Woot-ton: Dan takes a nuanced position

These days, you'll be aware, Dan Wootton, once of the News Of The World is now sitting in Gordon Smart's old chair at Bizarre.

He's really keen that people keep things classy:

Stephanie has now plummeted in my opinion again, calling the boyfriend she cheated on a "knob head". No class. Poor @SamReece #CBB

— Dan Wootton (@danwootton) February 4, 2016

Perhaps Dan could show us one conducts themselves with his required degree of class?

Well that went well pic.twitter.com/6wK6Nafu7Q

— Peter Robinson (@Popjustice) February 3, 2016

Gordon in the gloaming: Smart career move

Bad news for fans of Kasabian minutiae, odd promotions for golf computer games and the overuse of the word "bangers": Gordon Smart is stepping down as King Of Bizarre.

He's going to Scotland to edit the Scottish edition of The Sun. Dan Wootton, from the News Of The W... sorry, Sun On Sunday, will take over editorship of showbiz, and if the Bizarre column retains its 1980s name and remit, someone as-yet-unnamed will take over.

Will we never again get to hear about that wrestling sitcom pilot?

Woot-ton: Dan returns to News Of The World, replaces Gordon Smart

Not that The Sun On Sunday is really the News Of The World or anything, but the title The Sun supposedly isn't keeps breaking through the carapace.

Dan Wooton's useless News Of The World showbiz column is returning to its old home.

Up until now, Gordon Smart had been offering up a seventh slice of Bizarre in the Sun Of The World; but it seems David Dinsmore has decided that Sunday readers deserved something a bit more meaty.

Dan Wootton had been showbiz editor of the News Of The World when it pretended to close following revelations of just how vague its grip of ethics was.

Bookmarks: Whitney Houston

There is an awful lot of Whitney Houston related postings going up on the internet at the moment, as you'd expect. The one that I'd recommend you read is from Eve Barlow on how within moments, Houston's death became another chance for people to talk about themselves:

On the other end of the enormoknob scale came the one and only Dan Wootton, who tweeted “Whitney Houston death is CONFIRMED. This is NOT a Twitter hoax. Only 49-years-old” and immediately updated his Twitter profile picture to an image of Me And My Mate Whitney. Well, indeed. Except if she was your friend, Mr Wootton, perhaps you would have been up to speed with her birthdays and not got her age wrong. Whoops. “My job as a showbiz reporter involves reporting and providing tributes at these very sad times. I hope people can understand that,” Dan tweeted after his live feed on Sky. Loud and clear, Dan. Let’s just report accurately, yeah?

Woot-ton: Struggling to cope with large events

If you thought that one of the few glimmers of comfort in the death of Amy Winehouse was that the News Of The World was no longer around to "react", there's still Dan Wootton to cope with.

A quick look at his twitter feed shows a little foot being stamped that broadcasters were still leading the news with the Neo-Nazi terrorism in Norway:

I agree RT @jamesro47: Terribly depressing news about amy winehouse and utterly remarkable neither itv or bbc bulletins lead on it

Winehouse's death was a horrible event (and one covered in some depth, certainly by the BBC) but thinking it should be the lead story over the near hundred deaths in Norway shows a lack of perspective that perhaps shouldn't surprise us.

Wooton got some stick, as a few minutes later, he tweeted this:

Wish we could debate the news agenda without personal abuse. People are allowed to express their opinions on what should lead the news.

Waaah! Not fair! Stop picking on me!

Although Wootton had got some personal abuse - people helpfully pointing out he's a bellend and a total clown, that sort of thing - most of it was just angry.

Like the tweet from @Im_MelanieMouse:

@danwootton quite frankly with that opinion you shouldn't be allowed to work in the news industry. You are a disgrace to real journalists.

Wootton didn't actually manage to put together a counter-argument (mainly because there isn't one) so instead decided to show that he actually understands the news industry even less than we thought:

@j4ylw Well Sky News did. And the BBC News Channel for a period

Apparently Dan doesn't understand the difference between a channel covering breaking news, and a bulletin collecting the main stories of the day for a general audience.

To make matters worse, Sky decided that Dan would be the best person to review the papers this morning.

