"Some people think she's just a pair of tits", you know. Yes, Gordon Smart surpasses himself by running a photo of Dolly Parton that looks like something you would have seen in a swingers' magazine.
He pushes his point home home in the story:
But I didn’t realise they meant the size of her boobs.
Do you see? She has breasts! Ha ha ha! Breasts!
Smart also runs the exciting news of Libertines reunion:
Oh, no. It's a guess:
A guess which, over in the Daily Star, is being strongly ruled out by Carl Barat:
The Mail spots Amy Winehouse shopping for alcohol and Euro 2008 stickers:
(Why would you give your fans pictures of footballers? Why would that be your first guess?)
The paper is sure she'll be at Glastonbury, having got it from the horse's mouth:
The festival’s 72-year-old founder revealed last night that he was looking forward to seeing Miss Winehouse’s scheduled performance on Saturday more than any other.
An offer of a helicopter to fly her in and out of Glastonbury to assure her the minimum of stress has also been put in place.
Of course, given that Eavis had been confidently predicting a sell-out and a dry festival, you might want to take that with a giant salt lick.
Lucy Bannerman in The Times warns that rain might be the least of fans' problems this year:
Those who have pitched tents on the site at 900-acre Worthy Farm, Pilton, Somerset, will have to steel themselves for strong southwesterly winds, which are predicted throughout the festival. Light showers are also expected today and tomorrow, but campers should escape the torrential downpours that have blighted previous years. Temperatures will hang around the 19C (66F) to 20C mark.
The Somerset County Gazette counters that, actually, you should fear water, too:
What of the bands, though? The regional presses go for local heroes. The Daily Record ignores the Jay-Z hoo-hah and the will she won't she Wineshe, and reveals who the star of the event will be:
Oddly, the Glasgow paper chooses to focus on a down-page act on the Greenpeace stage rather than, say, bigger Scottish names. But then maybe that's understandable - would you really want to claim the Fratellis as your own?
Preparing for their slot, the Fratellis moan to the Guardian about their image:
"You can't pick your fans, can you?" he asks, having settled himself at an outdoor table overlooking the canal that runs behind the Paradiso. "But we're grateful to have fans. And I think when people describe us as a band to get drunk to, or a party band, it shows you how out of fashion rock'n'roll is. We get described as a pub band, but that's what rock'n'roll is. Twist and Shout was three chords and 'C'mon, c'mon, c'mon' - it was nonsensical. But that was why it was effective."
The Evening Gazette has two Teesside acts to cheer for:
DIRTY WEEKEND submitted their demo tape in a competition and beat thousands of other hopefuls to bag themselves a spot.
Eben the Chorley Citizen has found a local angle:
Mind you, if the United Press International is to be believed, there's going to be more bands than fans there:
Bloody hell - 100,000 unsold tickets? No wonder Eavis was loooking worried...