Peter Andre sets up a table in a shopping centre

Poor Peter Andre. Once he bestrode the world like a giant. Now, he doesn't even quite run to an in-store appearance. Instead, he's reduced to setting up a trestle table in the middle of a shopping street:

intu Milton Keynes has confirmed that celebrity, Peter Andre will be signing copies of his new album, ‘Big Night’ in the Shopping Centre on Tuesday.

He will be located between Hollister and Barclays from 2pm until 4pm.

They say "Intu Miltom Keynes"; they mean the Midsummer Arcade. Nobody is ever going to call it Intu.

This is odd as well:

Shoppers must pre purchase a copy of his album before having it signed, a proof of purchase will be required.

Eh? Given he's not in a record shop, why a proof of purchase? Are they afraid Andre is going to lead to a spate of shoplifting from HMV if they don't demand to see a receipt?

Shocking news from East Grinstead

Oh no!

Yes, there are "For Sale" signs outside Peter Andre's house, and East Grinstead is in pre-emptive mourning:

The news will undoubtedly come as a shock to the pop star's legion of fans who had grown used to spotting him in and around the town.

Strictly speaking, Andre lives in Dormansland, which isn't even in the same county. But given that he's not bothered the Top Ten since 2009, Andre's not really a pop star, either.

I know you'll have been worrying...

"How has Peter Andre out of ITV2's Peter Andre Walks Around A Bit reacted to the news that JLS are splitting?"

That's the question that keeps me awake at night, and I'm sure you've felt it too. Police estimate that seventy-four per cent of road accidents this last week have been caused by drowsy drivers, who had spent the night awake wondering.

Wonder no more, for Andre has broken his silence:

Writing in his new! magazine column, he said: ''I'm sad that JLS have split up, but I can understand why they wanted to go out on a high.

You have a connection with the boys, don't you, Pete?

''I'm good mates with all the lads from JLS and want to wish them the best of luck. Marvin Humes even invited me to his and Rochelle's wedding last year, but I couldn't go. I was gutted!''

That wasn't the one I was thinking of.

Peter added: ''Oritse Williams is now being managed by Claire Powell, who manages me, and I know she's got lots of exciting stuff lined up for him. Being under the same management means we'll probably get to hang out lots, which I'm looking forward to.''

I'm sure you'll be hanging out loads and loads. Although, frankly, Claire's thinking of buying a tumble drier, so it's more likely you'll be putting Ortise's laundry into a machine. But still, exciting times, eh?

Peter Andre, wash your hands

Remember Peter Andre's cafe that he opened up in East Ginstead a while back? It's had a pretty unimpressed reaction from Mid Sussex District Council who came to see how clean it was. The East Grinstead Courier and Observer reports:

Danny Andre – Peter's brother – said everything is now up to scratch.

"Everything is spotless in there," he told the Courier & Observer.

"It always has been. It was just a couple of things, that got rectified the same afternoon."

Hmmm. The coffee shop scored just one star out of a possible five - which under the rules means "major improvement necessary" - hardly the sort of thing you could "rectify" the same afternoon.

Andre's puppetmasters didn't seem to have got the 'pretend it's a couple of things' memo:

Gemma Wheatley, from Peter Andre's management company, said: "It was nothing to do with any problems with dirtiness or cleanliness, it was purely mechanical.

"They asked us to put cladding around the back of the tiles and the sink was in the wrong place."

Is moving a sink something you can rectify in an afternoon?

Anyway, everyone's certain that the next time round they'll get a four or a five.

Gordon in the morning: On the brink

Yes, yes, the failure of the Democrats and Republicans to come to an agreement on the US budget ceiling is worrying, but as nothing compared to the threat to something more fundamental to our civilisation: The next series of Pete Andre Wanders About Mugging To Camera While ITV Desperately Hopes He Says Something About Jordan. Gordon's colleague Colin Robertson has a steadying drink and brings us the latest:

PETER Andre was last night ready to pull the plug on his TV show after a split in his management company.

The singer is due to start filming scenes for fly-on-the-wall ITV2 documentary The Next Chapter in the next three weeks.

But insiders say he's reluctant to start work with the two sides at war.

Although this isn't a "war", just a tiresome spat between the people who run Can Management - think Gepetto with a grudge against literacy. Still, it's guaranteed that the behind the scenes bad blood will be a thousand times more interesting than anything that might wind up on screen. I wonder if the BBC could dust down Blood On The Carpet for a special episode?