Yes, Sky News wound up with Dan Wootton trying to offer a view about the Norway shootings. To be frank, he wouldn't have been first choice if the news had only been about Amy Winehouse.

How dreadful was it? Believe it or not, it was so bad that Gordon Smart took to Twitter to berate Dan:

@danwootton "I" "I" "I" "I" , "I've been on a flight when tragedy happened", "I got stick on Twitter" - FFS!! 92 dead and Amy gone? Mawkish

Dan responded:

@gordonsmart Know you struggle with hard news. Get back to Kasabian and Noel ass kissing.

Again, you'll note, he doesn't have an argument as such.

Gordon Smart again:

@danwootton how's that campaign to get Blue back on the radio going? Is it really a former showbiz ed's job to be on discussing a massacre?

Wotton tried a response:

@gordonsmart Yes yes I know you hate pop music. Weird given you edit a pop column. Think that was Sky News' decision, not mine.

You know you're in trouble when Gordon Smart is able to drop on you from the moral high ground. For Wootton to blame Sky News for asking him in the first place is weak - yes, a terrible decision from The House Of Burley but, particularly after Twitter had given you a slapping for your weak judgement on the two stories, you perhaps should have declined gracefully. Just because you're invited on to a programme doesn't mean you're obliged to go.

[Thanks to readyartbrut for the tip]

Woot-gone: The News Of The World vanishes

As the Screws slithers out its last issue, time for a quick look back. There was a time when I'd pick up on the bigger music-y stories from their pages on a Sunday, but you'll have noticed that started to fade away shortly after Dan Wootton took over from Rav Singh.

This was mainly because, while Singh was a comic creation, Wootton managed to run stories that weren't interesting of themselves. Nor was his stuff presented in a way that - unlike, say, Gordon Smart's work, to take a random example - had enough personality to be worth commenting about.

In effect, Wootton's entire clippings book consists of "I really like one of The Saturday's shoes and she really likes me telling her that I like her shoes" over and over again.

You can catch up with his farewell on the digital version of the paper, where Dan sees it somehow differently:

Naughty celebrities of Britain, you can breathe a sigh of relief as I sign off today

Dan then lists his "top ten scoops". Shall we take a look?

Cue the Pick Of The Pops music, please.

10. Alex Reid claiming he was pushed to suicide by Jordan
Dan remains completely unaware that the various Jordan love triangles are, on a scale of fiction that runs from Newsnight to Doctor Who, somewhere close to Torchwood.

9. Noel Fielding revealing he took drugs
To which the world went "what? the man with the crazy eyes, funny laugh and the cloak took drugs, like nearly everyone else in his generation? Really?"

8. The slightly less illiterate two of N-Dubz have had sex together
"Fans didn't want to believe it" claims Dan. Yeah, they're all in denial like it never happened.

7. Susan Boyle's suicide hell
Dan is proud of getting Susan Boyle to open up about how she nearly offed herself when she was a teenager. He dates this report as "October 2010". What else happened to Susan Boyle in October 2010? Oh, that's right, she released her autobiography which had the same story in it. So Dan's "scoop" was, erm, a plug for a book.

6. The Royal Wedding Party
"I was the only showbiz columnist to take you inside Kate and Will's post-wedding party. It was WILD!" shouts Dan.

Really? Let's see how wild:

One highlight of the night came when [the DJ] played The Beatles' classic All You Need Is Love. One guest explained: "The song begins with a royal trumpet fanfare so all the guests gathered round William and Kate. During the fade-out The Beatles sing the famous chorus of She Loves You.

"At this point the DJ faded out the music and the guests started chanting, 'She loves you, yeah, yeah, yeah!' It was a very special moment. I had goosebumps."

Yes. That was wild.

5. Duncan James and Pink announce bisexuality
What Dan fails to mention is that Pink says that she never told any such thing to Dan and that the claim he printed was "made up".

4. Charlotte and Gavin split
This one makes me feel a bit sorry for Dan; the fourth-greatest thing he did at the News Of The World is a story that most people will struggle to remember ever having happened.

3. Dannii quits the X Factor
A SENSATION it was, when yet another judge on a rotating panel of judges quit. Or joined. Or quit and came back two weeks later. Still, it's not like Wootton basically relies on the X Factor circus to keep his page filled with large photos and words...

