Gordon in the morning: A-ha, mm-hmm

Presumably in preparation for the soon-come Alan Partridge web series, Steve Coogan left a message on Tom Kasabian's answerphone. In the character, Coogan berated Kasabian for using a Manson Family name as branding of their pudgerock band.

It confuses Gordon, who rather than filing downpage decides this is the big story today and tries to write it up as if Alan Partridge was real - presumably he culdn't get a web boffin to create a photo of him wearing an "I am in on the joke" t-shirt:

The failed TV presenter was probably calling from the Linton Travel Tavern, but the Kasabian lads shouldn't be too offended - there's no way he hates them as much as he does the pedestrianisation of Norwich city centre.

Ha ha ha, yes, and he probably had his hand in a turkey and had just shot someone because those are things he did on TV, too.

One other note: Smart attempts to defend Kasabian's choice of Linda Kasabian as a choice for a band name:

Linda Kasabian was an accomplice to Manson and his so-called "Manson Family" - a commune responsible for a string of murders in the late 1960s.

But she was also the key witness in a 1970 trial when Manson was convicted of killing nine people.

Well, yes. But she refused to say anything at all until she was given immunity from prosecution, so she literally got away with murder. Surprising to see The Sun treating her as if she was the good guy from the Manson family.

Courtney explains the Coogan affair

In an odd life lived in an odd world, even then Courtney Love dating Steve Coogan stood out as especially strange. Now, though Courtney has tried to explain what happened:

"I've seen 24 Hour Party People and my theory on why the whole thing happened is that I had a kind of daddy crush on Tony Wilson. And I transferred to Coogan because he plays WIlson."

It raises the horrific possibility that when they had sex, Love would make Coogan run through a list of options if you've just got back your exam results and they're not what you were hoping for.

Talking for Tony

Could there be any more apt a memorial for Tony Wilson than non-stop talking?

Steve Coogan, Tim Burgess, Irvine Welsh and - you'd have to hope - others are currently taking part in a round-the-clock talking event that's designed to inspire the next generation of creative people in Manchester.

They've called it The Tony Wilson Experience, though, which is great as it implies that it's going to be some sort of three-piece pub band instead.

Courtney continues calling Coogan

Courtney Love's decision that Steve Coogan is to blame for all the world's ills, up to and including the attempted suicide of Owen Wilson isn't one she's started to regret yet. Now she wants Coogan to go home:

"Hopefully the guy will leave us alone in this town and go back to Brighton or wherever the hell he's from… and stay there."

Clearly, while Courtney and Coogan were enjoying their tender moments, they never got round to talking about home towns.

Someone mentioned Coogan was muttering darkly about suing Love for linking him to Wilson's problems. Courtney doesn't care:

"There's nothing illegal or wrong with saying that someone's a bad influence."

Well... saying someone is responsible for another person trying to kill themselves would seem to actually be pretty libellous unless you can back it up. Can you back it up, Courtney?

"I could get into some very specific detail..."

Really?

"...that I'm not going to."

Oh.

Courtney then turns the knife:

"He's not even known over here. No one knows who the guy is.

"He has bit parts in movies - that's what he does."

Well, if nobody knew who he was before, thanks to Courtney's tireless work, all of America will know him before too long.

And just think, as Owen Wilson tries to rummage around to get his life back together, how all this must be helping him. If only every suicide survivor could be treated to screechy, screechy blamey finger-point to help them.

Courtney Love blames Coogan for Wilson's suicide tryout

If your life was going a little off the rails, and Courtney Love popped up offering advice, you'd surely see that as a wake up call.

Courtney Love. Thinking you're out of control.

Apparently, Love had been warning Owen Wilson about the dangers of hanging out with Steve Coogan shortly before Wilson tried to end it all:

"I went through it with Steve," rocker Courtney Love, who dated Coogan, 41, until an acrimonious split in 2006, tells Us.

"I was just out of rehab, and he was right there with the drugs," she says. "I tried to warn Owen. I tried to warn his friends ... I hope from the bottom of my heart that Owen stays the hell away from that guy."

This seems a little extreme; indeed, Coogan is rather upset:

"These accusations are unfounded, unhelpful and hurtful to all concerned," Coogan responded. "We are taking legal advice.”

Not entirely sure who he's planning on suing - surely Courtney Love can't be held responsible for anything she says or does, can she?