J-Low

Jennifer Lopez had a bit of a meltdown while onstage this weekend.

It turns out that, if you're feeling emotionally vulnerable, going on stage to sing a song about love accompanied by dancers who have been chosen because they all look like your ex-partners might not be the best move for your mental health. Radaronline spoke to an onlooker:

As she sang, pairs of dancers appeared in spotlights around her. One couple had a P. Diddy look-alike with the female dancer wearing a copy of her infamous slit-down-to-the navel Versace gown. Another had the male dancer mimicking Cris Judd with the girl in jeans and a T-shirt, while another pair had the girl wearing a seafoam green gown on the arm of a Ben Affleck double. Most telling was the dancing couple who recreated Lopez and Marc Anthony during their sizzling American Idol performance last May, just weeks before they announced their split.

Half of you feels terribly sorry for her; the other half of you kind-of wonders how she was allowed to get away with such self-indulgent self-destructive behaviour in the first place.

Jedward: Not ready for independent living

What frightens Jedward?

No, not what you might think would be the obvious fear - that the world would weary of a pantomime joke which has become detached from its moorings.

No, it's breasts which alarm them:

When asked what frightens them the most, the troublesome duo said: "Girls that wear really low cut tops.

"It's because we don't know where to look."

Um... the women's face?

But that whole female thing is sooo tricky, isn't it?

"Sometimes we don't realise when we're flirting with girls.

"We can come across as though we're interested in them but really, we're just trying to be friendly."

It's not actually possible to flirt without realising you're doing it. It's like saying "sometimes I order a pie and chips from the chip shop without realising I'm doing it." The intent is part of the flirt, surely?

What you mean is, possibly, that people think you're flirting when you're not, but to be honest: you run around shouting. Nobody is going to confuse that with flirting. Seriously.

[Thanks to Michael M]

Cliff Richard made a choice

You have to hope she didn't wait:

Sir Cliff Richard dumped his first serious girlfriend by letter, saying he had to put his pop career before any "lasting relationship".

With anyone else, you'd say the inclusion of the word 'lasting' there would have been a get-out clause to allow the odd one-night bunk-up. But this is Cliff Richard.

This is a letter Cliff wrote to his then girlfriend Delia Wicks, dumping her to spend more time with the Shadows:

"Being a pop singer I have to give up one priceless thing - the right to any lasting relationship with any special girl."

He also said it was "one of the biggest decisions" he would ever have to make.

The singer urged her to "find someone who is free to love you as you deserve to be loved" and who "is able to marry you".

He continues: "I couldn't give up my career, besides the fact that my mother and sisters, since my father's death, rely on me completely.

"I have showbiz in my blood now and I would be lost without it. "

There's a sneaking suspicion rising in my mind that Richard might have spent the last half-century sticking out records as an excuse for not being able to commit to a relationship.

But seriously, Cliff, are you saying Mistletoe And Wine was worth a life without kisses?

Michael Buble: You're in with a chance

There's a Michael Buble announcement about dating fans:

"I have dated a fan. What's amazing is they start as a fan and they get to know you as a person and you become a real human being.

"I don't choose people to fall in love with because of what they do. I think good people are good people."

There is no way this is a big wink at the audience and a "it could happen, ladies".

Whibley, Lavigne: marriage's great hopes

If even Madonna and Guy can't make marriage work, even with the support of bottles and bottles of Kabbalah water and almost totally separate lives, what hope is there for anyone?

But here is a heartwarming tale of young couples making sanctified union work to their advantage - Deryck Whibley and Sum 41 have rejected rumours about a crack in their marriage:

On October 20th the National Enquirer issued a gossip story
surrounding Deryck Whibley of Sum 41 and his wife Avril Lavigne. For
the record we strongly deny the inference of martial problems
between Avril and Deryck. We also strongly deny the National Enquirer
claims of any other liaisons. Deryck has in fact been travelling
through Asia performing with Avril as evidenced by the numerous
Youtube videos.

Says Deryck Whibley "I'm actually very surprised that so many media
outlets picked this story up. Since when did the National Enquirer
become a trust worthy news source?".

Yeah... videos on YouTube. That's, like, admissible evidence in all states and territories apart from Syria and Arkansas.

Still, it's great to know this marriage is strong and all those who thought it was little more than a stunt to try and shore up two dwindling preteen acts must be feeling pretty stu... hang on, what's this at the end of the official statement?