2. Cheryl moves back in with Ashley Cole
... Or maybe it is. Is this one even strictly true? Even Wootton's original story just said "spends the night in the same house as". Splendidly, Wootton is so used to misrepresenting people he can't even quote himself in a straight way.

1. Stephen Gateley dead
Fair enough, this is a proper scoop. Although it was just lucky for Dan that Gateley died on a Saturday, with enough time for a 2am change to the last edition of the News Of The World. In effect, then, Dan is most proud that the timing of young man's life being snuffed out happened to fit in with his paper's print schedule. Unless Wootton believes that the story would have remained unreported until the next edition, it's hard to see what he's proud of here.

Woot-ton: Something someone said about Ronan

A couple of weeks back, the New York Times printed a letter of complaint from the News Of The World's managing editor Bill Akass. Responding to the Times' story about Andy Coulson and his team phonehacking their way through the great and the good, Akass snorted out this paragraph of disgust:

Sources: In the days prior to publication the Standards Editor Phil Corbett wrote to all staff reminding them of the NYT’s ethical guidelines with regards to anonymous sources. We were surprised therefore to see the finished article was based almost entirely on anonymous sources – a “dozen former reporters”- whose credibility, seniority, motives or qualifications we are therefore prevented from challenging. The article also cites anonymous “detectives” and “prosecutors”.

There was one single named source who claimed direct knowledge of wrongdoing, as opposed to hearsay or supposition. This is pretty thin evidence on which to hang a 6,000 word investigation. I believe that by failing to adhere to their own stringent rules when dealing with the News of the World story, the NYT’s reporters and editors demonstrated clear bias.

So, running stories with only one named source is bad. It's worse than bad, it's unethical.

Hmm. There's a bit in Dan Wootton's column about Natalie Imbruglia standing in for Keith Duffy on a Boyzone tour (a bit like using champagne instead of root beer in an ice cream float) and that is sourced. But then there's a totally separate story about Ronan Keating:

Ronan, who is already battling for his marriage to YVONNE, is also struggling to cope as the anniversary of Steo's death on October 10 looms.

A source said: "The memory of Stephen's death is flooding back to Ronan. They were very close, like brothers, and Ronan has been going through a rocky patch."

And on and on runs the quote. From an unnamed source. "[W]hose credibility, seniority, motives or qualifications we are therefore prevented from challenging."

Woot-ton: The Prince and the showman

Prince William turned up at the Radio One Roadshow last weekend, it turns out, and Dan Wootton was there to see it.

Well, not actually there, but someone told him all about it, anyway:

I'm told he couldn't wait to throw his hands in the heir when Dizz performed. Watching from the side of the stage, Wills was certainly a posh Boy In Da Corner. But the polo-playing Prince also proved he wasn't Snoot Dog as he rapped along to EVERY word of his hero's song.

The polo-playing Prince? Because, presumably, being a prince isn't enough to suggest an air of wealth and privilege. William might have been, you know, one of those urban princes, and then the supposed craziness of a rich person knowing a song by a black person wouldn't be thrown into anything like enough relief, would it?

Woot-ton: An exclusive Lee Ryan exclusive

However does Dan Wootton do it? He's only gone and managed to land an exclusive interview with Lee Ryan. I'll bet old Larry King is tearing strips off his researchers for having missed that one:

He's a top guy because, unlike many stars, he says exactly what he thinks - even if it means hitting out at a legend like GEORGE MICHAEL (most singers wouldn't dare). Lee said: "I actually had a song from George Michael called Medicine Man. He took it off me at the last minute. Thanks George, you wanker!"

It's not really being brave if you're not really capable of understanding the consequences of your actions, is it?

And, frankly, "George Michael thought that giving me one of his weaker songs would be a waste" isn't that great a claim, if you stop to think about it.

It's like a newsagents putting up a poster bragging "Cadburys wouldn't even let us sell their mis-shapes."

Still, there is some good news:

Lee also revealed the Blue reunion is on hold. "There were some issues with the label," he said.

Yes, there must have been. What with the world slapping a label on the plans that read "desperate, pointless and unwanted".

