Martin, Paltrow go their separate ways

I'm guessing, like me, you didn't sleep well last night, as the words "Coldplay break-up album" kept churning through your mind like a horrified heartbeat every time you closed your eyes.

Obviously, the news of a couple separating, especially when they have a young family is always a sad thing, but...

Conscious Uncoupling

It is with hearts full of sadness that we have decided to separate. We have been working hard for well over a year, some of it together, some of it separated, to see what might have been possible between us, and we have come to the conclusion that while we love each other very much we will remain separate. We are, however, and always will be a family, and in many ways we are closer than we have ever been. We are parents first and foremost, to two incredibly wonderful children and we ask for their and our space and privacy to be respected at this difficult time. We have always conducted our relationship privately, and we hope that as we consciously uncouple and coparent, we will be able to continue in the same manner.

Love,
Gwyneth & Chris

How can they manage to make even their divorce into a vomit-inducing festival of tweeness?

Gordon in the morning: It's an outrage

Something terrible happened, and Gordon is outraged:

CHRIS MARTIN and GWYNETH PALTROW walked through the door of London member’s club Mark’s separately and once inside, they didn’t pose with each other for pics.

Imagine that! They didn't try to force each other through the doorway at the same time, and then refused to dance a jig for your photographers?

The shame.

Still, Gordon looks on the bright side:

but at least they were out together.

I'm sure they'll be grateful for your concern.

Gordon in the morning: Speed the Paltrow

Oh, God. I think that episode of Glee and the country music film made this inevitable: Gwyneth Paltrow is going to make an album.

Gordon sees this through the prism of marital strife:

GWYNETH PALTROW won't only be battling over the TV remote with other half CHRIS MARTIN.

The actress will be taking on his band COLDPLAY in the charts, having landed a £600,000 recording contract with Atlantic.

Yes, a battle royal for the least engaging album of the year award over the breakfast table.

Elsewhere, Amy Winehouse has given some old clothes to charity. Smart somehow drags this out to 350 words. But how do you get so many words out "woman donates clothes to charity"?

Clumsy drugs reference? Check!

Amy Winehouse gives £20k of gear to charity (don’t worry, we mean McQueen dresses)

Shoehorned-in topical reference to Charlie Sheen? Check!

Camden's own CHARLIE SHEEN handed in ALEXANDER McQUEEN dresses...

Ooh... hang about, this story is about clothes, which means you have to reference Zoolander, right?

LUELLA BARTLEY gear the Zoolander clan would die for.

Thin attempt at I Love The 80s comedy about charity shops? Check!

It's rare to find gems in such places - the best I've unearthed in my local one is an A-Team lunchbox and a battered VHS tape of The Goonies.

Stretched too-far made-up quote from unnamed 'source'?

A source said: "Amy turned ... bin liners ... top designer gear... fag burns and smell of wild nights out ... addicted to cleaning ... her Marigolds on in just her underwear ... more to come."

Mention of a former romance that has no bearing on the story? Check!

It's good to hear she never donated any of her grubby ballet pumps or Fred Perry T-shirts from the BLAKE FIELDER-CIVIL days.

Attempt to place self at heart of story by mentioning meeting her once? Check!

I met them in a hotel back then

And, finally, a bemusing pay off which appears to try and remake Winehouse in the model of Diana?

Amy's getting ready to christen her gaff with a Royal Wedding-themed party. From what The Sun revealed last week, that just means uncool Eighties music and a truckload of toffs in boat shoes and starched collars.

Mind you, given Amy's cast-off generosity, she can be my new Queen of Hearts. She's a good egg really.

She's a good egg, really, is she? Only from the last couple of years, reading your column Gordon, I've been given the distinct impression that she was an out-of-control drug fiend with a temper that would scratch the eyes out of a potato. Perhaps you should have mentioned this good egg thing earlier.

By the way: A good egg? When did you start being a headmaster in a 1930s prep school?

Gordon in the morning: Chris Martin won't go it alone, unless he goes it alone

In the paper version of Bizarre, Gordon gets excited at the prospect of a Chris Martin divorce-driven solo record:

CHRIS MARTIN and GWYNETH PALTROW have a happy home life behind closed doors and here’s hoping it stays that way.

But if things did go pear-shaped for COLDPLAY frontman Chris and movie star Gwyn it could prove very interesting musically.

The thought of the words "Chris Martin" and "very interesting musically" appearing together is intriguing in itself. But what can it all mean?