Gordon in the morning: Keeping up

Gordon seems to have missed an interesting little story this morning in his haste to copy out Peter Andre's New magazine column.

Andre suffers a lack of understanding: having heard about Robbie Williams' testosterone injections, he can only assume this is about erectile dysfunction:

Singer Peter said: "Rob, I've got one word of advice - Viagra. I tried it when it first came out and it was hilarious."

In the UK, at least, Viagra is only legally available with a prescription, so it's possible that Andre is confessing to having obtained prescription medication illegally.

Maybe it was prescribed - but Andre is quick to make it clear he doesn't have problems:

He insisted in his new! magazine column that he had not taken Viagra for any trouble having sex.

To be fair to Andre, he did spend some time in Cyprus after his first career failed (older readers might dimly recall he used to be a pop singer before he became... whatever it is he does now) and Cypriot law does allow over-the-counter purchase of the drug, but even so, at the very least, Andre and New! magazine do seem to be advocating the use of prescription drugs without the prescription.

Curious.

Equally curious is this bit of the story:

The reality TV star offered his advice after The Sun revealed Take That singer Robbie, married to Ayda Field, was having the jabs to boost sagging energy levels.

Gordon seems to have totally forgotten that "The Sun" did not "reveal" anything; it merely copied the story out of Esquire.

Andre dumps his Costa chums

Last year, Costa coffee spent a lot of money getting Peter Andre to promote its coffee, complete with the clause:

"3am online, under all circumstances, must accompany the photographs of Peter Andre with positive text/captions/headings"

That's CAN Associates, making sure that everyone gets value for money. That Peter Andre is promoting the brand shouldn't be used to mock the brand.

So, Peter Andre really likes Costa Coffee, right?

Actually, no: he's opening up his own coffee shop.

So newspapers can't print anything negative about Andre promoting Costa, but he's fine to nip off and open up his own competition, implying he believes that even he can do better. Isn't PR wonderful?

I wonder if Costa can get a refund?

PRS spend more of artists' money on pointless survey

PRS For Music have shown once again their dedication to ensuring the royalties they collect don't get pissed away before reaching their members by commissioning another poll calculating the "hardest working artist".

It's a heartbreaking list:

1. Peter Andre
2. Status Quo
3. JLS
4. Westlife
5. Rod Stewart

It's based on how many dates they played during 2010 and the number of braying idiots who went along, but also forms a handy chart which could be used to argue persuasively that music should probably be switched off now as it's all too horrible to contemplate.

PRS also produced a chart for bands playing smaller venues, which implies that playing a theatre rather than an arena requires less hard work somehow. The top three:

1. Example
2. Ellie Goulding
3. Tinie Tempah

From this, you can ascertain that people who hold down day jobs, play three gigs over a weekend and rehearse every evening aren't considered to be hard working at all by the PRS, but I'm guessing that nearly all hard-working artists would rather the money spent on producing the chart would have been given to the people who actually earned it.

Peter Andre: The downward spiral

Excitement from Thorpe Park in an announcement less than a month ago:

Thorpe Park have announced that Peter Andre will be performing LIVE at Thorpe Park on 23rd May 2010, he will be joined by 'X Factor sensation Lucie Jones' and Flawless will be heading back to the park to show off more of their legendary dance moves!

Tickets are available from £28 on the Thorpe Park Website by Clicking Here, along with seeing your favourite stars perform, ticket holders will get 1 hour ERT (Extended Ride Time) on the parks most thrilling attractions, Saw - The Ride, Stealth, Colossus and Nemesis Inferno!

Even more excitement this morning:

Peter Andre tickets now just £12

That's some quite serious deep discounting. Peter Andre seems to be caught in his own personal nemesis inferno.

Cruel headlines: Peter Andre

ContactMusic with a headline that's all punchline:

Peter Andre Planning Picture Book

The rest writes itself.

Darkness at 3AM: Ripped from the headlines

Trinity Mirror are trying to drive traffic to their sites by only offering a summary of content in their RSS feeds. The hope is, to see the whole story, you'll click through from your reader to the site, and read it with the adverts surrounding it.

Tip: For this to work, you might not want to put the entire story into the headline.

Also: they didn't mention Susan Boyle. It's a snub, I tell you, a snub.

