Gordon in the morning: Topical Olympic observation

To be fair to Tom Meighan, the Spice Girls part of the Olympics closing ceremony was pretty grim, but that was a while ago now:

“We were on tour during the Olympics but I saw some bits on telly. There were some horrifying bits, like The Spice Girls. That really didn’t do the place justice.

“That was the most horrifying bit. It was just horrible.

I think this makes Tom the first person to suggest that the Opening and Closing Ceremonies were somehow one horror after another.

But why is he talking about last summer right now? Oh, Kasabian have a booking:

“We’ll be the first band to play the park, so it’s great.”

There's your Olympic legacy for you. Right there.

Gordon in the morning: No flipping

A dispatch from Kasabian's US tour bus? With Gordon Smart's very own byline on it?

Surely this must be a deeply serious story. Brace yourselves, Britain:

WHAT is the most vital thing on Kasabian’s tour bus? The band’s instruments? Their supply of Pot Noodle snacks?

Neither. Frontman Tom Meighan explains: “The televison remote control is the most important thing. If that gets lost, everyone s**** it.

“I just watched Fargo this morning – bit of an intense film for that time of day.

“We’ve got satellite TV on the bus so we can watch footie on Fox Soccer.”

On Fox Soccer? I'm sure Meighan actually named the channel, as - since we know - Rupert Murdoch's newspapers do not push his other business interests. He said that on oath yesterday, and Rupert Murdoch would never tell a lie.

Obviously, Gordon wouldn't have snuck a little reference to one of News Corp's other businesses onto the page the very day after Murdoch had said that, because how would that help?

But: seriously - lost remote controls and 'what I watched on television'? I think Meighan would probably have judged that a little dull for his own Twitter stream, never mind a national sort-of-newspaper.

Kasabian think they're a bit like Radiohead

Tom Meighan, bless him, thinks Kasabian are a bit like Thom Yorke and friends:

We always try to reinvent ourselves in the way that a band like Radiohead would do. Or we come at things from another angle.

That's actually a little bit heartbreaking, isn't it? It's like a pacamac manufacturer revealing they're trying to be couture.

What would "coming at things from another angle" mean for Kasabian? Do they move the drums to a different part of the recording studio?

Surely the important thing about Radiohead is that they don't set out to sound like anyone else, or else make a different-sounding record for the sake of it? And isn't the failure to grasp that pretty much the reason why Kasabian will never be a band like Radiohead?

Gordon in the morning: Pushing the Panther

What, exactly, is the link between Gordon Smart and unbroadcast comedy pilot Walk Like A Panther? He seldom misses a chance to go on about it; yesterday he had Sean Pertwee on his XFM show and got him to talk about his role in the programme; this generated a story which has gone into the paper today:

KASABIAN frontman Tom Meighan was so nervous making his acting debut he was sick before filming.
Speaking on my Xfm show yesterday, Sean Pertwee, his co-star in new comedy drama Walk Like A Panther, said:

"You have to admire Tom. It was intimidating for him joining experienced actors on a film set. He was great though."

Smart gives an awful lot of time and space to a programme that hasn't even been picked up by a broadcaster, doesn't he?

The piece ends on this optimistic note:

To hear Smart On Sunday again, download the free podcast on iTunes.

"Again"?

Gordon in the morning: Incredibly, Hulk

What's this? Have ITV gone and commissioned another mismatched cop duo drama?

One's an out-there maverick who gets results with macrobiotics and wrestling the moves. The other is a suit from City Hall who has the digital skills to get a jump on the bad buys by hac... oh, hang on, it's not that. It's an awkward visit to The Sun headquarters.

Somewhat surprisingly, this is the lead story this morning. Great, I suppose, if you were ten years old in 1984 and somehow were still ten years old today; bemusing otherwise.

Smart does his best to try and make Hogan's visit relevant to 2012. I mean, he makes films, right? Or at least popped up in a Rocky movie. Surely he's got some gossip?

Sadly, he didn't have any Hollywood revelations of his own to share, except admitting he has a battery in his back to ease pain from all his injuries.

That's right: Gordon's big story this morning is that an old man has got a bad back.

That's not his hook, though: Gordon tries to turn this into a story about, erm, Karabian:

WRESTLING legend Hulk Hogan has a bone to pick with Kasabian after he rumbled the band checking into hotels under his name.

