Britney's tour teeters

According to TMZ, Britney is going to pull her tour if she can't come to an agreement with Kevin Federline to let the kids roam with her. The proposed workaround seems to be inviting Federline on tour, with a stipend. Although, apparently, not expecting him to turn up. But still take the money.

Families need fathers

To be fair to Kevin Federline, there are worst choices for Prive Nightclub's Father of the Year award. (Why, come to that, is a nightclub in Vegas running a father of the year contest in the first place?)

And, by all accounts, Federline himself was a bit embarrassed by the prize, refusing to accept it in public.

But not so embarrassed he didn't dump his kids on the nanny - on father's day - to fly out of state to make the appearance. Perhaps it was a trap.

Hustler: Laughing in the face of teen pregnancy

We suppose, to be fair, the idea of superimposing Jamie Lynn Spears' face on a promo poster for Juno is mildly diverting, but it's not as funny as Hustler seem to think:

Hustler's Editorial Director Bruce David says, "We just couldn't let this one slip by us! The pregnant 16-year-old sister of Britney Spears, it's too perfect! You can't make this stuff up!"

You can't make this stuff up? Yes you can - look:

Kevin Federline is going to have a baby with Lindsay Lohan

See? You can make this stuff up. It's very easy.

Although the general level of inventiveness at the magazine suggests that maybe they can't. This is the sort of thing they've done:

Kevin Federline, who is accredited as saying, "Even I wouldn't have fucked Jamie Lynn... unless there was some cash in it."

Yeah, she might be Britney Spears' sister, but she's still a sixteen year old girl. Is that really a fair thing to be publishing?

Darkness at 3AM: Cooking up stories

We know it's only the gossip column on the Daily Mirror, but even so: a restaurant run by Kevin Federline and Jamie Spears? They really believe that's going to happen?

Britney hospitalised

BBC News is reporting that Britney Spears has been taken to hospital in an ambulance; shortly after she passed the children to Kevin Federline.

Britney loses lawyer

With her high-stakes custody battle looming, Britney Spears is lucky to have some top people fighting her case for her. People like Sorrell Trope, who has been involved in this sort of case for decades, with a surprising degree of success.

Trouble is, she doesn't have Trope any more: After Spears missed another court date, Trope has said "enough" and walked. Trope was the third in a line of divorce attorneys who try to make sense of the Spears case, but then fail.

Rav bets the farm on Britney being pregnant

Rav Singh - the showbizziest of all the reporters or however he styles himself - reckons that Britney is pregnant. Curiously, he seems to offer his off-beam story last week that she was adopting Chinese twins as some sort of evidence:

Only last week I revealed she wanted to adopt Chinese twins after losing custody of sons SEAN PRESTON, two, and one-year-old JAYDEN JAMES.

Perhaps Rav thinks she's stuffed them inside, somehow.

Hilariously, Rav also claims to have been the first to announce Britney's divorce. Presumably that was at the time when the rest of the world was convinced it was a fairytale dream come true.

Rav, of course, has nothing to offer to "prove" his story; he's just working the odds that, if she is up the duff, he can add this to his list of amazing stories he got right, and if she isn't, then everyone will have forgotten. See you at the christening, Rav.

Meanwhile, Kevin Federline has been picked as the seventh most-powerful person in the world by Details magazine. We're not quite sure what his power is - perhaps he's some sort of hypnotist - but as the list was headed by Zac Effron (or Bo Duke in the 21st Century), we're imagining that 'power' was measured by showing photos of the shortlist to OK readers and measuring how heartily they applauded.

Rising isn't easy for Britney

We don't know what's more surprising: that Britney's lawyers thought that telling the judge he couldn't understand her difficulty in having early-morning drugs tests because he's not a popstar, or that they got away with it:

Federline's lawyers asked for Thursday's hearing to complain that Spears is not complying with the drug testing order and is not responding to calls from the testing facility within the time frame ordered by [Los Angeles Superior Court Commissioner Scott M.] Gordon.

Gordon said he does not believe Spears should be treated different from other people who get calls from labs in the morning.

"I have to get here at 7:30 a.m. to read papers," Gordon said in reference to documents filed in connection with today's hearing.

Kiley said Gordon's situation is different.

"But you're not a pop star with a number one album," Kiley said.