Woot-ton: Doesn't Amy go bi every three months or so?

Even the News Of The World's Dan Wootton can't really work up any surprise over Amy Winehouse muttering that she sometimes likes girls:

I think we all had our suspicions

Actually, Dan, I'm pretty sure I've read this story about sixteen times before anyway.

Still, Dan runs it like we're going to grab the arms of our chairs and shriek 'never! never!' but, really, it's a bit like holding space over to reveal that Brett Anderson needs a belt to keep his trousers up.

Woot-ton: JLS can't take the attention

The non-stories underlining how utterly fantastic JLS are seem to have started to dry up in the Sun, so they're now punting them to the next tier down. A breathless Dan Wootton pants off:

Band studs MARVIN HUMES and ASTON MERRYGOLD are being forced to flee their luxury pad in London after being hounded with saucy propositions from female fans.

My insider revealed: "Aston and Marvin love living together but they're considering moving for security reasons."

The odd woman is stood in the street saying "lick my privates", and that's a security issue? Really?

Perhaps they should stop using Lynx. I'm given to understand this is a side-effect of that.

Woot-ton: Westlife introduce the splitless comeback

Dan Wootton is bloody thrilled to have an exclusive chat with Westlife this morning:

WESTLIFE launch their mega comeback on X Factor tonight and a certain Mr COWELL will be watching very closely.

Determined to knock TAKE THAT from their best band perch, he's personally overseen every aspect of the Irish lads' relaunch, even what threads they wear.

Megacomeback? Have they actually been away? Don't you have to at least pretend to go away before you can have a comeback? They even did the last bloody series of The X Factor, didn't they?

There's something of an air of self-delusion hanging over the entire project:

Nicky said: "Simon's competitive about it. We're his Take That. We don't want to be second best."

Woah, Nicky. Before you start aiming for second best, why not have a crack at trying to be the 39,647,323rd best?

Because you're not Simon Cowell's Take That. You're Louis Walsh's other Boyzone.

"For years when they were off the scene we had it all to ourselves. So we had to come back with a strong song.

"We were the grand-dads of pop. Now they're back we're the babies again."

It doesn't really work like that, does it? The return of Take That doesn't suddenly rejuvenate you, it just throws into ever stronger relief the painful, pedestrian, lack of life that characterises your music, boys.

Woot-ton: Kasabian/Oasis crossover episode

Dan Wootton has the sort of story that would make Gordon Smart explode down there, most likely:

NOEL GALLAGHER will definitely maybe return to gigging by joining KASABIAN on tour.

The Mancunian rock legend, 42, is desperate to get back on the road again just a month after OASIS split.

So he has turned to Kasabian and said: 'Maybe you're gonna be the ones who save me...' from being bored.

He's agreed to appear on their upcoming UK arena tour - which kicks off in Newcastle on November 10 - and they have given him the thumbs up.

Isn't this a bit like a former Tescos Chief Executive agreeing to help out in a branch of Poundland?

More to the point, is this really what's happening?

Tom Meighan has an "exclusive" chat with Daniel, and said this:

He told me: "We've got our arena tour in November.

"Noel will be calling us up nearer the time for sure saying, 'Lads, I'm going to come perform with you on tour'.

"He's a performing machine, and loves playing live so he jumps at the opportunity whenever he can join us."

That sounds more like Tom saying "yeah, I bet Noel will want to play with us" rather than "oh, yes, he's learning the tabs from... one of our songs..." from where I'm sitting.

Woot-ton: Andre nother thing...

Katie Price - a woman whose career seems to be based entirely on charging people for a look up her shirt - is going to "ruin" Peter Andre out of some sort of need for revenge.

Ruining Peter Andre? Isn't that a bit like trying to force a Mini Metro off the road? You could put in the effort, but frankly it's going to topple over under its own steam before too long.

This is all revealed in a big interview with the News Of The World, which Dan Wootton has been allowed to help out with, which is nice. James Deesborough was also on hand, too. Somewhat oddly, despite this double-handed interview team, the report still falls back to having to quote things that Jordan supposedly told "a pal" and "a source close to Jordan". Two of the finest typists the News of the World have to offer nab an exclusive interview, and still have to pad it out with unsubstantiated tattle? No wonder Little Murdoch and his Poppa worried about the bottom line at the paper.

