In the paper version of Bizarre, Gordon gets excited at the prospect of a Chris Martin divorce-driven solo record:
CHRIS MARTIN and GWYNETH PALTROW have a happy home life behind closed doors and here’s hoping it stays that way.
But if things did go pear-shaped for COLDPLAY frontman Chris and movie star Gwyn it could prove very interesting musically.
The thought of the words "Chris Martin" and "very interesting musically" appearing together is intriguing in itself. But what can it all mean?
Asked if he would release a solo album, Chris said: “It would probably mean I’ve been dumped by my wife and I desperately need the money.
“Hell would not only have to freeze over but be skated over and completely closed up.
“The Pope would have to declare it didn’t even exist. I cannot think of anything worse.”
So, what Chris was actually saying was he couldn't imagine any situation where he'd want to go solo, not, as Smart's headline puts it:
I’ll only go solo if Gwyn bins me
It's like, say, Noel Gallagher saying he'd only let Liam play polka music "over my dead body" and running that as "Liam will kill Noel to play polka".
Still, even if there's no prospect of Chris on his own, there's still the threat of more Coldplay stuff:
Chris has become hooked on hit American TV drama The Wire, which is even inspiring him to write Coldplay’s next album.
He said: “The main thing I do on tour is write, then go watch The Wire.”
How, Gordon, does this suggest that The Wire is "inspiring [Martin] to write Coldplay's next album"? If anything, isn't it stopping him? (And if it was, what a shame they're not making more and more series.)
It turns out this is little more than a slim set-up for Gordon to mention how he and Coldplay are big showbiz pals:
When I was on tour with the band last year, on board their private jet they were plugged into a laptop and gripped by the Baltimore-based cop show’s great fifth series.
The main character is drug dealer Stringer Bell and the British actor who plays him, IDRIS ELBA, is an aspiring musician so will love to know that he’s inspiring such a huge band.
Yes. Let's just look at that again:
Even Gordon realises that this story is too slight to lead the online version of Bizarre with, and so digitally, the big story is man trips on stage.