Tom Clarke: I am not a Hobbit

Time Out appears to have called Tom Clarke out The Enemy a Hobbit.

Tom - known for his outspoken barbs himself - giggled a little and said 'you know what? I wish I had one-tenth of Martin Freeman's charisma'.

Oh, sorry, I'll just read that again. He didn't do that.

Instead he did this:

@Leonbradley7 @theenemyband @TimeOutLondon I like how they stooped to playground insults rather than anything insightful. Poor journalism.

— Tom Clarke (@tomclarke_enemy) September 9, 2014

If I had a pound for everytime a journalist called me a hobbit I could buy enough bullets to round them up and disfigure the lot of them.

— Tom Clarke (@tomclarke_enemy) September 9, 2014

Absolute fucking children. What they fail to appreciate is that I've achieved more than they ever will despite being a fucking hobbit.

— Tom Clarke (@tomclarke_enemy) September 9, 2014

Morons. Jealous, juvenile, inept, generically conformist morons. With your little pens. Do me a favour and get yourself a life transplant.

— Tom Clarke (@tomclarke_enemy) September 9, 2014

It's 2014 and we're still obsessed with what people look like instead of who they are or what they do. Society needs to grow the fuck up.

— Tom Clarke (@tomclarke_enemy) September 9, 2014

Tom, Tom, Tom. They don't use little pens any more. Actually, little pens was people in bookies or Argos; most journalists used normal sized pens. They use keyboards. Although maybe you misspelled penis.

We perhaps shouldn't be surprised that Tom is threatening to shoot people in the face for a mild comment - he also uses his Twitter feed to bang on at some length about his broadband problems.

And there's this:

Twitter raped.....got to respect that ☺️

— Tom Clarke (@tomclarke_enemy) August 12, 2014

I have no idea what Tom is referring to. But I'm pretty certain he hasn't, actually, been raped.

Time Out did make a mistake in calling Tom Clarke a Hobbit. It's easy to get confused, but the cave-dwelling fictional creature they were really going for was a Teletubby.

Gordon in the morning: The 19th hole

You know that golf tournament that Gordon was telling us all about yesterday? All a little embarrassing and self-indulgent, wasn't it? Still, it's just one day in summer. It's not like Gordon would return to his pitch and putt for a second day, is it?

Oh.

And today, it's the big lead in the paper. Which surely means that there was another a big story came out of the day, right? Although, bemusingly, one that wasn't so big it had to be reported yesterday. So what is so big, but not so big, Gordon?

I HAVE a confession to make.

Uh-oh. Don't tell me the penis-size comparison got out of hand.

When ANDY HOPKINS from The Enemy hops on to play the V Festival on crutches this weekend, it's partly my fault.

Oh. (How do you play bass on crutches?) That's it, is it?

The poor lad smashed his heel in a drinking game which got out of hand at the inaugural Bizarre golf tournament.

If you thought Gordon was pushing it detailing the results of a golf game paid for by a PR company, you'll be delighted to hear the even-more-detailed coverage of the hilarious hi-jinks that followed once everyone got drunk.

In short, it was a drinking game:

If you took more than two shots to get the ball in the hole, you had to down half your drink. More than four and the whole drink had to go.

Some terrible putting and a few rounds of rum and ginger and Andy found himself doing his best JURGEN KLINSMANN impression along a slippery outdoor bar.

He got drunk and fell over. Hilarious. Let's all give the guys a round of applause, because becoming drunk and incapable is such a hoot.

What else is there in the Sun today, I wonder? Ooh, here's an interesting piece about David Cameron's new proposals:

The Tory leader plans to stop supermarkets selling boxes of strong lager at rock-bottom prices - sometimes cheaper than the cost of bottled water.
[...]
There is growing evidence that many youngsters get "tanked up" on cheap booze from the supermarket before heading out in the night.

And cops fear access to alcohol after pubs and clubs have closed can be a key factor in triggering violence or injuries.

It's terrible, isn't it, The Sun? I wonder where people get the idea that getting drunk and incapable is some sort of a hoot?

Darkness at 3AM: Kasabian on tables

The worry is, I rather think we're meant to be impressed with this:

Diners at the swanky Gilgamesh bar in Camden got more than they bargained for when Kasabian's Tom Meighan got battered on champagne and started jumping on top of the tables.

The boys forked out £3,000 for Christian Audigier champers for the band and their mates Stephen Graham and The Enemy, after their "emotional" iTunes performance at the Roundhouse.

And with Tom shouting "Come on let's have it," the boys were necking it at a startling pace.