Sum 41's most recent release "Underclass Hero", which spawned the
hit singles "With Me" , "Walking Disaster" and " Underclass Hero" ,
has now sold in excess of 1 million albums, 2 million digital tracks
and 15 million streams world wide. The album peaked at #1 in Canada,
Japan, and #7 on the US Billboard charts. Based on this success
Universal Music picked up their option to have Sum 41 produce a new
album in 2009, thus after completing a very successful 18 month
world tour the band has started work on a new album.

Why, if we didn't know that this was all about Whibley defending his love, we'd assume that this denial was little more than the start of the promotional campaign for the next Sum 41 album.

Nelly adds a Stone

Unlikely pairings of our time, number 49773: Joss Stone is dating Nelly, apparently. We just hope she hasn't commenced on the relationship using her hip-hop accent - can you imagine trying to keep that up through a marriage?

A "source" apparently told the Daily Mirror:

It's great she has met someone as successful as she is and who understands the pressures being a performer can put on your life.

Is it just us, or does that sound like Joss phoned the 3AM desk herself?

[Thanks again to Michael M]

Brown, Rhianna: not together, just looks like it

Chris Brown and Rhianna aren't a couple, they say, but they can see how it looks like they are:

"It's actually funny, because I know the truth when I see a picture, but when they write a note with it, it's so crazy because people read it — of course they say that about a picture," Rihanna said. "I always try to read things from a fan's perspective. It's so believable, I just give up."

"I think we've got the worst luck with pictures. I think that's the thing," Brown added.

Especially the one with Rhianna in a white dress and Chris in a tuxedo cutting a cake in front of all their friends and relatives. That one was really, really unlucky.

Hart breaks Pink's heart

When splits happen, thank god there's a publicist there to make it all better. Pink's woman at the press conference, Michele Schweitzer, puts a brave face on the split between her boss and Carey Hart:

"The decision was made by best friends with a huge amount of love and respect for one another," Schweitzer told People magazine. "While the marriage is over, their friendship has never been stronger."

Although, presumably, the sex is no longer anything like as good.

Pink will continue to concentrate on her musical career; Hart will continue to... what was it? Skateboards or pogo stick competitions or something... let's just say avoid getting a proper job.

Sunday Mirror tries to respark Kylie's old flame

The Sunday Mirror reckons that Kylie and Olivier Martinez are about to reunite. They may or may not be, but it seems the paper is assuming they must be because they met up in Paris - as if former lovers can't remain friends. "They're talking to each other and happy in each other's company" is a difficult concept to fit into the tab's needs for a basic lovers/fighters
dichotomy.

We were amused, though, by the commentary on the photos of the couple which insists they "only have eyes for each other" above a picture which shows them looking in a totally different direction:

And now the Sun trashes the NOTW...

Poor Cheryl Cole. The question of whether Ashley has done anything - and who with - has now ceased to be important; now, the story is all about sister papers scrapping in public.

You'll recall that yesterday's News of the World had offered Cheryl the chance to tell the world that Ashley can't hold an erection while he's drunk, to counter The Sun's claims that he'd had sex with a woman who was not in Girls Aloud.

This morning, The Sun counters that Cole's "people" offered to pay for an abortion for Aimee Walton. Cole hadn't worn a condom because, he's supposed to have said that he didn't "do that shit".

Abortions; refusal to wear condoms; and - it turns out - three separate shags. It's surprising how much colourful detail Walton had forgotten to mention the first time she sold her story to The Sun.

Cilla: I let Mills be a blind date

At the moment, Cilla Black stalks the daytime television schedules, telling us that the sixties were a special time and reminding you that everyone you care about will die, so you better sort yourself out with some sort of assurance from Liverpool Victoria. Or LV= as it seems to be called these days. It's not clear why, having done all they can to throw the Liverpool connection overboard, they've then hired Cilla Black to hammer it back home again.

Mind you, they've also gotten rid of their lovely chicken logo, too.

We're not sure we'd take Cilla's advice on caring for loved ones, especially as she's now admitted she kept her mouth shut and let Macca walk into the Mills marriage. Oh, why, Cilla, why?

Black, 64, was wary about the union but resisted offering McCartney her opinion on Mills because she feared he wouldn't heed her advice. She says, "If you're totally besotted with somebody - as Paul was with Heather - you don't want a third party telling you what to do.

"I do advise most of my friends. But not Paul. Mind you, if he'd asked I'd have said what I thought. I'd have told him he had to make his own mistakes. That's the only way you learn.

