Darkness at 3AM: Billie Joe shows his pants

There's been a lot of stories amongst travellers recently of airlines suddenly imposing dress codes on top of the extra fees and crammed misery they already inflict on their passengers.

And now, suddenly, the fight against low-slung pants on tightly-loaded planes has pulled in a famous name.

Well, semi-famous. The 3AM Girls report Billie Joe-Armstrong has been kicked off a Southwest Airlines flight after refusing to pull his trousers up:

An ABC7 news producer who was on the same flight told the station that a flight attendant approached Armstrong as the plane was getting ready to take off and asked him to hike his trousers higher. The producer, Cindy Qiu, says Armstrong initially responded by asking the attendant if there weren't "better things to do than worry about that?"

But the attendant persisted and told Armstrong he could be ejected for his refusal to comply. When Armstrong insisted he was just trying to get to his seat, he and a travelling companion were taken off the plane.

I'm assuming that the Southwest staff had merely been suspicious why a thirty nine year-old man was dressed up like a fifteen year-old. Who wouldn't be?

Darkness at 3AM: Noel buys a radiogram

Apparently convinced he's ninety years old, Noel Gallagher has tried to make a purchase. The Mirror has the details:

“I went to Selfridges and asked for a ghetto blaster. The guy looked at me like I was asking for an obsolete part of a spaceship.

“I was going, ‘You know? Handle, two speakers, put a CD in and you get music?’ Eventually, the guy said: ‘CD? We’ve got iPod docks.’ What’s going on?”

Actually, if you were looking for obsolete parts of spaceships, wouldn't that be futuristic rather than retro?

You've got to love that plaintive 'what's going on?', as if iPods were somehow newfangled devices and hadn't been around for ten years. I wonder how Noel is getting on with digital switchover? Has he lost BBC Two?

This just in: Selfridges have released CCTV footage of Gallagher attempting to make his purchase:

Darkness at 3AM: Beyonce minus 1

The 3AM Girls report that Beyonce has flopped:

OUCH. Just 72 hours after releasing her second single, 1+1 – and even performing it on the American Idol finale – it appears Beyonce has had an embarrassing change of heart.

Following a barrage of less than positive comments from viewers, the track has been mysteriously binned and another has been released as the new single.

Obviously, when your reporting consists of little more than copying stuff off Perez Hilton, you might have little gaps in your story. Nowhere do the 3amies mention that 1+1 wasn't released in the UK at all; nor that it wasn't even a 'proper' release in America.

The US release was classified as a "promotional download" - in other words, it wasn't meant to be a full-fledged release. It looks like Beyonce's people just lobbed it up for download to capture the people wanting to buy the song after it was on a top-rated US TV programme. Rather a shrewd move, surely?

It's still available on the US Amazon site, and doing fairly well for a track not getting any marketing push.

But, still, if Perez says it's been somehow "ditched", that's probably more important to the Mirror than facts.

Darkness at 3AM: Kanye and Elton

The Mirror looks on in Cannes:

Kanye West drives to Elton John party in $1.7 million limited edition Mercedes sports car

You know, Elton would have been just as happy with a bag of chips and a bus trip to the pictures, Kanye.

Darkness at 3AM: Flushed

Yes, yes, the Take That tour dates are all very exciting - by which I mean "inevitable and now just a mechanical device for extracting cash as the magic tarnishes" - but only the Daily Mirror team is asking the key questions about what the toilet arrangements for fans going to Wembley will be.

Darkness at 3AM: Most of Sugababes turn to alcohol

That driving a car while drunk thing? 3AM reckons Amelle Berrabah can explain:

The Sugababes star, 26, who faces court after she was caught driving over the limit says: "I didn't know it was possible six hours later. The fact you can still be over the limit several hours later should be better known."

"I had no idea stabbing a man several times in the head could kill him. The fact you can stab someone nowhere near their heart and still kill them should be better known."

If anyone's going to get away with pretending they're so stupid they don't know that alcohol remains in your system, I guess it would be Berrabah.

Unfortunately for Amelle, it's actually in the Highway Code:

[Alcohol will] take time to leave your body; you may be unfit to drive in the evening after drinking at lunchtime, or in the morning after drinking the previous evening

So even if she had managed to never notice that you can still feel drunk hours after drinking, she should have at least heard the news before she took her driving test.

Instead of pointing this out, though, the 3AMies treat her like she's arrived bearing previously unknown news:

Don't say she didn't warn you...

No, 3AM. Our biology teacher warned us when we were about ten years old.

