There's no hope for the Mail, is there?

The Mail has become so obsessed with women's bodies, it can't even write a headline about a man buying a lot of Dolly Parton memorabilia without popping its favourite word into the headline:

Dolly Parton super-fan obsessed with the curvy country singer spends £10,000 on memorabilia... but insists his CDs and life-size cutouts are 'priceless'

Is this part of the house style at the Mail now? "Headlines: when writing about women, remember to include an indication of whether the woman is curvy or worryingly thin."

Glastonbury 2014: This morning, possibly

In a hotel somewhere around Bristol, team Kasabian gather in a breakfast room. They spend some time choosing between the complimentary muffins and the complimentary danish. One of them asks for lager. Told he can't have lager, he makes a fuss. A member of the hotel team gets a can of lager from somewhere. One of Kasabian suddenly realises that he's going to have to drink lager with his coco pops. Not for the first time, he wonders if he's made a terrible mistake.

The band sit down at a table in the corner with tablets and newspapers. One speaks.

- So, lads, last night. We closed Glastonbury. We headlined Glastobury. We owned that place. What's the world saying about this new Kasabian era?
- Erm... well, this paper is just all about Dolly Parton.
- Yeah, so's this one.
- This one too.
- They're all about Dolly Parton? What about the internets?
- Well, our fans seem to have chattered about us a bit
- Yeah, but... mostly...
- Yeah, it's mostly about Dolly Parton
You could feel sorry for Kasabian: They wait for years to become top of the bill, and still end up going on five hours after the headline act.

Dollywood meets Pilton Pop

I’m incredibly excited to FINALLY announce that the #BlueSmokeWorldTour is coming to @GlastoFest on June 29th! ;) Stay tuned for more info…

— Dolly Parton (@DollyParton) February 27, 2014

Gordon in the morning: Please don't run it just because you can

Surely Gordon knows Dolly Parton was joking when she said she'd marry Harry, right?

Dolly Parton: I’ll marry Prince Harry

Only it doesn't really come across that he knows that in the way he reports the comments.

Gordon in the morning: Yes, she does have breasts

Although it's the sort of conversation held in pubs up and down the land, when Gordon publishes the discussion between Tinie Tempah and himself about Dolly Parton it just sounds really, really seedy:

"I love everything about Dolly Parton. She has got massive boobs."

She certainly has - massive 64-year-old boobs.

he admits if he did get the chance to pull her, he'd still grab it with both hands.

He said: "She almost became an indirect auntie of mine, which makes it creepy that I'd be willing to go there.

"It really didn't start as a lustful sort of thing."

[...]
Dolly must be used to blokes admiring her considerable assets.

And she'd be silly not to pair up with someone as talented as Tinie, even if he did spend most of the time staring at her chest.

Yes, Dolly Parton's chest is a comedy stand-by, but... Gordon, did you really read this before running it? I know this is The Sun, and - as Laurie Penny points out in an excellent piece in the New Statesman - it's a paper which can't tell the difference between 'a bit of a laugh' and 'objectification of women', but this is just creepy.

Whigfield: Dolly Parton

Dolly Parton - despite what the internet might have you believe - is not dead. She is alive and well.

Glastonbury paper round: Scrubbing the mud of rumour from the pure doorstep of truth

Effectively, the Sun's coverage is hanging this morning on triumphantly blowing the Doherty isn't coming story out the water:

DESPITE rumours of him going awol - PETE DOHERTY took to his Glasto headline slot like a duck to water.
[...]
Pete was top notch, performing to a dedicated following who finally believe he cares more about the music than the drugs.

Hang about, Nadia Mendoza - that sounds like a dangerous deviation from the paper's party line, there.

Nadia's coverage of Franz Ferdinand's discovery of the risks of turning up as a surprise too high up the bill is pretty good, too:

SECRET giggers FRANZ FERDINAND should have gone down a storm - but when they took to the stage DIZZIE RASCAL fans were left wondering what had happened to their hero.

The Scottish rockers played a surprise set on the Park Stage before the British rapper, leaving the crowd bewildered and second guessing if the hip-hopper would turn up.

Polite applause and confusion left what should have been a fantastic set somewhat tainted.

We were surprised, though, that Nadia seemed both bemused how The Subways could be familiar enough to be on the main stage, and yet also convinced their songs were too over-familiar to be worth bothering with.

While The Sun is berating those who fall for rumours, it's slightly kinder on the people who ran stories about Dolly Parton's surprise plans - what with that being the boss, and all. No Dolly, no way, as she's playing at the other end of the country.

Perhaps surprisingly, the Mirror is leading its coverage with an interview with Martha Wainwright, and a sad tale of lost footwear:

She explained: "I did have my favourite wellies that I wore when I went to Africa with Damon Albarn (on a fact-finding mission to Mali for the Blur frontman’s Africa Express project). But they were in such bad shape by the end of Glastonbury last year, I just kicked them off and said goodby as I was leaving the site. They had done their duty. I’ve got to buy some there this year, but the mud can’t be anything as bad as last year."

