Gordon in the morning: What I did on my holidays

Today's Bizarre resembles some sort of shoddy MySpace page, as Gordon files some blurry photos of him hanging out backstage with Noel Gallagher:

Noel Gallagher and showbiz mates have all-night tear-up at Benicassim

The fact that Smart appears in all the photos on the page makes it clear that he's seeing himself as one of those "showbiz mates".

Oh, yes. You're not, I think, meant to be reading the phrase "showbiz mates" in a Simon Bates voice - I think it's meant to be serious.

Although Gordon was clearly there, for some reason he seems to have missed any of the stories - such as they are - as he relies on a strange, anonymous source:

A source backstage said: “Noel was on top form — it was his first chance to have a night out with the Roses.

“Ian Brown was doing magic tricks for the lads, including bandmate Mani.

“Noel was going to knock Dizzee’s baseball cap off to make his point.

“It was quite a collection of hardened drinkers — Buzzcocks’ Steve Diggle is a punk legend.”

Clearly, the "source backstage" was Smart, but he must have been too embarrassed to attribute a quote about someone almost pinching someone's cap to himself.

Gordon in the morning: Ice shards

Last week, Gordon Smart was treating Hulk Hogan like he was still an important cultural force. Turns out Gordon's still trapped in 1986 as today it's Vanilla Ice.

Gordon nods as Ice talks about his comeback tour:

The rapper is gearing up for his comeback tour and says: "I want to hit arenas and really put on a big show. I want lasers, pyros and all that stuff, a huge production."

I suspect this hasn't been run past Ice's accountant. I say "accountant", I mean his nephew who's got Excel on his computer.

"There are a few acts I like that would be great to support me – Tinie Tempah, he would be cool.

"A lot of people don't know who he is in the States, they don't play Tinie on the radio over there."

That's the big difference between Ice and Tempah - Ice is transatlantic, and isn't played on the radio either side of the ocean.

But Ice isn't a deluded fantasist - he knows that he might not get Tempah. Don't worry, though, he has a plan b. It isn't Plan B:

"I like Dizzee Rascal too. We hung out at Glastonbury and some of the other festivals so if Tinie can't do it maybe he will."

Yes. Let's hope that that mobile number Rascal gave to Ice doesn't turn out to be the number of a mincab firm in Hounslow, shall we?

Even Gordon struggles with this:

Chesney Hawkes might be keen.

Which does undercut Ice nicely. Unfortunately, it does come at the end of a big splash piece and enormous photo. If Smart believes Ice is a fantasist, why give him so much space in the first place?

Gennaro Castaldo Watch: On the ball

The football hasn't even started yet, and already it has gone too far. We're faced with Corden and Rascal battling with Williams and Brand for chart supremacy in a battle which, for empty bellowing, makes a Christmas chart race look like the latter stages of a Booker Prize judging session. Gennaro Castaldo has even had to get involved, with HMV's game-of-two-halfs observing:

: "The pop pairings of Dizzee and Corden and Robbie and Brand each have a genuine chance with their respective releases this summer.

“Both are half-decent songs, and they can also expect huge exposure for their singles given their equally massive media profiles.”

What more endorsement for the products available on sale at his stores than the observation that we're seeing two sort-of-okayish songs struggle to claim the crown. Or rather, a stupid white-and-red wig.

Darkness at 3AM: Let's pretend

I'm prepared to bet a large sum of money that 'Saturday: issue press release saying we're bringing forward the release of the James Corden-Dizzee Rascal world cup of soccer single, citing public demand' was in the media plan from the off.

But the 3AMies are reporting it as news.

Perhaps, to be fair, they've brought forward the release date so it might be on sale while there are still some England players capable of hobbling from the halfway line to the goal mouth.

Woot-ton: The Prince and the showman

Prince William turned up at the Radio One Roadshow last weekend, it turns out, and Dan Wootton was there to see it.

Well, not actually there, but someone told him all about it, anyway:

I'm told he couldn't wait to throw his hands in the heir when Dizz performed. Watching from the side of the stage, Wills was certainly a posh Boy In Da Corner. But the polo-playing Prince also proved he wasn't Snoot Dog as he rapped along to EVERY word of his hero's song.

