Tyler The Creator responds to Tegan And Sara

After Sara from Tegan And Sara sighed, and wrote a considered criticism of the soft ride Tyler The Creator has been getting, Tyler has responded.

Obviously, because he used Twitter as his channel to reply, there might be some nuance lost in his self-defence, but let's see what he has to say:

If Tegan And Sara Need Some Hard Dick, Hit Me Up!

Well done, Tyler. That would be exactly it. Clearly, Tegan and Sara don't actually have a problem with a critical community incapable of standing up to the popular kid when he tries to drag us all back to the 1970s. No, the problem is simply that they need a good seeing to by a proper man.

Can we stop pretending that he's a genius of some sort, now, please?

What the pop papers say: 50 lamest ideas for an issue

The NME has been having, if not a golden age, at least a run of shiny chrome lately. Sure, you still get ones where it's Kasabian chuntering about football, but that's balanced by some lovely coverage of The Drums. There have been more nice things said about the Field Mice in the last month than ever there was when they were a going concern.

There was a weakness with The Drums edition, though: apparently concerned that simply interviewing a band might not be an idea, it came wrapped in a 'special issue' bit of blather about how America has lots of bands. Or it might have been 'Bands named after instruments' special. But it was themed.

The idea of a themed issue can work, but not if every bloody week there's a theme. And this week, we get a stinker of theme. It's another one of those pointless lists that have been bedeviling the NME for over a decade, but this week's sets the bar lower than ever before.

The 50 Most Fearless People In Music

By a lucky coincidence, the most fearless person in music turns out to be Kele Okereke, who is the big interview this week.

Most fearless people? Seriously? What does that mean? With Kele at the top, it turns out that the measure of lack of fear is 'making a dancey record after having made some guitary records'. If that's the true measure, then surely Bobby Gillespie would have to be braver than Kele for the sheer distance leaped by Primal Scream from I'm Losing More Than I'll Ever Have to Loaded?

The rest of the list clearly was come up with by throwing darts at a list of anyone who's ever made a record with more to it than The Archies. To adapt an old saw, NME use these lists as a drunk use lamposts - more for support than illumination.

Number 35, by the way, is The Population Of Greenland. So this is actually, the 56,377 Most Fearless People In Music. If everyone in Greenland counts as people in music.

Elsewhere this issue, this Shockwaves advert appears for what feels like the 600th week running:

Isn't that the sort of one-note 'use this product and women with big tits will be yours for the taking' clunker of an promo that more-or-less died of shame in the 1980s? I was surprised the NME ran it in the first place - hell, I was surprised any advertising agency would have come up with it in the first place - but can't believe it keeps going in, week after week.

Obviously, Shockwaves underwrites the NME awards so perhaps nobody wants to upset them, but really: this ad treats the female side of the NME readership with contempt and the male side with a different sort of contempt. It's ugly both creatively and socially. Is this how the paper sees the people it wants to buy it?

Noel on the road: What, no Ocean Colour Scene?

So, more from Noel Gallagher's exciting on-the-road blog. To kill time, Noel and his employees have been playing a game:

In the dressing room the traditional debate has started about “The Top 10”. This means the top 10 bands of all time.

The list, as you'd expect, is topped by the Beatles and suggests that no good work has been done musically since Gallagher passed through puberty:

1. The Beatles
2. The Rolling Stones
3. The Who
4. The Sex Pistols
5. The Kinks
6. The La’s
7. Pink Floyd
8. The Bee Gees
9. The Specials
10. Peter Green’s Fleetwood Mac

By a strange coincidence, this is actually the same list of bands that Gordon Brown has suggested for the 2012 Olympics opening ceremony.

There's no surprise here: if you have ever listened to an Oasis record, you'd already be aware that Noel hasn't apparently forged any emotional attachment to anything much recorded after the miner's strike.

The insight, though, is in the ground rules:

No solo artists allowed. No female artists allowed. No collectives allowed (Public Enemy etc.)

Oh, yes - you just know Public Enemy would be at the number one slot if only the rules allowed it. But no female artists allowed? What is this - a treehouse full of ten year old boys? Are they afraid of getting CD cooties? And shouldn't Rhoda Dakar make The Specials ineligible for inclusion - you know, just in case someone thinks that Noel is listening to GURLS music for GURLS.

We also get Noel's insight into US politics:

Manage to catch that Barrack Obama’s speech to the Democratic rally. Impressive stuff. Spellbinding in fact. Wish he was one of ours. Why do Americans believe they’re electing the president of THE WORLD though?

