Jennifer Lopez could be going to prison (but won't)

After doing her usual thing in Morocco, Jennifer Lopez could be thrown in prison [horrible autoplay video site]:

Lopez faces a lawsuit because of her suggestive stage moves and the apparel she wore during her May 29 concert at the Mawazine Festival. The performance was in front of 160,000 and broadcast on public television.
[...]
Lopez and the show's promoter are being sued. If she is found guilty, the singer faces one month to one year in prison, according to TMZ.

Obviously, she won't be going to prison.

It's a simple enough story, but one that some readers of ABC Action News struggle with. Below the line:

Mushmouseydi Roberts
Smh, don't perform in places that don't appreciate the music .

The one thing they don't seem to be complaining about, Mushmouseydi, is the music. The music, they were happy with. They liked Jenny From The Block. It was just the frocks they had a problem with.

World Cup: J-Lo doesn't make it to the finals

If the BBC has chosen a poor theme for the World Cup, the official song from FIFA isn't going down any more smoothly:

FIFA said in a news release on Sunday that Cuban-American rapper Pitbull and Brazilian singer Claudia Leitte will sing the official tune "We Are One" before Brazil takes on Croatia on Thursday in Sao Paulo.

The song has let down many Brazilians who complain that it sounds too generic for Bossa Nova-crazed audiences in Brazil and that it features foreign musicians singing mostly in English and Spanish. Leitte sings only a few seconds at the end of the song in her native Portuguese.

It's unclear how the song was chosen, but given this is FIFA we can't rule out brown envelopes; strange handshakes; or mysterious deals relating to global gas supplies.

On the record, J-Lo adds... something, as this picture of her enthusiastically posing with Pitbull and in no way looking like she'd much rather be elsewhere, shows:

(editor's note: the caption on that photo says it's Pitbull; I'm not entirely sure it isn't the late Mike Reid.)

Having agreed to do the awkward photocall, though, Lopez seems to have had enough, and won't join her colleagues for a quick run-through prior to kick-off:

Soccer's governing body says Lopez cannot perform at Thursday's event because of unspecified "production issues."

Not only can she not be arsed to turn up, she can't even be arsed to come up with a proper excuse for not turning up.

J-Low

Jennifer Lopez had a bit of a meltdown while onstage this weekend.

It turns out that, if you're feeling emotionally vulnerable, going on stage to sing a song about love accompanied by dancers who have been chosen because they all look like your ex-partners might not be the best move for your mental health. Radaronline spoke to an onlooker:

As she sang, pairs of dancers appeared in spotlights around her. One couple had a P. Diddy look-alike with the female dancer wearing a copy of her infamous slit-down-to-the navel Versace gown. Another had the male dancer mimicking Cris Judd with the girl in jeans and a T-shirt, while another pair had the girl wearing a seafoam green gown on the arm of a Ben Affleck double. Most telling was the dancing couple who recreated Lopez and Marc Anthony during their sizzling American Idol performance last May, just weeks before they announced their split.

Half of you feels terribly sorry for her; the other half of you kind-of wonders how she was allowed to get away with such self-indulgent self-destructive behaviour in the first place.

Gordon in the morning: Arse

Given nothing to say, Gordon falls back on saying 'look at that, it's Jennifer Lopez's butt:

Lo and behold lads...

That's pretty much it. A big picture of a woman's bottom, and a nudge, and a wink.

Lopez upsets Greek Cypriots

Jennifer Lopez has taken up an innocent-sounding and lucrative offer to play a gig in sunny Cyprus and managed to find herself caught in one of those hyper-angry European megarows that blow up over the island.

Because she's taking a big payday from the Turkish-occupied bit. The Guardian reports the almost-instant campaign against the gig:

A web campaign led by indignant Greek Cypriots to convince Lopez to change her mind has attracted thousands of signatories angry that she should even consider performing in territory that is not officially recognised by the United Nations.