The paper also found tickets on eBay for a tenner. So, Michael Eavis has finally beaten the touts - by tanking the resale value of the tickets.

The Mail has spotted Kate Moss, and so can now go home happy. She didn't speak to them, so the paper made do with the next best thing:

Tom Knowles, 27, a retail manager, from Ashby de la Zouch, Leicestershire, said: 'Every time the heavens opened, I felt a little down. I kept thinking "oh God is this it" but it kept clearing after 10, 15 minutes tops.

The Guardian's coverage focuses more heavily on the music, offering a handy scorecard of the acts so far:

Candi Staton - 9
Ting Tings - 8
Vampire Weekend - 8
Glasvegas - 7

Glasvegas probably lost a couple of points for being on a rival sponsor's stage.

The Telegraph has sent Tom Chivers down to battle through the crowds, although he does seem to be relying on his rivals to keep him in the loop:

I read in the Guardian that "despite the weather", and to Emily Eavis' obvious disappointment, "at least one in 10 festivalgoers are still wearing wellies". How odd.

But he rallies, and gets a scoop of his own:

And finally, a Such Small Portions exclusive - according to our sources (in this case, an authoritative-looking man overheard talking on the phone as he walked through the press tent), Michael Eavis has booked the headline for next year: Morrissey. Remember, you heard it here first. Unless it's not true, of course, in which case you didn't.

Morrissey? Bloody hell - the tickets'll be lucky to make a fiver on eBay, then...

[Part of Glastonbury 2008]

Glastonbury paper round: Some people think she's just a pair of tits

"Some people think she's just a pair of tits", you know. Yes, Gordon Smart surpasses himself by running a photo of Dolly Parton that looks like something you would have seen in a swingers' magazine.

He pushes his point home home in the story:

GLASTONBURY chiefs have been promising us a BIG surprise guest on Sunday.

But I didn’t realise they meant the size of her boobs.

Do you see? She has breasts! Ha ha ha! Breasts!

Smart also runs the exciting news of Libertines reunion:

Libertines set to reunite at Glastonbury

Really?

Oh, no. It's a guess:

A source said: “Carl and Pete are writing together and are keen to test the songs. Carl’s acoustic show on Sunday would be ideal.”

A guess which, over in the Daily Star, is being strongly ruled out by Carl Barat:

“I’d like to check out Pete’s set if it doesn’t clash with mine but at the same time I don’t feel well enough to deal with all the attention that might get me – if the fans spotted me they’d probably want us to get up on stage.”

The Mail spots Amy Winehouse shopping for alcohol and Euro 2008 stickers:

perhaps a gift for the many young fans who regularly wait outside the singer's north London home

(Why would you give your fans pictures of footballers? Why would that be your first guess?)

The paper is sure she'll be at Glastonbury, having got it from the horse's mouth:

Meanwhile, Michael Eavis has given the clearest hint yet that Winehouse will be well enough to perform at this year’s Glastonbury festival.

The festival’s 72-year-old founder revealed last night that he was looking forward to seeing Miss Winehouse’s scheduled performance on Saturday more than any other.

An offer of a helicopter to fly her in and out of Glastonbury to assure her the minimum of stress has also been put in place.

Of course, given that Eavis had been confidently predicting a sell-out and a dry festival, you might want to take that with a giant salt lick.

Lucy Bannerman in The Times warns that rain might be the least of fans' problems this year:

[T]he element to fear this year may not be water, but wind.

Those who have pitched tents on the site at 900-acre Worthy Farm, Pilton, Somerset, will have to steel themselves for strong southwesterly winds, which are predicted throughout the festival. Light showers are also expected today and tomorrow, but campers should escape the torrential downpours that have blighted previous years. Temperatures will hang around the 19C (66F) to 20C mark.

The Somerset County Gazette counters that, actually, you should fear water, too:

[A]t the time of writing, the heavens have opened and festival-goers have been told to prepare for the mires of deep puddles and sticky mud.

What of the bands, though? The regional presses go for local heroes. The Daily Record ignores the Jay-Z hoo-hah and the will she won't she Wineshe, and reveals who the star of the event will be:

Derek Meins

Who he?

Scots Indie Singer Plans To Take Glastonbury By Storm

Oddly, the Glasgow paper chooses to focus on a down-page act on the Greenpeace stage rather than, say, bigger Scottish names. But then maybe that's understandable - would you really want to claim the Fratellis as your own?

Preparing for their slot, the Fratellis moan to the Guardian about their image:

[T]hey're reviled by many for the very reasons others love them. And that greatly annoys Lawler, who, as the middle-class son of two teachers, probably has more in common with the Fratellis' critics than with the people who buy their records.

