Gordon in the morning: Hardly worth the bother

Making wafer-thin ham look like brisket, today's Bizarre is perhaps the weakest yet since Newton disappeared from view.

Gordon's big story is a barked claim that Wayne Rooney is "snubbing" Alex Ferguson before admitting, in the actual piece, there's absolutely no reason why if you're having friends and family you should feel obliged to invite your boss. We wonder if Gordon would - should he decide to renew his vows - send an invite to Rupert Murdoch, or if he'd "snub" him.

That's the big story, too. Further downpage, he's scrabbling to try and make something out of Gwyneth Paltrow "waving like the Queen" - even though she his picture has her with her hand high in the air, when the Queen's wave is never above shoulder-level. Or perhaps Gordon means that waving at your fans is, in itself, to give yourself regal graces, which wouldn't make any sense at all, would it?

Doherty: Babyshambles

Things have been fairly quiet on the Pete Doherty front for, ooh, a couple of days now. The NOTW is going to change that:

Fergie 'daughter' says: I'm having Doherty's child

In case you're wondering, the quotes round daughter are because, erm, the woman in question - Laura McLaughlin - isn't actually Fergie's daughter in any sense of the word.

In case you're wondering further, this isn't Fergie out of Black Eyed Peas or Fergie out of the Royal Family. It's Alex Ferguson, who runs the clothing and leisure industry firm Manchester United. He's Laura McLaughlin's godfather, which means he was looking out for her morals and protecting her from demons.

Lola told us the baby is the result of a sex-fuelled weekend with the Babyshambles star in her room at the 5-star Berkeley Hotel in London's Knightsbridge in October.

So, not an entirely successful run as godfather, then.

Lola claims that the baby was conceived at the end of this sex-fueled weekend, when a condom split - a story which we're sure the child will be delighted to share, once he's old enough to have his friends Google his mother's name.

Lola, it seems, is quite a catch. She tells us.

"But our weekend together wasn't just about sex. We cuddled up to watch the movie Dirty Dancing together and we had many deep and meaningful conversations. It felt like Peter was my boyfriend.

"He told me he liked me because I was intelligent and straightforward as well as sweet and innocent. He said I was the opposite of Kate Moss. He led me to believe when we parted on the Sunday night, things weren't going to end there.

Oh, he did, did he?

"But they did."

Oh, did they ever.

A spokesman for Doherty—who is claiming for the umpteenth time to be off drugs—told us: "Pete says he doesn't know who this girl is."

So, we're faced either with a lying, pregnant girl, or a lying, weaseling Doherty. Let's hope the News of the World has actually done enough to be certain that it's Pete's baby.