"It is with dismay and shock that the people of Cyprus and especially the Greek Cypriot women in the Republic of Cyprus and elsewhere in the world heard the news that you intend to attend the inauguration of a hotel in the occupied by Turkey [sic] part of our native country," says a letter that forms the basis of the campaign.

Lopez still seems happy to turn up, though - sure, the terrible fate of the island is bad, but it's not like the Greek Cypriots are offering an equally large sum for her not to go, is it?

Despite the furore, the five-star Cratos Premium insists the event will go ahead, promising a "very special birthday party … full of surprises for Jennifer Lopez".

I suspect she's already more than a little surprised.

The yawning gap in Western Culutre identified; J-Lo to fill

No, no, it's not the long-afeared news of Legally Blonde: The Series, but the next "best" thing: Jennifer Lopez is going to executive produce a TV series spun out of Maid In Manhattan.

"Executive produce" is a technical term used in American television to indicate a person who receives a large cheque in return for their name appearing in the credits.

Obviously, the central story in the original Maid In Manhattan - something to do with an unconvincing maid having an unconvincing relationship with an actor planning to fire his agent - was resolved, and so the TV series will have to be different:

"The show is a different maid in a different Manhattan," pilot-writer Chad Hodge told the Hollywood Reporter.

A different Manhattan? Like the one in Montana, perhaps? Or does Hodge mean a different different, like with Spooks Code Nine, set in the same place, but one psychologically different - in Spooks' case, due to a disaster survived only by refugees from Hollyoaks.

Hodge says Lopez has contributed “a fountain of ideas” to the pilot and series.

We're given to understand he actually meant she'd contributed an idea about a fountain, and how it would be great if the cast could all dance about in one during the opening titles.

Jennifer Lopez: It's twins

Oh, apparently everyone knew it was going to be twins. One of each, mind. Oh, you'd heard that too?. Oh.

No word yet on which one will be the evil one.

Victoria Newton hails J-Lo's bravery

This morning, we have to ask everyone to take a moment to think of Jennifer Lopez and the selfless bravery Newton applauds her for:

The diva donned this tight silver dress and diamante glasses to promote new album Brave, out this week.

I guess it takes some bravery to dress like that...

Wearing a dress and being photoshopped to hell to save some drowning kittens from a burning house sell some records. There isn't a valour medal that's been struck that can do that justice, is there?

Jennifer Lopez: Spanish and English are different

The Daily Mail has got itself in something of a lather over Jennifer Lopez' hotel room demands, but to be honest - apart from a touching faith that American products are easy to come by in the UK (CoffeeMate Hazelnut liquid creamer? Try Marvel and a spoonful of Nutella, it's pretty much the same deal, Jennifer) it's not so very outrageous. She's hired a room to store her stage clothes, and asked for something to hang them on.

What is interesting, though, is her explanation of her Spanish language album:

"I'm really excited about it. The first single will be out this summer. And, you know, it's very different from my Spanish album.

"My Spanish album was kind of an opportunity to get away from what I do on my English albums, to kind of express a different side of myself."

So it's "very different" and, um, something. Still, at least she managed to not blurt out "it's pretty much the same stuff, but have you seen the size of the freakin' Latin market?"

Jennifer Grow-pez

Interesting: Is the Jennifer Lopez who's pregnant and going to give birth early in 2008 the same Jennifer Lopez supposedly supporting the Spice Girls late in 2007?

Mariah Carey keeps all her fan mail

Yes, it's apparently true - Mariah never throws away a letter, however odd:

She tells British newspaper the Daily Star of one letter, "(It said) Jennifer Lopez is a skank who can't sing. I'm not encouraging the negativity but I think these fans are hilarious."

Actually, we suspect it doesn't really count as a letter from a fan if it's one returned because you put too little postage on, but thanks for sharing.