Rather than saying "no, and nor am I a mother supposedly desperate to do everything she can to remain in contact with her kids", the judge allowed for a slightly more flexible system. He didn't grant the Spears's side demand for six hour warning of drugs tests - presumably to give her time to find her underwear before turning up for the blood sample.

Oddly, judge decides Britney hasn't improved in four days

You've got to give her something for having a crack, but did Britney really think the judge that decided the kids would be better off with Federline on Monday would have changed their mind by Thursday? Presumably all that business with getting a driving licence was intended to show a sense of civic responsibility, was it, Brit?

Spears loses the kids

Not in the sense of "forgets which bar stool she left them on" - on this occasion; rather, a judge has granted Kevin Federline custody of his children by Britney Spears "until the further order of the court." You know there's something gone seriously awry when the kids are better off with Federline than with you.

Britney: Of course it's drugs this morning

We've had the sex, we've had the allegations of attempted murder: today, of course, it's drugs. Commissioner Gordon - who has taken time off running Gotham City Police to act as judge in the Spears-Federline custody battle - has ordered Britney to have random twice-weekly drug tests, claiming:

“there is a habitual, frequent, and continuous use of controlled substances and alcohol”.

We're not sure twice weekly tests can be all that random, can they? Isn't that more like a perpetual testing regime?

Meanwhile, according to OK! - and we say that like that's a phrase that has any real meaning - Britney is "battling an eating disorder."

Or, rather:

A source told the magazine that Spears will do anything to lose weight, including starving herself as well as binging and purging.

The alleged pal reportedly revealed that Britney said, “I’ll starve myself because I’m fat.”

We love the way The Sun suddenly get sniffy about the idea of unnamed friends being used as sources when it's in another publication.

Britney round-up

Britney Spears wanted Kevin Federline dead. Possibly. TMZ is hedging its bets, saying simultaneously that Kevin Federline had no reason to fear for his life, but also that LAPD had investigated "a threat to his life" but closed the case for, oh, lack of evidence, or not really being that bothered, or something along those lines.

Meanwhile, Britney Spears has lost her management company, who decided to not go with a "not touching her with a six foot barge pole" statement and instead made it sound like they were reluctantly walking away:

"It saddens us to confirm media reports that we have terminated our professional relationship with Britney Spears.

"We believe Britney is enormously talented, and has made a terrific record. But current circumstances have prevented us from properly doing our job. We wish Britney the best."

'Current circumstances' meaning 'she's a little bit of a handful', of course.

[Thanks for the Mob-tip to Michael Moran]

Is Britney avoiding another public blow-up?

E! is reporting that Britney Spears might be working with Kevin Federline to try and avoid a second public drubbing. They've had a meeting trying to head off the need for Monday's court hearing about child custody; no agreement yet, but they're still talking.

Mind you, it could just be Kevin's waiting until Britney's antidepressant dose is so high she'll agree to anything.

Britney: Might be a drunk, might be a tramp - but not an unfit mother

It looks like authorities have dropped investigations into Britney Spears' parenting skills, although the exact details of what the complaints were and why they've been rejected is a little shrouded in mystery. Probably the strong comeback single helped, though.

Kevin Federline asks Britney to fund divorce

Who knew that money from making burger commercials wouldn't stretch? Kevin Federline is trying to get Britney to pay his expenses for divorcing her:

Mark Vincent Kaplan says his client has "no net income" after various expenses, and that Ms Spears is "clearly the monied party" in the dispute.

We'd love to see those "various expenses" detailed, but we love the logic that whoever had the money should pay the costs of court cases - Conrad Black could be made to cought up for his fraud trial.

Not too sure, Kevin, that if you're in a court arguing that you're best person to look after your kids that then saying "I have no visible means of support, can you get my soon-to-be-ex-spouse to sub me" will entirely help your case.

Britney's "lesbian trial"

Today's News of the World has a curious, old-fashioned feel to it - they're even, god help us, running a sexy air hostess story of the type that looked tired in the 1970s. Their big splash, though is

Britney's Lesbian Sex Trial

.
This, sadly, doesn't turn out to be a fourteen day test drive programme; and, indeed, isn't really a lesbian sex trail at all. It's merely that, in his bid to get custody of the "raising Britney's kids" reality TV show, Kevin Federline is going to parade a stream of witnesses testifying to Spears' "unsuitable" lifestyle. And one of these claims will be

from a stunning dancer who shared a lesbian romp with the singer.