Hulk popped into Bizarre HQ for a chat and a game of darts yesterday. And he roared: "I heard about these guys. They have made a show about UK wrestling in the Eighties, called Walk Like A Panther.

"I know Rollerball Rocco, he's in it. He's my guy. I'll be his tag partner and sort them out for trashing hotel rooms under my name."

Hmmm. Really, Gordon? Did Hulk say that really? Or did you give him a bit of help? Because apart from a somewhat pre-emptive double page spread on the Walk Like A Panther pilot in Q, it sometimes looks like there's only one person in the world outside the production team who has heard of the unaired show. That's you, Gordon.

Gordon in the morning: Kasabian have some thinkings about 9/11

I suppose a band who cheerily use a killer's name as their brand will always have a different approach to death than other people, but Kasabian's use of September 11th as a promotional tool is a bit sickening, even by their standards. To be fair, the link is as much down to Gordon Smart as the band, as their Sun interview hammers home some sort of link to explain why the band might be playing a rooftop gig in New York on September 11th this year:

KASABIAN will play a poignant gig in New York — on the tenth anniversary of 9/11. And the timing of the show has made the Leicester lads think about how their lives have changed since that horrendous day in 2001.

Yes, Gordon and the boys are really just using the murder of 3,000 people as a staging post on their journey from unknown plod-rockers to fairly well known plod-rockers:

At the time the Twin Towers came down Tom and chief songwriter Serge Pizzorno were "grafting" for a living in Leicester. Serge helped out in his dad's garage and Tom drilled holes at a metalwork factory. Guitarist Serge says: "I was just helping out my old man, collecting parts and doing MOTs. Tom was working in fabrications, drilling. He used to come home black, man. He was so dirty. It used to take him 20 minutes to have a wash. blahblahblah hard work blahblahblah sweat of honest toil blahblah

Ah, yes. Tom was doing manual labour at the time. That kind of puts the collapse of the Twin Towers into some sort of perspective, right. But what about the attacks themselves? Surely the band must have something to say about those? If only to justify Gordon using them as background colour for yet another Kasabian interview?

Tom Meighan says: "It will be strange for us playing in the city on such a big weekend for New York people. It will be emotional. "I was at work and remember hearing 9/11 unfold on the radio. I remember going home and being in absolute shock. My mum had it on the news. It was f***ing awful."

"My mum had it on the news" doesn't really suggest much of an interest from Tom, does it? Still, "fucking awful" at least comes closer to capturing the horror than his colleague's reaction:

Serge adds: "Looking back to 9/11, I was at work. I went round Tom's on my way home. I'd always go in for a tea and I was sat watching it with his mum when Tom came home from work. "We were watching it in his front room. We were like everyone, thinking it was just mental."

"It was just mental". Why isn't this man regularly invited onto Newsnight to share his insights? "We watched it on the news. I remember, because the news was on and we looked at the pictures and listened to the words and that was what was happening", the pair continued. "Ten years on, it certainly remains something we saw happen on the news.

Gordon in the morning: Grunt and grapple

Tom from Kasabian has taken a part in a sitcom.

I know what you're thinking: a remake of Terry And June is long overdue, but this doesn't sound like it's going to be as good as that. Walk Like A Panther, set in 1970s wrestling world and - according to the NME :

He'll play a mentally-deranged doorman in the '70s-set comedy, Walk Like A Panther, with TV chef Marco Pierre White set for a cameo. There are rumours that Noel Gallagher may pop up on screen somewhere.

Where would they find someone foolish enough to invest in that creaking set-up?

The whole scenario sounds like an idea first chopped up on Serge Pizzorno's coffee table at 3am. Which is probably pretty much the measure of how it came about – Serge has bankrolled the whole thing.

Oh.

It's written by Dan Cadan, which the NME thinks is a guarantee of quality:

the full line-up reveals that things could be a far more promising affair – the script has been written by Lock, Stock And Two Smoking Barrels writer Dan Cadan

Oddly, IMDB does agree that Cadan has a credit on Lock Stock - but as "runner". By the time of Snatch, he was up to "assistant: Mr Ritchie". His writing credits prior to Panther runs to three movies - a rhyming tale about the devil, TV Movie Dancestar USA - which had Yoko Ono drift by - and Filth And Wisdom. He co-wrote that with Madonna. I'd totally forgotten "Madonna's directorial debut" even though I wrote about it at the time. More than once.