J-Lo makes the poor folk dance

Jennifer Lopez is casting for a dancer to appear - briefly and not centrally - in her new video. Oh, and she's turned it into a talent seach. Hello! is thrilled:

In a scene reminiscent of Fame, the 38-year-old singer looked on as hopefuls strutted their stuff to the beat of songs from her albums.

Reminiscent of Fame, yes, but surely more reminiscent of, ooh, some sort of programme that might encourage young hopefuls to try out for a taste of celebrity glitz.

It's a thin morning for Bizarre

The two lead pieces in Victoria Newton's column today are fairly poor photos which Newton has attempted to disguise by suggesting they both look like something else.

So we have Kerry Katona smoking a cigarette:

Ciggie in mouth and dressed like that, the I’m A Celeb winner bore a striking resemblance to another Fag Ash Lil, TV’s Waynetta Slob, wife of Wayne (mum and dad to Spudulika).

Erm... no she didn't. And isn't it more interesting that Iceland are apparently still using her for their adverts?

Then, even more tenuously, there's J-Lo:

J-Lo’s sultry pose is identical to EVA HERZIGOVA’s in the legendary Wonderbra campaign.

Well, if you accept that "identical" means "a bit like", and ignore that Eva was looking at her breasts with her hands up and, erm, Jennifer Lopez was looking at the floor with her arms down. But when you're desperate to fill space, I guess anything will do.

Don't call me a madam - J Lo

Much as the Conservatives desperately tried to persuade people not to call them Tories, a name they felt linked them to swivel-eyed mine-closing coldhearts, we suspect that while Jennifer Lopez migh ask to not be called J-Lo any more, she'll find it difficult to shake off:

“That’s all gone with the ridiculous stories about me throwing tantrums and insisting on Egyptian sheets. That’s all firmly in my past.”

We think this means she's happy she's finally got the "egyptian sheet" message through without having to throw tantrums every time she turns up at a hotel.

Of course, turning up and demanding that people call you by a certain name, to avoid accusations of being a controlling, self-obsessed, shallow diva might, just, be a little self-defeating.

Feel the fur and do it anyway

Jennifer Lopez's love of draping herself in the pelts of slaughtered creatures is causing her some problems. Apparently, she's been getting death threats from what the News of the World call "animal rights nuts". Interestingly, there seems to be some attempt in the reporting to comflate the mainstream PETA with the slightly more hideline death threaters:

My insider said: "Jen is absolutely terrified. The death threats have demanded she stop wearing animal skin.

"The letters were sent directly to her home and she's scared for her life."

J-Lo, 37, is so frightened that hubby MARC ANTHONY, 38, has had to tell her security entourage to work around the clock.

[...]

In 2005 more than one hundred protesters from PETA demonstrated at the Los Angeles premiere of J-Lo's film Monster In Law.

An insider said: "Groups like PETA have hated Jen for years and have made threats before.

"Fur is making a comeback in the US. It's fashionable again and the animal rights groups blame celebrities like Jennifer because of it."

It's more than a little unhelpful to suggest that peaceful, lawful pressure groups and criminal activists are one and the same. Unless, of course, you're trying to make the public think that anyone who's committed to anything is some sort of terrorist.

J-Lo heads to London to sue

You can understand J-Lo and Marc Anthony being a little upset at being accused of being "caught up in a heroin scandal" on the basis of little more than an ages-old photo of Anthony stood next to someone on trial on drugs charges.

But is it really on to sue The National Enquirer in the UK courts?

Lawyer Paul Tweed told AP news agency the case would not be held in the US due to legal difficulties. "The First Amendment restrictions in US libel law make it virtually impossible for international celebrities or other high-profile individuals to sue successfully," he said.

"But with the advance of the internet, and with US publications now extending their distribution network into Europe, they must subject themselves to libel laws in these jurisdictions."

Leaving aside the details of the case, this is just the latest in a run of libel tourism cases, where complainants choose to fight not in the country where the libel was committed, but in the nation where they stand the best chance of victory. Sometimes, the publication may have only sold a handful of copies in the jurisdiction where the case is brought, but it's enough to justify the location of the action.