Asked if he would release a solo album, Chris said: “It would probably mean I’ve been dumped by my wife and I desperately need the money.

“Hell would not only have to freeze over but be skated over and completely closed up.

“The Pope would have to declare it didn’t even exist. I cannot think of anything worse.”

So, what Chris was actually saying was he couldn't imagine any situation where he'd want to go solo, not, as Smart's headline puts it:

I’ll only go solo if Gwyn bins me

It's like, say, Noel Gallagher saying he'd only let Liam play polka music "over my dead body" and running that as "Liam will kill Noel to play polka".

Still, even if there's no prospect of Chris on his own, there's still the threat of more Coldplay stuff:

Chris has become hooked on hit American TV drama The Wire, which is even inspiring him to write Coldplay’s next album.

He said: “The main thing I do on tour is write, then go watch The Wire.”

How, Gordon, does this suggest that The Wire is "inspiring [Martin] to write Coldplay's next album"? If anything, isn't it stopping him? (And if it was, what a shame they're not making more and more series.)

It turns out this is little more than a slim set-up for Gordon to mention how he and Coldplay are big showbiz pals:

When I was on tour with the band last year, on board their private jet they were plugged into a laptop and gripped by the Baltimore-based cop show’s great fifth series.

The main character is drug dealer Stringer Bell and the British actor who plays him, IDRIS ELBA, is an aspiring musician so will love to know that he’s inspiring such a huge band.

Mos’ def.

Yes. Let's just look at that again:

Mos’ def.

Oh, dear.

Even Gordon realises that this story is too slight to lead the online version of Bizarre with, and so digitally, the big story is man trips on stage.

Gordon in the morning: Film 2009

What does Gordon Smart - or Someone Still Loves You Guy Ritchie, to give him his pen name - have this morning? Over-excited praise for Ritchie's new film:

It Sher looks good

Sherlock Holmes, you see. Sher looks.

So, has Gordon had a sneak peak of the film? Got a glimpse of the rushes? Been to the set?

Not quite.

GUY RITCHIE’s new Sherlock Holmes movie looks better and better every time snaps of it cross my path.

Oh. You've seen a handful of stills. Hey, it might look a bit slavish to lavish praise on a film based on a couple of artfully posed shots, but it's not like Gordon's staking his reputation having only seen the storyboards, is it?

Guy told me last year he was going back to the detective’s dark roots.

Did you know Sherlock was a bare-knuckle fighter with a taste for dodgy substances in the original tales?

Seriously? You're asking us that seriously, Gordon?

What's coming tomorrow, Gordon: "you might not know, but in the original story Hamlet was actually a member of a royal family?" "It's a little-known fact, but if you check the first books, Poirot wasn't French at all; he was Belgian"?

But let's not assume that Gordon is out of his comfort zone here; he's also got another film story this morning as he cooks up a falling out between Gwyneth Paltrow and Scarlett Johansson on the set of Iron Man 2:

While Scarlett has been donning sexy catsuits and carrying guns for the scenes shot so far, Gwyneth has mainly had to settle for prim business suits.

But she has been assured she will get her moment to come out all guns blazing in the flick’s action-packed finale.

She's "been assured" of that. Because, presumably, she was quite unable to read the end of the script in which she'd be doing that, then?

Gordon in the morning: Fill in his blanks

Clearly, running with a long lens snap of Gary Lineker in his swimshorts and the headline on an Agyness Deyn story shows that Gordon is tired right now.

In their natural Agytat

So very, very tired.

So perhaps it's not surprising that Gordon is asking for help from his readers to slap a name on Deyn's friends:

But how to refer to the herd of TV folk, models, designers and pop stars? Readers, it’s up to you. Email biz@the-sun.co.uk with your ideas.

If you'd like to join in, you'd probably need to know who's in that herd:

Look carefully at the wee beasties in this street scene and you can spot a PIXIE GELDOF, a NICK GRIMSHAW, the Ag and a HENRY HOLLAND at play. There’s even a lesser-spotted REMI NICOLE lurking in the background.

Yes, he did just call Agyness "the Ag". So very, very tired.

I think Gordon might have overlooked that there's already a term which covers this group of people with little talent and no philosophy: "members of the public".

Elsewhere, Gordon runs a photo of Chris Martin at Disneyland under the headline:

Speed of sound, Chris?

Which makes no sense, as the picture is of him standing up and there's no reference to speed, or movement, or even riding, in the story underneath.