The polo-playing Prince? Because, presumably, being a prince isn't enough to suggest an air of wealth and privilege. William might have been, you know, one of those urban princes, and then the supposed craziness of a rich person knowing a song by a black person wouldn't be thrown into anything like enough relief, would it?

Brits 2010: The element of surprise

You know one of the great things about the Brit awards? It's that moment where you discover the supersecretsurpise duet.

Admittedly, they always turn out to be something of the nature of Mika and The Gossip slapped together like the front of '78 Escort cut and shunt on the rear end of a '87 Metro. But at least it's a surprise, right?

The last thing you'd want to do would be issue a poorly written press release detailing who, and what they'll be doing and... oh...:

As the most thrilling night in music looms, UK record labels’ body, the BPI can reveal that Dizzee Rascal and Florence + The Machine performance at the BRIT Awards 2010 with MasterCard will be made available for download on the iTunes Store (www.itunes.co.uk). For the first time in BRITs history, audience members and viewers watching LIVE on ITV1 will have the chance to download their very own souvenir of the 30th anniversary show, and a donation will be made to the BRIT Trust from every sale of the single until 18 March 2010.

The most thrilling night in music? It's not even the most thrilling night in industry awards shows held at Earls' Court.

Still, I'm sure all the labels who pump a fortune into advertising albums during the ITV show will be delighted that the bloody organisers are going into competition with them.

Oh, it's going to be a mash-up called You've Got The Dirtee Love. I'd have held out for Bonkers With A Hit, myself.

Brits announce this year's ill-starred duet

It's become a tradition of the Brit Awards - the slapping together of a duet between two artists which doesn't even manage to scrape together looking good on paper.

This year, the names drawn out the hat at random are Florence And The Machine and Dizzee Rascal. It's expected to follow in the footsteps of The Gossip & Mika and Klaxons & Rihanna. So prepare to say goodbye forever to the pair of them.

Nominations are being unveiled tonight on ITV2. Fearne Cotton will be holding up a microphone and trying to think of something to say.

Gordon in the morning: Inspector remorse

The trouble with the long line of stories promoting Robbie Williams' new record is that they're now starting to contradict each other.

So the idea that Robbie Williams only checks into rehab when he's staring death in the eyes? Today, it turns out that he actually went to rehab because he couldn't cope with the job he's paid for:

He added: "I felt great when I started to promote a record but it soon began to kill me.

"I felt worse when on tour. I suffered a nervous breakdown and checked into rehab."

In the same story (not entirely clear why) Gordon exposes Dizzee Rascal's love of history:

DIZZEE RASCAL was filming the video for single Dirty Cash in London yesterday while dressed in a top hat and morning coat.

He shares scenes with a woman dressed as MARGARET THATCHER and suffragettes with huge boobs.

It's what Sylvia Pankhurst was working for, you know.

Gordon in the morning: Not by popular demand

Lady GaGa seems to be tiring of the story that she's a hermaphrodite, prompting Gordon to once again run a video where it looks a bit like she's got a penis.

Watch it below to decide for yourself...

A couple of seconds of a lumpy skirt shot from an awkward angle. That's certainly all the evidence I need to judge a complex question about gender identity.

She also said in a recent web blog: "I have both male and female genitalia, but I consider myself a female."

I think that might have been "laughing it off", Gordon.

It's not clear why Gordon is so exercised by this question, unless - having run so many pictures of GaGa for his readers to look at (indeed, to look at themselves silly over), he has a strange worry at the back of his mind that he's looking at a man.

Dizzee Rascal, meanwhile, is less than impressed with the Olympics building work. He's said that it's doing nothing for the people of East London and all it has done is turned the place into a massive "building hole". It's an important question - the Olympics were pitched as being as much about the area as some sort of national pride, and if it's not delivering, then we need to be asking why. And it's lucky that someone from the area who is able to articulate the issues is willing to break ranks from the 'smile, it's for your own good' approach.