Darkness at 3AM: John Pilger used to write for the Mirror, you know

I really hope MTV have paid a lot of money for this non-story marketing message to be slipped in as "story" by 3AM:

Mtv news presenter Laura Whitmore has become obsessed with the new MTV urban workout.

She's been busting a groove to various hip-hop classics at her local Virgin Active gym.

We'll pass, thanks...

Is that last line a desperate bid to try and pretend there's a journalist involved here somewhere?

Darkness at 3AM: Thinking of the children

The Mirror's gossip team stick their fingers into Kerry Katona's misery again:

Brian McFadden is so furious with ex Kerry Katona for yelling at their kids in a C4 show he has demanded they spend the summer holidays in Oz, with him. Molly, eight, and Lilly-Sue, seven, will fly to Sydney today. Brian said: "It really upsets me when she uses the kids in her TV shows. I don't like them being pawns in a story."

Yes. That's the best way to stop the kids being pawns in a story, by telling the press that you want the kids with you, away from being used as a cheap way of generating headlines.

Darkness at 3AM: Because you're worth it

George Lamb mobbed at hair party

Really, 3AM Girls?

George Lamb's appearance at Monday night's L'Oréal Colour Trophy bash started a Facebook photo frenzy after he was ambushed by ladies waiting for the loo.

Really? This happened at the Nestle event, did it?

A source said: "It was hilarious. Staff had to walk him through the back to his car because the hysteria was building. The pictures were soon up on a dedicated Facebook page. He loved it."

Really?

Really?

Darkness at 3AM: Let's pretend

I'm prepared to bet a large sum of money that 'Saturday: issue press release saying we're bringing forward the release of the James Corden-Dizzee Rascal world cup of soccer single, citing public demand' was in the media plan from the off.

But the 3AMies are reporting it as news.

Perhaps, to be fair, they've brought forward the release date so it might be on sale while there are still some England players capable of hobbling from the halfway line to the goal mouth.

Darkness at 3AM: I'm getting a sense of gullibility... is there anyone gullible here?

The 3AM Girls ask the big question:

But as Cheryl prepares this week to divorce her footballer husband, the big question is, just how reliable are the psychics the celebrities turn to for guidance?

They're not. They're a bunch of frauds, pouring out rubbish-for-cash and taking advantage of the vulnerable.

For some reason, though, the 3AM team seem to need to go and give these people some sort of publicity to come up with this sort of 'verdict':

Verdict: Eerily accurate in parts, but much of it was stating the obvious.

Although you could say the same thing about the 3AM Girls.

Next week, the 3AM Girls will be asking 'can people really make themselves invisible by closing their eyes?"

Darkness at 3AM: Vickers in a to-do

Diana Vickers 'accidentally' tells the Mirror she's going out with someone:

Blushing, Diana said: “I don’t know why I said that – I am dating someone. I just got really flustered. We’ve been casually dating for a little while.

“He’s just a regular Joe, so he’d kill me if I say his name and because it’s at such an early stage I don’t want to tell anyone yet. I’m so busy it’s hard to fit a boyfriend in, we’re just seeing how it goes.”

How delightful for Vicker's paramour to open the paper today and see himself described as "an ordinary joe." I wonder if she makes him dress up in a boiler suit?

What makes it even more bemusing is that it's Diana Vickers. You're not Lady GaGa. You can imagine Mr. Ordinary Joe telling his mates "yeah, I'm seeing this woman - it's nobody you know, though..."

Darkness at 3AM: The Scissor Sisters return

The 3AM Girls bring exciting news.

The Scissor Sisters have made a brand new album.

No, please, please, try and keep calm.

After four years, you'll obviously be curious as to what they sound like, and the 3AMies have the scoop:

Scissor Sisters announced their return last night with a new album, Night Work, their first in more than four years. The sleeve is a YMCA-inspired take on Bruce Springsteen's Born In The USA and frontman Jake tells: "Night Work is us boiled down to who we are. It feels quintessentially us."

Well, I for one can't wait to listen to a record that sounds like it has a YMCA-inspired take on Springsteen on the cover. That's probably my third or fourth favourite genre.

Darkness at 3AM: Scouting For Girls

Something hard to believe in the 3AM column isn't that unusual. But surely this is going a little too far?:

Scouting For Girls perform best gig of the year so far

That would be unlikely if it was one in the morning on January 1st.

Darkness at 3AM: Nadine Coyle gets a job offer

The 3AMies are excited this morning about Nadine Coyle adding something to the KitKat advert that's already on her on acting CV. She's vaguely being considered for a movie that doesn't exist:

Nadine Coyle, 24, is not just a big hit in the pop world. Our insider on Brit flick Shank (out tomorrow) says: "There's a real buzz about Nadine. Execs have asked about getting her involved in Shank 2."