Gordon does point out what a good man he is:

Rock ’n’ roll stars are taking some time off too. CHRIS MARTIN has been treating his two nippers, APPLE and MOSES, to the ultimate childhood trip in Disneyland, LA. The COLDPLAY frontman hates his kids having their picture taken, so I’ve left them off the page.

How generous of Gordon. You wonder why Martin and Paltrow's kids get this treatment when everyone elses' are considered fair game - would it be too cynical to bet on there being some sort of letter on headed notepaper from a professional warning papers to lay off Apple and Moses on pain of privacy complaints to the PCC?

Still, it does mean that Gordon has run a photo of a man standing, apparently on his own, in a queue this morning. Quite a scoop.

Daily Mail notices woman with job, man with job, don't work in same place

It takes quite a lot to make me have any sympathy for Gwyneth Paltrow and/or Chris Martin, but the Daily Mail manages it, with this:

Gwyneth Paltrow heads for Hollywood - without husband Chris Martin

By Katie Nicholl

It wasn't going to be long before tongues started wagging following the news that Gwyneth Paltrow was heading to LA without her husband, Coldplay frontman Chris Martin.

And what were those wagging tongues saying, exactly? Something like "is Katie Nicholl really holding down a job at a national newspaper when she doesn't seem to understand that Chris Martin is off touring the far east at the moment, and so unlikely to be able to travel to Hollywood, which is the place where his wife tends to do most of her work, like filming the sequel to The Iron Man?"

Coldplay won't leave the Grammys empty-handed

However amusing the idea of Coldplay being served papers by Joe Satriani's lawyers at the Grammys might be, you'd have to say it's neither the time nor the place:

The firm [King Paterno] claims that Coldplay has dodged being served, and that the Grammys are the easiest forum at which to strike while the iron is hot.

[Howard] King says, "We have warned their British lawyers that we have hired a fleet of process servers lined up to dog the band everywhere they go this weekend in the hopes of serving them."

King even promises to have camera crews roaming around with the process servers to get the whole thing on tape.

Which is good news, of course, for TMZ.

Let's hope that the paper-servers know who Chris Martin is. Fox news is clearly afraid their readers wont:

Gwyneth's Hubby: Viva La Lawsuit

Maybe Martin could avoid the papers by not standing next to Paltrow on the evening.

I think Mel B is being modest

The Sunday Mirror makes space for Mel B to muse - apparently randomly - on her life:

I don’t have a fame-ometer, so I don’t know if I’m as famous in the States as in Britain. I live in LA, where everyone’s famous – you’ll do your food shopping and you’ll be standing next to Gwyneth Paltrow. I’ve been really lucky that people have always been very respectful, and chirpy and cheerful and nice. I’ve never had any freaky experiences – touch wood.

Yes. Every single person in LA shops in the same supermarket, with all the famous people picking up their rostis next to the guys who clean the toilets on the Universal studio tours. Because they're famous, too. I imagine what Mel B means when she says "everyone is famous in LA" is "I move in incredibly small circles and never come into contact with people who aren't full of themselves".

This fame-ometer thing is a bit puzzling, though: does Mel B really not have a clue where she might be in the US pecking order by, say, looking at magazines (where her name crops up most often as "mother of Murphy's child...") and if she doesn't have this magical device, what makes her think she has a high level of fame in the UK?

But what does the future hold for her?

I could never be as successful as the Spice Girls – there were five of us in that group, and alone you can only do so much.

Yes, it's impossible to be successful on an international, stellar scale if there's only one of you. That's one of the things McCartney and Madonna find so galling.

Darkness at 3AM: Up for the cup

The 3AM team have wandered onto the Olympics beat:

Gwyneth Paltrow inspired Chinese athletes with cupping

Well, that would explain the tight shorts they're wearing this year.

Oh, hang on: not that sort of cupping:

The actress seems to have inspired the Chinese athletes at the Beijing Olympics with her love of cupping - an alternative form of acupuncture.

Four years ago Gwynnie caused a stir when she stepped out with bright indentations on her back caused by the treatment.

We're told: "Cupping has become really popular with Chinese runners.

"Gwyneth was its most famous fan and it now seems sport has sat up and taken notice."

Yes. The Chinese have copied acupuncture from Gwyneth Paltrow. That makes perfect sense.