But is he being taken seriously?

Dizzee’s rap for Bonkers Olympics

Apparently not.

And with Robbie apparently back on the hero side of the Gordon Smart board, we're in for a lot more of this sort of thing, where James Corden gives his opinion on the new record. He likes it, but then he apparently also thought those Horne & Corden scripts were worth turning into a television programme to show to people.

Still, it gives another chance for Gordon to push the album:

Yesterday I gave the exclusive first review of his comeback single Bodies.

It's a cracker and on course for the No1 spot after it is released on October 12.

Blimey - Gordo is somehow getting sales figures for eight weeks' time?

You'd have thought the discovery that Corden and - god help us - Phil Taylor had also had exclusive first listens (before Gordon's self-trumpeted first listen, by the sound of it) might have given pause. But, no, endorsements is endorsements:

The Power gave the album top marks too.

And if it's good enough for Taylor, Corden and Moyles, it's good enough for me.

Evidently, yes. But isn't that a bit like praising food by saying "if it'll do for Kentucky Fried Chicken, it'll do for me..."

Gordon in the morning: A right carry-on

Naturally, the story about "kinky German swingers in rubber" crashing Dizzee Rascal's video shoot is two parts hype to one part truth, but does give Gordon a chance to go to one of journalism's darkest places:

A local taxi driver told me...

Bloody hell, Gordon - you don't normally bother to offer any indication of the careers of your unnamed sources, and when you do, it's a taxi driver?

I'm thinking we're only a few days from Gordon's first "I made my excuses and left".

Elsewhere, Gordon is excited by an apparent endorsement:

Lady is Gaga for The Sun

Really?

She stepped out of her hotel in the Swiss city of Zurich wearing a suit plastered with newspaper print.

And one of the stories was The Sun's legendary front page: "Freddie Starr ate my hamster."

She knows a quality paper when she sees it.

Actually, it says "E STA TE M AMS". Oh, and given that right next to it is a panel from a National Enquirer, I don't think the jacket is meant to be seen as an exhibition of the best in journalism. Although who wouldn't want to see Lady GaGa wearing a bustier made entirely from the Guardian Society section?

Gordon in the morning: Chris Martin won't go it alone, unless he goes it alone

In the paper version of Bizarre, Gordon gets excited at the prospect of a Chris Martin divorce-driven solo record:

CHRIS MARTIN and GWYNETH PALTROW have a happy home life behind closed doors and here’s hoping it stays that way.

But if things did go pear-shaped for COLDPLAY frontman Chris and movie star Gwyn it could prove very interesting musically.

The thought of the words "Chris Martin" and "very interesting musically" appearing together is intriguing in itself. But what can it all mean?

Asked if he would release a solo album, Chris said: “It would probably mean I’ve been dumped by my wife and I desperately need the money.

“Hell would not only have to freeze over but be skated over and completely closed up.

“The Pope would have to declare it didn’t even exist. I cannot think of anything worse.”

So, what Chris was actually saying was he couldn't imagine any situation where he'd want to go solo, not, as Smart's headline puts it:

I’ll only go solo if Gwyn bins me

It's like, say, Noel Gallagher saying he'd only let Liam play polka music "over my dead body" and running that as "Liam will kill Noel to play polka".

Still, even if there's no prospect of Chris on his own, there's still the threat of more Coldplay stuff:

Chris has become hooked on hit American TV drama The Wire, which is even inspiring him to write Coldplay’s next album.

He said: “The main thing I do on tour is write, then go watch The Wire.”

How, Gordon, does this suggest that The Wire is "inspiring [Martin] to write Coldplay's next album"? If anything, isn't it stopping him? (And if it was, what a shame they're not making more and more series.)

It turns out this is little more than a slim set-up for Gordon to mention how he and Coldplay are big showbiz pals:

When I was on tour with the band last year, on board their private jet they were plugged into a laptop and gripped by the Baltimore-based cop show’s great fifth series.

The main character is drug dealer Stringer Bell and the British actor who plays him, IDRIS ELBA, is an aspiring musician so will love to know that he’s inspiring such a huge band.