Anyway, where were we? Oh, yes, Tom Kasabian's new acting role in a sitcom written by the runner from Lock, Stock. Apparently Tom found it challenging. He told Q, and Gordon has copied it out, and now we'll copy it too:

"I loved it but I was s****ing myself first of all. When I was driving on set I was thinking, 'F*** f*** f***'. It was more nerve-racking than playing Glastonbury."

To be fair to Tom, doing something you might not be very good at in front of a crowd of people can be very nerve-wracking. So Glastonbury must be pretty scary.

But, fair play to the man, he does have a good gag up his sleeve:

"Kasabian and the music comes first. Having said that, if someone said they were remaking Labyrinth I'd be quite up for playing the part of the Goblin King."

See if Serge'll put his hands in his pockets, Tom.

Gordon in the morning: A-ha, mm-hmm

Presumably in preparation for the soon-come Alan Partridge web series, Steve Coogan left a message on Tom Kasabian's answerphone. In the character, Coogan berated Kasabian for using a Manson Family name as branding of their pudgerock band.

It confuses Gordon, who rather than filing downpage decides this is the big story today and tries to write it up as if Alan Partridge was real - presumably he culdn't get a web boffin to create a photo of him wearing an "I am in on the joke" t-shirt:

The failed TV presenter was probably calling from the Linton Travel Tavern, but the Kasabian lads shouldn't be too offended - there's no way he hates them as much as he does the pedestrianisation of Norwich city centre.

Ha ha ha, yes, and he probably had his hand in a turkey and had just shot someone because those are things he did on TV, too.

One other note: Smart attempts to defend Kasabian's choice of Linda Kasabian as a choice for a band name:

Linda Kasabian was an accomplice to Manson and his so-called "Manson Family" - a commune responsible for a string of murders in the late 1960s.

But she was also the key witness in a 1970 trial when Manson was convicted of killing nine people.

Well, yes. But she refused to say anything at all until she was given immunity from prosecution, so she literally got away with murder. Surprising to see The Sun treating her as if she was the good guy from the Manson family.

Gordon in the morning: Wedding dog's breakfast

The story might pretend that it's about how Kasabian had a party in a building also hosting two weddings, but really it's about Gordon trying to drop subtle hints that he'd gone to a party with Kasabian and Noel Gallagher.

Tom clocked the two weddings earlier in the day.

He said: "There's an Indian wedding and then another wedding. It's going to be insane when everyone finds each other in the building."

I can vouch for that.

I'm lost as to what Smart is vouching for - that Tom said this? (It must be strange for Gordon to actually confirm that a quote on his page is genuine.) Or that it was insane?

But what's insane about a place with lots of events rooms having them hired out simultaneously?

Naturally, like boorish louts, the Kasabian party assumed their day was more important than anyone else's:

The first few gatecrashing attempts didn't go well, with wedding guests complaining to hotel staff.

Can you imagine? Kasabian turning up trying to force their way into what otherwise would have been the happiest day of your life?

Smart claims that after people spotted the party, though, the polarity was reversed:

But then one of them spotted TOM MEIGHAN, SERGE PIZZORNO and OASIS legend Noel.

By which, of course, he means someone recognised Noel.

From that point on it was like a scene out of Wedding Crashers - but with the wedding guests trying to get into the Kasabian bash.

Do you know, while I can imagine a couple of people might have been interested, I reckon most of the guests would have stayed with their friends.

Kasabian: Internets ruined music

Why did rock music stop being sexy and underground and become so humdrum.

Here's a thought: Kasabian.

No, no: not that Kasabian ruined rock; I mean Kasabian have a theory. The NME has the details:

The outspoken frontman claims there are no iconic musicians left because artists reveal too much about themselves on blogging websites such as Twitter.

He said: "It's not like what it used to be like in rock 'n' roll. In the 60s and 70s you had the likes of David Bowie and Marc Bolan, and then in the 80s you even had shit acts that were rock stars. Then in the 90s you had the Britpop revival."