"But I might have suggested that perhaps he should listen to what his family were saying."

So, she advises her friends.

Although people don't listen when they're besotted, so she doesn't.

But she would have done if Paul had asked. Which he hadn't.

But if he had, she would have told him to make his own mistakes.

Except she wouldn't have, she'd have said listen to the kids.

What a tragedy that McCartney never got to hear this clashing, confused

McCartney hugs a mate

The Sun has worked itself into something of a froth over a photo of Paul McCartney kissing a woman he knows. So frothy are they, they've actually made the photo totally useless, slapping a big Sun logo all over it and putting that pathetic "our lawyers are watching" into the picture.

And the lawyers, clearly, are watching, as the article which accompanies the picture doesn't actually draw its own conclusions. Sure, it hints that there's something going on between McCartney and Nancy Shevell:

Macca and the married cracker

... but the paper doesn't actually get beyond innuendo and lead-covered hints:

They chatted warmly over breakfast and shared late-night dinners and cocktails at restaurants.

Chatting warmly? Having dinner together? What could you be hinting at?

Macca was also seen shopping at an exclusive lingerie store before meeting the classy socialite.

Good lord... are you trying to tell us that Paul McCartney wears women's underwear?

Still, married, eh? So... there's some sort of homewrecking going on here, then?

Nancy is vice president of her wealthy family’s successful transport firm based in Elizabeth, New Jersey. She was known as Nancy Shevell Blakeman but has recently dropped her husband’s name.

So, she's married in sort-of the same way that Paul McCartney is, technically, married, then?

So, this story is: Paul McCartney has a female friend.

Curiously, by the way, this story is itself as estranged as its central characters, with Victoria 'showbiz editor' Newton leading with, erm, which tatty babe calendar is the "sexiest".

Meanwhile, Heather Mills has been continuing her campaign to stop the press ripping people's reputations to shreds by, erm, telling Hello what a bastard McCartney is:

“This is a man that hangs on to his money. He wouldn’t be as rich if he didn’t.

“Who needs that kind of money?”

Aha. You might have thought McCartney was rich because The Beatles back catalogue still earns him a small fortune every year, but it's actually because he hasn't spent a happorth since 1962. Perhaps when the Sun says he shared cocktails with Nancy Shevell they really do mean he ordered a Slippery Nipple and two straws.

There is something dark at the heart of Shevell's story, though:

She wed Bruce Blakeman, a commissioner of the New York Port Authority and a partner in a top New York law firm, in 1984 – and they have a teenage son, Arlen.

The couple, seen in New York society as a powerful political team, are both active Republicans and donated money to George Bush’s presidential campaign in 2004.

Ewww, Paul. How could you?

Cerys: It's over

Further to our comments last week about the difference between the gentle touch of the regional press and ther harder-nosed nationals, having elected to avoid discussing the status of her marriage with the Western Mail, Cerys Matthews blurted the truth to The Independent on Sunday:

So when is Seth going to arrive? The gulls circle overhead. Cerys slumps in her chair and stares at her glass of white wine from behind huge pink wraparound sunglasses. "Well," she says quietly. "I am now divorced."

That's news to me, and I have read everything anyone has written about her recently. This split is not public knowledge, is it? "No, not really. I've not done an interview about it. What am I meant to say?"

The sun seems to have gone in. Judging by her mood we had better brace ourselves for hail stones. I am still going to ask, though, if that's why she's back. Which came first: the split or the decision to return? "Erm," she says slowly, "they both became apparent at the same time."

Even though he's from London, Cole Moreton knows when probing has gone far enough, and moves on himself.

Johnny Borrell is the MC Scat Cat of our time

You remember MC Scat Cat: he was the male vocalist on Paula Abdul's Opposites Attract. She hated cigarettes, he liked to smoke. Just like Johnny Borrell and Kirsten Dunst, it turns out:

"She couldn't stand the smell of stale fags, beer and kebabs in her nice living room. Can't say I blame her, really."

Unlike an animated cat boyfriend, though, this is all two steps back, with no steps forward.

"We were leading different lifestyles. It's over. She believes in equality, that a bloke should chip in with the housework."

We imagine at this point, Borrell's PR person coughed loudly.

"Fair enough, but I'm messy, and I love messing around with bikes."

How sweet of Borrell to concede that being asked to stick a hoover round occasionally is "fair enough". It's like one of them new men you read about in the papers, isn't it?

