. "I understand that people think I am a ditzy moron."

We can see the ditzy moron, jiggling around in a bikini in videos for lightweight pop-fluff; surely, though, to be a dichotomy there'd have to be some other thing in opposition to that?

Mariah doesn't like an audience

Women who had blamelessly doing what it is that women do backstage at the VH1 Music Cares event were surprised to be approached by bouncers keen for them to leave:

Two women already there say her security tried to evict them, but they refused to leave. Says one: "One of the bodyguards said to us, 'If you're going to stay, you better not watch Mariah pee.'

If Mariah really wanted privacy so badly, though, could she not have just closed the cubicle door?

Mariah Carey keeps all her fan mail

Yes, it's apparently true - Mariah never throws away a letter, however odd:

She tells British newspaper the Daily Star of one letter, "(It said) Jennifer Lopez is a skank who can't sing. I'm not encouraging the negativity but I think these fans are hilarious."

Actually, we suspect it doesn't really count as a letter from a fan if it's one returned because you put too little postage on, but thanks for sharing.

Carey sets feminism, femininity back another 100 years

Oh, god. It sounds like Mariah Carey's new album is like those old Friends break bumpers for cheap white wine, only with more pink giggling:

"I sat in the hot tub the other night playing some songs for some friends and one of them felt that is was a very pro-woman thing.

"It's not that the songs are male-bashing. It's a fun record."

Now, we could be wrong. Perhaps the record is pro-woman in calling for equal rights, access to education, an end to female circumcision and suttee practices.

But we suspect it isn't.