Mos’ def.

Yes. Let's just look at that again:

Mos’ def.

Oh, dear.

Even Gordon realises that this story is too slight to lead the online version of Bizarre with, and so digitally, the big story is man trips on stage.

Gordon in the morning: Model models

The leading story in the showbusy world this morning, according to the online version of Bizarre, is that, erm, Kate Moss has done some modeling.

Yes, since you ask, that is what she does for a living and not, you'd consider, so much of a surprise. Saskia Quirke is given the task of trying to make 'person does job for which they're paid' into something noteworthy:

SMOULDERING KATE MOSS is back to being super-glam again — after some rough words about her recent appearances.

Super-glam, huh? Who is she modeling? Versace? Gucci?

She wore outfits, including a £130 see-through top, that she designed for Topshop.

Oh. Superglam in a Top Shop sense, then.

Still, at least you can see her nipples in one picture, eh, Saskia?

And there’s no doubt which image is breast.

Breast - do you get it? Do you? It's quite subtle.

Oddly, though, while in this piece, Bizarre is pointing and yelling "look, you can see her tits and everything", Gordon suddenly comes over all coy when talking about Dizzee Rascal and hios ways of saving money:

He tells me: “I’m quite an outgoing person, but I much prefer staying in, playing PlayStation and getting... ”

Er, let’s just say at this point he explained that he likes getting intimate with da ladies.

Do you mean fucking, Gordon? Given that you run photo after photo of women showing their nix and nips, why do you suddenly get all shy when you have to actually talk about sex?

Isn't there a name for someone who is sneakily obsessed with breasts and butts, but turns bright red and can't look you in the eye when talk about people actually having sex?

Oh, yeah: it's "pubescent", isn't it?

It's not entirely clear why Dizzee is sharing his money saving tips with us in the first place, but it does give Gordon's Photoshop Intern the chance to lazily stick Rascal's head on The Sun's Captain Crunch character. That's the retread of the News Of The World's Captain Cash, bemusingly named after the Sou'westered breakfast cereal hero. Although, to be honest, I'm not sure very many women would be thrilled to know you're staying in having sex with them because you're too cheap to spring for a trip to the pictures.

Dizzee Rascal demonstrates how to end knife crime

Now we know why Dizzee Rsacal was so keen for an end to knife crime: it makes it easier for baseball bat criminals to ply their trade.

Dizzee does it for himself

Who knew that Dizzee Rascal is more C86 than underground grime? He's genuninely indie:

"Dance Wiv Me was the first fully independent song to go to No.1 in 14 years."

He's proud of his achievement - understandably so. The main difference between Rascal and most indie acts, though, is that he's quite keen to remain indie.

And, he tells the Daily Record, he's keen to return to Scotland:

He added: "I think Scotland is very urban in the sense of rough council estates.

"You've got black people in Scotland and always had a good history of black music.

You had Average White Band so there's always been relations to urban.

"You're not that far away from England, know what I mean?"

Dizzee played at Glasgow University during last year's Freshers' Week.

He said: "I went to their ball. It's good to rave with the students.

"It was my 23rd birthday and they mademe feel really welcome."

Ah, yes. You'll generally find the Freshers' ball at Glasgow consists almost entirely of kids from the rough council estates.

Zoo shambles

Another festival disaster: Zoo8 seems to have been something of a nightmare with half the bands not showing, and the venue (a zoo, of course) having to dig deep into their own pockets to see that Ash would play when the promoters didn't look able to guarantee the payment.

Which means, in effect, that the penguins and tigers of Port Lympne were subsidising a music festival.

Even with Ash secured, no-shows and overflows left fans less-than-thrilled:

Fan David Haskoll said there were four toilets and no taps in the campsite, while the toilets in the main arena were "full to overflowing".

Julia Bray, whose daughter was at the event, wrote on a Facebook page: "Hours of queuing, campsite dreadful, bands didn't show up or moved stages, staff very rude or unhelpful."

Another fan, Rachel Collings, wrote: "Badly organised, badly informed. Worst fest ever!"