It's good news for British lawyers - the notoriously pro-complainant stance of the UK courts makes us an attractive venue for this sort of action - but it's hardly a fair basis for a legal battle.

And if the main justification for bringing a libel case is to restore a sullied reputation in open court, how can it possibly help to hold that court case thousands of miles from where the main audience who saw the original article reside? If you call my mother a moose in a bar in Vancouver, how does it balance things for you to apologise in public in Croydon?

We don't believe this one

The Sun's report on Victoria Beckham being lined up for Dancing With The Stars is so stinking of fish, even the paper's sister website Sky Showbiz is holding its nose as it repeats the story:

A source told The Sun: "We are halfway through the series and it has been massive. A lot is down to Heather.

"We really want Victoria. She's not very popular right now, like Heather wasn't. That's why she'd be perfect.

"Also, she might get pals like Tom Cruise and Jennifer Lopez to watch her."

In an eight paragraph story, Sky Showbiz mentions that it's only saying what the Sun said three times - it might as well have included an animated gif of Jimmy Hill rubbing his chin and going "RECK-onnnn".

Leaving aside why they'd be casting for dancers to join half-way through, and the pain of the phrase 'she's not very popular right now, like Heather wasn't', and wonder about someone working in TV in America suggesting that Victoria Beckham is "unpopular" (on the scale of the hated Heather Mills or not) rather than "nothing."

Still - Tom Cruise and J-Lo in the audience. That's less Dancing With The Stars than Staring Up Desperately Believing That Some Sort Of Uber-god Is Coming From The Stars.

J-Lo and her "rightness" wrongness

Jennifer Lopez's appearance on American Idol may have proven rumours she's signed up for Scientology, the religion-a-like scam invented for a bet.

During her interviews to push the show, she slipped the word "rightness" into the conversation:

When asked about her comments on the judges' critiques of the contestants, Lopez said that in contrast to the harsh statements of Simon Cowell, she believed that "concentrating on the rightness brings more rightness."

"Rightness" is the sort of phrase that L Ron Hubbard used to use all the time. Oddly, the Metro thinks this is a quip of some sort. Yeah, that's so amusing.

Marc Anthony remembers what the five knots tied in his hanky were for

Forgetful Marc Anthony has come to an expensive agreement with the IRS after not filing tax returns for five years. He's going to write a cheque for $2.5million, they're not going to pursue the matter, everyone's blaming the accountant and we can all move on.

Not "move on" in the sense of walking away from his marriage to J-Lo, of course. Her people are busy denying reports the couple have "called it quits":

"(This is) a disgusting story full of lies. We're consulting lawyers."

They've even managed to rustle up a "pal":

"They're inseparable. I don't get a whiff of trouble."

Well, if an unidentified pal hasn't picked up on anything, I think that's pretty conclusive. Sky News doesn't say so, but I think the pal is probably very sensitive to that sort of thing, and would know instantly if anything was wrong. Don't you?

I'm still Jenny from the Galactic Confederacy

Jennifer Lopez is mates with Tom Cruise and that woman, and her Dad is happy writing his cheques to the Scientologists, so it's perhaps unsurprising she doesn't see anything odd with people choosing a well-run business-cum-cult in place of a religion:

"I'm not a Scientologist, I was raised Catholic.

"But it's funny the way people come at it. To me it's so strange. These are some of the best people I've ever met in my life.

"You know, they're just lovely, genuine people.

"My dad has been a Scientologist for 20 years.

"He's the best man that I know in my life and so, it's weird to me that people want to paint it in a negative way."

Yes... fancy that, people wanting to paint negatively a cult which tries to break off contact between members and their families, which threatens search engines who deliver unflattering results, which was set up as a bet and which churns out second rate Blakes 7 plots in place of actual teachings. I wonder why.