Gennaro Castaldo Watch: Peter Andre's payday

Who knew that bankers' earnings could end up looking quite reasonable in comparison? It turns out that Peter Andre - a man who doesn't actually possess a box to keep a talent in, much less have anything to put in such a box - is expecting to earn five million quid next year.

Who can make sense of such a bemusing situation? Step forward HMV Vacuous Sack expert, Gennaro Castaldo:

HMV spokesman Gennaro Castaldo ­added: “His star appears very much in the ascendancy again while sales of Katie Price merchandise would appear to be down.”

Yeah. Even Gennaro can't really explain why, can he?

Gordon In The Morning: ITV attempt to cross-breed franchises

Talking of the I'm A Celebrity juggernaut, surely the luckiest recipient of a slot on that programme must be Peter Andre? Before, he was a failed pop star with nothing of value to offer the world; ever since, he's been able to charge for being a failed pop star with nothing of value to offer the world.

According to Gordon this morning, he's dating Alexandra Burke. Or, as they're saying in the ITV press office, attempting to pull down synergy between The X Factor and The ITV2 Reality Circus.

Gordon insists Andre is "smitten". Although if he's been wandering about in a daydream with a silly simper on his face, it's hard to see how you could tell the difference from his normal demeanour.

Andre is plannning to cook for Burke:

Pete told a friend: "I think she's really cool. She's seriously hot and once I've cooked for her, she won't be able to resist."

Let's hope Pete's comfort with something being cool and hot simultaneously doesn't influence the way he cooks the fish fingers, then.

If you're in any doubt at all that this is just a publicity-churning piece of cynicism, wait until you get to the end:

The pair have even discussed recording a track together.

A pal of Pete's told The Sun: "Alex was the one who broke the ice first. She was really complimentary about Pete's album."

How? How can anyone seriously be complimentary about Pete's album? "The download time didn't look as if it'd be too heavy"? "They haven't chosen a picture of you and Jordan for the sleeve, which is classy"? "

Peter Andre: what exactly was your job description?

I'll be honest, I'd thought that Peter Andre was clearly tagged as "former minor singer" as far as a career goes, but it turns out that's rather outdated of me:

[Talking to the Edinburgh TV festival] he said he had no misgivings about subjecting his marriage to the media spotlight. "I couldn't regret it – it's your job, and there'll be bits of your job you don't like."

Being filmed married to Jordan was your job? What the hell did you have written on your passport under 'occupation', exactly?

Peter Andre reaches the stage of sitting by the door looking sad

Obviously, there is no real dignity to be lost in the affair of Peter Andre and Jordan, but dignity-like substance that Andre has been clinging to - you know, the one where he screamed at the mother of his children through the medium of Star magazine; that substance - seems to have evaporated:

Peter Andre is releasing a cookery book of "meals for one".

Rumours that his next single will feature the sound of a fork popping through cellophane and the lonely ting of a microwave announcing the slight overcooking of a reclaimed chicken product in some sort of sauce are almost certainly going to prove to be true.

Darkness at 3AM: It is always 3AM now

The desperate attempt by the Daily Mirror to spin the 3AM column into Britain's answer to TMZ has had its on switch flicked. Understandably, they've only soft-launched; there was no big fuss. It's not like this is the launch of a new computermybob for comparethemeerkat or anything.

So, what's it like? It's written by someone who speaks Imperial Period Smash Hits, but only as a second language:

Like duh, you need to log in.

It has all the veracity of those black-and-white movies from the late 60s where elderly scriptwriters tried to write in youth argot. Like having a section called "chinny reck-on", you can see what they're trying to do but in a bid to give the site a personality, they've fallen short. Instead they've given the site a comedy jumper and a repertoire of silly voices.

But what of the content?

A headline boldly announces this picture of Posh demands to be analysed to death. It's a picture of Posh with a hat, carrying a teddy bear and walking one of her kids through an airport.

The 3AM team then, indeed, does analyse the picture, working through seven possibilities, of which this is the least weak:

5. That's not a teddy bear, that's David. She bought a book of love spells and turned him into a toy so that he can never leave her.

To be fair, they do come up with this possibility:

3. She's just a mum, like any other mum, going about her mumsy business, and we should give the poor woman a break and stop tearing apart her every movement.