Yes, I think I remember the Britpop revival. That would have been when, erm, everyone harked back to the days of Britpop while they were still having.

You'll note that Meighan's theory manages to find no room for punk or new wave at all, and also seems to be lamenting an era when "shit acts" were treated as rock royalty. It's a bit like someone trying to form a viewpoint about 20th Century history without including the Second World War and trying to treat Vietnam as the sort of thing America really should be doing now.

Anyway, in the past it was all unlocked doors and smiling policemen, and now it's not. What went wrong, Tom?

"I think - especially in the last three or four years - the internet's taken a stranglehold and killed off the myth of the rock star now."

It's the internets! Of course. Only since about 2007, though.

"You know when you used to buy the records and there was the myth behind them?"

Yes, who can forget the complex myth-making of Britpop; the elaborately constructed backstory of Menswe@r, for example? It was like a Norse legend.

"There's too much on blogs now and I think it's killed it off. Nobody's surprised by an interview anymore or anything. It's quite tragic."

Well, nobody's ever surprised by anything in a Kasabian interview. Except if they were ever to say "actually, Hard Fi were miles better than us."

It doesn't seem to have occurred to Tom that the problem is not blogs and the internet, but more that rock has moved so far from the edges to the centre, and bands are pushed by their labels to make themselves so available. The supply is the problem, not so much the distribution.

Nor that, perhaps, the reason we don't have a Bowie now is that we're quite happy to settle for so much less. If we're giving prizes to Kasabian with a straight face, isn't that sign that - as a culture - we're getting the rubbish pop stars we deserve?

He also said blogging has taken away the spirit of rock 'n roll'. He told Bang Showbiz: "There are so many rock stars writing these self pitying blogs and it's not in the spirit of rock 'n' roll, it's like 'Wow, what rubbish'."

There is, naturally, a document which details exactly what behaviour is acceptable from rock and roll stars, and 'writing self-pitying blogs' is banned. Turns out 'sounding like you're seventy years old and waffling on as if you were Michael Parkinson about how rotten popular culture is' is fine, though.

Kasabian set their sights a little too high

Inspiration is always a good thing. Nice to have something to aim for. And so why should we all react with stifled giggles when NME announces where Kasabian's ambitions lay?

Kasabian have said their next album will draw on Nirvana and Pink Floyd as influences.

Apparently Serge has had a go at that RockStar game thingy and reckons that he's mastered the Cobain bloke doing the Bon Jovi song, so they're all set.

Seriously: Pink Floyd and Nirvana? Come on, you're struggling with sounding a bit like a Hard Fi tribute act. Ambition is great, but let's be a bit realistic.

"Sergio Pizzorno has got a body of songs that are sounding great," frontman Tom Meighan told BBC 6Music. "There’s one that sounds like Nirvana, which is really grungy, a big riff."

And... the Pink Floyd "influence"?

"It’s nothing like what we’ve done on this record, it’s really old school grunge. There’s a lot of Pink Floyd, 'Dark Side Of The Moon', piano-based songs at the minute."

Note the cautious use of the phrase "at the minute", as if aware that a back door must be left ajar to allow an embarrassed 'well, we took all of them off in the end' should the collective ear of the nation hear the record and say "wasn't there meant to be some Pink Floyd going on here? Because all I can hear is Keane?"

Woot-ton: Kasabian/Oasis crossover episode

Dan Wootton has the sort of story that would make Gordon Smart explode down there, most likely:

NOEL GALLAGHER will definitely maybe return to gigging by joining KASABIAN on tour.

The Mancunian rock legend, 42, is desperate to get back on the road again just a month after OASIS split.

So he has turned to Kasabian and said: 'Maybe you're gonna be the ones who save me...' from being bored.

He's agreed to appear on their upcoming UK arena tour - which kicks off in Newcastle on November 10 - and they have given him the thumbs up.

Isn't this a bit like a former Tescos Chief Executive agreeing to help out in a branch of Poundland?

More to the point, is this really what's happening?

Tom Meighan has an "exclusive" chat with Daniel, and said this:

He told me: "We've got our arena tour in November.

"Noel will be calling us up nearer the time for sure saying, 'Lads, I'm going to come perform with you on tour'.

"He's a performing machine, and loves playing live so he jumps at the opportunity whenever he can join us."