Johnny then goes on to list some other ways in which the couple were total opposites:

"I have been incredibly busy recording our latest album and I'd be rolling in at all hours, when she'd be getting up to go on set filming How To Lose Friends & Alienate People."

He's a late night rock star, she's a daytime film star.

"I'm very much a night owl, and she's up with the lark."

Um... that's the same thing, isn't it?

"She's a really cool girl and she loves London and Britain."

... while Borrell isn't and doesn't, we can only conclude.

Not that Johnny cares, of course, as he's simply too busy to have a girlfriend:

"My focus now is on breaking America. So there's not really time for a love life. There was no one else involved. Besides, we've been performing at festivals and touring nonstop and barely have time to think, let alone go out on a date."

And yet you still found the time to make the place stink of beer, ciggies and kebabs.

Kershaw arrested near Peel

The somewhat protracted absence of Andy Kershaw from Radio 3 - there was some muttering about him being "unwell" but then Lucy Durans' stewardship of the Monday-night programme seemed to be turning into a permanent residency - might be getting a bit more protracted yet: he's been detained on the Isle of Man for allegedly breaching a restraining order designed to prevent him going near the home of his former partner, Juliette Banner.

Andy has been remanded in custody pending a hearing this Tuesday.

It's hardly being star-crossed, is it?

The Daily Mail expresses surprise at the relationship between Sophie Dahl and Jamie Cullum.

Not because it's Jamie Cullum, which was enough to make us check on Wikiepdia that there aren't two Sophie Dahls. Oh no, the Mail worries about size:

Sophie Dahl's new romance with Jamie Cullum is going from strength-to-strength - despite the 6ft model towering over the 5ft 4in British jazz musician by eight inches.

[...]

They looked like an unusual pair at first," said one onlooker at Los Angeles Airport.

"Sophie towered over Jamie, even though she was only wearing flip-flops.

"But she was smiling and seemed very relaxed as he puffed down the stairs with his little suitcase. It was all very sweet."

As 'love against the odds' goes, it's hardly the greatest stumbling block, is it? You can't really picture even Hollywood trying a movie where the pitch was "He was from a privileged background, working in a fast-moving industry... so was she... but he was a little bit shorter. Could they overcome the occasional need for him to stand to tiptoe to kiss her when they were standing up to find true romance?"

Cullum should try heels. It might stop him dancing on the piano, too.

Pete Doherty: Will drop names for food

It's been noticeable that, during his time with Kate Moss, Pete Doherty stopped popping up giving interviews to the tabloids every ten minutes. Now, if you were cynical, you might think that a sign that he was doing these pieces as a form of income. That once he was being underwritten by Moss, they dried up seemed to confirm this. And now, funnily enough, once he's fending for himself again, why, he's once again whispering in the ears of the papers.

Today's Mirror interview tries to pull off the awkward three-way of presenting himself as a victim, trying to be nice to Kate in a bid to win her back, and giving enough to the paper to earn the fee:

In one breath the junkie rocker calls the 33-year-old supermodel a vile-tempered "nasty old rag" who frequently lashed out at him and "kicked me in the head".

In the next, he passionately declares: "I love her with all my heart. I like the way she walks and talks. I love her bones. I love her brain."

"Kate has broken my heart.

"There's been this lockdown and I can't get hold of her. This is the only way I can get through.

"I need her to know that she's out of her fucking mind. Kate, if you love me then realise I don't want any other girl.

He doesn't pull it off.

"Do I still love her? Don't ask me that question. Why do you think I'm here today talking to you? I'm here to tell her that I love her.

"Fucking hell man, why does she read the Daily Mirror, anyway? She moans all the time about the fucking paparazzi then first thing in the morning she's got to buy your paper."

There's one for the circulation department, then.

"Kate - a nasty old rag. We fell out for the same old reason. She accused me of fucking this girl who lives around the corner.

"We were watching a DVD together and Kate started going 'I could tell by the way you were sitting back there that you've fucked her'. I said 'You're out of your fucking mind'.

"I was really up for some peace and love that morning. I wasn't up for being called a cunt and being kicked in the head.

"She's got an awful temper. I grabbed a guitar and books and said 'I'm never going to be treated this way again'."

Ah. Doherty walked out. Right. Because he has his dignity, of course. Up to the "scrabbling around for coins in the Mirror" bit.