Ooh... could it be because of America's massive bloody great influence over vast swathes of the planet, do you think Noel? Unfortunately, he doesn't seem to have bothered to suggest what was so impressive - nay, spellbinding - about Obama's speech; nor why he wishes that Britain had the chance to elect a centre-right politician (haven't we got enough of them already?). It's almost as if, you know, just wanted to say something so we'd know he was engaged... in the house... race for the house...
... must go to the White House... must...

Gordon in the morning: Locked lips

It doesn't really matter who it's about, all you need to know is a grown man wrote this in a newspaper this morning:

The pair couldn’t keep their hands off each other and locked lips in full view of fellow frolickers in the bar.

Meanwhile, Gordon laps up Victoria Beckham's trip to Manchester:

They supped £8,000 of vintage bubbly Perrier Jouet Belle Epoque Blanc de Blancs at posh Japanese venue Ithaca in the city.

With dinner included, the final bill was an eye-watering £10,000.

I bet hubby DAVID was relieved to know her perfume producers Coty were footing the bill.

Let's just leave aside that if Beckham needed to raise ten grand, he'd probably need to, ooh, play thirteen seconds of football or do one twenty-millionth of a photoshoot, and just allow our jaws to drop at Smart's 1950s attitude. Mrs. Beckham is out promoting what we shall - this once - call with a straight face "her business"; Gordon assumes that the hubby will be underwriting it all. Let's just hope Victoria was back home in time to cook David's tea, eh, Gordon?

Gordon on the radio

Gordon Smart is currently on Today, trying to knock down the suggestion that female celebrities get a rougher ride than male celebrities. He offered the suggestion that he wrote about Pete Doherty as much as Amy Winehouse - although, if he was being honest, he'd have admitted that Doherty was covered more because of his connection with Kate Moss (and, recently, with Amy) than in his own right - Doherty was promoted to tabloid regular status because he was Moss' boyfriend, not because he was Barat's brother in arms.

Effectively, in the end, Gordon accepted the charges:

"[T]here will be a male slant on things I write... of course we reflect stereotypes in the way we write."

... but then he could hardly do otherwise, could he, with his acres of bangers and trumpeting of "shagger of the year". What he might have said is that the column was more-or-less dealing in the same stereotypes when Victoria Newton was the picture above the stories, but it didn't seem to occur to him.

Luke Pritchard: Ladies' man, he bets

Yesterday, we had Michael Eavis sounding like a bad throwback to a 70s sitcom. Today, Luke Pritchard from The Kooks offers what sounds like a tribute to 1970s jazz mags:

"She didn't show up but I heard Carmen Electra was coming to our show," he said. "Can you imagine fucking Carmen Electra? How cool would that be?"

When asked if he would genuinely be interested in having sex with Electra, Pritchard said, "Of course, man! We all would have [hooked up with her on the night of the gig]! Anyone would have!

"When you're in a big band, you can go anywhere and do whatever you want. I'd like to fuck Carmen Electra!"

Doubtless his fans would rush to point out that his tongue was in his cheek as much as his cock was his hand, but we're not so sure. Not to mention that if his band was so big he can behave like he's Vladimir Putin, how come Carmen Electra didn't show up in the first place?

The attitude isn't, sadly, surprising, but the lack of understanding that some things that are greeted with rounds of applause in the van between gigs probably shouldn't be raised in interviews is.

[Thanks to Peter D for the tip]

What was the theme of the Brit Awards? 1970s sexism, apparently.

There was some confusion over the theme at this year's school prize giving. The presence of Ozzy, the giant skull, the apparently-straightfaced-use of Anarchist symbols on the onscreen graphics suggested that this was an event with ROCK at its heart.

But then Kelly did say it was the year of pop when she was presenting. It's very confusing. Who can adjudicate on such matters?

How about the Official website? Rock or Pop, Brits - what were you?

The theme of this year’s BRIT awards is Glam Rock and every last bit of the BRITs is dripping with glamour.

Glam rock? GLAM ROCK? In what way was the theme of that event glam rock? Did someone do a T-Rex cover we missed? Was that Ian Hunter rather than Paul McCartney getting the lifetime achievement award? Was the event so poorly conducted that Elton John's pieces got dropped from the running order?

