Ireland now relying on advice from Westlife

If it wasn't bad enough having the IMF turn up like your mother, suggesting you spend a little less on takeaway pizzas and suggesting you ask your Uncle Mickey for a job at the car wash, Ireland are now suffering the indignity of having Westlife trying to perk them up:

In his assessment of the Irish economy, Nicky Byrne is blunt.

"Things are very bad," he says.

"But when things are bad you need to dig deep and pull together. We're a good enough nation to do that."

No wonder the Irish government kept denying they were going to seek a bailout - they were just waiting to deploy Westlife distributing tin-eared platitudes. That'll sort things out:

Byrne's bandmate Kian Egan thinks that most people still hold the country in high esteem.

"I don't think the image of Ireland is down," he says.

"The people are down, but Ireland is the most beautiful country in the world and the people are some of the friendliest in the world."

It turns out that rather than quantitative easing, Westlife's plan to refloat the Irish economy is to release an extra flow of stereotypes into the system:

"Anyone who has ever been knows it's a fantastic country for a pint of Guinness, a night in the pub, a bit of a laugh. The surf here is amazing, there's so many great things here. Tourism will come back up big again.

That's all it's going to take, then - just get the Dáil to agree to increase the craic levels and everything will be fine.

I suppose at least they didn't ask Bono. Although there'd be something quite pleasing about the Dutch using U2's tax funds to bail out the Irish.

Nobody knows how 50 Cent suffers

With echoes of P Diddy's clumsy "grounding my private jet" joke-that-wasn't from earlier on in the recession, 50 Cent has been sharing his economic pain:

50 Cent's diamond buying hit by recession

Rapper 50 Cent has admitted that he has to sell his old diamonds before buying new ones after the recession cut down his fortune.

No, it doesn't make any actual sense to me, either.

Still, there's an upside. Since Mr. Cent is one of those people who believe his standing is enhanced by burning through cash without getting anything of value in return, the decline in his personal stash of wealth turns out to be just another status symbol:

“If you don’t lose money in this recession, it means you didn’t have enough to start off with,” 50 Cent said.

“Sure, I lost a few million, but that’s because I have so much. This is a time that will sort out the strong from the weak."

Well done, those of you having your homes repossessed - it's a sign that you had enough to start off with. Happy times in the dumpster tonight, eh?

Gordon in the morning: Coldplay find their market level

The news that Coldplay tickets are going for a dollar a piece in the US is quite an interesting story.

It confuses poor old Gordon, though, who can't seem to decide if it's a sign that Coldplay are in decline:

And it seems they have flogged their horse to death.
[...]
In other words, there's no one left out there who wants to see CHRIS MARTIN and the lads.
[...]
So, it seems you CAN have too much of a good thing.

Or, on the other hand, if it's a fabulous bargain for something special:

I think the low price is fantastic. I caught the opening night of Coldplay's world tour in Los Angeles last year and also saw them in Salt Lake City and was mightily impressed.
[...]
Get a ticket - whatever the price.

Yes - go and watch the band flogging their horse to death; make sure you snap up the tickets to be one of the nobody left who wants to snap up the tickets.

Of course, Gordon can't afford to be too tart - he might not get to fly on Chris Martin's private jet in future. Mind you, the way things are going, Chris Martin might not be able to afford to fly on Chris Martin's private jet much longer, either.

Indie distro closes: Lumberjack-axed

Lumberjack Mordam Music Group, a large US indie distributor, is closing its doors and, by the sound of things, isn't going to be able to pay all it owes to the labels:

I want to give everyone an idea of where things stand with LMMG as of now and where things will be in the future. At this point LMMG will not be able to continue to provide distribution services for labels. We had hopes for the last several months that we'd be able to find a way to move forward but the triple hits of an expensive merger, a dying business and a bad economy have made it impossible. We are hoping to be able to get some money to labels, but I'm not sure how much or when as we have to try and collect money from customers. If you have not yet moved your distribution to another company, please make arrangements to do so as soon as possible.