That sounds more like Tom saying "yeah, I bet Noel will want to play with us" rather than "oh, yes, he's learning the tabs from... one of our songs..." from where I'm sitting.

Gordon in the morning: Waiting at the gates for health updates

The nation holds its collective breath as news reaches Gordon that Kasabian are unwell:

KASABIAN have been rocked by a swine flu outbreak on tour.

Swine flu, eh?

Speaking from his Sydney hotel room, SERGE PIZZORNO said: "We're all sick as dogs, man. It's pretty terrible. It's a bit of a virus that we picked up in Japan."

So is it swine flu or "a bit of a virus"?

Gordon;s insistence that it's swine flu seems purely there to set up what I think is meant to be a punchline of some sort:

When the Rolling Stones were on tour during their pomp, they often came down with something similar - line flu.

I don't know what makes my head hurt more - the weak drug pun, or the desperate attempt to try and force Tom Meighan having the snuffles in to some sort of debauched rock history frame.

Elsewhere in Gordon's pages today: man catches bus.

Darkness at 3AM: Kasabian on tables

The worry is, I rather think we're meant to be impressed with this:

Diners at the swanky Gilgamesh bar in Camden got more than they bargained for when Kasabian's Tom Meighan got battered on champagne and started jumping on top of the tables.

The boys forked out £3,000 for Christian Audigier champers for the band and their mates Stephen Graham and The Enemy, after their "emotional" iTunes performance at the Roundhouse.

And with Tom shouting "Come on let's have it," the boys were necking it at a startling pace.

You would have thought spending all that money, the one thing you could be sure of was you were in the sort of place where Kasabian wouldn't be honking on the tables. Leicester have much better bands - can we have one of those instead, please?

Gordon in the morning: Meeting of minds

Exciting times for Gordon as Kasabian turn up to offer an interview. A long, long interview.

In which Serge makes a serious face and compares himself and his friends to Heath Ledger:

He explained: “I was writing Vlad and heath’s death just struck a chord.

“There are so many people out there who’ve got to a point when they need a bit of help to get to sleep.

“It could have been any number of people that I know. It was really sad. He was 28, just had this huge film where he stole the show, had his career ahead and life ahead of him and I just felt, I’ll see you on the other side, mate. He seemed a sweet guy.”

Kasabian, of course, are self-made men:

Tom explained: “Brits love an underdog. Critics sneered at us in the beginning but we did it all by ourselves.

“We toured so hard and worked our ar*es off. We got the following we deserved because of hard work."

I think you'll find the critics are still "sneering", Tom. If by sneering you mean "pointing out that Kasabian aren't very good".

You're on a major label, Tom. It's not like you're part of the DIY underground. To be fair, you did do a lot of work to get the deal, but since then, the large glossy adverts and the placing of your tunes on Top Gear and TV campaigns and big support slots don't suggest a campaign being run from a kitchen table in Leicestershire.

But it turns out that when he means by this is that 'Kasabian aren't famous because they went on TV':

"It’s not like Britain’s Got Talent. It’s a horrible show. SIMON COWELL’s all right, though — he just needs to get a better haircut!”

With Serge and Tom straining to puff themselves, Gordon has a hard time trying to keep up with the over-the-top praise. But he manages it:

Serge now has his career-defining collection of songs — all at the age of 28.
[...]
it hasn’t stopped Pizzorno penning an album that would grace any era in rock ’n’ roll...

I did wonder if this was Gordon slyly digging that the record sounds like it could be forty years old for all the invention and inspiration it shows, but... no, I guess he thinks that's a compliment.

Smart does take the chance for a little BPI style railing at the modern world:

A week before the album launched, a pal of Serge’s turned up at a gig and told him track two was his favourite.

It turned out the CD had been leaked and thousands of copies were turning up in schools and offices around the country, robbing Kasabian of cash.

The modern economics of the music industry don’t favour talented musicians.

"Robbing Kasabian of cash"? Really? And what do you mean by the "modern economics of the music industry don't favour talented musicians"? Are you suggesting they favour crappy musicians? Which is rather an odd way to conclude a piece about how successful Kasabian are and how well they're doing.