Of course, the glam rock angle was just an excuse to explain why the BPI had taken money from Agent Provocateur to let them have space backstage. Anyone who thinks that the inherent sexism of the music industry and the marginalisation of women into the limitied roles of groupies or girlfriends is a thing of the past, look away now:

And what’s more rock ‘n roll than half naked girls? Accordingly, Agent Provocateur, who have built a special boudoir booth to showcase their new skin care and fragrance have their very own scantily clad vixen.
[...]
Esme’s acting skills won’t be heavily called upon this evening as all she has to do is hand a mike over to whichever presenter is mounting the stage. She’s one of a quartet of glamorously dressed girls who are here for the sole purpose of “adding some beauty and some boobies”. “The presenters will run through a gamut of girls who’re there to escort them to the stage, they can take their pick”.

Picking from a bunch of mute women - sorry, girls - who are just there to add some tits to the proceedings. Doesn't the British music industry make you proud?

Dizzee Rascal plans to spread his seed

Overpopulation. Something of a problem for the world right now, but not one that bothers Dizzee Rascal, apparently:

I want to have ten kids

This might come as something of a shock to his partner - or, as she's described by the charming Rascal:

one girl I've been seeing lately more than anyone else

Of course, just because Rascal is intent on having ten kids doesn't mean he's going to settle down:

[I]t's deciding whether it will be with the same baby-mother or not.

We can never quite decide if it's slightly more or less demeaning to see women as "babymothers" than to call them "womb-on-leg-o-matics", but it's such a close-run thing we'll just hope that Rascal's sperms are as inmotile as his career is, rather than think of ten kids being brought up in his footsteps.

Baby blues: X Factor dump pregnant woman

Lovers of Victoriana will be delighted to hear that an almost entirely-preserved Victorian Attitude has been discovered in Simon Cowell's permafrost: X Factor tryout Katie Boothand has been kicked off the show because she was pregnant:

With Dannii Minogue the only one to say "no", the 24-year-old was stunned to learn she has got through to the next stage, but after she leaving the room, the panel had doubts.

Cowell said: "A part of me thinks we shouldn't have just done that because she's five and a half months pregnant. That should have been a 'no'. It doesn't feel right, I'm almost inclined to change my mind now."

Louis Walsh agreed, and Minogue says: "I've got nothing against pregnant women but you can't be singing on live TV and giving birth at the same time."

We love the "I've nothing against pregnant women but..." - it's not that Louis Walsh comes over all squeamish at the thought of vaginas and blood and babies and breathing, oh no. Not at all.

Isn't there, you know, some sort of rule about discriminating against women because they're pregnant?

Good lord, I hope this is a misquote

Because if it isn't, Amy Winehouse really believes women are little more than wombs with shoes:

"I know I'm talented but I wasn't put here to sing. I was put here to be a wife and a mum and to look after my family.

"I love what I do but it's not where it begins and ends."

So it's not just her hairdo that comes from the 1950s, then?

Marilyn Manson on affairs of the heart

Marilyn Manson has got advice for you, and, unless we're very much mistaken, it's a familiar one:

"Stay away from crazy bitches. Crazy women can be dangerous. If you get involved with the wrong person you can be in trouble."

Isn't this, effectively, the message of Cliff Richard's 'beware the Devil Woman'?

Of course, what Manson actually means when he says 'crazy bitches' is 'smart women' - his videos have long been notable for taking a very similar attitude to women that you find in a standard R&B video (take off your clothes and decorate the shot), so it's not surprising that this thinly-veiled attack on Dita Von Teese has a misogynistic tang to it - women who know their own minds are crazy, women who don't do as I wish are bitches. He'll be running for Senate on a Republican ticket by the end of the decade.

English women now Shaggy enough

We might be a nation cowed by having to choose between the Grantham Grocer and the Stoke soak for our icon, we might be the home of Scooch, but at least there's good news from one corner. Shaggy has deemed English women fit to date:

“English women are starting to look better now.

“Back in the day I had a couple of restrictions here and there. You know they weren't great.

“But I think they're evolving over time.”

Yeah, we hear they've even got prehensile thumbs in the West Midlands now. Still, the rest of the world's women can take comfort, as Shaggy thinks they've all done very well:

"Women in general are getting better looking because you can now buy your looks.

“You can go out and buy a boob here, buy a boob there, get liposuction."

We're not quite sure why Shaggy dreams of a woman with four breasts; but if that's the way he thinks about them it's probable he's never seen one naked so maybe he doesn't know what number to expect.