Hmm. "An expensive merger" is hardly the sort of thing that accidentally happens to you, though, is it?

No New Kids On The Oz

Green shoots of recovery? I'll give you bloody green shoots - how can things be getting brighter when the New Kids are having to cancel their plans to tour Australia?

In a staccato blog post on the Web site of the reunited 1980s boy band, Donnie Wahlberg announced the bad news: "However -- we are, in fact, in the middle of a worldwide recession and we just cannot make it work. . . We can only assure you that when the recession's stranglehold on the world's economies eases up a bit -- we will find a way to make this work."

Yes, yes. The ticket sales are poor because of the state of the economy. Although how go-ahead would the Australian economy have to be before the people of that fine nation had so much cash to spare they'd buy tickets to see middle-aged men pretending to be the boy band they once were? I'm guessing that they'd have had to have discovered a river of gold cascading down the hills and so much oil you could draw it from the ground by sticking a drinking straw into the topsoil and sucking.

Gordon in the morning: Model models

The leading story in the showbusy world this morning, according to the online version of Bizarre, is that, erm, Kate Moss has done some modeling.

Yes, since you ask, that is what she does for a living and not, you'd consider, so much of a surprise. Saskia Quirke is given the task of trying to make 'person does job for which they're paid' into something noteworthy:

SMOULDERING KATE MOSS is back to being super-glam again — after some rough words about her recent appearances.

Super-glam, huh? Who is she modeling? Versace? Gucci?

She wore outfits, including a £130 see-through top, that she designed for Topshop.

Oh. Superglam in a Top Shop sense, then.

Still, at least you can see her nipples in one picture, eh, Saskia?

And there’s no doubt which image is breast.

Breast - do you get it? Do you? It's quite subtle.

Oddly, though, while in this piece, Bizarre is pointing and yelling "look, you can see her tits and everything", Gordon suddenly comes over all coy when talking about Dizzee Rascal and hios ways of saving money:

He tells me: “I’m quite an outgoing person, but I much prefer staying in, playing PlayStation and getting... ”

Er, let’s just say at this point he explained that he likes getting intimate with da ladies.

Do you mean fucking, Gordon? Given that you run photo after photo of women showing their nix and nips, why do you suddenly get all shy when you have to actually talk about sex?

Isn't there a name for someone who is sneakily obsessed with breasts and butts, but turns bright red and can't look you in the eye when talk about people actually having sex?

Oh, yeah: it's "pubescent", isn't it?

It's not entirely clear why Dizzee is sharing his money saving tips with us in the first place, but it does give Gordon's Photoshop Intern the chance to lazily stick Rascal's head on The Sun's Captain Crunch character. That's the retread of the News Of The World's Captain Cash, bemusingly named after the Sou'westered breakfast cereal hero. Although, to be honest, I'm not sure very many women would be thrilled to know you're staying in having sex with them because you're too cheap to spring for a trip to the pictures.

Folding magazines: iD halves

Bloody hell. i-D has been going for thirty years now. But even the doughty style magazine is feeling the pinch: it's reducing frequency to six issues a year:

"We see this restructure as a reinforcement of position and strength towards a magazine and brand we are passionate about and have protected for so long," said Terry and Tricia Jones in a statement.

"As one of the most respected and loved independent voices within the international fashion community, i-D is determined to maintain its unique status bridging the space between high fashion and street savvy."

If you didn't know they were axing six issues a year, you might have that soundtracked by trumpets in your head.

The magazine isn't going to go bi-monthly, though: instead, it's going to publish more or less randomly:

The August issue will go on sale 9 July. i-D will then publish in September, October, November, February, March and April. The April issue will remain on sale for up to four months.

There's a word for that in newsagency: "howarepeoplesupposedtoknowandorrememberwhenanewissueisout".

Eminem: Some sort of stimulus

It's not going to solve the problems of the motor industry. It's not going to solve the laid-off workers' problems. But Eminem flying sacked auto workers to Jimmy Kimmel and throwing a show for others might at least lift their spirits for a short while.