Hey - Woodstock II would take issue with that.

Funnily enough, though - presumably following the Eavis playbook - those charged with overseeing the event report a wonderful time had by all:

A spokeswoman for the park said: "As with all music festivals, there were some hiccups.

"This being the first Zoo8 at the park, there were bound to be some problems but they were all resolved quickly and efficiently, mainly by our own staff who stepped in to sort things out.

"According to St John Ambulance, Health and Safety, the licensing office, environmental health and the police, they were all happy."

Then again, none of those fine organisations would be expected to factor in the non-appearance of Dizzee Rascal, Athlete, The Rascals or Wiley.

Glastonbury paper round: Scrubbing the mud of rumour from the pure doorstep of truth

Effectively, the Sun's coverage is hanging this morning on triumphantly blowing the Doherty isn't coming story out the water:

DESPITE rumours of him going awol - PETE DOHERTY took to his Glasto headline slot like a duck to water.
[...]
Pete was top notch, performing to a dedicated following who finally believe he cares more about the music than the drugs.

Hang about, Nadia Mendoza - that sounds like a dangerous deviation from the paper's party line, there.

Nadia's coverage of Franz Ferdinand's discovery of the risks of turning up as a surprise too high up the bill is pretty good, too:

SECRET giggers FRANZ FERDINAND should have gone down a storm - but when they took to the stage DIZZIE RASCAL fans were left wondering what had happened to their hero.

The Scottish rockers played a surprise set on the Park Stage before the British rapper, leaving the crowd bewildered and second guessing if the hip-hopper would turn up.

Polite applause and confusion left what should have been a fantastic set somewhat tainted.

We were surprised, though, that Nadia seemed both bemused how The Subways could be familiar enough to be on the main stage, and yet also convinced their songs were too over-familiar to be worth bothering with.

While The Sun is berating those who fall for rumours, it's slightly kinder on the people who ran stories about Dolly Parton's surprise plans - what with that being the boss, and all. No Dolly, no way, as she's playing at the other end of the country.

Perhaps surprisingly, the Mirror is leading its coverage with an interview with Martha Wainwright, and a sad tale of lost footwear:

She explained: "I did have my favourite wellies that I wore when I went to Africa with Damon Albarn (on a fact-finding mission to Mali for the Blur frontman’s Africa Express project). But they were in such bad shape by the end of Glastonbury last year, I just kicked them off and said goodby as I was leaving the site. They had done their duty. I’ve got to buy some there this year, but the mud can’t be anything as bad as last year."

The paper also found tickets on eBay for a tenner. So, Michael Eavis has finally beaten the touts - by tanking the resale value of the tickets.

The Mail has spotted Kate Moss, and so can now go home happy. She didn't speak to them, so the paper made do with the next best thing:

Tom Knowles, 27, a retail manager, from Ashby de la Zouch, Leicestershire, said: 'Every time the heavens opened, I felt a little down. I kept thinking "oh God is this it" but it kept clearing after 10, 15 minutes tops.

The Guardian's coverage focuses more heavily on the music, offering a handy scorecard of the acts so far:

Candi Staton - 9
Ting Tings - 8
Vampire Weekend - 8
Glasvegas - 7

Glasvegas probably lost a couple of points for being on a rival sponsor's stage.

The Telegraph has sent Tom Chivers down to battle through the crowds, although he does seem to be relying on his rivals to keep him in the loop:

I read in the Guardian that "despite the weather", and to Emily Eavis' obvious disappointment, "at least one in 10 festivalgoers are still wearing wellies". How odd.

But he rallies, and gets a scoop of his own:

And finally, a Such Small Portions exclusive - according to our sources (in this case, an authoritative-looking man overheard talking on the phone as he walked through the press tent), Michael Eavis has booked the headline for next year: Morrissey. Remember, you heard it here first. Unless it's not true, of course, in which case you didn't.

Morrissey? Bloody hell - the tickets'll be lucky to make a fiver on eBay, then...