A spokesperson for all the English women welcomed Shaggy's generous comments, but declined the offer: "It's great that Shaggy thinks we now come up to his standards. Unfortunately, since he still is as greasy as the mechanic who fixes the deep fat fryers in the local chipshop, we'll pass, thank you."

A spokesperson for Women In General added: "Shaggy's suggestions that we have taken a great leap forward in being able to mutilate ourselves in order to live up to his expectations have been noted. In the same spirit, we shall be forwarding on a number of emails we've received this morning which offer help to gentlemen with erectile disfunction."

The Brown Estate regrets

It is, of course, what James Brown would have wanted. Or, at least, there's no simple, non-spooky way of proving it isn't, as James Brown's family throw his name behind Al Sharpton's campaign to get radio stations to refuse to play rap with sexism and racism in the lyrics.

Brown's family echoed Mr Sharpton's message later at a private gathering at the Apollo Theater, where thousands had gathered to pay their respects to the singer shortly after he died.

"How did we get from 'Say it loud, I'm black and I'm proud,' to where we are today?" said his daughter Deanna Brown Thomas, referring to her father's famous lyrics.

Perhaps via lyrics like, erm, your father's Hot Pants, Deanna?

Hot pants! hey! hot pants smokin?!
Hot pants make ya sure of yourself -good Lord
You walk like you got the only lovin' left hey
So brother - if you're thinkin' of loosin' that feelin'
Then don't - ha
Cause a woman got to use what she got
To get just what she wants hey!

Or maybe that isn't the sort of sexist lyric Sharpton has in mind?

Shut up, says Sharpton

We're minded to think of the flavour of the month club as we watch the current war on rap profanity. Al Sharpton and the National Action Network is now onboard, planning a march this Thursday on the HQs of three major labels in New York:

"We aren't marching against artists -- we are marching against record companies to ban these words completely," says Tamika Mallory, who is leading the NAN's decency initiative. "It's nice that Russell Simmons asked for these words to be bleeped out, but if we start from the top and ban them, then we won't have to answer questions at the bottom."

It's an interesting and depressing view of the music industry and creativity that the NAN believe that commercial organisations ought to be the conscience and arbiter of art, and that individual artists aren't considered worth appealing to, or capable of exercising their own judgement. Wouldn't it be better if people didn't make records which called women whores because they didn't think of women that way, rather than because Sony-BMG have instructed them not to? Shouldn't rappers (and rockers) be asked to exercise a little personal thought?

WWPR turns "ho"s down

In what may or may not be a sign of a new age in hip-hop radio, WWPR in New York has announced a new policy of refusing to play songs with "degrading images".

WWPR - which also travels under the name Power 105.1 - isn't making it entirely clear what 'degrading' images they're drawing the line at. The network is happy it won't have to do much work:

"The station won't sound that different, because we weren't playing a lot of that anyway," said program director Helen Little. "What we're doing is holding labels and artists accountable for what they say and how they say it "We want our listeners to know that whatever they hear here, we thought about it."

Hmm. At the moment, they've still got T-Pain's Buy You A Drink on the playlist - which is, effectively, "fuck me because I'm rich; then let's get drunk so you can forget you've fucked me."

They've also got Akon and Snoop's I Wanna Love You with its presumably non-degrading lyric:

Money in the air as mo’ fell
Grab you by your coattail, take you to the motel, ho sale
Don’t tell, wont tell, baby say “I don’t talk, Dogg unless you told on me” - oh well
Take a picture wit me, what the flick gon’ do
Baby stick to me and I’ma stick on you
If you pick me then I’ma pick on you
d-o-double g and I’m here to put this dick on you
I'm stuck on pussy and your’s is right
Rip ridin’ the poles and them doors is tight
And I’ma get me a shot ‘fo the end of the night
Cuz pussy is pussy and baby you’re pussy for life

If the station isn't going to sound very different, presumably this means we're going to need to recalibrate our ideas of what's degrading.

Lemar: Forget 'talent show loser', think 'Peter Stringfellow on a budget'

Oh, Lemar, why don't you just buy a magazine if you're that desperate, lad?:

"I'm thinking of putting poles either side of the stage and having girls from the audience dance for me.

"It would be a good way to catch my breath between songs - I'd need lots of water though."

If you really have decided that your music is so weak it's going to need busty-dancing to keep the audience's attention, couldn't you at least pay someone to do it? Or is this meant to be like user generated-content for the live arena?