Judging by the lukewarm reaction the film is getting, I suspect it might take more than getting Nadine onboard to make a Shank 2 happen. Perhaps Nadine needs to ask Nestle if they need her for anything else.

Darkness at 3AM: Liam explains it all

The Mirror's gossip team whisks us back to the Brits:

Liam Gallagher has finally explained why he snubbed brother Noel in his Brits acceptance speech when Oasis walked off with Best Album.

There was a mystery about that? I thought we all knew he was a petulant, drunken cock?

The Oasis frontman turned fashion designer says: "I was fed up of it all being about me and Noel. I wanted to thank the other members of the band." And about time too.

Well, I suppose it's nice to see the grunts in the engine room sticking together.

Darkness at 3AM: More Jacko money-making

Outrage over at the Mirror this morning, as Clemmie Moodie reports on an auction:

The syringe that administered the fatal drugs to Michael Jackson is set to be auctioned.

To be honest, you'd have thought the guy who tried to buy John Merrick's bones would have put a bid in himself for something like that. But it is, naturally, sick and wrong:

The needle is being touted around auction houses in Vegas with a price of up to $5million (£3.3million).

Psst, Clemmie: although eBay auctions have 'buy it now' prices, actual auctions don't have 'prices' - that's what the auction decides.

It was obtained secretly and could go under the hammer on June 25 - the first anniversary of the 50-year old singer's death in Los Angeles.

Well, it's either that, or a Janet and Mariah duet to mark the day. The syringe sounds a lot more attractive in that light.

Naturally, this isn't just idle speculation. There's an unnamed insider, too:

A source said: "This is one of the sickest lots ever put up. The syringe is no longer needed in the inquest or in murray's forthcoming trial but the moral implications don't bear thinking about.

What exactly does that mean - "the moral implications don't bear thinking about"? What, exactly, are the moral implications? I can see how it might be a bit grisly, and even immoral. But implications? Will you have to murder 200 heroin users in order to auction one Jackson syringe? Is there a suggestion that the selling of the item might lead to an act of good? Because without that, I don't think we're going to need to disinter Bertrand Russell to sort out the moral questions here.

Still, it's a good, solid story you've got there, Clemmie.

"The guy who has possession of the needle has been in meetings with his legal team, making sure it is legitimate and his to sell. The plan is to flog it for up to $5million in a big Vegas casino but he's been told he may have to sell it somewhere that doesn't have 'reciprocal legal agreements with the United States', such as Brazil or even Libya."

Oh. So 'sold for five million on the day of his death in LA' might be 'desperatly hawked around Libya's auction houses, even assuming it turns out that someone has got the right to sell it. Oh. And who wouldn't happily fork out five million bucks through an auction house chosen because precisely it's beyond the reach of American law, eh?

Owen meanies: Mark Owen asks if he's being sorry enough

This morning's reports about Mark Owen's human failings leave a nasty taste in the mouth, with the "confession" in the Sun having all the hallmarks of a vaguely famous person reluctantly washing their dirty laundry in public to head off the paper from parading the skidded knickers for all to see.

"I have been living with the guilt. It has always been there - you carry it around with you," he said.

"It held me back in my relationship with Emma. I wouldn't have done any of this if I had my time again.

"I am halfway through my life now and this, in a way, is a lesson. You've got to learn and that's what I am going to do."

It's not entirely clear what the lesson is - although 'if you want to sound heartfelt, don't let your press office draft your apologies' might be a good one - but at least the story seeped out in a controlled way. You know, the way BNFL used to control the radioactive water they'd pump into the Irish Sea.

Over at the Mirror, without the actual apology to run with, the 3AMies fall back on listing

Mark Owen, Tiger Woods, Vanessa Hudgens and the top 10 not so squeaky clean stars

Top of the list is Britney Spears for, erm, being mentally ill. Classy, 3AM Girls. Classy.

Darkness at 3AM: Lady GaGa behaves oddly

The 3AM Girls are confusing Susan Boyle and Lady GaGa:

Lady GaGa's "weird" behaviour at photoshoot increases speculation she is finding life in the spotlight difficult to deal with

Lafdy GaGa behaving oddly? Oh, yes, that's totally out of character.

Darkness at 3AM: Ripped from the headlines

Trinity Mirror are trying to drive traffic to their sites by only offering a summary of content in their RSS feeds. The hope is, to see the whole story, you'll click through from your reader to the site, and read it with the adverts surrounding it.

Tip: For this to work, you might not want to put the entire story into the headline.

Also: they didn't mention Susan Boyle. It's a snub, I tell you, a snub.