But they never got to point eight, which I'm betting would surely have been "as a newspaper site and thus working under the rules of the Press Complaint Commissions, this picture appears to feature a child simply because his parents are famous, and as such shouldn't have been published, so perhaps Victoria is trying to avoid drawing attention to herself in order to save ourselves from once again showing certain parts of the UK newspaper industry can't be trusted with the concept of self-regulation."

Elsewhere, there's this cheerful opening to a story:

Since we know that Peter Andre is a fan of our site, we think it's only fair that we write stories that will make him chuckle. The latest bad PR for his dear lady ex-wife is that she's been accused of threatening to run over a young fan with her ridiculous pink horse box.

Ah, yes, what could possibly be more chucklesome than the mother of your children being accused of threatening to run people over? Let's hope the 3AM team start writing a sitcom soon.

One last jarring note: the stories don't have links to "read the full story". It says "Care? Read on."

Woot-ton: Andre nother thing...

Katie Price - a woman whose career seems to be based entirely on charging people for a look up her shirt - is going to "ruin" Peter Andre out of some sort of need for revenge.

Ruining Peter Andre? Isn't that a bit like trying to force a Mini Metro off the road? You could put in the effort, but frankly it's going to topple over under its own steam before too long.

This is all revealed in a big interview with the News Of The World, which Dan Wootton has been allowed to help out with, which is nice. James Deesborough was also on hand, too. Somewhat oddly, despite this double-handed interview team, the report still falls back to having to quote things that Jordan supposedly told "a pal" and "a source close to Jordan". Two of the finest typists the News of the World have to offer nab an exclusive interview, and still have to pad it out with unsubstantiated tattle? No wonder Little Murdoch and his Poppa worried about the bottom line at the paper.

Still, the twin strikers do manage to get this out of the woman:

FURIOUS Jordan last night revealed the bitter truth that made her life with Peter Andre hell, admitting: "I lived a lie for five years."

So, Jordan's brilliant plan for bringing down Andre is to, erm, tell everyone that the churning programmes she's been knocking out for ITV for the last half-decade have just been full of old bollocks she's been feeding them. Thank god she doesn't have to plot her own books.

Peter Andre has a big payday

Of course, it's a bit of a shame that Peter Andre is still relying on his connection with Jordan to make a few bob, but he seems delighted to accept "substantial" damages from the Sunday People:

Peter Andre accepted substantial undisclosed libel damages from the People newspaper in the high court today over a false claim that he made inappropriate sexual advances to a woman who looked like his estranged wife Katie Price.
[...]
Speaking outside the high court today, Andre said he was "pleased" the People had accepted that the story was "untrue and hurtful".

Yes. What could be more hurtful than being accused in public of being the sort of man who would have sex with a woman who looked like Jordan?

Oh... no, hang on:

"I have never been unfaithful to my wife – not with this girl, or any other girl," he added. "This story has led to a lot of speculation about whether I was faithful to my estranged wife which even led her to mention it on a breakfast television show last week.

"If anyone slanders my name I will not hesitate in taking action against them. Now, hopefully, this will bring these rumours and lies to an end and let me move on with my life."

Interesting. So Andre will take action against anyone who slanders his name. And this story is libelous - as shown by this legal action. And Jordan repeated in on a broadcast programme. So... presumably Andre will be bringing a libel action against his own wife now?

Gordon in the morning: Time on her hands

That's the trouble with divorce, isn't it? It's not the couple, it's innocent people who get hurt.

Jordan is relaunching her pop career.

I say relaunching - it's more "diving in an attempt to see if there's anything to salvage following the sinking of her last attempt".

Gordon reports that she's signed up with "David Bowie's management" - although it's The Outside Organisation, who are media managers rather than traditional music industry management. They're also responsible, for instance, for the Digital Spy Reality TV Awards and Tim Kash.

Sadly, Gordon has decided against getting his team to mock up a picture of Jordan made to look like Kash, and has instead gone with a picture of her looking like Aladdin Sane.

Smart warns us to expect a "chart battle" between her and Andre by the end of the year.

[Flash forward to December, as a record label guy shows Andre some paperwork - "This chart shows you that 87% of your CDs were returned unsold... and this chart shows that 96% of hers were..."]

Peter Andre considers buying a house

It's based on tabloid stories, so might have no truth in it whatsoever, but Peter Andre is apparently considering buying a house worth nearly two million quid.

To be fair, some of that money he did make through his music 'career' - almost three of the bricks were covered by royalties.