You would have thought spending all that money, the one thing you could be sure of was you were in the sort of place where Kasabian wouldn't be honking on the tables. Leicester have much better bands - can we have one of those instead, please?

Noel bashes the NME, not The Enemy

Given their habit of fawning over his band at a time when they've become little more than a nostalgic joke, you'd have thought that Noel Gallagher would see the NME as a branch of his marketing team.

Not so:

"If I personally see any weasel from the NME at these gigs (which is highly unlikely) they'll be getting escorted off site. In fact, you could do me a favour here. If you see an NME journalist at any of the gigs (and let's face it, they're pretty easy to spot; they don't stray far from hospitality, wear God-awful clothes - particularly the shoes - got dreadful hair and that kind of 'mug me' look about them), give 'em a clip round the ear-hole from me and tell 'em to behave."

Noel Gallagher having a laugh at someone's godawful clothes and dreadful hair, with his tousled Playmobil goes camping style?

But, you'll be wondering, what could have irked Gallagher so much?

Apparently, he's upset that the paper has been trying to create friction between Oasis and The Enemy:

"There's been an attempt by the NME to try and start some juvenile, pathetic feud between the bands in the run-up to these gigs. Can I assure everyone that there is not and never will be anything between the working classes and its heroes."

I don't know whether Gallagher is trying to claim that he is the working class, or if he's the hero of the working classes, or, indeed, which of those claims would be more absurd.

Still, it's good to see that Gallagher isn't the sort to let himself be drawn in to some sort of pointless, empty feud with a band turning out music for a similar sort of audience. That really isn't the Oasis way, is it? Saddle up your horse, Noel...
horse... horsey...
Lovely horse... look at the lovely horse.

Gordon in the morning: A small ambition

The Enemy turn up to play some songs for Gordon Smart and - lord help us - John Gaunt this morning, and set their hats at tumbling their idols:

Tom & Co will be supporting OASIS this summer, but hope to take over as our No1 band before long.

That sentence implies that Oasis are our number one band, but let's let it pass, shall we?

The Enemy are set to play with the GALLAGHERS in front of 90,000 people at Wembley, their determination means they won’t be truly happy until they are headlining there themselves.

Tom said: “I don’t think NOEL needs to do it any more. He’s doing it for the love of it. That’s the dream.

“That’s when you can say you’ve made it.”

Is Noel doing it for love? Aren't he and his brother more like a married couple who have long gone past passion, through love and beyond comfort; now they're barely even going through the motions.

They even took the news that Bob Dylan had pipped them to No1 spot in the album chart early this month with good humour.

Tom said: “I was disappointed for about two minutes then it occurred to me it was Bob.

“You have worse days than coming second to him.”

Oh yes. A bloke who hadn't had a number one album since sweets came off the ration. There's no shame in being the first band in decades to be kept off the top spot by him.

While Gordon is nodding quietly along to The Enemy, he's left it to Caroline Iggulden to pick up the Jackson story. She trots through the usual cancer story stuff - brave, waving at fans, more bravery. The story has everything, except for the denial of the whole story by the Jackson camp. Which might be something a Sun reader should at least be made aware of, don't you think?

Gordon in the morning: Creeping with The Enemy

Success hasn't changed us

- That's the announcement which leads in to the Sun's interview with The Enemy this morning.

It's true.

Other things which haven't changed The Enemy: inventing a flying car; learning to perform open-heart surgery; cradling a dying elk in their arms while angry tanker-drivers hurl insults.

The piece - by Jacqui Swift - claims to be an interview, but also has a star rating for the album at the top.

It's quite sweet, as The Enemy seem to have confused themselves with U2:

[Tom] says: “The biggest achievement is me, Liam and Andy can sit down and still have a pint with each other. We’re still mates. No one’s got an ego.”

Gordon, meanwhile, attempts some SATIRE:

POLE-dancing, PVC and dominatrix action. Sounds like a Saturday night behind closed doors for an MP.

Isn't it all leafing through John Lewis catalogues and buying houses these days, Gordon?

Still, it turns out that we're not talking about MPs at all, but plans for the Girls Aloud tour. Oddly, although Gordon suggests that pole-dancing, PVC and dominiatrixes would be wrong and bad if enjoyed by an MP, he doesn't seem to have a problem with it as part of a family entertainment.

It’s with great pleasure I bring you the news that the foxy five have been taking secret lessons in pole dancing for their Out Of Control tour, which kicks off next Friday at Manchester’s MEN Arena.

Hang about, though, that's pole-dancing "behind closed doors", isn't it?

I’m told: “The girls have been taking tips from some of the best pole dancers in the business to put together a really naughty dance routine for their song Fix Me Up.