Soft soap from Kasabian

We're not even going to start with Tom Meighan's happy relationship with a plastic ET dolly:

"The only time I believe in E.T. is when I stand there and I’m really out of my mind and I’ve got a statue of him, a rubber thing.

“It’s a 4ft fuckin’ E.T. living in my house.

“When I’m not really with it I start talking to it and that’s the only time I really believe he’s alive. He’s got a massive cock."

If Tom's ET dolly and its big plastic penis brings him pleasure, there is neither law nor moral imperative to deny him such pleasures.

What does catch our eye, though, is this:

"We're always going to Lush. I like the soaps, delicious lemon smelling soaps. And I make sure there’s hot water in, every day, so I can have a nice bath."

Now, is it just us or does that sound like a desperate bid by a man who looks unwashed slurry-spreaders might object to sharing a bus seat with him to try and reposition himself as a clean, shower-loving type? The trouble in, the phrase "make sure there's hot water in", like it's delivered by a bloke from the corner shop, conjures the image of a man who only has a passing acquaintance with abluting.

Kasabian discover a social conscience

It's not quite going out canvassing for Sian Berry, but it turns out that it's not all beer and Oasis bootlegs for Kasabian: They're passionately opposed to the battering of defenceless seals. Tom says so:

"I think it's just common sense really. I mean, of course I don't think it's OK to smash a baby seal's skull. I don't wear fur; it's such an ugly thing to do".

No word yet on if this new rejection of all-things ugly is going to impact on the band's music, or use of a Manson-connected name for a pop group, but it's early days.

Darkness at 3AM: Noel gets guns

Noel Gallagher's a working class lad, right, he's a man of the people, yeah?

Only, according to Tom Meighan (apparently Kasabian have become so successful at channeling Oasis they're now acting as the Gallagher's spokesmen) via 3AM, he's taken up country sports:

"He sent me a text about going shooting in America, and about how scared he was of shooting himself.

"I've not heard from Noel in a while, so as soon as he's finished recording in LA it would be nice to meet up and find out what happened. He was going to get some guns and rifles I think. It was supposed to be a leisurely day out or hobby to get stuck into."

Now, we know that getting hold of shooters isn't unknown in some of the suburbs of Manchester, but it'll be interesting to see if Noel attempts to balance his claims to be the same man he was when he was growing up with his new-found desire to bag a brace of grouse for fun.

Elsewhere, the 3AM Girls are puzzled at not being loved by the people whose lives they rifle:

Ok, we'll try to put it down to a bad case of PMT - but WTF is up with the Sugababes? Keisha Buchanan led her boyfriend Dean, along with bandmate Amelle Berrabah and her fella Freddie Fuller, in a chorus of childish hisses at us as we left the 27 Dresses premiere.

Fairly strange considering we've been nothing but supportive of the girls ... but we can go off people you know, Keisha.

You've got to love columnists whose job involves sniping at people calling other's behaviour "childish", and the little bit of threat.

As if to illustrate the point, the 3AMies then call Keisha fat:

Perhaps the girls were just tired after their gruelling work schedule - or perhaps Keisha's more annoyed about piling on the pounds.

Not that they'd ever be accused of being childish or anything.

Kasabian: A stalking horse for their parents

We've always wondered what, exactly, the point of Kasabian is - after all, if they didn't exist, nobody would say "what the world really needs is a sort-of-midway point between the Kaiser Chiefs and Oasis", would they? Unless they worked for a record label.

Now, it turns out, the whole band might be little more than a ruse on the part of Tom's parents to date celebrities:

"One of the best things about being famous is making our parents so proud. They swap press cuttings about us and my dad even got to chat up JAMIE LEE CURTIS."

We suspect there may have been a distinct lack of success with that one.

What are you trying to say?

We're sure the Daily Record's Razz column doesn't actually mean what it seems to be implying here... does it?:

KASABIAN had extra security at the venue and the band stayed in their dressing room before playing.

Organisers even took their name off the door to confuse over-enthusiastic groupies.

But frontman Tom Meighan was spotted chatting to Echo and the Bunnymen's Ian McCulloch.

That "but" seems to suggest that Mac was an over-enthusiastic groupie, doesn't it?

We love the idea that Kasabian fans are so easily confused not having a big sign saying "Kasabian in here" is enough to throw them off the scent, mind.