We really hope that Federline isn't going to stand up in a courtroom and suggest that homosexuality is, of itself, a sign of corrupt morals.
Meanwhile, the NOTW reveals Brit's "new image" - they say it's Mummsy, but to us it looks disturbingly like she's based it on Jimmy Hill.

The dream is over

Everything comes to an end: even Albion Market, eventually, reached a finish. And now - officially - Britney Spears and Kevin Federline - have been unhitched.

There is still a little business left between the pair - Britney will apparently be shovelling twenty thousand bucks into the Federline account until November - clearly, that's why she had to make off with all that jewelery from the photoshoot, otherwise where would she get that kind of money from?

Rav says Britney is back with Federline, almost

Oh, for crying out loud: could Rav not come up with anything more inspired for his Britney back with Fed claims than the inevitable:

OOPS SHE'S DONE IT AGAIN

Mind you, he describes racist bully handmaiden Danielle Lloyd as "delightful" elsewhere in his column, so maybe he's just on medication.

Oddly, Rav starts with a claim that hints at the pair shagging:

Britney spends night with K Fed

BRITNEY Spears is trying to patch up her marriage to Kevin Federline —and has spent two nights in the past week with him.

Rav then fails to provide any more information, either to stack up the implication, or to reveal that when he says "spends nights", he means evenings. Or anything. He doesn't even offer a suggestion as to what nights these were. Indeed, he never even mentions them again.

In effect, then, what Britian's "hottest showbiz reporter" actually has is the same story that appeared, for example, on
The Post Chronicle website last Tuesday.

Apparently more and more people feel they don't really need to buy a Sunday paper. Surprising, that.

History is in the hands of the revisions

Victoria Newton is doing well this morning - unlike a lot of journalists, she's not fallen for the 'Shar Jackson pregnant with Kevin Federline's baby' story. In a report datelined June 14th, Newton reports the denials:

KEVIN FEDERLINE'S ex SHAR JACKSON has laughed off claims that she is having his fifth child.

Reports in the States suggested that BRITNEY SPEARS’ estranged husband was having a baby with Shar, already mum to two of his kids.

But today she joked: "I didn't know I was pregnant until this morning when I watched it on the news.

"I want to thank the news for telling me what's going on in my uterus.

"It's not true unfortunately."

This might come as a surprise to, erm, Victoria Newton's readers, who the day before had been told that Jackson was pregnant with Federline's baby. How can Newton explain this positively quantum pregnancy?

She doesn't need to - the paper has simply replaced the original 'she's pregnant' story with the current 'she's not pregnant' one
All that remains of the original story is a Google News search result, pointing now to a story which says the opposite of what it said twenty-foru hours before.

There's an interesting BBC Editor's Blog entry on the problems of this sort of tidying up of history, by the way.

Still, this isn't the worst thing in the The Sun this morning. Instead, that honour goes to one of the papers' unfunny Photoshop mock-ups. By way of illustration of a story that the Doctor Who finale will be shown at Gay Pride, they run a 'gay Dalek' picture.
We say 'gay dalek', what we meant was some lazy homophobia.

Just for the benefit of any Sun illustrators who might be around, and who seem to get their impression of gay men from 1970s sitcoms:

Being gay doesn't mean you like pink
Being gay doesn't mean you're going to dress like a leatherman
Being gay doesn't mean you have a limp wrist
Being gay doesn't mean you're effeminate
Being gay isn't a punchline in itself.

Busy doing nothing

Fox Searchlight Pictures seem to have been attempting something approaching large-hearted generosity towards Kevin 'where's the rap career gone, Kevin' Federline, when asked about his rumoured role in Night Watch:

[W]hile a representative for movie house Fox Searchlight confirms Federline had auditioned for "a minor role", he says the 29-year-old didn't win the part because of "his availability and our shooting schedule". Referring directly to the reports, the spokesperson adds, "This is not true. Kevin Federline was not cast."

The generosity, of pretending it was just too difficult to find a day on which Kevin Federline could find time to make a film, didn't run so far as to pretend they actually wanted him to do so, you'll note.