Gordon in the morning: Speed the Paltrow

Oh, God. I think that episode of Glee and the country music film made this inevitable: Gwyneth Paltrow is going to make an album.

Gordon sees this through the prism of marital strife:

GWYNETH PALTROW won't only be battling over the TV remote with other half CHRIS MARTIN.

The actress will be taking on his band COLDPLAY in the charts, having landed a £600,000 recording contract with Atlantic.

Yes, a battle royal for the least engaging album of the year award over the breakfast table.

Elsewhere, Amy Winehouse has given some old clothes to charity. Smart somehow drags this out to 350 words. But how do you get so many words out "woman donates clothes to charity"?

Clumsy drugs reference? Check!

Amy Winehouse gives £20k of gear to charity (don’t worry, we mean McQueen dresses)

Shoehorned-in topical reference to Charlie Sheen? Check!

Camden's own CHARLIE SHEEN handed in ALEXANDER McQUEEN dresses...

Ooh... hang about, this story is about clothes, which means you have to reference Zoolander, right?

LUELLA BARTLEY gear the Zoolander clan would die for.

Thin attempt at I Love The 80s comedy about charity shops? Check!

It's rare to find gems in such places - the best I've unearthed in my local one is an A-Team lunchbox and a battered VHS tape of The Goonies.

Stretched too-far made-up quote from unnamed 'source'?

A source said: "Amy turned ... bin liners ... top designer gear... fag burns and smell of wild nights out ... addicted to cleaning ... her Marigolds on in just her underwear ... more to come."

Mention of a former romance that has no bearing on the story? Check!

It's good to hear she never donated any of her grubby ballet pumps or Fred Perry T-shirts from the BLAKE FIELDER-CIVIL days.

Attempt to place self at heart of story by mentioning meeting her once? Check!

I met them in a hotel back then

And, finally, a bemusing pay off which appears to try and remake Winehouse in the model of Diana?

Amy's getting ready to christen her gaff with a Royal Wedding-themed party. From what The Sun revealed last week, that just means uncool Eighties music and a truckload of toffs in boat shoes and starched collars.

Mind you, given Amy's cast-off generosity, she can be my new Queen of Hearts. She's a good egg really.

She's a good egg, really, is she? Only from the last couple of years, reading your column Gordon, I've been given the distinct impression that she was an out-of-control drug fiend with a temper that would scratch the eyes out of a potato. Perhaps you should have mentioned this good egg thing earlier.

By the way: A good egg? When did you start being a headmaster in a 1930s prep school?