"You can't pick your fans, can you?" he asks, having settled himself at an outdoor table overlooking the canal that runs behind the Paradiso. "But we're grateful to have fans. And I think when people describe us as a band to get drunk to, or a party band, it shows you how out of fashion rock'n'roll is. We get described as a pub band, but that's what rock'n'roll is. Twist and Shout was three chords and 'C'mon, c'mon, c'mon' - it was nonsensical. But that was why it was effective."

The Evening Gazette has two Teesside acts to cheer for:

THE CHAPMAN FAMILY (right) got their invite via In New Music We Trust, a promotion on BBC radio stations aiming to promote new, original music.
[...]
DIRTY WEEKEND submitted their demo tape in a competition and beat thousands of other hopefuls to bag themselves a spot.

Eben the Chorley Citizen has found a local angle:

They [The Grow Things] have also been booked to play the BBC's Introducing stage at this year's Glastonbury - the same stage graced by the Ting Tings shortly before they shot to fame.

Mind you, if the United Press International is to be believed, there's going to be more bands than fans there:

About 35,000 people are expected to attend the Glastonbury festival, which began Thursday.

Bloody hell - 100,000 unsold tickets? No wonder Eavis was loooking worried...

Dolly Parton might have met Gordon Smart

Dolly Parton. Yes, talking about her breasts, again:

"When I talk to a man, I can always tell what he's thinking by where he is looking. If he is looking at my eyes, he is looking for intelligence. If he is looking at my mouth he is looking for wisdom.

"But if he is looking anywhere else except my chest he's looking for another man."

This kind of implies only gay men seek intelligence and wisdom. Or perhaps that only gay men seeking wisdom would think to ask Dolly Parton to help on the search.

Parton's back down again

Something that won't be happening at this year's SXSW: Dolly Parton has pulled her gig as her back is still giving her trouble.

Parton's breasts pull tour

Some people, as someone (was it Lenny Henry?) once said, see Dolly Parton as a pair of tits. Now, though, it seems those breasts really are the ones calling shots in her career: Parton has had to postpone her US tour for up to eight weeks because her breasts have put so much strain on her back:

"Hey, you try wagging these puppies around a while and see if you don't have back problems."

A bunch of middle aged men have formed a queue, having interpreted the invitation with a degree of over-literalism and a surprising amount of hope.

Dolly Parton splits Rotherham council

You'd have thought the burghers of Rotherham would have been delighted: Dolly Parton has chosen their town to be the site of the UK launch of her reading scheme, the Imagination Library. The council has arranged a small jolly for the elected few, with a bit of nosebag and a chance to shake the hand of Ms Parton.

Not everyone, though, is thrilled: Tony Mannion, who sits on the council as an independent, is fuming that Dolly is delaying the start of council business by an hour:

I’m boycotting the lunch and I am outraged that democracy is being put on hold because of a celebrity,” Mr Mannion told The Times. “I have nothing against Dolly Parton. Not that I know much about her except that she sang 9 to 5. That’s about the top and bottom of my knowledge. And I think the literacy scheme is a good idea. My objection is over the timing. We have vital business to discuss, for example the siting of a power station in the middle of a nature reserve. And we have few enough council meetings as it is.

“I’ve spoken to the Labour leader. Apparently, he’s a Dolly Parton fan. I suppose my complaints will fall on deaf ears and that some might say it’s a storm in a D-cup, or double D-cup. But it’s the principle.

Mr Mannion, then, appears to also know about Dolly's breasts as well as her having sung 9 to 5.

More misery for the majors: Dolly bales

After losing Paul McCartney to a coffee company, the last thing the RIAA needed was another major artist announcing plans to do without them in the future.

Sorry, guys: Dolly Parton's walked now. She's setting up her own label as she doesn't need major support any more. Well, not record label wise:

Her manager Danny Nozell told Billboard: "She's a free agent right now so we decided to go around to the majors to at least see what kind of distribution deals they were bringing in, and didn't see anything I was interested in."

He added: "To be honest, we have the finances the major labels have, and I put together a marketing plan that was way more extensive than any major has brought me."

They don't support their new acts; they don't support their established acts. What the hell are the labels doing with all their money?

Here you come again...

The odd thing about Dolly Parton's breasts is that, really, they're not especially remarkable. Perhaps that's just a result of the twenty-first century being full of women who've had their bustline increased through a mixture of bicycle pumps, plastics and that foamy stuff they use to fill in gaps in walls, but even back in the 1970s, when you couldn't move for Saturday night comedians making jokes about Parton's cup size, we could never quite see what all the fuss was about.

They have, however, obscured her actual talents, which is why it's a bit of a shame that even as she was accepting her induction into the Songwriter's Hall of Fame, she fell back on tit jokes:

"I can just see two big mountains growing up out of my grave, and people going around on mule rides to look at them.

"Throughout my whole career, I've been known for two things," joked the singer, famous for cutting a memorable figure in cleavage-revealing, glittery outfits.

"I'm talking about my music and my lyrics," she said.

Still, she also had a good songwriting joke, too:

"It is my favorite thing to do. It is my private time with God. That's when I feel closest to God even when the songs I'm writing are just God-awful."