Gordon in the morning: Story without make-up

It must be a quiet day in the world of celebrity misbehaviour - either that, or Gordon is desperate to try and please Chris Martin. How else to explain the fawning but pointless "article" about Gwyneth Paltrow going out without any slap on? Reading Gordon, you'd assume this was on a par with having discovered how to teleport:

GWYNETH PALTROW steps out without make-up and looks radiant — naturally.
[...]
Gwyn-credible ... Paltrow without make-up at do

Gordon is so desperate to try and drum up some sort of story, he's reduced to listing the names and ages of those who, erm, aren't in the picture:

Gwyneth was also without COLDPLAY front man hubby CHRIS MARTIN, 31, or kids APPLE, four, and MOSES, two.

Two year old child not at some vague "do". I'm shocked.

Could you perhaps wrap the whole story up with a bemusing pun that doesn't quite work, Gordon?

Everyone at the party seemed happy with her natural look — well they didn’t give her any lippy, did they!

Still, there's thinner stuff this morning: Winehouse has been collecting Euro 2008 stickers as a gift for Blake when he's released (presumably alongside a sherbet dib-dab and a copy of the Beezer). Or, as Richard White puts it:

AMY WINEHOUSE has picked up her most shameful habit yet . . . collecting footie stickers.

Of course, it means we probably owe Gordon an apology. Back when he ran this story a year ago, we assumed he was just making a lame drug allusion:

Amy’s new hubby BLAKE FIELDER-CIVIL was spotted entering a toilet cubicle at the pub with his crackhead idol PETE DOHERTY.

My guess is they were either swapping football stickers or comparing notes on how to look after successful women.

Perhaps Gordon really did mean he thought they were swapping football stickers all along.

Rav chides Martin

Now, we're not over-fond of Chris Martin here, but we're tending to support him in the face of his ticking-off from Rav Singh.

Supposedly, Martin got angry when photographers kept asking him how it felt to be with Brad Pitt's ex and had a bit of a pop at them. Rav tuts:

Chris, you must stop snapping at the snappers.

Even when they're deliberately being rude in a bid to get a snap of him snapping, Rav? Isn't your wagging finger aimed in the wrong direction?

Still, it's news to us. Who knew Chris Martin was involved with Jennifer Aniston?

Gordon in the morning: Hardly worth the bother

Making wafer-thin ham look like brisket, today's Bizarre is perhaps the weakest yet since Newton disappeared from view.

Gordon's big story is a barked claim that Wayne Rooney is "snubbing" Alex Ferguson before admitting, in the actual piece, there's absolutely no reason why if you're having friends and family you should feel obliged to invite your boss. We wonder if Gordon would - should he decide to renew his vows - send an invite to Rupert Murdoch, or if he'd "snub" him.

That's the big story, too. Further downpage, he's scrabbling to try and make something out of Gwyneth Paltrow "waving like the Queen" - even though she his picture has her with her hand high in the air, when the Queen's wave is never above shoulder-level. Or perhaps Gordon means that waving at your fans is, in itself, to give yourself regal graces, which wouldn't make any sense at all, would it?

Tattoo you

Showbizwithzoe's Zoe Showbiz in the brings intelligence from the Martin-Paltrow marriage. They're alright, it seems, because Paltrow went to get a tattoo:

Gwyneth Paltrow has had the letter 'C' tattooed on her hip to show her commitment to hubby Chris Martin.
[...]
It should end mounting speculation that all is not well between Chris and Gwyneth after five years of marriage.

Yes, that'll work. Now - like you, and like Zoe out the Showbiz Zoe column, I have no idea if there's any problems between Paltrow and Martin. But getting a letter tattooed seems more an attempt to convince someone of something than a sign that's all well.

And wouldn't just having a 'c' leave room for frequent revisions? You could close it up to make an O if you started having an affair with Orlando Bloom? Or even turned into an eye of a kestrel at some point in the future?

And Zoe doesn't even know it was a C anyway:

Zulu confirmed: "Gwyneth came in last week. But we don't comment on the work that clients have done. A lot of celebrities have visited us."

We love Zulu's commitment to protecting some of the privacy of their clients.

Martin, camera have bitchfight

It's only a few days since Gwyneth Paltrow revealed her love of gossip magazines and the gossip they shared. It always seemed like a hostage to fortune, and - having spent some time in hospital - it seems the Martin family's amused tolerance of the lower-shelf producers has run out.

Indeed, Chris has indulged in a spot of decidedly non-pacifist photographer bashing:

The photographer claims that Martin attempted to steal his camera, but was forced to give it back after being wrestled to the ground.

It's a bit rubbish to attack the photographers you court at other times anyway; but if you're going to do it, at least make sure you can beat the sods. There's nothing more humiliating than not only not stealing one person's photos, but then being photographed being beaten up by the paparazzo.