Unless they hate Eminem's music, of course, but it's the thought that counts.

Festival axed: Outsider remains outside

Another festival has pulled itself out the schedule, citing 'ard times, guvnor. A couple of weeks after Scotland's Homecoming Festival went, The Outsider Festival has gone, too:

The Outsider programme was ambitious and ground breaking, combining live music and DJs with activities - including mountain biking and running - with debate and discussion, film, comedy and food in a uniquely beautiful and environmentally important setting; Rothiemurchus in the Cairngorm National Park.

However, due to the unremitting economic downturn and audience numbers now projected we feel that we cannot produce an event that provides you with a festival experience at the level that is expected and deserved.

Clearly a recession is not the time to realise this bold new concept but we still believe the Outsider was right for its time and perfect for its place and are hugely disappointed that it is not going ahead.

I'm not sure there's ever quite going to be a right time for a festival which combines Sharleen Spiteri and riding on bikes; both of which are fine ways to spend time but seem to go together in one package like eggs and compost. But, clearly, even if there is a right time, it's not when the already overcrowded festival season is suffering from a shortage of bands, a shortage of audience, and a shortage of money.

Very nostalgic feelings for the Zavvi

Popjustice visit the old Zavvi store on Tottenham Court Road to see what's going on there. It's now a temporary clothes shop - a shop that won't be around for long, rather than a shop which sells clothes that fall apart quite quickly. Because that would be Peacocks.

Oh, yes... and you take space in the store. Which leads Popjustice to hatch a cunning plan...

[Thanks to Matt W for the link]

Want to buy a second hand brand, slightly damaged?

Given that Circuit City was a hole long before it closed all its stores, you might wonder who would be interested in buying the name and the brand. Systemax, apparently. That's the same people who picked up the CompUSA brand when that chain crashed, and have since been gingerly reopening stores under the name.

Which must annoy them that most empty Comp USAs still have their lights on at night, which means their expensive brand gets eroded a little bit each time someone drives by.

Still, they're quite keen to take on the values of Circuit City, too. It's probably given Systemax's interests in electronics they won't be overly bothered by the chain's CD business.

Global Radio: Home of the work experience trainee

Global Radio has been struggling to balance its books, and carry out the cussedly difficult job of broadcasting radio programmes shortly after letting 200 of its staff go.

That's "letting them go" in the same way that the rugby team let their colleagues go when they crashed in the Andes.

So how do you keep the stations on air?

Ashley Tabor has a plan:

"I have been trying to find a way to harness the passion for radio amongst young people," he told the world, well the UK, earlier this week.

The plan is to recruit 500 work-experience lackeys per year. "The Global Academy will ultimately create a supply of real talent to the commercial radio industry," Tabor proclaimed.

Now, there's something noble about the idea of training young, enthusiastic people in the skills of the radio industry. Assuming they get proper training, and get paid for it while they're receiving it, and that the 500 really talented, well-trained people will have 500 well-paid, valuable jobs waiting for them. That would be brilliant, and represent a massive, brave investment from a company that has no money and a business plan that's currently more wobbly than a three-legged kitten on an ice rink.

Of course, if all they're doing is exploiting people's goodwill and turning their dreams into cheap, button-pushing labour, encouraging hopefuls to spend years in low-paid positions on the promise of a job that doesn't exist, then you really do have to hope that Global collapses in on itself in a fetid cloud of ill-intentioned exploitation.

But I'm sure Tabor can explain exactly where the UK commercial radio industry will be requiring 500 highly-paid, highly trade staffers in a couple of years, right?

[Thanks to James P]

Simon Cowell enjoys a credit crunch joke

According to The Telegraph this morning:

Simon Cowell has said he is willing to take a pay cut to stay with ITV as he is more interested in making quality TV than money.

Perhaps after a decade or so of doing the reverse, he's decided its time for a change. George Sampson is said to be brushing up his Ibsen in case he gets the call.

Not so Fabulous

It was only yesterday I was reading someone predicting that there would probably be a cull of about 98% of the independent online video sites by the end of the year, as attempts to square a triangle of costs, revenues and user base result in calculator meltdown.