“Each of the girls has their own podium-mounted pole to show off their skills and costumes. It’s jaw-dropping stuff.”

Yes. Yes, it's jaw-dropping alright. Or, at least, enough to make you bury your head in your hands.

For Gordon, there's nothing better than the idea of women pole-dancing. Well, almost nothing better. You've gone a bit misty eyed, there, mate - what were you thinking about?

I wonder if they had a spare gimp mask left over for her hubby ASHLEY COLE?

Perhaps if you ask nicely, Gordon.

Non-existent record attempt made by Beth Ditto and, erm, Pearl from Powder

We don't like to be snarky at charities, we really don't, and Crisis do brilliant work and we suggest you support them. Give them some money. Go on.

Having said that, what on earth is point of the thinking behind the "bid to break the world record for number of downloads of a charity single on a single day"? We know it's supposed to create a bit more interest around the Enemy/Beth Ditto/Paul Weller/Supergrass single, but how is making up a record which nobody would ever have even thought of really going to help?

They've got Pearl Spam from Powder involved:

Ambassador for Crisis, Pearl Lowe, said: "Before everyone goes off for the bank holiday, we want them to think about giving something back and helping us to set this world record."

But it's not a world record, is it? It's just quantifying something that's never been measure before, like me deciding I'm going to break the world record for the most embedded James Taylor videos in a music blog on a Friday. Good cause, terrible half-arsed marketing idea.

Darkness at 3AM: Who is the enemy?

This is actually from yesterday's 3AM column, the latest one available online. The Enemy have been planting trees as part of a volunteer initiative - which is admirable. We had our eye caught by Tom Clarke's quote, though:

"Giving up a bit of our time opened our eyes to the difference volunteers can make to ordinary people's lives."

How nice that - despite hitting 41 with their latest single - Clarke can still find some time to help out the ordinary people. It's expected he'll also help the poor folks and the little guys in other initiatives later this year.

Just a side note, though: hats off to whoever added the words "The band have never heard any records by The Jam" to the Enemy's Wikipedia entry. Twice.

Darkness at 3AM: 3ANME

Perhaps Gordon was too busy honing his Pete Doherty thunk-piece, as he seems to missed a lot of the detail his rivals at 3AM have picked up - he mentions Alexa Chung being sick, but the Mirror spotted her hurling over Alex Turner; and while Gordon tells us what he thinks about Doherty's prize, the 3AMies report that some of the crowd booed as he was getting his prize, and that The Enemy weren't happy with his win:

The Enemy's Tom Clarke was unimpressed, telling us: "Doherty doesn't deserve to win anything. He isn't in the music industry any more, he's in the drugs trade."

Which is both pithier than Smart's tirade, and from a more wounding quarter.

The Enemy pick up award everyone's forgotten about

The XFM debut album award that was launched with a little fanfare last year has now been handed out to a winner, with The Enemy scooping the prize. Apparently they were selected by a panel of experts, rather than having the title given to them for simply remembering the thing hadn't yet been wrapped up.

The prize means The Enemy will now be able to ask their label to put a little sticker saying "Winner XFM debut album award 2007" on their jewel cases.

Enemy beg 'don't hate us'

The Enemy's Tom Clarke has apologised for pulling their European tour:

“Please accept my apologies for having to again cancel the recent shows in Europe. I’ve come down with a bacterial throat infection that’s made it impossible to sing and forced us to come home. It’s the last thing we wanted to happen, but under doctors orders I am back home resting.”

“We got one blinding show into the tour in Holland, I wake up the following day and can't sing! We cancelled one show and tried to wait it out but I just got worse.

“I’m gutted about this, we were really up for coming over there giving it 10 and blowing you lot away, especially after having to cancel last time too! Please bear with us, we’re dying to get back out there, but the doc says no. Hopefully I’ll get the all clear soon and back out on the road.”

One night in the Netherlands and you've picked up a bacterial infection, have you, Tom? We had a mate who that happened to. Yoghurt and bedrest sorted him out.

Simon Webbe: "Did I mention I was rock?"

The 3AM Girls are all a twitter this morning as Simon Webbe re-emerges:

When we caught up with the former Blue boy at the I Am Legend premiere after-party, he hinted at a bold new musical direction.

Ah, it's nice to hear he picked up a small waiting job at a film party to keep going just before Christmas, isn't it?

Anyway... tell us more about this bold musical direction, then:

"I'm going to be taking a few more risks," teased Simon, 28, before naming Foo Fighters, The Enemy and Arctic Monkeys as his fave bands.