Still, the twin strikers do manage to get this out of the woman:

FURIOUS Jordan last night revealed the bitter truth that made her life with Peter Andre hell, admitting: "I lived a lie for five years."

So, Jordan's brilliant plan for bringing down Andre is to, erm, tell everyone that the churning programmes she's been knocking out for ITV for the last half-decade have just been full of old bollocks she's been feeding them. Thank god she doesn't have to plot her own books.

Woot-ton: Actually, that's how Facebook works

FrankMusic has split up with Holly Valance, and Dan Wootton reveals its serious:

"I've deleted her off Facebook, I'm not making her album - I'm done with her now. One day she'll realise she was really flaky."

Wow. Deleted her off Facebook. That'll show her. Although given that she dumped you, she probably won't even notice. Unless she really needs 12 people to send the results of 'what kind of tree are you' to before she can get her own results.

Woot-ton: Dan actually has a story

Yes, Dan has some news. Proper news: There isn't going to be a Brighton beach gig for Fatboy Slim this year.

The trouble is, that's all there is to the story, really, so Dan is left trying to come up with some sort of joke to make it stretch:

Brighton would have been the biggest gig of the year for the DJ, real name Norman Cook.

So I doubt the 20,000 Big Beach Boutique fans are praising him.

Well, Dan was halfway there - he did manage to stretch the peice to a couple of extra lines, even if he couldn't really think of a joke.

Woot-ton: Who would fall for that?

Yes, Dan Wootton, Peaches Geldof may very well be kissing girls in front of the cameras in a bid to boost her profile, her ITV2 programme, and what we'll call her 'career'.

So if you're so cynical about it, why are you running a large picture about it, mentioning the programme, and raising her profile, helping to boost her career?

Woot-ton: It takes a village

Despite the terribly thin nature of Dan Wootton's Celeb XS, it's now apparently got two other chaps helping Dan fill it out. Simon Freeman and Simon 'presumably not the Simon Ward' Ward are helping Dan come up with stuff like this, on Victoria Beckham's acting aspirations:

She's clearly a Shakespeare fan if the name of her six-year-old son Romeo is anything to go by.

Ye-e-es. I'm not sure that 'the name of a child' is going to be much of an indication that she's going to be hoping for a crack at The Tempest.

Still, Dan and Simon and Simon have excelled themselves at getting their "art guys" to mock up how Beckham might look at acting:

Rupert Murdoch desperately wants to put quality like this behind a paywall, you know.

Kaisers deny being dumped

Dan Wootton was claiming in today's News Of The World that the Kaiser Chiefs have been dropped.

The Kaiser Chiefs have reassured their fans that it isn't the case, and once both of them were happy, they got in touch with the NME:

However, a spokesman for the band told NME.COM there is "no contractual change to report".

"The band has two records left to run on an existing contract," he said. "Kaiser Chiefs will take their first break in six years at the end of the summer. As with many successful artists, the band is considering creative options to improve the way their music reaches people ahead of their forth album."

To be fair, Wootton never quite claimed they'd been dropped, just merely that band and label were going their separate ways, and the PR statement sounds slightly woolly. Come to that, was the stress on "many" or "successful" in that second sentence?

Woot-ton: U2 make a liar out of Dan

If you have tax-exempt tears, prepare to shed them for Bono as Dan Wootton breaks the news that the band have run out of steam:

NOT such a beautiful day for seasoned rockers U2 - their latest single has become the lads' biggest flop in TWO DECADES . . . it didn't even make the Top 40!

Despite being the standout track on their new album, Magnificent had a chart performance that was anything but (sorry BONO).

It only managed to limp in to No 42 thanks to its paltry 5,157 copies being sold and downloaded.

He's apologised to Bono? Really?

Still, nobody is really surprised by the world not being interested in U2 singles in 2009, are they?

Well... except Dan, of course. What was it he was predicting back in February?

Magnificent will end up a No1 hit and yet another trademark U2 stadium anthem.

Perhaps Bono should apologise to Dan.