Then comes this press release:

FABCHANNEL STOPS ITS ACTIVITIES

Online concert channel Fabchannel.com ceases its activities as of today, due to bad economic prospects within the music and online advertising market.

During the last nine years, Fabchannel have been successfully promoting concert recordings of national and international artists online among a large international audience.

The Fabchannel business model bases itself on two essential ingredients: international streaming rights and international advertising/sponsoring revenue. After a substantial investment in 2007, Fabchannel has been focusing fully on increasing its reach among the international audience and the development and implementation of online advertising formats and partnerships.

After an energetic start in 2008 with the introduction of video commercials on Fabchannel.com, media partnerships with renowned news sites like nu.nl and Spiegel.de as well as signing a worldwide partnership with Universal Music Group, in the last few months it has been getting ever more difficult to reach the set targets. The audience has not increased as planned, mostly due to the majority of major record labels giving no consent to record their artists. At the same time, the online advertising and sponsoring market has been put under big pressure due to decreasing budgets of advertisers and sponsors.

The management and shareholders of Fabchannel expect that this situation is not going to change during the next years. Therefore, they have jointly taken the decision to stop all activities in order to avoid getting into financial problems and, for example, lose the possibility to use the archive they have been building in the future.

Fabchannel’s concert archive will go offline on Friday 13 March. During the upcoming months, Fabchannel will strive to make suitable arrangements with employees, customers and suppliers.

Probably wise move to protect the archive rather than plough on and lose it - and it offers a glimmer of hope that there might be a rebirth sometime in the mythic post-stimulus future.

Terra not quite so Firma as EMI sucks down cash

Terra Firma dropped off the accounts for the year earlier today. They don't make very encouraging reading for Guy Hands' stewardship of EMI, with the value of the company being written off by 50%:

Terra Firma has written off half the value of its €2.6 billion (£2.3 billion) investment in music group EMI. The private equity giant revealed in its 2008 annual report that EMI accounts for most of a €1.36 billion (£1.22 billion) non-cash impairment charge on Terra Firma’s 2008 balance sheet.

Not, of course, that the terrible, cash-burning mess is the fault of Terra Firma. Oh, good lord, no:

In his executive statement, CEO Guy Hands squarely criticises banking executives, regulators and politicians for investing too much faith in credit during the boom: they should have seen it was “merely a very large bubble waiting to burst”, he says.

Ah yes. Bankers, executives, regulators. Politicians. They should have seen it coming. Instead of expecting the man lauded by his admirers as "a genius [who is] seeing things that other people don't" and who just last year was chuckling about "completing EMI Music's transition to a global functional matrix organization" to have any inkling that over-borrowing to buy out companies was less gravy train, more a leaky sauce boat.

NME Awards event hit by Trinity Street collapse

The collapse of Trinity Street has taken out a swathe of the audience for next week's Cure NME gig at the Millennium Dome. Fans who'd forked out for a ticket have been getting this email:

Please read on for further information regarding your tickets for the Big Gig/The Cure at The O2 on 26 February.

We understand you have purchased these tickets from Trinity St, but Trinity St has not fulfilled this transaction and delivered these tickets to you. It appears that Trinity St has now ceased trading and, as of Monday 16th February, was very likely to go into administration. Please note that Trinity St has not accounted to us for any of these ticket monies, and therefore your ticket purchases are invalid.

You may wish to apply directly to the administrators of Trinity St for a refund of your ticket monies (we set out their address below). However, we appreciate that this may take some time and may well not be successful. Alternatively, you may seek to claim a refund of your monies through your credit/debit card company. We also set out some information on this below.

In the meantime, we have managed to make available to you for purchase similar floor standing tickets (as per your original order) which we will hold for you till Saturday 21st February at 6pm. Please use the BUY link and unique passcode, listed below, if you wish to purchase these tickets while you are going through the claims process. This passcode is unique to you and not transferable. Please ensure you use the same postal address for delivery as your original order as any other orders will unfortunately be cancelled.