How funny - Webbe's been on the music scene for six years, making solo records for nearly half of that, and yet all of a sudden we discover that he doesn't even like the stuff he's been producing. (In common, it's fair to say, with the rest of the record-buying public.)

Still, it's true that it's going to be something of a risk for him to suddenly try and reinvent himself as Dave Grohl - it's an aspiration on a par with a vol-au-vent hoping to turn itself into a steak and kidney pudding.

Guerrilla gigs? What is this, 2005?

Okay, it wasn't quite a guerrilla gig, as it had been arranged a competition prize, but The Enemy at Loughborough Station does have the smack of that time when you couldn't pop out for a pound of potatoes without discovering a band throwing a secret gig outside the greengrocers.

It was an under-strength band, too: Andy Hopkins was laid up with grotty tonsils:

"We're really sorry Andy can't be here, but he's laid up in bed," Tom Clarke told the crowd.
[...]
"It's [tonsillitis] been going round all tour, I think I might even be coming down with it," he explained. "But fingers crossed we both should be well enough to play the two final dates. We don't want to let anybody down."

My Dad always used to insist that bands needed their adenoids removed. It turns out he wasn't wrong.

The Enemy realise they might need friends

We know you'll have been unable to settle all weekend, wondering if The Enemy and Alex Zane are still at war.

The good news is that The Enemy have been thinking - probably about the combined marketing push offered by Channel 4 and XFM to their target audience of not-too-fussy boys in skintight jeans - and have offered a truce:

"I'm willing to play an acoustic set on his show. We've got to move on."

Not only have they got to move on, they've also got a large pile of unsold copies of We'll Live And Die In These Towns they've got to move on out of warehouses.

We love the idea that coming onto Zane's show and playing an acoustic session is some sort of concession, though - it's like if Galtieri had offered to turn up in Plymouth and translate all the street signs into Spanish to end the Falklands War.

Cancellations run riot at NME tour

There can't be many people who've used the excuse of "being stick on the M4" to pull out of a gig, but it's worked for Letha Bizzle who's joined a sicklisted Wombats in quitting tonight's NME tour bill for Cardiff.

The Wombats' Matthew Murphy is without a voice; ominously, Bizzle is being replaced by "friends" of The Enemy who even the NME can't quite put a name on.

Making enemies

Alex Zane and The Enemy have fallen out, apparently after the band took offence at his interview approach. Zane, for some reason, failed to treat them like they were the most astonishing band ever; the countered with a letter that claimed he'd slept his way to the top. (We know, the 'top' being Xfm and the declining Popworld strand in this case.) Oh, and they appear to have scattered some cheap homophobia over the top, too.

The two sides then met at the Vodafone awards:

"He came up to me saying thanks for the letter and I said that was alright mate because I genuinely do think you're a shitt presenter. I then said I'd find it humorous if, upon leaving the building, he'd get hit by a bus."

Clearly, The Enemy are as funny as they are musically talented.

Zane has had enough:

"I think if someone can be that rude, offensive and nasty, no matter how good his music is and how nice his bandmates are, I'm done with them."

Words which would send a chill through the marrow of all right-thinking people, were Zane in a position to damage their careers in some way.

The Enemy's enemy is a straw man

The Enemy are quite self-assured for a band whose profile depends as much on one of them being linked to Peaches Geldof as any music they might have made, aren't they?

Today, they give Paul Potts a kicking for, erm, selling more records than them:

"I've just heard that we are about to be knocked off Number One by that fat bloke from Britain's Got Talent," Tom told [Zoe Showbiz]. "It's a fucking disgrace.

"Nobody will know who this bloke is this time next year. If he thinks he is going be making music in a year's time then he has another think coming.

"People who win talent shows have a habit of disappearing. They make one hit album, do a wave of promotion - and then it's on to the next big thing."

Yes, that's true, Tom. He might be a bit of national joke. But he is still selling more records than you, isn't he? And while people who win talent shows do have a bit of habit of getting some attention and then disappearing... you could say the same about bands-mainly-famous-for-hanging-out-with-Peaches-Geldof.

Enemy in a state

Andy Hopkins had to be rushed to hospital following a post-Big Weekend drinking session. No, no, not too much alcohol, it was that 21st century equivalent of the 'bad pint' - he must have had his drink spiked:

“It was scary. I’d only been drinking booze, it must have been spiked.

“I can’t remember any of it but the lads said I was trying to headbutt cars and jumped out of the van and headbutted the concrete.

“Then I was being sick in a corner — they had to call an ambulance. I think I scared them.”

Erratic behaviour, putting yourself in danger, being sick - none of those could be explained away simply by having drunk too much, can they?