[Part of Glastonbury 2008]

Glastonbury: Dizzee Rascal is surprised

Despite the weeks of Michael Eavis running up to the announcement of Jay-Z as a Glastonbury headline by dropping huge hints that it wasn't going to be wall-to-wall Kings Of Leon, Dizzee Rsacal was surprised:

"It's amazing to me man, as a fan that's just like wow," he added. "I never saw that coming and I could never picture Jay-Z at Glastonbury but it's all good."

It's not just that Rascal is now slightly humped to find that his position as highest-rapper-on-the-bill has been lost which makes Mr. Rascal wonder if the choice is right:

He told 1Xtra: "I don't know if Jay-Z has got that cross over element. Kanye West or Eminem, they've both got that. Jay-Z is a bit of a funny one."

We love the way that Rascal - Britain's foremost rapper - still talks about other rap musicians as if he was working on stock control out the back of Woolworths.

Dizzee Rascal plans to spread his seed

Overpopulation. Something of a problem for the world right now, but not one that bothers Dizzee Rascal, apparently:

I want to have ten kids

This might come as something of a shock to his partner - or, as she's described by the charming Rascal:

one girl I've been seeing lately more than anyone else

Of course, just because Rascal is intent on having ten kids doesn't mean he's going to settle down:

[I]t's deciding whether it will be with the same baby-mother or not.

We can never quite decide if it's slightly more or less demeaning to see women as "babymothers" than to call them "womb-on-leg-o-matics", but it's such a close-run thing we'll just hope that Rascal's sperms are as inmotile as his career is, rather than think of ten kids being brought up in his footsteps.

Amy Winehouse is "Britain's best black artist"

The increasingly detached MOBO awards have announced their nominations list, with Amy Winehouse and Dizzee Rascal leading the way - four nominations each.

It would be unfair to suggest that the shortlist has been drawn up by asking, say, Ken Bruce to name all the black artists he can think of, but, then again...

Here's the nominations in full - jump to the bottom if you don't want to scroll through:

BEST UK MALE
Dizzee Rascal
Kano
Lethal Bizzle
Sway
Wiley

BEST UK FEMALE
Amy Winehouse
Beverley Knight
Corinne Bailey Rae
Jamelia
Joss Stone

BEST UK NEWCOMER
Mutya Buena
N Dubz
Sadie Ama
Tinchy Stryder
UnkleJam

BEST DJ
George Kay
Jigs
Rampage
Ras Kwame
Ronnie Herel
Semtex
Shortee Blitz
Steve Sutherland
Tim Westwood
Trevor Nelson

BEST REGGAE
Collie Buddz
Sean Kingston
Shaggy
Stephen Marley
Tony Matterhorn

BEST HIP HOP
50 Cent
Common
Dizzee Rascal
Kano
Kanye West


BEST R&B
Akon
Amy Winehosue
Lemar
Nathan
Ne-Yo

BEST INTERNATIONAL ACT
Akon
Diddy
Kanye West
Rihanna
T.I

BEST SONG
Amerie - 'Take Control'
Amy Winehouse - 'Rehab'
Dizzee Rascal - 'Sirens'
Neyo - 'Because of You'
Robin Thicke - 'Lost Without You'

BEST VIDEO
Amy Winehouse - 'Back to Black'
Dizzee Rascal - 'Sirens'
Kanye West - 'Stronger'
Pussycat Dolls - 'Wait a Minute'
Rihanna - 'Umbrella'

BEST GOSPEL
4 Kornerz
BlushUK
G-Force
Jahaziel
Priscilla Jones

BEST JAZZ
Abram Wilson
Byron Wallen
Dee Dee Bridgewater
Soweto Kinch
Wynton Marsalis

Best African Act
Tu Face Idibia (Nigeria)
DBanj (Nigeria)
Nameless (Kenya)
Wambali Mkandawire (Malawi)
Bebe Cool (Uganda)
Kabelo (SA)

You know you're in trouble when the Pussycat Dolls are being considered for the best anything. This year, you can vote yourself online, if you really feel you must.

... assuming Pete can get a visa

Further stages on Babyshamble's decline: they're due to take part in a US package tour. With Dizee Rascal.

And The View.