If you feel you are not in a position whereby you are able to afford to purchase the tickets that have been held for you, we have a limited number of complimentary tickets in the rear seated blocks on Tier 400. We will confirm back to you by 12 noon on Monday 23rd February if your request can be fulfilled. We will try to accommodate as many such requests as possible, but we cannot guarantee that we will be able to accommodate everyone. Unfortunately, please bear in mind that the location of these complimentary tickets is towards the back of the arena in the top level, seated, and not standing tickets as per your original request.

Please note that requests for complimentary tickets will not be fulfilled if you have also used the link above to purchase replacement tickets.

Both AEG Live and NME are sorry for any inconvenience that this has caused you. We would like to stress that at the time of working with Trinity Street there was no reason to believe that the company would cease trading.

This has, it appears, gone out to some 500-plus ticket holders (or, rather, ex-ticket holders); many of whom are a bit unhappy. The "sorry" at the end doesn't really seem to be especially heartfelt, and the "look, the tickets have gone, we're not giving you your money back - and good luck with that - but you can have first refusal at buying them again" offer hasn't gone down well.

To be fair to the NME, it isn't their fault that Trinity has gone down, and there is some sort of grudging attempt to do the right thing by offering the lottery for an unnamed number of crappier tickets.

But this is the risk you run when you proudly slap your brand onto other people's services and outsource fulfilment. Especially in the current climate.

And the email does suggest that the organisers are putting their financial comfort ahead of the people who had trusted them when they bought tickets. The tickets are there to be re-sold (and, presumably, offered on the open market if they're not taken up by February 21st) and AEG appear to have details of who had bought what. The only thing AEG doesn't have is the cash, which seems to have disappeared into the Trinity hole.

If you were in charge of the NME brand, you might weigh up who you wanted to take the financial hit - Time Warner Inc, or the people who buy your magazines and products, before deciding if you'll send the 'want to try buying your tickets again?' email.

The collapse isn't the NME's fault, but the way it's been handled since is.

[Thanks to Cat C and Peter D, who both contacted me]

UPDATE: 21/02/09 - There's been a change of heart, and now people who originally bought tickets will receive them at no extra cost. Kudos to AEG & NME for changing their minds

Economic blight: Touch & Go goes down

More bottom-line misery for the alternative music world: Touch And Go Records is ceasing to release any new material.

Touch & Go has had a thirty-year run, releasing work by a mighty army of acts - !!!, TV On The Radio, Big Black, Sally Timms and the Yeah Yeah Yeahs.

Time Out Chicago is reporting that a formal press release confirming the collapse will be released later today.

The long, slow death of Zavvi finally ends

If you didn't know better, you might assume that Ernst & Young deliberately chose Brits day to tug the plug on what remains of Zavvi.

There will be a few stores with a short-term future: a further five stores have been picked up by HMV, who will rebrand them and carry on, while former Zavvi Chief Executive Simon Douglas has decided to have another go: he's formed a company called Head Entertainment and picked up five Zavvi stores. That must have been a weird experience:

- so, is this a good business to buy into?
- oh, yes. it was only mismanagement... that... sorry, difficult trading conditions that led to them to going down.

The other stores, though, will be shuttered and the Zavvi name will disappear from the high streets. It's probably not even going to make a Trivial Pursuit question.

Trinity Street has gone

Thanks to the people who confirmed the earlier story about the closure of Trinity Street.

There's now some signs of the company going into administration, with Oasis and Razorlight losing their online stores and Orson and Ministry Of Sound websites vanishing altogether.

Kind of ironic that MOS, which once was attempting to turn itself into an ISP no longer even runs its own website services.

Trinity Street closes?

There's some internety-buzzing suggesting that Music marketeers Trinity Street have gone in to administration - despite a client list including Oasis, Arctic Monkeys, Ministry Of Sound and Radios 1 and 2. There's nothing official anywhere on the web yet, but the Twitterverse seems convinced it went down on Friday.