And what of the drucks, Pete: how is your drugs hell:

"They gave me an anti-drugs implant. I was under very, very heavy sedation.

"Then they gave me a sticker warning the emergency services that I shouldn't be given any morphine.

"All my receptors are now blocked which means I can't enjoy the recreational use of Class A drugs.

"Inside, I feel a little more chirpy than I have for a long, long time.

"But that's only because there's a degree of stability around me that I haven't had for some time."

More bloody implants? Good lord, man, you've been implanted more times than a brood mare to little effect. Why not try some anti-heroin gum while you're at it?

The suggestions about the new music aren't entirely encouraging, either:

"Everything is different this time post-rehab.

"I've never been in a position before where, God strike me down for saying this, I've actually made a record I can listen to and get off on.

"I've always been a bit weird about listening to my own stuff.

"But there are a couple of co-writes on the new album, a few co-writes with Kate - and it's a belter."

Oh, lord help us. Down In Albion was blighted by an apparent inability to be self-critical, so god alone knows what "everything I'm doing is brilliant" coupled with sharing songwriting duties with Kate Moss means.

As a gift to Moss, he pronounces her as clean as a children's book written by nuns:

"The last drugs we did together was the coke in the recording studio when you filmed us. After that, she went into rehab in Arizona and came out a different woman.

"Kate was determined to sort her life out and has done. She doesn't mind the odd spliff but won't go back down the route of the hard stuff. And she certainly won't let me do drugs in her house.

"Drugs are a big no-no for her now. All she wants is to be a good mum to her kid."

What a strange coincidence that the Mirror (or, rather, one of Doherty's mates) happened to catch Kate Moss' last-ever drugs session for posterity. Amazing, isn't it, like when people go through their parents' lofts and discover film of the Titanic leaving Southampton.

Having tried to do Kate a favour, Doherty then ratchets up the guilt a little on her:

"I'm feeling good and I'm determined I can beat the drugs.

"If I had Kate back then life wouldn't be so bad, would it?"

Not, of course, that he'd try to imply that his staying off drugs is in any way connected to her taking him back, or anything.

The one positive thing about Doherty when he's seeing Moss is that he's never as shabby as when he's left to his own devices.

The dream is over

Everything comes to an end: even Albion Market, eventually, reached a finish. And now - officially - Britney Spears and Kevin Federline - have been unhitched.

There is still a little business left between the pair - Britney will apparently be shovelling twenty thousand bucks into the Federline account until November - clearly, that's why she had to make off with all that jewelery from the photoshoot, otherwise where would she get that kind of money from?

The Usher wouldn't be a groom

EastEnders-style marriage mayhem in New York, where Usher pulled out of his wedding a few hours before he was due to do the 'I do'.

We don't think it quite constitutes a jilting - we're pretty certain that Tameka Foster didn't get to the altar. Or not altar, as it was going to be a wedding in LA Reid's house. Actually, he might have an altar. He seems the type.

Anyway, Usher's publicist is now desperately trying to stop the publicity:

The singer's publicist released a statement confirming the wedding was canceled, then added, "No additional information will be given regarding the circumstances of the cancellation, but we hope the privacy of this matter will be respected."

The American gossip press have announced they intend to respect that request for privacy, and won't enter into pages and pages of baseless speculation. Just as soon as they know everyone's been given their wedding gifts back. Until then, they figure, a little speculation won't hurt anyone.

Mel B continues to demonstrate how over Eddie Murphy she is

We're glad that Mel B has managed to put the unpleasantness with Eddie Murphy behind her - why, she barely mentions it these days. The latest barely mentioning it comes in the form of a in-depth interview about her relationship with him. It seems she was somewhat surprised to hear she was no longer his girlfriend, as she believed she was his fiance:

hey were apparently going to buy a house in Malibu together, although they'd disagreed over their differing lifestyles - something the singer had planned to iron out with Eddie but never had the chance to do after he started dating Tracey Edmonds. "When I left for London I thought I would return and we'd finish our discussion. Instead, I returned to: 'It's over and I'm with somebody else.' For me that was confusing. I still haven't received closure."

The whole going-on-the-tv-and-calling-your-partner-the-sort-of-skanky-ho-whose-child-might-have-any-number -of-fathers thing would probably have been enough closure for most people.

But it's surprisingly trusting of her to have a row and then fly away half-way through. My old gran used to say "never let the sun go down on an argument, especially if you have a taxi waiting to whisk you five thousand miles away.